In trying to find a solution for all
… you get no solutions at all …

A problem I deal with all the time is when people try to find a single solution to their problems.

In truth a solution is typically a process that occurs over time and represent a series of solutions that improve over time.


the situation requires literally multiple solutions at once


because multiple people are involved, the perspective of multiple people drives that no single solution can work and you need to implement several ideas at once…

Yet people, insist on single solution ideas or proposals… this simply drives conflict and conflict over time reduces options down to a single option… but then time steps in and multiple solutions often creep back into the picture as the victor learns they must modify their solutions… (then the victor discovers the meaning of irony, or they claim it as part of their original solution … wotever…)

So when thinking about how best to approach any sort of problem: often times consider that multiple solutions can be explored at once.

Lets apply this concept to the culture within the United States right now.

In theory a democracy is a society that embraces the ideal of multiple solutions of many people at once.

You can tell what we have in the United States isn’t a democracy any more. Why? because we as a culture / society are not embracing multiple solutions to the social problems we are facing…

Instead the United States culture drives everything into crisis and crisis always force solutions to be single fast actions that end up creating conflict in the population.

The democracy in United States is failing at the most fundamental level right now and people like Palin and Beck will use that to win and drive deeper spikes into our political hearts…

Just saying

The answer people are looking for isn’t single solution, majic bullet nor conflict… the answer we face are “answer (S)” that many of us can work together towards to improve our life so we can live together. Otherwise we are just facing a rapidly bad game of musical chairs…

I think it’s time to build more chairs…

or even better

change the game to be many games at once

Just saying…


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48 Responses to How to find Solution(s) to problems in Life

  1. Aditi says:

    I have a friend who used to consider me as his sister. When i spent a lot of time with him, i started getting a feel that he has fallen for me.I got many instances where in it was very clear to me.He started bugging me calling,messaging and asking me to meet him all the time. I have lost affection towards him. Is it a good thing on my part not to talk to him at all? He apologised and he is ready to be the way i want to him to be but still i am not willing to talk to him

  2. Hi Aditi:

    I would trust your instincts and not re-establish the friendship. Once a person falls for another, it doesn’t release easily.

    Your instincts are you best guide. Trust them.

    This isn’t about the way you want him to be. You cannot define another person, rather you can choose who you will be in relationships with.

    A relationship is about balance in how both people want it to be. If he acts as you wish him to act, then he undercuts his own feelings and then that will cause him problems that will circle back around to you.

    Not all answers are answers that will make everyone happy, some answers are : to move on and continue to explore life.

  3. Joe says:

    I am looking for solution to make amends in my life. I am willing, but I need a guidance that can help me.

  4. @Joe: I sent you a direct email to start the process. I work with people in a case by case manner to help them optimize and find the steps that match to their life.

    Will talk soon.


  5. priya says:

    i and my bf are college students
    i recentl got seperated frm my bf , we both loved each other a lot i still love him,we used to spent 13-14 hrs a day together and we went out fr night outs, there were clashes in our relation as he had come to know some bitter truths abt our relation he still gave me a chance and we moved on together..but he kept on cursing me reminding me of wat i did , he felt cheated,though i still love him, he left me by saying that this relationship isn’t working do i move on wen each sec and moment i rememof those beautiful times spent together
    how do i.. i am depressed help me please

  6. @priya: Take time to find new beautiful things not based upon another person, but based upon living life. Even if it is only walking, get out and move with life.

    Life will catch back up to you later, even if it feels like life has left your own heart right now.

    Regarding the depression: One way to tackle depression is movement / exercise. So put some effort into some exercise.

    In time life will come around again. It may not feel like it now, but it will.

  7. Tjoman says:

    I am so confused and lost with my addiction. I have problem to stay focus and I have depended using meth with sex.
    I want to stay clean and please help me and bring me light in mylife. I want my high power to save me and remove my addiction.

