Helping Partners in Change
I get quite a few emails from partners of people experiencing Mid-Life Crisis.
This article is written and dedicated to help those working with others in change and crisis.
Firstly, it must be stressed that if you have a partner experiencing a mid life crisis, then be aware there isn’t a single simple answer to make it all resolve quickly. This is a process that requires: patience, acceptance and time to accomplish.
Secondly, the more you restrain the process, bound it by expectations and limitations, the less likely it will turn out to become a positive experience.
Understanding Crisis as Change
Your partner is changing. Don’t take this change personally. We all change, over time everyone needs to be able to shift with life. What makes this process difficult for partners is that mid life crisis will often force you to deal with change outside your own natural timing of change.
The process of joint change is far more complicated. Since in crisis, all checks and balances are tested in a relationship. Every aspect of the relationship: workloads, expectations, family support structures and other aspects will teeter about and shift.
So a basic part of the issue is: in reflection of your partner changing, it will force some change in you. The questions can quickly shift to become: Are you ready to change? How much are you willing to change to balance out the situation? In changing to help you partner, are you actually hurting yourself? Just because your partner is transforming doesn’t mean you have to change. Yet, chances are no matter how you handle this situation; you also will discover yourself in a new light.
This is a very delicate dance!
An Insight:
Don’t take your partner’s change personally.
Because the process forces you to change also, as partners we often take mid life crisis personally. This means often times we impose our own judgment, fears and desires upon our partner. In doing this you can actually accelerate the process, often to accelerate your partner away from you. After all, in trying to define their change in your own terms you can easily force them further away from their own change.
You can work on your own change within this process, but be sensitive to how you impose / share your own fears and judgments upon your partner. They are in a delicate state of mind. It takes very little effort to step on a mine in a minefield, likewise, it doesn’t take too much effort to step on deeper issues within your partners hidden internal spirit, issues that are coming to the surface now that the midlife crisis is stirring up the spirit.
This process takes patience, awareness and kindness.
We change side by side, not in lock step with those we love. Freely flowing in the love of becoming more!
What is Crisis?
If you partner is truly in the middle of Mid Life Crisis, then it has the potential to become a time when you are literally living in a falling house of cards.
Think about an earthquake for a second, when the earth changes and rocks. You don’t stand in the middle of the house in an earthquake, hoping the house will protect you. You run for the door to either stand outside of the house or in a doorway to protect yourself from falling debris. After the earthquake is over you can go back in and fix the house.
A person experiencing mid life crisis is literally having an earthquake of the soul. Little stable ground exists inside them to act as support at such a time of inner shift.
Some counseling tips to help you start.
- Help shift the crisis into transformation. Crisis is about breaking, the more you re-enforce crisis, the more likely your relationship will break from the crisis. Instead approach this as a process of transformation. Transformation isn’t about breaking, it’s about change. If you help your partner transform, it helps smooth out the breaking aspects of change and you will have a higher likely hood of being able to repair any relationship problems as a result.
- Don’t hold on too tightly to your partner. The harder you hold on to them the more likely their change will break you in reflection, or cause inner turmoil for yourself to be set off. Also the harder you hold to them, the more you reinforce the crisis and inner earthquake aspects of the process. Hold on enough as require keeping yourself and other family members together. Hold on enough to help balance your partner as required, but not too much to take the brunt of their lashing out.
- Since a partner is in part a reflection of ourselves, you will have to find peace in shifting also. Otherwise you will internalize the stress and take on the pain of mid life crisis yourself. It will be equally important for you to be extra pro-active in your own health practices, and look towards movement practices such as yoga or Qi-Gong to help re-establish your own equilibrium.
Who is your partner now?
All preconceived expectations quickly disappear in this state, and a person can shift moods, emotional state, and personality very quickly and unexpectedly at this time.
The person you thought you knew, is not who they are now.
In effect you are with a younger person rediscovering and re-establishing themselves.
This means not to only treat them like the person you knew, but to also begin a new relationship with the person now growing up in your life.
In effect you are having three relationships at once! One with the person you knew, one with a person experiencing crisis and one with the new personality growing out from the crisis! This is why marriages often fail in Mid Life Crisis. Most marriages are based upon expectations and memories of the past. Mid Life Crisis re-shifts and changes all the rules, as the person is in transition. Their desires and definitions are shifting as they change in the crisis! As a result marriages can and do break. The simplest way to help to prevent this is not to base your marriage on expectation or the past. Be forward thinking and make new rules for your marriage and help discover a new partnership in exchange.
For many people this can be the chance to re-vitalize their partnership / marriage!
But by definition to re-vitalize, it will mean to drop old expectations, truly shift and jump in to something new!
Also be very aware, you may not like the new person evolving from the crisis. While we can help mold a person slightly at this time, the more you do so, the more you actually can hurt yourself and them in the long term. Trying to mold a person at this stage just introduces new problems to be dealt with later in life.
