MidLife Crisis FAQ

Answers to common Mid Life Crisis Issues

Please feel welcomed to ask questions regarding midlife Crisis on this page in the comment section below.

Current Life Crisis Questions Answered

What is MLC - Mid Life Crisis?

Mid Life Crisis is a natural part of life. This really is a time when a person gets to change into something they truly want to be in life.

The sad truth is: many people do not know what they want to be or often force themselves to be something different than what their essence calls out for them to be.

Mid Life Transformation is a normal part of life. As a natural part of life it takes several years for it to fully complete. It’s a choice on how to grow and become more. The process doesn’t have to be a crisis but many people do make it a crisis: by forcing it or rushing into it all too fast.

From all the stories from what people do, it may seem to be an experience to avoid… but avoiding your own nature will actually promote a deeper crisis later.

What is it? It’s a time when your body, mind and spirit are all are trying to mature into a strong integrated independent person. If you approach this time without judgement, with patience, practicing awareness and taking time to grow… to your heart: it can be the most wonderful time in a person’s life also.

However, the experience is never easy.
It’s a challenging time, but well worth investing yourself into,
since the return is : being yourself more truly.

How do I get my partner to change with me?

Here is a conversation I am re-sharing here, to help others. This is a very common conversation.

What happens when you are shifting and your “till death do you part”-Partner is just stuck and hardening?

Case by case really. There isn’t a “right” path here. Generally speaking you work towards graceful answers that embrace kindness. Kindness is to be in your essence and this means balancing out your actions relative to your essence accordingly. Kindness isn’t to be nice, at times it might align up that way… but to be in your essence usually leads to traveling some hard and twisted roads in the attempt to balance everything out.

They are just grumpy and have a way of making me feel guilty alot of the time.

They are using judgement to force you to their path and not have you continue down your own path. In the end this only leads to conflict and crisis.

But they are my sidekick, we’ve created this life together, kids, lifestyle, everything.

What you were and what you might be.. can be two vastly different things.

When you are of two minds: the old you and new you.. which essence wins out and at what cost?
Your partner wants the old you, that’s who they married, and you are growing into a new you. Because of the shifting personalities this quickly becomes case by case to fit the circumstances of the various personalities involved in the transformation.

I have a way of feeling guilty for my own change, since they are still in most ways who they were when first married. They know me like nobody else does, and it feels good when I see that, but then they don’t really try to know my true soul or where it may be roaming.

They know the old you like no one else.. They are clueless about the new you and in fact any revealing of the new you would probably cause conflict in the relationship due to their judgement of what you should be got set when you first got married. So for you to grow into something new, you will only invoke judgement from them in trying to grow into someone new.

For you not to grow into something new, means you will die a spiritual death. And a spiritual death translates into a person wasting away in a slow and painful physical death later… I had this happen to me, it’s a very painful process and one I don’t recommend other people following.

I’m afraid that if I don’t find a way to bring our hearts really together, they will keep pulling apart. I really wish that I could share my change with them the most.

This journey can only be shared, if they also open up to their own transformation journey. The harder truth is you are the last person in the world who can help them in that journey.. almost all attempts to help them along will only hasten judgement, then conflict and then finally crisis.

Any advice you may have to share on the situation is much appreciated.

At this stage I normally arrange personal phone sessions to help a person along to fine tune the process to their unique situation. A few teaching sessions are best to help give a person the tools they need to move ahead.

The choices ahead are many, with many of the paths ahead are ones you fear taking. Doing nothing will ensure crisis… Continuing to only move ahead on your own also normally breaks the marriage due to the increasingly harsh judgement statements and arising conflicts from the changes in lifestyles. Worse you can’t help them move ahead.. because that isn’t your choice at all: it’s their choice. Any tinkering upon their soul from you will just backfire (the reasons for this are material for a different post) unless timed perfectly with the natural changing points in their life…

So you are stuck in the middle of a no solution situation which means most people just do nothing… and doing nothing just ensure it all breaks apart…

Here is the basic answer:

Live your life, go out practice new hobbies, play, explore life… continue to get in shape, live better. Don’t worry what might happen.. Instead do something: improve and live your own life and do so a day at a time. In this manner you will evolve within your own solution.

Just because right now there are no solutions doesn’t mean you won’t walk and grow your way into a solution and better life later.

Mid Life Transformation is a patient process, one that you have shift around constantly as you each change and then with the changes you both refine your steps and grow.

This isn’t easy, which is why a guide like myself makes a huge difference.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful advice. I’ve been searching for an answer to fix everything right now, but you’ve helped me realize that because there may not be a solution now, well then why worry about what might happen later on, right? You’ve brought me a sense of calm and inspiration in your following words.