  8. @Tjoman:

    When dealing with addictions like this: One of the better methods is to find a community to be part of and with each other help keep the path open and growing. This is one reason for example AA is so powerful for helping alcoholics.

    The higher power doesn’t “save” a person nor remove the addiction. The truth is the higher power shows that you yourself have the power to continue to grow and change into a deeper better person.

    At first it feels like the higher power is removing your chains, but in looking back you will find it is “you” wanting to live a better more graceful life… that is indeed the connection to the higher power and is part of being the higher power.

    Look for community where you live to join and work towards becoming a deeper member of. Work locally to make a difference help others who likewise have as similar desire to reach higher. With modesty and simple steps work your way up a spiritual ladder of moving more gracefully in your own life.

    Look around: there are many online community’s and services like AA to join which are specifically geared to work with the addiction you have. That is the best place to start. For this to work, you have to make the first few steps to find that community!!!

    Otherwise you are not truly at the point of turning around. That point of turning around comes from the higher power of your own heart, wanting to join the spirit of those around you into a better life. My retreat center isn’t set up to work with addiction problems as you mention. But I can help show you a solid direction to go.

    The first steps is to announce you have the problem, which you have. The second step was to accept you have hit bottom and no longer want to run away from your own heart. Now: you have started with this comment, know you are at a pausing point: So take a breath and then continue to the next step. The Next step isn’t absolute recovery, the next step is to continue reaching out and to explore the various community options that could work for you. Look around the various online communities for recovering meth addicts or look for a local recovery program that will assist in the next steps.

  9. Tjoman/Joe says:

    I am feeling so depressed because I tried to get myself stick into the program, but it just really bother me with people that I help and she wants to hurt me and also I am so stress because my financial. How can I focus with my recovery like this? I need help. I tried to be patience and it just so difficult for me. Please help me. Thank you for your help.

  10. Joe: I am not set up to work with addiction problems.

    You have to want to change, it has to come from you. It isn’t easy… and it makes a huge difference to work with a community effort.

    It’s hard, this will not be easy. Only you can push yourself. You have to make it your own otherwise you wont connect to the higher power either because otherwise you are working too hard at running away from yourself.

  11. vikram says:

    I am in big problem that is known as love. I am fallen in love with a muslim girl and she is from tunisa and I am hindu guy from india. We are deeply in love with each other and we cannot live without each other. The very big problem is that she is not ready to come india and I am not be able to tunisa. My parents a not at all agree with this relationship. Nobody is here to help me with this problem. Please give some suggestion to take out from this problem or how can marry that girl.

  12. @Vikram: I cannot give you advice on your question.

    Love is something that often is not what it seems. All too often those who think they are in love are not. All too often those who want to strive for love encounter great tests to prove such love, And all too often after getting love, people change so that the love simply fades away.

    You want someone to help connect you to love. But love cannot be found from reading answers in a book. It comes from living life to your essence in a way to always be growing.

    Any answer I give is all too likely to go astray for you: since your path will require you to make life changing choices, Choices that will involve great separation no matter what you choose. As a result in the way you frame your question and in how your family hold you: you have already in judgement been limited so all you see are answers that lead to a path based on regrets left behind you.

    The only answer that gets you out of the trap of judgement is to make your answers your own. Have acceptance and take responsibility for your choices and never blame anyone else. Since, in the end, it is you and only you that has the responsibility to live your life

    No comment in a blog can ever give you what you don’t already have within yourself to make happen. And the challenge ahead is purely yours. The more you look to others for your answers, the less you will be happy with your own choices.

  13. Disha says:

    I am working as a nanny. I am not happy with my boss. I do all the work at home, can’t even tell what work am I doing. But my boss think that I don’t have any work except 4 or 5 work. If I made any mistake or if I forget to do something she will yell at me n shout at me. I couldn’t tell her that I want to go home, if I tell her that she will complaint against me with her parents, who is the boss of my mom n brother then they will be in trouble. I can’t take any decision. Can somebody give me the solution for this. I am really struggling in this.