The stories of mid life crisis, are often that the person will leave the marriage or relationship. Yet it should be noted, it’s as equally valid that at times the partner not in crisis might leave due to the situation evolving into something that doesn’t fit your life.
Kindness
In this whole process: Kindness is one key step which I teach. Kindness is important for everyone involved. In helping another person transform, don’t forget to be kind to yourself.
Take care of yourself!
Don’t jump in to save your partner until you are truly ready to understand and accept your own problems.
It’s like when a plane is crashing and the oxygen masks fall down. You don’t place the mask on the other person first, instead, first take care of your mask which then lets you take care of others… This is a similar situation.
One common pattern is after helping a person change, is to take on too much pain. To take too many emotional bruises during the act of crisis can be very terrible. Don’t take on pain to a point it becomes destructive to yourself.
Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself in this process of crisis, because if you can’t take care of yourself, how can you expect to help heal another person?
When people help others in crisis unless they are ready to handle the crisis themselves, the crisis can literally derail the savior’s life by the force of revelatory repercussions that will also come with the process.
Understanding Karma
In working with crisis at times the process is made more complicated, since, the issues being worked upon can go deep and be a result of multi-generational problems.
At times, it’s hard for anyone acting as a healer not to use their own perspective to overlay upon another person. When we see a person going down a path that will hurt more, we want to help. Empathy is part of being a healer or being with someone you love. Ironically, the emotional pain can actually form the baseline for the healing they need.
It’s important not to push your partner too hard and cause them more hurt which they wouldn’t be able to recover from!
The bigger issue is that at times pain runs deeper than you might realize. This is when Karma is part of the issue. Karma not in terms of your actions, but rather Karmic results coming from choices made from people in your family tree, this is “Generational Karma”. When Generational Karma is involved then it’s never a simply straightforward business to heal. Often times we have multi generational issues happening within a Mid Life Crisis. Mid Life Crisis can be a time when a person will begin to shed off family issues and problems from previous generations. Once you get into this territory, the healing process is more twisted and often passes its way through generations to resolve.
This means when Karma or Generational Karma is involved people hurt themselves more for larger reasons that go beyond just them. Healing in these cases can span the spirits of several generations… This means focusing help or healing upon the one person won’t directly work since it’s missing the larger picture of balance. This is something modern healing practices often miss in their healing methods.
So be aware of Karma and multi-generational issues when helping your partner.
This also means to be careful on the timing of when you heal a person. If you heal a person before they are ready, they will often re-injure themselves or lash out at the person healing them. This is done subconsciously but on purpose to re-instate the pain driving the mid-life crisis process. When the pain is from generations, the wounds are deep. Just making things better at the surface can cause larger issues to surface which are more difficult to resolve if approached in the wrong manner.
Sincerely
Casey
For Assistance, Counseling or Mid Life transformation Retreats
Contact Casey Kochmer at:
PersonalTao@gmail.com
(360) 870-2897
(808) 935-6346
Additional Midlife Crisis Reading Materials
34 Responses to Helping Partners in Change
Leave a Reply
A Personal Tao
Discover the Tao and Taoism. This is a guide to the heart and a handbook for discovering the Tao.
Volume 2:
Living Grace. Now in work!
Hi Casey
My boyfriend and I have been happy until recent weeks. He has suddenly stated that he’s not sure if he is ”in love” with me anymore although said he loves me and cares for me. He told me he wants to get away from everyone. He needs a couple of weeks away by himself. He lives with me in my home and wants to have his own place. He said he’s not happy in himself or his image. Said he wants to get more fit. Says he’s always tired when I suggest we go walking or something. Is always acheing and sleep is affected. He’s worried about me a lot.
What do you think may be happening for my boyfriend?
regards
Tania
I love my partner very much and reading your articles has helped me understand what my partner may be going through. Although he has stated that it is not a midlife crisis.
regards
Tania
@Tania:
My articles here will help you understand basic ideas of what can be happening, but right now they are more for you rather than him to understand and learn options from. Many times the person in mid life transformation wont see this as transformation, and purposely reject any outside labels or assistance.
The material is calling to you, so use it for your own life, and your own understanding. With this you can act not with knowledge or judgment… but with acceptance and understanding so you can flow with the changes as they happen.
This process is a day by day process towards a newer life, including your own life. So take the time to grow in your own life. This way no matter what choices your boyfriend makes, you start and find ways to improve your own life also.
Casey,
About a week ago my husband told me he is no longer in love with me, that he is bored at work and wishes he could leave but knows he can’t because he has a family to support, that he thinks he needs just to get away from everything, his appearance has changed via working out and wearing different style clothing, he’s depressed. We have been together for 17 years, 13 of which we’ve been married, we have 3 children, 11, 9 and 5 … … he’s been my rock since High School. I’m devastated which has caused me to search online for any and everything on saving my marriage. Someone suggested a mid-life crisis, but he is only 35 years old.