The only true answer is not to do nothing but always to try and live a better life embracing kindness one day at a time, right! This is so simple, yet so far from how the old me would have to try to fix things now! Most times creating a train wreck as a result because I tried to make a decision when I didn’t truly know the right solution at the time. When I look back on past decisions the ones that always seemed to turn out best were the ones that played out over time not the ones forced before I could fall asleep at night.

I guess I will just try to have faith

You are welcomed, and always remember you are not alone. You can continue to ask and work with me to get some guidance along the way. As you have seen sometimes an outside view is what it takes again to see your own heart fully again.

Sincerely and best wishes

To everyone reading this please note:

The right answer isn’t to do nothing! The right answer is to live your life! This will mean for some people to leave their partner while for others to stay and work harder. No one single answer fits all cases, rather by living your life, you discover your own answer, together we discover thousands of different answers, 1 answer per person in fact! When I work with a person it is always case by case to find the answer that best fits their life with kindness.

Don’t try to find the answer you expect. Work to live the answer that fits with who you are and let yourself change one day at a time until you find what fits your life.

How do people Fall apart in Midlife Crisis?

Here is a very quick & simplified overview of the process many people go thru to hitting bottom by allowing crisis to be their path.

Hitting bottom in Midlife crisis typically occurs in 3 steps. For many this occurs over a 2 to 4 year time frame to truly hit bottom. The real issue is that people often have more to release than they realize. Some people can actually linger an entire lifetime in this process, especially when they refuse to let go of the various issues that hamper the truer growth process they are within. This is why getting help can be so important, since an outside perspective is often the easiest way to remove your own self imposed bottlenecks for growth.

The basic steps of falling apart

Step1) Since you don’t fit in anymore. This feels like a smack down from the outside world… This is also the most painful part since this process often strips away most everything you used to value. The harder you hold on to attachments, the more painful the process a person goes through in release. This can get so extreme that a person can actually feel agitated to the point that their own body doesn’t seem to fit themselves anymore.

This is letting go of the past.

Some people never let go of the past, defining themselves purely to past events.

Step 2) You finally figure out whats happened (so you think). You release in a series of steps to simplify your life, each letting go gives a momentary sensation that you finally found your answer. But then a person falls back to depression within a few months after realizing that the same old feelings are coming back.

This really means most people misjudge when they hit bottom since three stages usually exist to this step…

* Letting go of your personal issues.
* Letting go of expectations of who you are.
* Letting go of the future:
stopping to think that the future defines you by you defining the future. (confused yet?)

Many people cling to their issues to give themselves form and shape. They cling to defining themselves now by thinking they know how their future looks. Often by mimicking others who seem to have it right. This is a trap however, you can never truly define yourself by another person’s example of how you might be.

Step 3) You let go of letting go.

This is releasing into the moment. Moving with your life rather than against it.

Step 3 is the hardest to do. It’s the point you can laugh at yourself honestly, you smile at your mistakes… this is the starting point of letting go of ego to move deeper in Taoist practices.

This bottoming is the starting point for acceptance of who you are. Learn to let your form / shape freely flow with life. Don’t project out false images of your nature to be.

Hitting Bottom, Yourself and Community

Society and family teach us how to move towards their image of what we should be. It then takes time to relearn how to be ourselves, from our own center.

This is part of the balance between learning to live within community / and living to your own needs.

The process of bottoming out is often a reflection of the balance between community / your own self image being out of sync.

Power and money

We base so much of our self worth on our projected power or how much money is made (money being a form of power)

The trouble is 99% of people truly only have a very small buffer of savings or cash flow. This means being on a thin edge away from a mistake or job loss to accelerate the process of falling down. Even worse a person often hangs on to a bad job because they fear the consequences of falling down so much. This can tear a person apart very quickly.

At most, the average person is only a 2 to 4 paychecks away from losing their self worth, from events out of their control, because they place control of their life outside of their own self worth.

That’s why Step One can be so long and hard of a process. It takes a while to resettle in to a new framework of reference to value one self.

In Taoism we teach the truth about acceptance and how you don’t base you worth upon outside measures such as wealth or social pressures. But for many people when they lose their outside measuring stick, it takes years to re-learn a new system of faith to help oneself grow again.

Getting Help

As a teacher this is one of the many ways I help people re-sync, not in terms of outside measures, but within the power of being yourself. This is why as a counselor in mid life crisis I can be so effective. I help a person reduce the time spent in steps 1 and 2 and to assist a person manage their process so as they release, they release in a kind manner. This means helping a person sort out what has true value to their heart.

