Survive & Thrive After a MidLife Affair

Home Personal Tao Teachings Midlife Crisis & Transformation Survive & Thrive After a MidLife Affair

Midlife affairs are actually common.  At this time of life roughly forty percent of the  people I work with will need help working through and healing from the repercussions of a midlife affair.

I have helped many people work through the consequences of a midlife affair. Do not  underplay the finesse you will need to approach this time. The fact is, once you are reading this, it means you have entered a difficult situation, with very real consequences that will effect the rest of your life. It takes skill, deep patience and kindness to gracefully work thru the complexities of a midlife affair. Since you will likely be within deep emotional turmoil, finesse will be hard to achieve on your own. As a result an experienced guide is often the advocate you will need to help you navigate the, all too often, counter intuitive choices required to move through the overall process ahead of you.

How to Tackle a Midlife Affair

The core truth to handling a midlife affair is to remove judgment.

Judgment traps a person into having an midlife affair, judgments force affairs to go deeper and finally judgment creates conflicts that make affairs even messier situations than they need to be. Judgment prevents people from learning from their mistakes. Judgment after a midlife affair prevents the healing of everyone involved in the aftermath.

So to repeat, the baseline of resolving problems from a midlife affair is:

Release judgment!

Three Angles of a Midlife Affair

We can break down midlife affairs to three different cases to consider:

  • Pre Affair
  • During the Affair
  • Post Affair.

Lets look at each case separately.

Pre Midlife Affair

If you are considering a midlife affair, it means it’s time to take a deeper more honest look at both yourself and your current relationship. The desire to start a Midlife Affair often represents being afraid to directly work with your partner or that your partner has stopped communicating with you.

Many midlife affairs happen because a person is seeking to move past feeling stuck in their current life. The affair represents motion and new options. Affairs also represent the seeking of another person to provide comfort and finally often are an attempt to validate oneself through another person.

If you are longing towards an midlife affair the first step is to realize that your current relationship is already having serious enough problems to end it.

Finding a counselor to help you begin work out issues is often the more graceful path to explore rather than suppressing your feelings. The problem is individuals are often blind to personal problems so they cannot spot and fix them on their own (hence the pull to an affair). Understand that an affair rarely fixes personal problems, rather affairs usually only add additional complications into the mix.

The common approach to avoid having an affair is by suppressing personal feelings. Suppression of personal feelings will always fail as an answer. Suppression of feelings leads to (a) you breaking down to having the affair, (b) the pent up feelings coming out volcanically to break your current relationship later in a much more painful manner or (c) pent up feelings slowly rending your heart apart to the point you spiritually die, or even worse (d) the pent up feelings slowly tear a person up inside to the point they stop caring about life, many early deaths come out of not taking care of your body properly.

 

During the Midlife Affair

The truth is sometimes the midlife affair has to happen. Too much tension exists or the need for freedom is so strong that a person finds themselves in a relationship with another person. Part of this attraction comes out from that fact all new relationships are relatively judgement free still. New relationships are fresh, this opens up new experiences and kick starts the exploration of life again. The pull to live again is very irresistible. The pull to be with a person that doesn’t limit one down with judgements or measurement is intoxicating.

The only problem is this: having started a new relationship by breaking trust, this also sows the seeds of hidden judgements, judgements that will grow and circle back around to slowly eat away at your choices. A person can run only so far before having to start dealing with the very issues that created the previous set of relationship problems eating away at the earlier relationship.

The first few months of any affair may feel magical, but at some point judgement and past patterns will creep back into the situation to cause most people to repeat the seeds of crisis they were running away from.

Post Midlife Affair

One of the worse moments in a person’s life is when events catch up to a person and an affair becomes public. Most people fall back to the common tools taught to them by society to handle the after effects of a midlife affair: anger, judgment, hate, despair, feeling wronged or feeling morally right… The post affair situation commonly ends up as an emotional battle field.

Conflict accomplishes nothing and in the end judgment results in conflict.