I’m scared. He says he won’t leave us, but I’m not so sure. He moved me and my kids from Pennsylvania to Colorado 1 1/2 years ago, I have no support out here but him.
I’m at a loss and I’m hurting bad.
Sincerely,
Kerri
@Kerri:
No response I can give here will save your marriage magically.
The only way this will work out, is if you re-engineer your relationship to be something totally different. The last 13 years of your marriage led up to its failure. The flaws and wrong expectations in the relationship grew too great. If you want a relationship, it isn’t by keeping to the ideals of the old relationship which are flawed and are causing you each to feel trapped against.
The secret is to create a brand new relationship with respect and no judgment (Don’t concentrate on the ideal of love right now). You will need the help of an outside person to help you navigate this transition so you don’t repeat the conditions that are driving you both apart now.
This isn’t about giving away everything to one person either, that is a one sided relationship and those also burn out in the end. You each must give equally if it is to work and becoming something new.
The hard part is you both have to work at these changes, and unless you each change, nothing changes. The chances are you will hold on to an old ideal of love, and he will hold on to an ideal of freedom of being alone or the ideal of being with a different person who accepts him without judgment… If either of you hold to these ideals or day dreams… then neither of you will find peace, even if the marriage survives or even if the marriage breaks apart. The problem is that ideals are all judgments, and as such any ideal held, will cause problems by not allowing true change to balance out in the new relationship.
Blessings towards your hard work ahead. It isn’t about making the pain go magically away, it’s about using the pain to help guide you to a more balanced relationship. To not be afraid to learn and try new ways to work together. Once the relationship is properly re-balanced then the pain and fear can go away.
You are both changing, becoming newer people… as a result its a hard process. Work to change and you have a chance.
blessings to you
Casey,
I have been with my boyfriend for a year. I know that isn’t a very long time to other people but we are very close and very mature about our relationship and we are constantly ‘working’ on our relationship. We have very open communication, most of the time. And that ‘most of the time’ leads to now.
My boyfriend is going through a change.. He’s 21 and he comes from a background where his father controlled how he behaved, playing a lot of psychological games with him growing up, so it affects him to this day.
He’s recently began this change.. every time I bring up an issue, he puts up a ‘wall’ and he never used to do that before. Discussions turn into arguments where they never have before and it takes two or three hours of both of us being hurt before I can finally break my way back in. And then he breaks down, apologizes, and we try to fix it the best we can.
He hates that his father did this to him and he’s sorry every time he hurts me, because he does get mean and does act like a different person than the man I know I love.
But at the same time, he’s told me he can feel himself changing back to how he was when he could actually think to himself and solve problems by himself. I don’t know how to handle a more independent thinker, I’m used to being the one who led him to everything. I’m glad he’s happy and he feels like he’s finally becoming an independent adult.. but to him that means leaning on me less and I miss it when he needed me more.
My questions are.. How can we get through this change? How can I learn to change with him when I don’t feel like I’m ready to be more independent? How can I help him get through this without sounding like a know-it-all and pushing him away?
Thanks,
Rachel
@Rachel
Give him space to grow so you can begin finding the space to be more on your own terms also. But also interact, explore and talk. This isn’t about single answers, rather it’s about dozens of little things you do each day to live with him. You will have to play and experiment.
The sooner you find balance the less likely the relationship will break later to co-dependency. Co-dependency will erode down one person to the point of their losing their own self worth. This usually breaks up relationship in 7 to 10 years time. That’s a lot of time to waste in building up patterns that destroy a relationship. Rather help each other change, so you discover tools of change. This will allow your relationship to shift, grow and mature, so your friendship survives for a lifetime. This allows the relationship not to be static. People make the mistake to just try and keep a relationship alive at all costs, including giving oneself away slowly in a spiritual death trying to only support one person’s growth in a unbalanced manner.
Take the time now to allow your relationship to discover the tools of change, so you can change together over time into a friendship that can last with time.
Time is relationship.. If only one person “gives” that is not a relationship, it is merely consumption that leaves one partner as an eaten out husk.
Time is relationship, and that means living it one day at a time and letting each day change both of you a little towards something new and something you wish to become.. one step , one day at a time…
Sincerely
Casey
Casey,
Husband moved out a month ago. Dropped the bomb on me on February 15th and left a month later. He is staying with his parents. Have not had any contact with him in almost two weeks. There is an other woman, a relationship that started as an emotional affair and has led to a physical affair. I am not sure there is anything I can do. Any suggestions?
Thanks,
helpmlc
Casey – I failed to mentioned, we’ve been married for almost 7 years and together for almost 18. This came out of no where with no warning.