How can I help others?

You would be surprised, but many people in midlife crisis often get a strong desire to become healers, to aid others and help people who are down in their luck. It is great to help others and to be kind in this process.

But here is the secret that must be embraced:

No matter how many other people you are kind to, no matter how many people you might save or help discover “harmony” you will never discover balance, never resolve out your midlife transformation

Until you balance it out by being kind to yourself in even terms.

The problem is that: A consumer lifestyle actually lends itself to the consumption of change. That in healing others, it becomes a personal chase of new life within the consumption of helping other people’s life. The danger being… consuming other people’s lives , other people’s changes… Generally leads to more consumption and ultimately dissatisfaction. This style of life isn’t a final answer, instead it’s merely a distraction to living as oneself. You become a healer because it is who you are, not because you are seeking change within your own life. This is the same problem of those who get addicted to trying to convert other people to their religion. Many people in midlife crisis also get addicted to trying to convert other people to their solutions… but that ends up being an empty solution of consumption, that always leaves the seeker hungry for more. The process is one of balance , not consumption. A fine difference and one very hard for people to sort out initially in their mid life crisis process.

So to seekers in transformation I also make sure they discover this before they go out to help others. A simple truth of balance:

You must also be kind to yourself.

How do I find beauty again?

At the moment you are Overwhelmed .

Beauty is present,

But first you have to learn to re-accept yourself and grow again. There is an inner child within your soul wanting to wake up, but your adult half is rushing about and not giving your newer self a chance to become real.

This isn’t easy because you have been taught to only see yourself as a single person, as a result you are experiencing inner conflict, and it’s decimating your soul: that’s the depression you feel. Worse modern culture on purpose suppresses people in mid life crisis, to prevent them from causing trouble. As a result you are stuck in predictable patterns. Worse trapped in trying to keep the past obligations alive are draining, meaning you can’t move and that reinforces the depression. You are being forced to witness parts of your old life you don’t like. Ironically you are in the midst of modern culture that is now experiencing Social Crisis that is mimicking Mid life crisis. This is further reinforcing these mid life crisis feelings to be worse today more than ever.

Be patient and take time to explore and grow. Patience with yourself is one of the hardest parts of this process, because this transformation doesn’t happen over night. It takes two years or more years to work thru, explore, play, make life changes, shift attitudes and perceptions… in order to truly grow into a new person.

I wrote A Personal Tao just after I went thru my mid life crisis and parts of it will resonant with you and begin giving you some hints how to move ahead.

I am married, but should I reconnect to a person who found me again?

This is a common question, a common test, a common situation where the past comes back to now. This might be a test. It might be a chance to repair something broken. It might be the situation to break apart your life now. So many possibilities: some good and some bad.

So ask yourself:

  • Do you wish to reconnect to this person? Wishes are fantasy and never enough of a reason to lose oneself to.
  • Do you yearn to reconnect to this person? Then there might be lessons to learn, but consider the costs to your current life. Reconnect only if you need to use this as the crowbar to change your life now OR explore this when it’s possible to have a new friendship without judgement with this person. (For example cleanly separate from your marriage, first, if you are in a bad marriage). Most people cannot reconnect to their past without judgement. So great care must be used otherwise old judgements will shatter and create new problems to work upon.
  • Do you want to leave the past behind you? Then tell him to leave the past as the past, or discover what it is to be truly alone by only living in the past…

People at midlife crisis often look to the past for answers, they often look to try to correct mistakes they made, not understanding you must leave the past mistakes “as is” to learn from, and then change how you live now with new people and relationships. In fact these past lessons improve our current relationships when embracing the lessons and changing for the better.

Chances are a friend from the past is trying to redefine themselves, thinking idealistically to the past, because you touched their heart deeply. They often are trying to reconnect to the heart. Not understanding that memories are merely stories that should guide a person to a future and not back down the trap of trying to repair a past misstep that cannot be retraced to repeat in the future. We all must move ahead in life… not behind.

Here is one possible answer you can use:

Thank you for reminding me of fond memories of what I once was, I am now a person far different than you can dream of me. I am not this person you dream of. Neither the person you should reconnect with. I wish you great joy in finding new life, but every-time you think of reconnecting with me, is one step you are taking away from your own future and life to be. I cannot reconnect with you simply because I have moved on to places new and with joy. Re-entering my life now would disrupt my life in ways I know and accept are not for me. Accept It’s time for you to do the same. If you cannot accept this request allowing me space to live my live as is now, will only confirm I am correct within my misgivings about reconnecting with you now. In time, I might be open to reconnect, but here and now, isn’t that time for me. Respect that now or in the future lose me as a friend… leaving you only memories of the past that fade as flowers once picked and then thrown upon gravestones of those past gone.