The strangest truth is this:

It is possible to teach a person new ways to examine the whole situation. The midlife affair is not the primary problem.  Most people living fresh from the results of the midlife affair won’t believe this statement. But this is true: What truly matters is what did you learn and how can you make changes to improve life? The past is gone and it’s time to fix and make life strong again.

If you focus on the midlife affair, you will get stuck in the past and judgements which limit how you can grow from the situation. Learn from the affair but don’t focus upon it either. The affair can be a stepping stone towards a better life for everyone, if used as a stepping stone. For most people midlife affairs become swamps of despair due to the way they linger within the past event. Such a place is not a place worth living within, so instead drain the swamp and create a new baseline to grow into a better life.

Many people color the experience with only hate or regret. Hate is a very sad limited way to hold an experience. Hate allows no room for growth. In fact, hate dissolves the heart away, it eats a person away until they are left with nothing. Those resorting to hate often will fall prey to depression and slowly pull away from others.

No this whole process means being brave enough to stand up and learn from the experience. To be willing to live life honestly and not hiding away from others.

 

The Real Truth About a Midlife Affair

This is a very delicate case by case situation that most of the time will not be resolved smoothly without outside assistance. The fundamental value of trust that a marriage was based upon is broken and a whole new tact is required to create a new trust.

Here is the secret:

Mid life transformation is all about starting a new life. You and your partner are in mid life transformation. This means it’s possible to start and build a fresh new trust between partners, to create a whole new relationship, since you both are in transformation!

The process runs like this

  1. Remove judgement. No one is guilty.
  2. Release the Relationship. (All relationships)
  3. A new friendship is the baseline for a new beginning.
  4. Work with kindness.
  5. Help each other grow
  6. In time, if love reignites then remarry, if not then help each other move on

Is this easy? No it isn’t. The over whelming response of our society is to push guilt, to force relationships and want answers right away. Yet the mid life transformation process takes roughly two years to grow within. It takes time to grow, find one’s nature and then create a new trust.

But to those who take the time:

This is literally becomes a magical process,

truly the stuff of stories everyone else reads about and wishes would happen to them.

The only trouble is this: wishing for your story to have a happy ending is not the same as actively changing your lifestyle to create a happy ending.

To live the happy ending is a slow process requiring patience, it means making mistakes and growing from those mistakes. Feeling and lashing out in pain is not the same as working thru your process. It’s a long and hard continued effort. For most people this will be the hardest test they ever face in their life and relationship…

 

Finally and most importantly:

Be Brave.

Hiding from an midlife affair or truth only diminishes you in this process.

Be Brave: so you can live your life and grow.

Right now, it won’t seem possible that the whole midlife affair can ever resolve out gracefully, but having work with many people, all my students and clients say the same thing, they would go thru the process again: because it allowed them to truly live again, honestly and completely as themselves! In this process, we free those involved to live to heart, without judgement. The whole affair literally just becomes a past story to be shed as each person transforms into a newer wiser person.

Literally

  1. Shed your judgement of what things should look like or your judgements will shred you against the realities of what are actually in play.

Many people reading this are probably feeling shredded by the thoughts of an affair…The shredding feeling is your soul eroding away. Stand up and live your life.. or watch it erode away in pain.

It really is a personal choice. Sadly most people in this culture choose the painful path, only because they haven’t been shown this graceful path I am teaching here. This article is to help show you a better path that does work.

 

As a note: Many times people are stuck in abusive situations and a person will have an affair to help break free of abuse. Understand in abusive situations call immediately the abuse hotlines that exist and find assistance. No one should live through abuse. Abusive relationships require special helping conditions and local help. While I work with people around the world, I don’t work with abuse cases as it requires local assistance and professional help specially trained to help break of the abuse.

 

Start to Find Answers Now

If you need help right away you can start here with this 30 minute video.

Mid Life Crisis Affair Video

If you are on a mobile device and the video doesn’t play, you can watch directly on Vimeo instead here:
Working with Mid Life Crisis Affairs from Casey Kochmer on Vimeo.

Learn how to regain control of your life.