Where to start!! I’ve been married for 16 yrs. We are both 39 yrs old. I thought happily. Like any other marriage we have ups and downs but nothing major. About 3 1/2 yrs ago my husband had an emotional affair. I had suspicions and confronted him. He cried and swore to me it was nothing. He met her a a job related event once and it was only phone conversations. He never saw her again. He never had physical contact with her. He begged me to forgive him that he would prove himself to me. I chose to work through it. We have an 11 yr old daughter and she deserved that much. It was a tough year or so where I was constant worried what if he does it again. I never turned him away or rejected him. Even on days I felt like leaving him for breaking my heart. I cried a lot the first 6 months. I just worked out my inner demons and i got through it without therapy. This past 2 years were, I thought, great. We had a great summer. We went out on the boat almost every weekend. We went on a few family trips with my nieces and nephews to universal studios and Disney and busch gardens. Our sex life was in full swing. Everything seemed wonderful. Last august 31, we had a small argument over a dream I had. He went all off and told me that he loves me but is not sure he is in love with me. Time is passing and he wants to live his life. He wants to party and have fun with his friends without having to worry about coming home at a reasonable time or not coming at all. He needs time to sort out his feelings. Wow was my response. What happened?? He says he’s been unhappy for at least a year now but he was waiting. When I asked about the wonderful summer we just had he had no answer.
We agreed we would “separate” while living in the same house. I wouldn’t question where he goes or comes. I wouldn’t call him unless it was related to our daughter. I moved to the spare room. This lasted about a week before he started calling and texting me. In about two weeks he invites me over to his room and we slept together. Things looked like they were going on the right track. About 4 weeks later I get another speech on how he is just not feeling it. He feels trapped and wants to run away. Again I leave to the spare room. We would set up dinner dates just us without my daughter. It seemed like slowly we were getting somewhere. It didn’t seem hopeless. Then the first week of January he again tells me that it’s just not working and he feels his life is paused. He needs to live cause he’s not getting any younger. He starts again going out with his friends but instead of once or twice a week, almost every night til 4-5 am. I say nothing to him. I don’t argue or fight what he wants to do. About a week after valentines day he comes to me again and he tells me that he read a book online that made him realize that had to try to make this work for the sake of our daughter. That she deserves that much. I agree and tell him we can work through this. He even tells me he’s willing to maybe try counseling. He says no more distractions or parties. He’s going to concentrate on us. Since then he has been home more. He has still gone out with his friends ( did I mention they are are in their 20′s and single) once every two weeks. He still tells me he doesn’t feel it. He doesn’t know what’s happening to him. Is he having a mid life crisis??? What can I do to help him?? I’m willing to work through it and patiently wait until his feelings come back. But how can I get him to wait too. He keeps talking about leaving. I’m scared if he leaves it’s over. He won’t come back.
He just text me that “the guys” are planning a weekend trip to universal studios in orlando. He won’t go anywhere with me because it doesn’t feel right right now. What am I supposed to do. I want to save my marriage but I don’t want to be taken advantage of either.
@julie:
Working things out like this are always case by case. I am not a marriage counselor, I am a life counselor who helps people find graceful ways to move thru their life.
Simple answers won’t work because there are many different aspects and angles to the situation.
You are discovering this, since you have been trying simple answers and each time it still leaves him disconnected.. Because he isn’t and you are not moving with your life: you are trying to make your life to be something it isn’t.
This isn’t about your marriage at all, it’s about your lifestyles and not finding meaning in how you are living.
So this requires a shifting in how you see life so you can get back on track to grow again. This means working with each of you to help you see where the disconnects are and help you each beginning to move ahead again in your life.
It other words this requires multiple answers to grow over time so you can help each other rather than breaking apart trying to relive past ideals… It’s time to do something new, and often that requires having a life counselor as myself help you get an outside perspective on what changes can work and which ones… are merely reliving the past and doomed to repeat and fail.
sincerely
Casey
@HelpMLC:
There probably were warnings, but people don’t recognize them, it isn’t taught in school.
The best advice I can give, is to take the time to concentrate on your life and become the person you want to be…
Ironically the more you ignore him and the more you work on yourself the better the odds are…
1) your life will improve
2) he might improve and come back (not likely but still this approach works best)
any other approach really doesn’t gain you anything and at least this approach ensures your life gets better no matter what he decides.
You cannot make him choose you and if you do… it wouldn’t work anyways because the trust is already broken. and you wouldn’t be able to accept him back as a result and not reject him later due to the broken trust.
I have helped people in this situation recover and build new lives, and even at times create whole new relationships with their old partner. But its hard, takes much time, takes a very special heart willing to change.
The right answers are often the hardest answers to live fully.
All other answers are just make shift solutions assured to fail later. Take the time to start rebuilding your own life first. no matter what does happen, you have to do this, so start here.
Sincerely
Casey
After 23 years of marrage, to be told by my wife that she doesn’t love me, has totally devistated me. I’m searching for reasons & answers in a desperate attempt to keep us together, but at the moment she has left home for a ” trial seperation “. I knew our relationship had problems & we we’re drifting apart & our efforts were aimed more towards the kids rather than ourselves. But this summer the kids had both gone to university & I thought we’d both made an effort, had a good summer together and the future was looking good. Thats when Tracey turn to me & said “I don’t love you, my feelings have changed towards you, I care for you & love you like a brother But I don’t love you as a wife should love a husband”. ” I think I’d be better off living on my own, so I’ve only got myself to think off”.