Of course change, modify or write something totally different. In the end always use your own words from your heart and be true to your heart.

Just because 9 times out of 10 you should not revisit the past: Still means 1 time out of 10 a person will find something precious from the past to re-liven their life now. In the end, the only right answer, is the one you make work and your own.

MLC Sucks Big Time. How do I turn it all around?

The big problem in mid life crisis: is exactly that, letting it become a crisis which creates extreme situations. For many people the end result of crisis leads to MLC sucking big time.

Changes in Mid life do not need to be approached as if it were a crisis.

The solution is to follow and work to your essence, but in a way that works with balance and steps with those around you also.

This is always case by case and takes many smaller steps. The bigger the steps a person tries to make, the more disruptions that get created and need to get sorted out later.

Crisis forces the hands of many people and what they think is the path of their heart, is really a crisis that is forcing them into very predictable patterns which ironically come from our culture.

If people were taught how to work in change before crisis were to happen, then the story of MLC “sucking” would be much less common. And yet 90% of people come to people like myself who can make a difference, only after the crisis has broken.

Don’t judge anyone else involved within this period of crisis: judge a culture that forces people into crisis as their solution and begin to change how you live to help others learn and find more graceful solutions. Realize you have been taught the wrong tools to help you change at this point of life. It’s time to change up the tools and style by which the whole process is approached through.

Even after a horrific experience, it is possible to make changes in your own life to improve and grow from the hard experiences. We never ask for this or wish others to experience this: but when it does happen use the experience to grow and with empathy help others in slow steps find deeper / truer answers.

I have seen people take over a decade to recover from extreme actions from mid life crisis. It’s even common to see people recovering from extreme actions from several generations before, that have rippled down from parent to child.

It’s important not to repress what has happened but learn, grow and release, in order to minimize the issues and not push our own issues down for our children or grandchildren to relive for us.

Patience in your own path. Literally take time to heal your heart to find a new pace for life. It will become better provided you choose to live fully to what you can be. Not limited by the pain of the past. taking time to grow from our lessons to always become more. (Easy to say.. but always damn hard to do… this challenge when done well: becomes a graceful life)

You still have many years to live and experience in your life: so take up this challenge, make the next part of your life graceful.

It’s still an option and choice you have.

But you have to choose to make it so. Step by hard step by step so.

Don’t let the hard step part fool you into thinking it isn’t possible. Having helped so many others, I know for a fact it is possible, merely very hard.

Hard doesn’t mean “Impossible”

Hard only becomes “Impossible” when you limit it by judgement…

How do I counter always feeling drained?

In Midlife Transformation, exercise is a very important part of the growth. There is quite a bit going on with your body and mind. Exercise helps it all come together.

I highly recommend finding a Qi Gong (Chinese Yoga) teacher or DVD. Qi Gong is a excellent exercise set to help people re-balance their energy and is an extremely powerful exercise set to help resolve depression. Even when having physical issues, Qi Gong is also very gentle to the body (more so than Indian Yoga) and it will help you re balance your body in terms of the physical issues you have had to work with. Qi-Gong has been shown to help reduce pain and also improve flexibility, while also balancing out body chemistry

Qi Gong also has visualization exercises to help keep the mind fresh and exploring even if your motion and resources are limiting you form going else where.

In addition: make your life about now. It’s time to begin learning something unexpected, something undefined, something with the greatest potential of all: Your own life on your own terms!

If you are feeling drained or in depression, it means that your current actions are working against you still. So it’s going to take a little time to re-shift those actions into new ones. For the next few months work at this a day at a time, go out do some physical activities again, be aware… begin extending yourself… in simple ways at first.

Initially, don’t think about what is ahead, just live your life actively, one day at a time and begin poking about with ideas and smaller experiments to test the waters for various ideas as they come to mind.

How do I work with feeling stuck at my job?

It’s a very common situation in mid life crisis to feel trapped in a job. Of course you don’t have to be in mid life crisis to feel trapped in a job either. Finding a job that fits one’s soul isn’t easy especially since most people only work to make money rather than trying to work in harmony to their essence. (The two are not exclusive.)

I teach techniques to help people in transformation learn within their current job how to change their lifestyle. In your current job situation there are lessons to learn , which if learned makes it more possible to :

  1. Extend how long you are at the current job without driving yourself insane
  2. Learn the lessons needed so you don’t repeat the mistakes of this job within your next job.
  3. Begin retraining yourself while in the current job to begin creating the next job that does fit to your essence.