This 30 minute video talks about:
(1) Working with trust issues that arise from a midlife crisis affair.
(2) Changing how you interact with your partner.
(3) The state of mind of you and your partner.
(Changing the way to work with marriage)
(4) How to regain control of your life.
The keys of communication and non conflict. (Saying Less is More!)
(5) How long does it take to resolve everything?
(6) How to grow stronger rather than being destroyed by the midlife affair.
(7) Letting go of things said and how to listen.
(8) Dynamics of an midlife affair relationship. (Looking ahead to avoid common mistakes)
(9) What are true dangers of a midlife affair (Don’t repeat old patterns).
(10) How to grow from midlife mistakes.
(11) What are my next steps?
How to take personal control of the situation.
(12) Turning it all around to be strong.

Professional Assistance in Handling a Midlife Affair

I have helped many people thrive in the most beautiful ways after affairs have occurred, but it only can happen if you are ready to change. Otherwise, the conditions that led to the midlife affair will only get worse, the problems will repeat and you ensure leading a very unhappy future life.

Strangely and most sadly people often choose hate and pain as the answer to the midlife affair. Look around to how many bad divorces that happen that end up in hate, and you will know the truth of this statement. Refuse to let pain define your life, Choose to change and grow.

I can help you grow and thrive. But the process I teach isn’t for everyone. Of all the services I provide, this is the most serious and complicated one I offer. In the hardest cases, it even requires exploring the process of a Spiritual Divorce. No matter what path is taken: understand you will need to look to the future not the past, explore personal commitment in taking care of yourself and have a deeper patience to be true to your heart. It requires releasing all judgement to instead embrace acceptance that this is a time to grow.

Some in anger may not agree with what I write here but I know, from the hundreds of clients I have helped over the last decade resolve a midlife affair, that this process works with amazing results.

To quote one client:

Grace and Kindness were two unfamiliar words to me before Casey came into my life. As a result of his kind and non judgmental teachings my life has gone from a place of chaotic despair to a never before known place of peace and tranquility. Challenging but rewarding the way of the teaching has set me on a path to live to heart with kindness and grace.

If you are ready to step ahead and truly thrive after an midlife affair then contact me and lets start now.

Arrange Personal Help

Contact Julie & Casey
Email: PersonalTao@gmail.com
Phone: (360) 870-2897

All sessions are by appointment only.
Over Phone, Internet and In Person.

Additional Midlife Crisis Reading Materials

Please note: Any comments which are not respectful, are in anger, are rude or lash out with judgment will be deleted. Part of this teaching is to work without judgement.

112 Comments. Leave new

@Amanda:

You are at a critical crossroad with your husband and also your own life choices now. How you work with the relationship with your husband will change very rapidly based on many different factors. If you want I can help guide you through this process. To start, I would talk with you to review the full situation and then tailor the advice to move in simple steps that best fit to your life’s needs.

You do need to be careful in how you push ahead since on average most approaches will slide out of control if you push too hard. If you don’t push at all or shift your lifestyle choices, then the marriage also just decays.

The prefect balance of effort and style of approach varies greatly at this point. You are at the balancing point of change and most methods our society has taught you to handle this situation just pushes everything down hill into the dumps.

Part of the problem is you will be facing your own judgement and also his judgement. If he is in midlife change and you approach him as the person you first married you will lose him since the new person he is becoming will run away from any attempts to reconnect him back to what he was.

If you decide to work with me, I will help teach you how to work around all the land mines up ahead. I don’t know which particular landmines of relationship you face now until I work with you, and the advice changes very dramatic depending on the situation and nuances in play.

Send me an email directly if you want to hire me as teacher in this process.

I think this is among the most vital info for me.

And i am glad reading your article. But want to remark on few general things, The website
style is wonderful, the articles is really nice : D.
Good job, cheers

Hi my question is I’ve been married for 23 years.. My husband says he’s not in love with me any more.. I’m very upset and then find out he’s been with someone else.. Can he be going through a mid life crisis.. Please help I’ve lost my trust with him can I ever be the same.. He’s says it’s over don’t know what to think cb I have no trustable.. What do you suggest.. Heartbroken

@Cindy: Based on the quick few lines of what you wrote, no answer can be accurate enough without more complete overview of all the various details in play. You have moved beyond mid life crisis into mid life choices.