I’m finding it very difficult to cope with this, I love tracey so much perhaps more now than when we first married to me she is my best friend, wife, & lover. My life has always been tracey and the family and thought she was the same & I can’t believe she’s prepared to loose everything we’ve built over the years.
Is there any hope of saving my marriage I know it’s going to take time & alot of work but how do I convince tracey it’s worth trying ?
Brain please read the previous response I gave to Julie and the response I gave to Kerri. Those responses apply closely to your case.
What is worth trying is living your life well.
The more you try to save the marriage the more likely you will make sure it can’t be saved. You have to release your wife a 100% to have a chance to maybe fixing your marriage later. It’s all up to you. It’s not about saving your marriage, that’s already broken and done. So no there is no hope in saving your marriage. None.
What there is hope in: is creating a new marriage. but that can only be done
1) releasing the old relationship
2) give some time for each person to find themselves
3) build up a new friendship
4) change with time
5) Discover a new relationship with your ex-wife
Anyone crying about how good their broken marriage is… is lost. no one can help them…Anyone lamenting about the past is too lost in the past thinking it was good… when in fact, it wasn’t good, because it did break.
A person putting all their energy into the past… is to decay to the past
A person putting their energy into their new life, has all the hope that a new life can offer.
This has nothing to do with Tracey any more, this has everything to do with you and deciding to live a new life.. This has everything to do with respect. She has made it clear she needs to leave. Respect that wish 100% if you are to have any chance to even save the friendship.
Blessings in your journey
Brian,
I have face something similar to your experience. My husband of 25 years (the love of my life) was going after the neighbor sexually. She would not have it, so he went with the 25 year old exmeth addict at work. This man has been verbally abusive for many years, however I would have never guessed he would do such a thing. We lost everything our beautiful home and our lives together. Was like getting hit in the face with a 2 x 4. The OW called my work several times until I lost my job. The H denied it all. He was texting this person for months when I was at work. He was on the phone all the time with the OW. I even at one point came down with a 104 temp, asked him to take me to the doctor and he refused. I almost died that night and this man didnt care. Never even asked what happened. When my mother died he refused to go to the funeral said he was mad. I took care of this man for years, never even looked at another man. This is what I got in return. I did kick him out of the old home, moved and have been away from him for 9 months. He is not seeing the OW anymore, however it dosent matter. The marriage is destroyed. We have since divorced. He did give me everything and didnt look back. he speaks to my son and father but says he is sorry for what he lost. At this point the marriage is dead. I do take care of myself and I now own my own home now by myself and two cars. I have a life of my own. He couldnt even keep a job. Sometimes I feel very alone, but realize I was alone when he was with me. You see he is an alcoholic. I dont know if it was MLC or not but at this point I do need to think about me. I do hope you take care of yourself and move on for now. If you truley belong together you will be together. If not you will be happy one day and look back at lessons learned. God Bless you and Good Luck
Thanks for sharing your story Debra. the more stories shared shows more about how peopple are not alone in what they are going through.
A person going through this process feels separated, lost trying to figure out what they did wrong or how they can fix things. Fixing requires release first. Release is the process for anyone to go however they don’t want to be alone initially. But later it does can can become something to become better against. I have fix some marriages and help others separate gracefully… the one thing in common is I get the people to work with each other in kindness and to to heart so no matter where it ends up, it means the people involved grow stronger and become themselves.
blessings in your life
My wife and I have had a terrible year with our 15/16 year old daughter who has changed from being a wonderful, warm child into someone we don’t recognise who steals, lies, drinks, takes drugs, runs away from home, damages our home, and who has been very abusive to both of us. My wife has suffered from depression in the past which culminated in her having an affair. We went to couple counselling and we changed lots of things in our lives to make the marriage better. 5 weeks ago my wife walked out crying saying she needed some space and hasn’t been back since. She has been staying with a friend and says that she doesn’t know what she wants any more, she loves me but doesn’t know if that is enough for her, that she wants to do things on her own – go for sleepovers and holidays with her friends and without me. She has been signed off from work with stress/depression. She has only seen her parents once since she left and has had no contact, apart from SMS message with our daughter who now lives in a homeless hostel. My father died two weeks ago as well after a long illness and she supported me through that but has now retreated into her “hiding place”. Any useful suggestions for helping us would be gratefully received. Thank you.
@Kimmy: I would suggest finding a counselor locally where you where you are at to help you begin detangling your own personal feelings.
The more you try to directly reach your partner or your daughter the more you risk pushing them away, and having a local counselor will help you figure out the best approaches. From what yo describe in your situation there exist deeper issues within your family life, issues that led to some very deep crisis situations. You have to proactively live your life one day at a time and not give in to depression. You must give the space required to your family members to begin their own healing process.