It’s possible to turn the work into a monastic experience

I wrote a little about my person experience of working at a soul grinding job in the Personal Tao book. This will help give you a new perspective.

Use your current job as much as possible to work upon your personal issues in a way, that when you leave, your next job will be more successful.

Why am I not moving ahead with counseling?

Counseling has its place and time in helping a person heal. Yet a person can go into counseling for years and not get help in their mid life transformation. Sometimes we don’t need counseling, rather we need a teacher.

What I write here is a starter kit. People then often come to me and I help them not as a counselor, but as a teacher. The thing is, it does take a special type of teacher to help a person thru this stage: the process mixes in teaching, a touch of counseling, removing judgement, wisdom and intuition to work thru.

I happen to make my living teaching people how to transform gracefully and with kindness. But many paths for transformation exists. Many teachers exists also, your teacher could be a river or the ocean or the city in its bustle. Not all teachers are human.

It isn’t as easy as finding a self help cookbook where you find a recipe to figure out what type of person you are baking yourself to become… It’s a serious reinvention of one’s life and heart to finally transform into what a person dreams to be (and not daydreams in their mind) but in their heart.

The material here is a starting place. Many people come to me as a teacher for the next step. Also many people after reading this material, discover the power of being free in their choices. Since now they realize this is a natural process and so then a person often starts exploring their life on their own.

Remember no “right” choices… “Right” choices are just judgment calls that limit your options. This is simply about how you decide to best move ahead with your life.

Some people come to me as a teacher, some go and play, some go and write, some go and hide, some go and… The choices are unlimited now.

Release judgement and decide what feels best for your heart for your path.

How long does a mid life crisis take?

The more a person resists a midlife transformation: the longer it takes.

The fastest it evolves is 2 years with expert guidance as I provide. Otherwise, it tends to process over 5-6 years in 1-3 year cycles with each cycle being a new fad. Each fad representing the greatest new thing to overcome and make your own. Lots of crashing and burning and changes etc.

Then typically if a person doesn’t change after 6 years they become a slightly sadder version of their old self again.

Of course many variations to this exist. Sometimes people settle back down after only 3-4 years of shifting on their own. It really depends on if a person finds something that matches their heart and how the new people in their life help them grow.

Don’t worry about the time and start living your life now.

Understand: this process is, one day at a time, becoming one week, then one year, then beyond it merges together as your lifetime.

No right way, nor perfect paths. Yes some paths are quicker than others to avoid near disasters, some paths slower in order to lead you to greater heights of accomplishment. Generally speaking the faster you force the process, the more painful it becomes. The slower you make it to avoid pain, the bigger problems you stir up that need to get addressed. So many possible paths where time isn’t a good indicator on which path you should take. The problem is we think in terms of months what should take years. Then factor in that our actions happen in increments of days and it’s very hard to see how those days add up to those years we need to mature within.

What qualifies a path as good or bad: ends up being a path that you embrace in such a way, that it truly lets you live in a manner you actually can be proud to embrace as your own. The only way time factors in is: knowing our human nature requires at least two years to truly make the change deep and complete enough to make our own.

What should I say to someone I think might be in Midlife Crisis?

Typically it’s best not to say anything.

It’s best to help the person by not judging them and rather being open to new ideas and how to move in life. To play is the best path to explore one’s way out of a mid life crisis.

The only problem is often time play takes a person places judged not appropriate by others. The path is a delicate one and always case by case on how to best help a person grow. No general answers work safely for such a life path which is dynamic and bound to ruffle other people’s judgements of life.

Beware the minefield of judgement at this juncture it is assured to create conflict.

If that person is showing feelings for you then that changes how to approach everything. Since then in kindness you have to balance out your own life relative to theirs. Finding the path that navigates by kindness and using as much grace as can be found in a situation that has no right answers. That’s a trick in itself isn’t it? Understand every answer will have problems to overcome and learn from. So the trick is not trying to do the right thing (which is impossible), the trick is deciding the path that matches to your essence the best and then learning from the mistakes that will occur along the way to best move things along.

Also if you don’t want to deal with another person’s mid life crisis or if it makes you uncomfortable: another option is to walk away from it. Sometimes giving a person space is a gift in itself.

My marriage is on a thread, how do I handle the midlife crisis?

If your marriage is on a thread, then a thread is a very fragile thing indeed. Don’t put pressure on the marriage, since then it will break. Rather, focus on yourself first, focus on what you need to do to be strong and make your own personal development move ahead.