I can say this. Trust is not something that is easily recreated and also it isn’t the marriage that needs to be saved. Rather it’s more a question of if a friendship is still present? The goal isn’t to stay together for the marriage, the goal is living a better life. What do you need to live that better life? Also ask yourself: Are you two people that can create a new relationship? Or are you two people who will only repeat their history. You know your marriage already failed, so history shows the odds are against you if you only do nothing or repeat it. All too many people just choose to repeat history. Re-runs aren’t a good bet.

Ask yourself not what actions you need to do to save the marriage. Ask yourself what actions do you need to do in order to live a better life now.

My husband had mid life affair. We are working through it. Been a year now we are now beginning the stages of moving back in. My question is this. . I have read that some men can go thru a mid life crises more than once… is there a chance he could have another affair ? I’m very scared. Because trust is bring reestablished. I’m opening back up and allowing myself to love him again. And I feel it’s even deeper than before. I’m afraid I will not survive another mid life affair. I fought so hard to hold on through th u s one. It almost destroyed me.

@Ann: Yes it is possible he will have another affair. But on average that will be 6 months or afterwards when things go back to being the same, which often does happen.

True change is harder than people realize.

The deeper and more honest you both are in changing the more likely you can make the distance.

Yet if you push too hard to change, or push too hard in general, or are too fearful of him leaving well those factors can push him away. So its amazingly hard middle path to evolve against.

Each case has its own special degree of what is right in navigating the change process.

I like your article. I have seen a shadow of a woman all my life… her eyes in one woman, her high school face in another young woman… her hair… her voice… all this haunted me all my life… attracted me. I was even attracted to a painting (that I have in my house right now,) that I later found out looked exactly like her. Then, in a parking lot.. I met her. I recognized her immediately but it didn’t hit me until I heard her voice. It was her… an unbelievable ghost who had haunted me all my life. But, she and I are both married. We do love each other, but we both landed inside the lake of time… separated by the deep, deep waters of time. We accept this because we have families to think about. We have the same morals and thoughts about life and can’t hurt anyone else, and we do love our families. We have decided to be life long friends and no more. We have not had sex and plan on not having it. I have no doubt that I have known this woman for millions of years and have fallen in and out of the lake of time with her several times. I have always remembered past lives, and she is a part of them. Such is life… but also, such is love. Love even sacrifices love in order to…. love. The greatest of all Harmony of Opposites is sacrificing love for love. Life is such an interesting, wonderful and sometimes sad thing, but so worthy of living. Yes… having a positive attitude of determined love is the answer. Love always finds a way.

Enjoy the special friendship two people can have.

It’s hard to maintain such friendships in our culture since people are not taught to embrace them. Sadly judgments of partners and others can make this a harder path than it should be but that is the challenge you will face. So release judgment and work hard in protecting the special friendship.