You need to make sure you patiently work at keeping yourself physically healthy and still do weekly exercise to help keep your spirits strong.
It took years for your situation to degrade to where it is now, no quick fix answer will untangle that in a day, night, month or year… rather you must patiently work at improving your life , learning from mistakes made and continuing to improve your life as you can. The sooner you pull your own spirit up to be true to your heart the sooner other members of your family will begin to find answers also.
This process is not about miracles, it is about living life and accepting life as your own. The truth of finding oneself in what appears to be such an impossible situation as you type it is exactly the miracle in itself for many people. Right now it may seem you face an impossible path, and that is because you are looking for answers that is years out still, you are not in the space of mind to accept the fuller answers yet. You must work a day at a time into becoming a newer person to hold the deeper answers you seek. IS this easy, no, is it possible, yes it is, i see many many people in your situation recreate a better life, a wonderful life, but its a day at a time accepting the mistakes made, learning from them and then growing into individuals that go beyond judgement and live to heart and acceptance.
Blessings for your path, it isn’t easy, but it is possible, Be strong, so later in life you can help show others and help prevent others from the same pain. Don’t run away from the pain… accept and make it something greater.
Don’t be afraid to find help continue to work with a counselor
Dear Kochmer,
Many thanks for your reply. I have actually been seeing a counsellor since January which came about because I was experiencing physical pains which were as a result of emotional pain. My wife and I agreed to go back to marriage counselling which hopefully will start in a few weeks. She is so confused and I am so afraid that she will just say goodbye without giving us a real chance. She says she doesn’t want to come home yet because she doesn’t want to send me mixed messages but I see it that we are not getting a real chance to work things out – we have great conversations but then it is all forgotten once she retreats into her shell. I am getting the message from you that I should just let her have this space – is that right? Thank you again.
Sorry, me again! How can I make the pain something greater? What do you mean by showing people later in life how to prevent the same pain?
@Kimmy:
1) Yes less is more right now. Giving her more space gives more time to grow and heal for everyone… This is generally speaking of course. This is always case by case and a person always needs to temper how general advice is applied to their situations.
2) Regarding pain. Generally speaking again. People often try to throw away their pain or hide from it. If you do this then you never solve the problems that created the pain in the first place and people as creatures of habit will recreate the pain as a result. So when something bad happens, take the time not to ignore that or run away… Instead take the time to learn and grow from the experience.
It isn’t for you to force others to deal with the pain either. If a person decides to run away from their pain, respect their choice.
sincerely
Casey
Thank you.
Hi Casey,
Its me again. My wife has moved back into our house but into the spare room. FIrst she said it was because she wanted to give us 100% but some days she says strongly that she feels like she wants to live on her own and find herself. We are starting marriage counselling because I said I wanted to either make up or break up in a healthy way. She doesn’t want any physical contact with me because of giving me “mixed signals” and yet she moved back in. She continues to have a lot of contact with the friend that she was staying with and her phone is hidden all the time. I am so confused and I am trying to give her the space and time she needs but feel very lonely and unwanted. Any further good advice would be very much appreciated.
@kimmy:
It is all about openness now, if she isn’t willing to be open in the way she feels, if she hides her phone, her activities and what she does… then there is no hope and it’s time to move on.
This isn’t about saving the marriage. The marriage is already broken, the trust upon which that marriage was built upon is gone. This is all about creating a new friendship. From what you write, it doesn’t sound like she is back to be a friend rather it sounds like she is hiding, she is afraid to be alone and doesn’t know where to go… So in your heart, this may feel like your chance to help save her… and know it’s not, because she has to open up in her trust first. Due to the way you two reflect each other, you can never be the person to help her and In hiding she is showing you she isn’t ready for a new relationship (you already know the old relationship has failed).
The hard but simple truth in your situation is this:
Sometimes the best but hardest action is to encourage another person to move on and start living their lives so you can also then live yours.
It’s time to move on.
To anyone else besides Kimmy who reads this post: Understand this post is written specifically for Kimmy, be careful how you interpret it, since it is all too easy to not understand what I am writing, unless you are in the exact same situation as Kimmy.
Hi Casey,
Well my wife and I went to marriage counselling and she said first that she could see us living together as friends and then later that she wanted to be on her own and then maybe we could start again. Two nights ago she said she wanted to break up but continues to stay in the house. My feeling is that it is more to do with finances than anything else. We have been playing sports together and socialising but then she leaves early in the morning and doesn’t come back until late at night. I have asked her about the phone hiding and she denies it completely. I am at a little bit of a loss right now, and extremely confused. I am trying to forge a life for myself, by meeting friends, and I have taken up a new hobby. I can’t afford to live in our house myself, don’t have anywhere else to go and I feel that losing my home, as well as my daughter, my father and my marriage would be too much for me. We were meant to be going back to counselling this week but I have said I don’t think there’s much point just now as her head is not in the right space – her response was “I thought you wanted whatever happens to be healthy”. Actually, at the moment I just want peace.