Then secondly, focus on your friendship with your partner and seeing what can be done that gives you each freedom enough to begin changing in your life, so that thread can begin to reweave into something stronger.

Part 1) My partner ran away with a 20 year old! What do I do now? How do I help them?

Since your partner is running off to start a new life, their situation has reflected into your life and now you are in Crisis. They have run away and made a choice, you have to deal with the repercussions not in their life, but in your own life! You are actually trying to find your own answers, but you are doing this indirectly thru trying to help your partner. Know this: attempting to help them, unless they are asking you for help, will create more conflict.

It doesn’t make a difference if they ran away with a 20 year old, a 60 year old or a baboon. It doesn’t make a difference if they are acting immature or mature. The simple fact is they left and are making their own choices. You most likely will not agree with those choices, but you are not them.

You cannot live life for your partner. You can only control and live your own life!

So release the judgements since it doesn’t do you any good, in fact all judgements (good and bad) will only limit your own options in how you can move ahead.

It’s time to take control of your own life and release them. Until you release them, they will only drag you thru the jungle and hell and then back again to repeat it all while chasing girls, baboons, booze or any thing else that catches their attention.

So understand: the time is now to sort out your own personal options. To do your best to look for ways to begin moving out of the mess that has evolved over many years. The answer ahead of you will take time, patience and the willingness to work on your own personal choices ahead of you. The longer /harder you try to help your former partner, the deeper and messier the problems you will be dragged thru which then only creates more problems in your own life to resolve.

Time to live your life. The only question is what path do you want to take?

My opinion is the path where you walk with your own feet and you control your own destiny to make a better life is the more graceful path. Most people choose to be dragged all over hell and creation. Leaving healers like myself tonnes of clean up work for later. You are already discovering this isn’t much fun. Keep in mind, they can always catch up to you if they decide later the jungle wasn’t the life for them.

Part 2) But what about the children?

Your partner is gone and if they come back as a true parent to your children is not predictable.

This isn’t about right or wrong, justice ,morality or what happened in the past any more. This isn’t about marriage anymore or even if he/she is a father/mother: by the very choices they made. This is all about how you handle and make your life better. Do what you need to do to grow, survive and help your children grow. It’s not your job/role to be the opposite role model either. Its your job to be who you are for the children. The more you look at your partner’s poor choices as the source of the problems, even if true, the more you limit your own future and harm your children into repeating the same mistakes made in this relationship.

Teach your children by how you handle this. Is this easy. No, and there aren’t simple answers that will make this easy for you.

I can’t give you magical answers, no one can. This is something you have to build and grow from your own heart. Even if your heart feels empty, as if you have nothing. that isn’t true, you are alive , the heart beats and you can step ahead, one action at a time.

I will say it over and over again because this is a key part of the process: stepping ahead one small step at a time. Doing your best to make it your life and a life worth living: so your children learn by your own example how to live a full life. Never base your life on another person especially one in crisis, otherwise you are defined by crisis for your’s and your children’s future. Never move with hate, scorn, force or judgement in your actions or words, otherwise that is how the children learn to live their own life by example.

Be strong and find your grace: it’s the only choice that works. And this approach is not dependent on your ex partner.

Part 3) But how do I keep my marriage going even now?

Never blame mid life crisis for the break up of a marriage. Some marriages just are not meant to be long lasting. Most marriages that break up during a mid life crisis, are really due to other problems or internal differences that slowly accumulated and were ignored over the years.

Love isn’t enough on its own to keep a marriage strong or to repair a marriage that has gone beyond a certain point of pain or broken.

Marriage requires commitment and patience to work along side of love to be complete. Marriage requires two people to complete, no matter how hard one person hangs on to prove otherwise. Your partner is no longer your partner spirituality but only a partner based upon a single piece of legal paper. A legal claim will not keep love alive nor prevent another from hurting themselves.

The choices you now make must be your own and cannot come from another person or stranger. The choice is yours on how this now plays out, strive for grace rather than locking down into judgement in how things should be held. You can still love a person even if you release them from the marriage. Sometimes the deepest love is to release a person.

Yes people tend to do stupid things in crisis and mid life crisis is no exception for this truth. However, almost every broken marriage I have seen from mid life crisis is due to other slowly accumulated issues or not knowing the deeper aspects of your partner.

Be strong and don’t let another person drag you thru their problems: to create deeper issues for you to grow out from.

There is a limit to how much a person can help another. Learning that balance between commitment and allowing a person to be free, to releasing them to find their own path is one of the most difficult challenges in a mid life crisis between partners.