  14. @Disha: I corrected my answer slightly: Work to learning some psychology to better handle her. In dealing with parents who have handed off responsibility to a nanny, they can often be like this. I am sure if you search the internet or look for other nannys, you can find tricks and ways to work with this difficult person.

  15. Pavithra says:

    I need a solution for below.

    Recently, a few days ago, I got engaged with my future life partner. My family and his family both are agreed for our engagement.
    But when I spoke to him personally I had 1 shock news that another girl is forcing him to marrie. He wants to marrie me as she is elder than me,also he does not like her.
    They have only professional relationship and the girl is published this with her family as he will be her future husband.
    The shock news hear is she has attempted for suicide by having a poison, and she is safe now.
    the boy doesn’t want to marri her, we are very scary about our future. Now he is suggesting me to think. How we can come out of this problem,
    If anything happens in future, it may become police case, as there is no mistake with the boy hw to face the problem in future?
    Kindly advise

  16. @Pavithra: You ask for a solution to a problem which will require great strength, patience and wisdom.

    Many paths are possible:

    DO you leave and start a new life elsewhere beyond family and culture for instance.

    Do you follow tradition and instead know many other partners are possible

    Do you stay and make it work despite judgement from families and other… Are you string enough to shape others rather than be shaped by them?

    Do you fight back when confronted or do you release?

    SO many answers. The only answer that works , is the one you and your Life partner commit fully to, and back with full strength of your heart.

    Its a day by day stepping thru and shaping it to your life without doubts. Doubts will destroy your relation under such social pressure.

    I assume you are in India? And India is at a cross roads of major change, this makes your choice even harder since many people will fight harder to force you against your heart. Stand true to your heart.

    Many people dont know what is in their heart and so pick the wrong steps. Before acting on any path. Make sure it is teh path you want, since in your case, you cannot easily change your choice in this situation. So after accepting your choice, move with it with full force.

    Notice I didn’t tell you to do any one action, I told you to stand strong in your life, and make it YOUR life. How you do that, and what that looks like. Only you can decide, and yes, it seems most people are going to try to prevent you from doing so. So be prepared to go the extra distance if required to make it work.


  17. Mothi says:

    Me and my co-worker loved each other since 4 yrs and my parents are agreed for marriage, but her father didn’t agree for marriage. Last we married with the help of some relatives from myside. She informed to her mother but not yet to her father. She is afraid of inform to her father, we are planning to go for marriage in May by inviting all. As she is afraid to tell to father , I am planning to go and talk to her father, I am sure he will not agree and scold me but I don’t find any other option. Please suggest

  18. pooja kandula says:

    im unable to study.actually im not intrested in studying,but my parents are insisting me to study, i want to earn money,im struggling alot plzzzzzzzzzzz help me

  19. @Mothi: Depending on the culture you are in, there are different answers.

    From a modern perspective: In the end the answer is how do you best communicate to your father in a way to minimize how much damage he does. You will have to be strong in your power, respect him, but also be strong in yourself. how you work with him, depends on him. The more judgmental he is, the less you can say and the more you have to release your father.

    @Pooja: Why not study so you can later make more money by being in a better place? Or why not do both? IN the end you have to be strong in what you believe, but also flexible to learn lessons that others might know and that can save you much time in a harder path.

  20. sreelakshmi says:

    im madly in love with my boyfriend!but he belongs to caste lower than mine. my parents totally believe in all that!infact they hates his caste!but i cant live without him and i dont want my parents to get hurt.what should i do? i want both of them throughout my life!!

  21. @Sreelakshmi: You reached a point of choice in life. Your choice will shape you.

    At times there isn’t an answer that makes everyone happy, to try to make everyone happy, will only break you to make you unhappy.

    You need to choose and accept your choice and grow from your choice. Dont look back to the past once you choose, learn from what happens, refuse to make it about pain, and grow, grow, grow, and continue to make your life graceful. You cannot control how others will react, but you can choose no matter what option you pick, to make your life graceful.

