It’s a tough challenge rebuilding oneself into a new life. When this challenge comes at a low point, which is often the case, you will also have to face personal insecurities and judgments of failure.
A common question is this ( I just got this in an email today in fact):
“Help! I feel insecure and have to ”become someone” now. How do I do this?”
It is a common challenge to be tumbling within crisis while facing the need to start a fresh life. Often times a person is being dragged into life changes outside of their control. To be dragged into change leaves a person very disoriented and confused as to what steps will actually work. So if you have been dragged into change it’s a common issue to be at a low point in resources and to question yourself down to your very core. Understand at these times it’s acceptable initially to be confused, it’s ok to ask for help and then to take some time to get your bearings.
You are becoming someone new right now, the process has already started. Work actively against what is happening. In fact the challenges you face are the lessons Julie and I will use to strengthen you against. Part of such a process often includes finding a place to be or calling to those around you to reinforce your future self. So in part our process at One River / Personal Tao does include accepting a person as a student to help them not be alone or insecure and then to add an active framework to work against rather then languishing in fear or doing nothing.
I do encourage people at this stage to find help. You don’t have to figure out everything on your own when you feel disconnected and alone. It’s important not to reinforce your isolation as you build a new life in becoming someone. More importantly don’t go back to those who left or hurt you. Discover new teachers, find open minded individuals who can give you alternative ideas to explore.
The Steps to Becoming Someone
Here is the starting guide with the initial steps in building a new life.
Overall: understand this process changes quite dramatically depending on your situation. The following steps are initial guidelines to show a larger process.
- Others might say statements to hurt you. Such statements that will not be true and really is part of their process of either breaking away from you or trying to control you. Don’t judge what anyone says or make what others tell you personal. Everything other people say will be a reflection of them not you. Yes you can learn from what others say, but use what others say with modesty.
- Release judgments of failure! What matters is how you will move ahead in becoming someone you can be proud of. Judgment traps a person to the past, to one’s failures. Judgment is an anchor that will prevent a person from becoming someone new.
We can learn from past mistakes yes, but it is equally important not to get limited by your past also!
Because in part this will be an emotional process to release your judgements. You have to be kind to yourself to allow for the time to release being hard on yourself. It takes 3 months to process an emotion (compared to 3 seconds to process a thought). It’s a slower process we have to account for if a person is to successfully change later in life.
- Stabilize your life. This is where you are now, if you are asking this question: how do I become someone. For the first 3 months Julie and I spend much of the time working to ensure you don’t over react or create worse problems for yourself later. You need time to emotionally catch up to the newer realities you face.
- Simplify your life. As everything sorts out over the next 6 months it becomes time to remove out anything that doesn’t help you. overall the simpler you make life now, the less work later you will have to push through in your own development.
- Play a little. A person will need to relax and test new ideas out slowly. However, relaxing at a time of crisis is hard, the feeling of panic overcomes even strong people as they look ahead and realize they don’t have everything they need to survive. Fear undercuts us at this point of life so we need to counteract fear. Play and exercise are two very powerful tools to counteract fear and uncertainty. I will often ask new students in this situation to explore yoga, martial art or qi gong and ask them to play while doing these exercises. Ironically to do these exercises will get you involved with other people. The exercise will help channel your frustration and fear away. You will play and see things in a new light. You will meet new people and open up opportunities.Play is about expansion and in that expansion opportunity follows.
- Working against your current job. At some point I help a person examine what is going on in their work or situation. We want to change up old habits and discover new angles of working and living against. To learn any important lessons now so you don’t repeat any bad patterns in your future life.
- After Play comes Experimentation. Experimentation is the focusing of ideas that came out of play. The fact is no new idea / connection is going to perfect. It will require tinkering and experimentation to fit into your life.Also at this point you will also be able to get over your partner leaving. A partner leaving created the opportunity to do new things to try out new ideas. A person will discover gratitude in starting to live a new life and making it their own at this point.This whole process shakes life around a bit. In the shaking new elements will come into focus that you can’t out guess. So steps 2 thru 5 represents you buying time to let other newer elements come into your life. Steps 6 and 7 are active steps to then start living a new life. These new experiences will be the seeds for more unexpected ideas and connections that will be critical later in completing the overall transformation process in your life.
- So many more little things but at first lets concentrate on these earlier elements. Once you are stronger we will begin helping build out a deeper independence and self reliance.
In becoming someone, we don’t want to repeat our past. In becoming someone, we have to re-evaluate the stories in our life and release any old story that is holding us back. I teach a process I call discovering your essence. Essence is your style, it’s the core nature that drives all of your stories. Once you discover your essence you can put full energy into your future stories, your future life in becoming someone you will be proud to be: based upon your essence.
So finding your essence becomes step number 9. But this step requires a leap of faith that you are more than your stories. To not let your old fears, your old life, your old habits limit you.
One of the most powerful teachings I have is teaching a person how to recognize and see their essence. Once you know your essence you can tackle any story with zeal and be successful.
Becoming someone is to embrace your essence and then with style live boldly against the stories that unfold ahead of you.