Don’t blame yourself or midlife crisis as a problem. If you do this, you will only get stuck looking at your past and never move ahead to live free. Move ahead in your life and grow.

I have helped repair and fix many marriages that people thought were broken by mid life crisis. The truth is you help and teach each person to grow into the true person they yearn to be. This process often requires release in order to give space for each person to grow first.

Is it normal for a midlife crisis to feel like a nervous breakdown?

It’s not that it is normal, rather, you are reaching a point where everything is close to breaking down. Once crisis reaches breakdown, especially nervous breakdown (which does happen) then it does take much longer to heal and recover.

People in midlife crisis can have a nervous breakdown. If you feel like this now, it isn’t unreasonable to seek some help, if even to talk to someone to help you sort out options. Take the feeling as a warning sign to take better care of yourself.

The problem is that people can resist their change so much, that at times they break their own spirit and life in the attempt to not change. IN kindness, it’s important to work with your inner change rather than resist it.

Don’t wait for a breakdown to be your answer. Work to change. This is your life and breaking down isn’t a good answer to make your own.

Am I Crazy?

Yes mid life crisis can feel crazy. Yet: it’s about becoming sane for the first time in many years, the sanity of living your own life, upon your own terms.

In kindness we balance out the overall process and it’s balancing out kindness which is the hardest part of all in this process of change. Since so many people can try to force you to match to their needs or ideals of behavior.

Even worse everyone’s definition of what it is to be kind can be at odds with each other, so listening to your own heart as the tie breaker is also often a heart breaker for those around you. Sadly, people add in judgement and the delicate time of becoming yourself then often becomes one of conflict and that messes it all up for everyone. Then you will feel crazy since nothing makes sense anymore, because none of your old reference points seem to work anymore.

So no you are not crazy, but because you are changing: everyone, including yourself, might judge you that way… Sadly, once judged, it’s hard to remove that label that just got super glued to your forehead.

How do I minimize confrontation and be patient?

Understand that just because confrontation will make things worse, doesn’t automatically mean being non confrontational is the answer either! Non confrontational is not what your partner is asking for, Nor will a non-confrontation work consistently as an answer.

Your partner is asking for release. Release is a very active process it turns out. Until you release, you will be stuck with conflict in your own heart. Until you release: confrontation will be how they will reply to a “surface level Non confrontational” approach. Look carefully at your words and search in your heart if you are still confronting your partner with judgment. Until you release judgement, you are guilty of causing problems in the mid life crisis also.

It also means acting when required, with patience, allowing yourself to change, and working with those you love in a way they too can adjust to the new balances that are evolving.

How should I approach MLC : Mid Life Crisis?

No absolutely right approach exists.

You have lived for over 35 years now: you have made mistakes, you have learned many lessons, you have experienced many deep events. Mid Life transformation is a chance to review your life, pause for a moment and then integrate the lessons you have experienced to date.

Some paths are more graceful than others, some paths lead to greater heights to view more of what is around us, and some paths are more painful, some paths lead to deeper holes where we witness deeper pains… so many possible paths.

  1. Patience…
    So it all does come together. You cannot rush this process, real physical and psychological changes are happening. It takes the body and mind two years at least to sort out these changes. Be patient with yourself.
  2. Exercise…
    Exercise helps it all come together a little better.
  3. Awareness…
    Be aware, take time to understand how you are connected to everything around you.
  4. Non Judgement…
    Release measurements that have limited your life.
  5. Get help…
    Finding a guide like myself who has been through the process. This can be very helpful to avoid the common mistakes and traps that people follow at this stage of life. You can read all the material you like, but the process is very gritty and dynamic. Having a trusted teacher to ask advice from is an invaluable resource at this time.
  6. Play…
    Take the time to do new things and grow!
  7. Make it your Own…
    This is all about coming into your own essence, so take time to make it your own.
  8. Be Kind…
    You are not alone, treat others around you with respect and kindness as you move, so they in return will return that respect and kindness.


Take the time to live your life. This is what Mid Life transformation is truly all about.

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35 Comments. Leave new

Kathryn Hall Allahyar
September 16, 2014 2:41 am

Our 48 year-old son just advised us that he is leaving his wife of 15 years and their 2 sons. I am devastated regarding the effect this will have on my grandsons. What can we say/do? He is very loyal to his (even high-school) friends, but doesn’t seem to care about what happens to his kids or wife.

@Karen: Since he has remarried, he is effectively gone now forever. Don’t try to bring back someone who had gone beyond your reach.

@Kathryn: Keep what you say down to simple things. Be as non judgmental as possible and don’t try to help or force your son to do what you feel is “right” since any such attempts will only make things worse.