    It will be hard, there will be fights, there will be feelings that get broken… But learn and refuse to let other shape your life. It is your life. These are new times. In making your life, your own: people will try to hurt you, they will try to confuse, you they will try so many things to steal away your power.

    In the end how you use the challenge to grow from is the key to grace. Be prepared to get knocked down, shunned, ignore, screamed at, torn at… but in the end its your life, your heart and your steps…

    Be brave to live. Otherwise it isn’t life.

    Refuse to let outside forces lessen you, but at the same time, use respect to avoid unnecessary conflict. When others want to control or fight you, then walk away and don’t give them the chance to drag you thru the mud of prejudice.


    There is also a third choice. Walk away from both choices. I don’t think you will use this third choice but it is a backup choice if both your parents and boyfriend try to harm you or control you to do something you don’t want to do. This is a subtle choice and in it is a pathway you can use to greater effect: if you see it to force both parties to a neutral meeting point: if you dont see it,I can’t explain more because then you are not ready for that option.

  22. shriya says:

    sir I am a cyber crime victim. A very decent photo of mine was misused in an unwanted website. I am now handling this problem all alone. I am trying to solve this through the cops. I lost hopes in life. I am often crying alone. I am going through a lot now. I just need few consoling words. somebody pls comfort me. I dint even tell this to my parents as this s a serious issue here in India. m fighting all alone.

  23. Shriya: This is one battle of many. Learn from the experience, get stronger, don’t let it define you, rather learn from it and improve from the experience.

    Right now because you are focusing on it, it feels like unsolvable mess. From what you say it may not resolve but you can still grow and improve who you are and move ahead to better things.

  24. shriya says:

    thanks in tons. I am actually trying to pull myself out of this mess.

  25. ardy says:

    i have problems that seems really hard for me right now, i need someone who could give me the best solution here.
    its really complicated though.
    one day i got angry over my family and i choose to be silent and says nothing for days to them.
    and i keep going in the morning to my girlfriend and have fun with her, and try to forget the the issue that makes me angry.
    and came back home in the evening. then the next day i did the same things again.
    but this time a brother of mine calls me trough my girlfriend phone. my gf give the call to me then my brother chat with me. but i dont know why he talking about my girlfriend and her family in a very bad way. i cant accept that and it seems that i got changed becouse of her and return angry to him. then he started to talking about money and money, he start talking about his belonging and stuff. im 22 yrs old and my brother 35yrs old and married. even though i dont have a lot of money like him but i never ask money for him, not even once in my life and i have been able search for my own money.
    then he started to talk about my father and about god. i really got angry to him. until a moment that i want to punch him if we ever met, i never get angry in my whole life like this.
    i got angry and then said no one in my family is caring about me and you are the worst. and dont ever talking bad about my gf and her family in a bad way they are out of our issue here, dont ever talk to her again. the next day all my family seems very different. and i seeing their eyes hating me. i dont know why but i really want to go from this house of prison and just dissapear from them. i dont want to talk to them ever again. and this issue is already happened very often, and everytime its happening they always ended talks about money. and i really hate them for sure. and what i really hate is that they talking bad about my gf that i really care the most and love the most, everytime that i got angry she’s always care for me.
    i think that im always being good person in here, but it seems that they really dont undrstand me enough, except my money.
    i dont know what to do know, that talks seems really imposible to do. and i just really frustated right now.

  26. Ardy: It sounds like you dont feel connected to your family.

    One possible answer is:
    Don’t stir up family for a month, Don’t leave for a month. Rather Take time to begin learning what you need to do to for your own actions. Then after you spent some time considering your options… start living your life. If you were to just run in anger that wouldn’t serve you so first release your anger then figure out what you want to do, Then start with the simplest steps and begin living as you need to.

    Many answers, but most will stir up trouble, so try to find an answer that doesn’t result in anger is my advice.