maria mousou
July 26, 2015 4:22 pm

I am 49, so is my husband. Been together since we were 20, studied together and we have a business together We have been married for 25 years. Three children ranging from 23 to 13. Our life had been harmonious, creative (we are both in the creative business and are very artistic), and extremely happy. Not a single cloud in sight. We cooperated in a great way in all fields of life. We were best friends. We had great sex, getting better as years went by. All of our friends considered us the perfect couple.
Two years ago I noticed he was going through a “phase”. He wanted to spend more time in his studio painting, he went for sports excursions alone, and was away for longer periods of time. I never suspected anything, as I trusted him more than myself. Then, a year ago I discovered an e-mail directed to his energy therapy teacher, which talked about a very special relationship he had with a young girl of 23, the age of our son. I confronted him the same night and he said that it was platonic, it had been going on for several months, with them meeting for coffee, and that it had nothing to do with our marriage. He said he felt they had a connection from a previous life. I asked him to stop this secret relationship, since I felt he had emotionally cheated on me. Although he promised, he never stopped, and I discovered things between them had been more serious than described, they had met in our summer house several times, they had exchanged a lot of intimate information and could not stop communicating. I had a nervous breakdown and was crying for the betrayal everyday. He insisted that it had nothing to do with me, that he loved me and could be with me 100%, but then he was thinking of her.
He said she was his twin soul, that he had an unknown mission with her, that he needed to explore what this girl was in his life. I tried to be patient for four months dealing with this, but then, after he stayed out of the house for two nights, I left him and took our younger child with me.
Since ten months life has been extremely challenging for me. Firstly I had to see him every day at the office. Then both of my parents fell gravely ill and had to be operated. My daughter took the separation very badly and suffered from panick attacks, which affected her school performance.
I tried to remain calm and focus on being there for all the people that needed me, but-God-was I suffering.
I tried not to be friends with him. Strictly business I said, but it was hard. I never called or texted him except for business or emergency. Nevertheless, we spent all the special days & holidays together. During this time I saw him approach me several times, almost as if he wanted to get back with me. I never initiated a conversation on the matter.
What hurt me the most is that he never talked to me about his crisis before he started seeing someone else and that he never left me after I discovered what was going on. I had to make all the moves and draw all the limits. He is trying hard to be nice to me. I feel I am stuck in secretly waiting for this affair to end. I have a lot of anger for what I had to go through this last year. There are moments I feel I should divorce him and have nothing to do with him anymore. But in me there is hope that 29 years of a great life are not worth throwing away. I never knew I could be so strong.
What do you think? Is there any advice for the future?
Thank you

My husband shut me out of sex many years ago, then he became ill and I took care of him for 5 years. He is better now but only his energy to work. He shows his love by doing any project I desire and I am very appreciative but I have been a walking dead for too long. At this point, even if he became intimately interested in me, I would turn him down because the years of resentment have done their job. I am flat out not interested, even in my wildest imagination. I have found a lover and am largely guilt free about it. I do have some guilt but not enough to give up this passion and go back to where I was. I know that divorcing him would break his heart, tear apart our extended family, disappoint so many, so I am not making any rash decisions and just being covert for now. I’m sure if he finds out, I will be blamed and shamed by just about everyone. But I stuck by him faithfully for 20 years, did without passion and sex and nursed him back to health. He is seemingly very happy with his life and with me. I have talked to him about my feelings and it is swept under the carpet by him. So, I’m feeling rather righteous and if I do get discovered I am not going to sit down and quietly be shamed. It’s a tough place to be in, but thank God I have love in my life again.

@Elaine: You are not alone, many people have loveless relationships and yet exist in the contradiction that everything else in the relationship is in a decent place.

It’s a hard place to be. It cracks many people and in desperation people often act in a non sustainable manner. Made worse when the partner reacts with judgment which is often the response that starts the downward spiral to destroy the relationship.

To love is to be more: Yet for many people, just having enough… is enough.

So it’s very case by case in how this plays out.

You have chosen love, that doesn’t mean it will be an easy path. In fact love is the harder path over time since it will test you as you strive to improve life and push yourself to be more. It will lead to hard choices and hard lessons. But you are pushing and for you this is the answer you need to do, since it is the spark you need to live against. For others the answer would be to hunker down.

Never judge what a person chooses, rather always support in grace how or they move with the choices. Not an easy thing when often times the choices take us apart or throw us into a difficult situation or to make what feels like an impossible choice.

When you hit an impossible choice: stay in enough or go in love : that is known as a spiritual test. Either answer won’t work fully. So the real answer is in the path ahead by how we support / live out the answer we picked with grace / intention / fullness that makes the answer livable or a disaster in the end.

@Maria: You would have to work with me directly and I would have to tease out a graceful answer for you. Any simple fast answer wouldn’t do justice for how to find the graceful answer. The fast answer of leaving or fighting for your partner would not work here since it wouldn’t have the teachings you would require to back up the answer. The graceful answer requires hard choices and teaching to learn how to grow through the disaster you are within.

You are within a larger life event which requires months of hard work to walk your way through. A simple answer would start a journey, but then you wouldn’t have the tools to complete the journey gracefully.

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