Be patient for the distance and only try to assist in simple ways in the present. Be there for the grandchildren in a non judgmental manner provided the wife or your son give you the space to be with them.

If you try to force anything it will spin around badly. This is your Son’s and ex-wife’s challenge don’t get in the middle of it.

My partner of eleven years ran out my door without saying goodbye to me or the kids. He is the love of my life and has never let me down. He said he loves me but is not in live with me and could not see a future. He needed a break. I failed to give him a break as I was so devastated I couldn’t eat for weeks lost two stone and up the night so I kept searching for the answers. He just closed me down like shutting the lid of a chocolate box. Now I see he was depressed and angry with the job , his college course our house and I failed to help. I have now after two months just learned of a mid life crisis and I have phoned him to say I understand what he is going through , and I am letting him go to find what makes him truly happy inside but when he comes down that path in probably three years I will be standing there because I truly love him. He told me after he wept after this phone call. Still makes no difference he is gone. I don’t know what to do now. I am having visions of young girls in bed with him as he doesn’t even see me no matter what I am wearing or what perfume I spray. I am in hell. please advise as I am hanging by a tread. I am extremely strong minded and have been through huge challenges in life but this is taking me to the floor. Can a man who has been maybe with others ever be in love with you again or am I wasting my time.

@Louise: It really is case by case.

If you try to force it to be a single answer then you force the answer to be he is gone.

But if one is careful often times there can be additional options that lead to better answers for everyone involved. But these options require patience and a willingness to evolve into a totally new situation.

Many people in judgement get stuck holding only single answers. When that is the case, i.e. either person gets stuck in their judgements, you have to treat the situation as having only one option, not waste your time and move on.

I have been trying to figure out what is going on with my mother and her sudden change in life. A year after my father passed away she turned into a drinker , late partying, never coming home, hostile towards me. Now I think I have found the reason why. I was always confronting her what is wrong with her and getting upset with her basically acting like the parent. Now all I can do is wait for her to come back I suppose. I guess my initial question is: is a midlife crisis usually happen after one spouse has passed away? They were married for about (32) years, he was sick for about 12 or so and she did have to care for him the last year. I’m at a wits end trying to find the patience for her and this change in her life.

@Jessica: Midlife can be triggered by all sorts of things. Mid Life Crisis isn’t really triggered, rather it gets focused into happening.

Imagine a log, a log just doesn’t start on fire. Mid life crisis is the log on fire. Usually multiple things are going on to focus the energy in burning one’s life rather than building it into something new (as in transformation)

If you can give your mother lots and lots of space so you don’t get burned by her fire. If you can’t then contact me and as a teacher will help you develop options that work best for your situation.

My long term partner of 21 years has been having a long term affair. We have recently split. He says he loves her but is confused as he still loves me too and is trying to work this out. He is now taking a break from his other relationship. It seems like he is in mid life transformation. I’m unsure whether to trust that we can work this out or whether to stop contact and just allow us both to move on.

@Sharon: Unless I work with you directly for a hour to understand all the aspects in play I cannot answer you. Trying and moving are both valid answers. The answer doesn’t depend on history, it depends on chemistry, the flow of each person, the needs, the judgements in play. It depends on what you each want, at a physical, mental and spiritual level. Its means you are each divided within yourselves of what you want and relative to each other to what is needed.

You are at a deep important pivot point of your life and the choice is complicated. If all it takes is for my answer here to sway you one way or the other then your relationship is far more fragile than is worth saving. So the safe bet would be to move on. But if this response makes you dig your heels in, want to save your relationship even more then perhaps you have what it takes to make the distance of a very hard path ahead.

In the end, this is a choice that shapes the rest of your life. So in the end it has to be a choice you can live with. If you average out the odds, the logical bet is to leave, and emotional the bet is to double down and risk it all to stay…

It’s up to you to back up your choice and stay true to yourself.

My husband asked for a divorce after 31 years stating I caused him stress, we had several things happen in the last few years, both my parents dying, our dog of 13 years dying,my husband long his job, our oldest child telling us out she is gay,his truck getting stolen,our washing machine leaking and causing thousands of dollars in damage, he moved in with my brother and sister in law for 9 months, and now lives in his own home, he is not dating, I’m devastated and don’t know if I should hold on to the hope that we could get back together?

@Angie: Challenges of life tend to clump together. During such times it is best to slow down, take better care of oneself and sort things out with patience. Easier said than done unfortunately.

If your partner has truly left, then don’t drag your own life behind waiting for him. That only creates more challenges in your life.

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