  27. ardy says:

    is that a way to show them what i really feel? so they will understand me.
    i already tried everything i could posibly do but it didnt work out.

  28. @Ardy: When others are not ready to listen, you dont share who you are, rather you move on and grow and find where you do belong.

    Be quiet around your family, give them space, find your path, prepare yourself and then make the choice that allow you to grow as a person.

    Sorry I can’t be more specific, you have to make your life your own. Find your own actions and make them work with time. Don’t try to define yourself by the eyes of your family, since if you do, they will only try ot shape you. In that you will only find anger. If you want to release your anger, then release needing your family’s approval.

  29. rosejasmine says:

    my age is 26,female, family used to be very happy parents both mom and dad are good.the relation between my mom and dad is always good.and all relations in my family are also good.but from last seven years a lot of change came in my father.he asked my mom to mediate some ladies for pleasures.but she rejected.from then he is always suspecting my mother is very traditional and dont go out and dont talk with anybody.then my father is suspecting my mother with my elder brother.for that my mother is suffering a lot.but my father take care of us in all matters.but im not getting why he is behaving like our family is traditional indian family,we are not able to leak this matter out as it spoil all the father is showing interest in other ladies.he is not changing.what is the solution for this?

  30. RoseJasmine, if you try to help your mother or father, then everyone will blame you for anything that goes wrong. Also it sounds like your father is being paranoid and looking for excuses to leave. In other words, no good answers work for your situation, every answer will create some form of conflict. Doing nothing will mean conflict also.

    You have to focus on improving your life and creating new options.

    If you were in the west I would say it’s time for you to start a new life outside your family and let your family work it out between each other.

  31. sravya says:

    I m in big confusion whether to continue my relation ship with my boyfriend or not,i do have some reasons for my state of confusion. He loves me so much but at the same time he loves his parents more than me,even though its a good thing,it won’t go well all the time right? Actually here in India we live with our parents after marriage also, he is not supporting to me when ever i have an issue with his parents? What if? i marry him? will he supporting me during tough times? i dont know? and he is very possessive with me, he can’t even bare the thought of me talking to some other guys in my office..!! He sets so many conditions to me like what to do what not to do etc.. But he loves me so much and very caring and very affectionate..!! Due to some family problems my parents are not letting me to meet him,Dont know what to do?? Any help?

  32. @Sravya: Move on. Release this relationship. There will be many chances to meet others. Your parents are trying to help you it seems in this case.

    When other people set conditions or tries to force you or consistently get angry at you, then that isn’t a healthy relationship. Don’t let another person steal your power, or convince of something.

    If you marry this person you will only marry into anger and conflict. Too many women in India get burned (in too many ways)… don’t be one of them.

  33. shahad says:

    i am 23 years old. i am in relation with my maternal uncle’s brother in law. i am better than him in terms of salary or looks. and thats why my family is against this relation and moreover we are relatives also. i tried a lot to convince them, but they are not agree. also the boy is very short tempered. he used to abuse me sometimes. at that time i want to get rid of this relation. i dont want to ditch him(because he loves me very much), neither i want to go against my family. i cant concentrate on anything. my family is pressurizing me to get married. please suggest me what to do

  34. Shahad: Let him go. There is never a good enough reason to stay through abuse. Leave the relationship.

    Only get married when you find the right person and don’t let other people choose for you. This is your choice, your life your path. be patient and careful but live your own life. Many will try to abuse you or force you to do their choices… be stronger and find your own path.

  35. rebuk says:

    i am losing my interest in studies.I once was one of the best students of my college but now i hardly manage to get passed.Every friends now underestimate me as i am the dumbest of all.A few months back,i was happy with my life.I was good at studies and good with my love life.But now even my girlfriend has left me too.And i seriously don’t know the reason of it.Please help me to sort it out.(sorry for grammatical mistake.)

  36. Rebuk: You have many choices, but doing nothing will just lead to failure.

    Pick a path you can support: You release the girlfriend, simplify your life and finish school. Or you release school and work strongly to what you feel is right.