@Kimmy: It is the challenge ahead of you to find what brings peace in your heart. Peace isn’t about what is “right” nor “wrong”… it isn’t about what works for society nor what is comfortable.
Peace is all about finding acceptance for your own actions and decisions, and living your life as your own life … one day at a time. Each day striving for better more graceful answers.
Follow your peace, don’t confuse that with comfort nor making another person happy. Let peace be about acceptance within yourself as your own person.
Hello Casey. Thank you for your reply and I hope you had a restful holiday.
I am desperately trying to move towards finding peace. I found a way that I could stay in the marital home for 6 months to give me time to adjust to my new circumstances. I gave my wife the option of leaving the home so that she could start her new life but she appears to be delaying this – saying she is worried about how our daughter will take it (she doesn’t live at home) and saying she is worried about me. She says the reason she spends 3 nights away per week is because she wants to give me space. I have accepted that our marriage is over and that I need to move on (however hard that is going to be for me) but I don’t believe I am going to be able to move towards finding peace while she is still in the home. She has told a mutual friend of her “decision” to leave the marriage but hasn’t told her family or other friends. I want to be kind to her because I don’t want our 13 years together to end in anger but I don’t know how to make her go. I told her that I was angry with her for giving up on our marriage without even trying and that I had been upset that she just took her wedding ring off “to see how it felt” but she simply says nothing when I try and talk to her. I asked her why she had never spoken to me if I had annoyed her and she said she could never be annoyed with me and that she thought I wouldn’t love her anymore and would leave.
@Kimmy: Please move this discussion to the forum part of the site.
No answers will make it all work right ..all answers have to be small and worked over time to create a new life by small actions over time.
Sounds like to me, you have already said what you want, now you just have to say it with heart backing your words, that it is her time to leave and grow in her own path.
But please respond in the forum to continue your discussion.
sincerely
Casey
I’ve just discovered this web-site and at a very important time in our lives. We’ve had some tough health and family issues to face in our twenty years together. Now we have both stopped work it’s like a plug being pulled giving us time for ourselves to review where we are at. We’ve started a programme of creativity – ‘Find the artist within’ and it’s already helping us to gain some equilibrium and focus. I worked as a creative therapist and am having to accept a gradual and patient time of change for myself and my partner. It’s also a time of great reflection about the past and the path my life has followed. Reading the guidance about mid-life crisis has been really helpful. Thankyou.
@Norfolk Lass:
I am glad this has helped. Yes working with Art can make a huge difference and I highly recommend it for everyone in this process.
Hi Casey,
My husband is 33 and I’m 31. We’ve known each other for 10 years now, dated for 7 and married for 3.
He switched jobs in April last year and the new job required him to entertain a lot. I have never controlled him and understood that all the entertainment was required as part of his work. We have always been very transparent with each other and I did not query more. Around 8 months ago, he started staying out later and later, and eventually ceased to be intimate with me. He no longer tells me who he’s with and eventually stopped talking to me about his work cos he felt “I don’t understand” and “don’t say the things he wants to listen”.
I didn’t pick up on the signs of mid-life crisis earlier, and so started talking to him about our relationship issues. I asked him what does he view our marriage as and what does he view me as and asked him how long does he intend to keep running away from the issue? On hindsight now, this was a suicidal thing to do, but I didn’t know better then.
1 month ago, he decided to move out of our current home (we’re living with my parents, while waiting for our own marital home to be ready in March) and back to his parents’ place. He was very brutal, hurling verbal abuse at me that he has had enough of my unreasonableness and that no man would have been able to tolerate me for 10 miserable years, let alone marry me. He literally stamped on all my self-esteem and reduced it to nothingness before moving out despite me asking him not to. He wanted a 2-week cooling off period, to think about things. When we met, he said he’s still very confused. He told me about how he had cheated on me and how he’s having an affair, but after I asked him what he wants me to consider about all of that (i.e. give him more time, or co-exist etc.), he told me that what he said was all a lie. He was banking on the old me to tell him I want a divorce cos I won’t tolerate cheating. I didn’t do that because I loved him too much and I really want to save this marriage.
I told him clearly that I want to save this marriage and asked him to think if he wants the same too. The next day he told me that he is actually ready to just let this marriage go. He says he has changed, and there’s nothing that I did wrong or didn’t do. He just felt that he can no longer centre his life around me, he doesn’t see me in his future, and he doesn’t love me as much anymore. At best, he only cares about me and feels only guilt towards me. He wants a life of freedom and non-commitment more than anything else at this point in time. He then said he needs more time. So another week later, he told me that he’s no longer thinking of splitting. BUT, he doesn’t know whether he’s able to commit to mending this relationship together. He’s not prepared to go into lengthy discussion of what to do and how to proceed from here. He’s just sick of all these troublesome matters, which is why he really prefers to go back to living his life alone and commitment-free. So he said that although he doesn’t want to split anymore, he will wait till our new home is ready and move directly there. He will not be moving back with me for now, nor does he want me to move to his parents’ place.