    If you don’t have a passion, don’t have clue on what to do outside of school. Then finish school to buy yourself some time to discover your passion in life.

    It isn’t about finding a girl, starting a family and just doing the same thing as everyone else. Take the time to be Rebuk! Find your passion and then let it lead you through your next set of challenges.

  37. gch says:

    I thought of this just now. Some reflection that comes to mind as I just space into emptiness and let my thoughts form from the various post I just read.

    “It isn’t me who chooses love, but love that chooses me.” The quote is not 100% accurate, but very close and it is among the lyrics of Leonard Cohen, A Jewish born Buddhist, if my information is correct. – which is not the point here at all…

    Anyway, just something that I thought of. Maybe it means, stop looking for love and then it can find you. And maybe it means something for someone else. Felt compelled to write it here.


  38. @gch: Yes when trying to force love to meet an expectation, to actively look for it and then in looking for it, it doesn’t match to your expectations… means many people pass by true love without even knowing they just did pass by true love.

    This is why many people find true love after they stop looking, because once they stop looking, their expectations stop getting in the way.

  39. Mreenal Banik says:

    I am in love with a girl since 7 yrs and have also decided to marry. but last year I came to know that she was dating with one of my friend for about a year when I discovered it she was not at all guilty about it and blamed me for it as I m a transgender. all these years I did whatever I could so that she might be happy n never found that she was not comfortable with me but suddenly she changed though she knew that I left my family for her. I trusted her more then anyone else but then too she betrayed me. now she tells that whatever she did was wrong and is feeling guilty but my trust n heart broke. I feel such pain that doesn’t go though its a year now. I always needed someone who lover inspite of everything cared about me but there is none. please help what should I do

  40. rkh says:

    my parents were separated past five years ago but from then I have not found peace of mind. people now n then keep on asking me about it. they also pass comments behind my back. this all are very annoying what should I do

  41. Hi Mreenal:

    I would suggest watching the About Relationships video to better understand the nature and elements that comprise a relationship.

    A relationship cannot be based upon guilt. It is best to learn the lessons you have now and then to start fresh with new energy in balancing out a relationship that doesn’t have judgement within it.


  42. Bhagya says:

    I am working in a NGO where all are very skilled and educated people, but i have only studied till SSLC and working as a research Assistant there. I feel guilty as everybody have skill but i am not. some times i feel like they are avoiding me for everything, I am working there from Jan 2013 but till my salary has not increased but everybody salary has increased. presently i am working on a slum project going field studies and data analysing and also helping in admin stuffs. some times i think to quit my job but due to my family situation i am not able to do it. As i am afraid of thinking that i will not be able to get the same salaried job [ 20k]. Please suggest me something as i am very dipressed now, i can’t even share this with my husband because he fears that he will lose my salary and it will be difficult to maintain the family. So please help me to come out of this situtaion as i am not interested in working here except for the salary.

  43. khan says:

    my problm is that bieng a boy i react like girls . when some say about that i feel very bad. any one can tell how can i change

  44. john says:

    I always enjoy when you say “just saying…” always puts a smile on face:)

  45. Khan: Be strong as yourself. Pay attention to others, you can shift accordingly to be to slightly more boyish at times, but don’t loose yourself either.

    Every living person has the challenge of balancing out who we are to who we act out as around others.

    You can think of it as acting class, learning how to be a role when it is graceful to play that part and being more yourself when again it is graceful.

    Over time as you get stronger, as you are able to resist outside social pressure better -> you can then be more and more your own person. Discover strength of presence -> which can be boyish or girlish -> people respect strength and then use that to support you. But you have to do it with presence, with confidence so people respect it.

    It is that path to being respected that is tough. So play around with strengthening yourself in a manner that you gain respect but not at the cost of losing yourself. At times it means you will have to be more aggressive in protecting that “girl” side. There is nothing wrong at all with it, rather it is about learning how to balance the social reaction game.

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