Since then, he SMSes me occasionally and tells me he misses me and loves me, but he avoids meeting me or talking to me on the phone. I can’t really grasp his feelings and emotions based on this right now. Cos, how can you miss a person and be ok not meeting the person?
Right after he moved out, I did a lot of things that MLC sites have cautioned not to do – pleading and begging, hounding him for reasons, forcing him to talk etc. But now, I’ve started to give him the space and time he wants, and show him that I can respect what he wants. I don’t SMS him until he messages me first, and I don’t call him. Occasionally I still ask him if he wants to do things related to the new apartment together with me, which he declines and I just proceed to do them myself.
I’m slowly learning how to detach my happiness from him, so that I don’t have to go through the yo-yos of emotional highs and lows depending on how he responds to me.
However, I do worry about whether he will suddenly change his mind about reconciling again since we hardly have any communication now. Now that we have separated for 1 month+, I don’t know whether moving into our new place together will create another set of tension that will have him moving out within a week.
I really hope to keep this marriage going and wait for him to ride this out, but it’s going to get discouraging if he’s not going to be participative, and I’m afraid I might just lose steam and decide enough is enough. Am I having the right mindset here? Is there anything I can do?
Yours sincerely,
Fiona
@Fiona: Your life is changing. It is a slow process of rebuilding a new life.
It is not about “Right” answers
It is about taking patient steps to rebuild your life. Each case is unique.
What you and your husband went thru isn’t a mid life crisis. You both are still too young. Don’t use Mid Life crisis as an excuse for the problems you are facing.
While much of the advice from mid life sites will help you, It won’t be perfectly right either because you are not in mid life crisis. You are having a Relationship breakdown. In your case I would suggest finding a marriage counselor to help you sort out your options.
Sincerely
Casey
HI I wonder if you can help me. My partner did healing at Easter this year, he was 44 on the 13th April, had some disappointments at work and had been working very hard. I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and was also called back as had another scare on the other breast, this affected my partner, well ex partner. After he did the healing he said that he stirred up emotions and he became distant towards me within days he came out and said that we were over after 16 years together, said he had to let me go, a day later he was gone from our home and has not come back to live. He did not talk to me for a week and then came to our house and told me he saw me as a friend, told me there was no one else just that we had important things to do in life and that we were soul mates and would always be that way. Two weeks later he text me and told me he met a girl and was seeing her for a couple of weeks and he was moving in with her that following week. I was so angry and called him a coward for doing this over text, he then text me after, saying he was crying constantly about how he has treated me and the next couple of days acted like he didn’t even have that conversation. He asked could he come over and see me and the cats next week and I asked him why, as he left me, he replied that he wanted to chat and that we were best friends after all, I called him and said I could not be his best friend and that I loved him and could not do it, he panicked a bit on the phone and tried to tell me we would always be friends, I called him selfish and that he could not have everything he wanted and he had not once taken my feelings into consideration and that he now has another best friend. He has told his mum that the problems he has had expressing emotions throughout his life is her fault. He has just left his old life and has blown through our lives like a tornado. My question is, is this mid life crises as he doesn’t thinks so and also my heart is breaking and its making me ill, I love him and want to be there of course for him but cannot do it while he is with another woman, was I wrong to tell him I cannot be his friend, I feel so sorry for him as he seems lost but he doesn’t seem to care what he has done to everyone.
Thank you
Dee
@Dee: your question: IS he in mid life crisis? Doesn’t help you.
Either way. He did what he has done. Either way, he is in transformation and forcing you to change. Either way your life is in motion.
Confronting him with an explanation will only create conflict. So my saying yes he is in Mid life change, won’t change anything in that has happened or how you approach this.
We look for reasons to explain everything. It’s the other way around: Look towards your life and begin living it, in a way you want to be your own, not defined by another person, but in your own actions and strength to be your own person.
And yes he is in Mid life change… but I know this because it’s the reflection of the suffering you write about now.
Do you feel like you are in Mid life Transformation yourself? Probably not. However, for sure you do now see that your life is in crisis at the middle point of living as you clearly outline in your comment. So you have answered your own question for yourself. You are in Mid Life crisis, and it doesn’t matter that it was induced by another person or their own life issues.
What matters is that:
You are experiencing a crisis that impacts the very foundation of your life. You can’t fix this crisis by fixing him or changing the past which will never change.
You can only work with what has unfolded and you control directly, which is your own life: So concentrate on working on your own life. The more you take him out of that picture and remove him as an excuse (since you can’t control him anyways) for the nature of your crisis: the easier it is to move ahead, grow and get yourself firmly on your feet to move beyond the crisis. The teachings here will help.
sincerely
Casey