Midlife surprisingly often stirs up the question: Who is my soulmate?
To explore the ideals a soulmate represents this article examines four relationship perspectives.
- Helping people understand the styles of relationship to help improve relationships.
- Helping a person in Midlife Crisis understand how they are shifting in relationships
- Teach people about how to find a Soulmate and Soul Companion
- Help partners of those in midlife come to terms with a new perspective of relationship.
I help people sort out relationships. The common trap I find people within is forcing their relationship. A person can force a relationship in many different manners. This article also looks at how people force a relationship to fit into a limited number of categories. Forcing a relationship to meet an ideal can blind a person from seeing what they need in their actual relationship or that a current relationship is shifting.
The Nature of Relationships and Soulmates
Mid life crisis changes a person’s life in many profound manners. One unexpected change is often in relationship chemistry and how we spend our time with others. Additionally a person in mid life crisis will often revisit old friendships to close unresolved questions and seek new friends to open new perspectives. As the crisis changes a person, it also changes who matches to their newer life needs.
What happens when a person literally changes enough to seemingly shift their soul? Understand the degree of change a person experiences in mid life transformation varies from small to huge. However, when transformation has been forced into crisis, then it represents huge change that can shift apart the deepest of partners.
This article focuses only on the relationship definitions that are most critical when trying to resolve a Mid Life Crisis. The expanded list for all the variations of relations is found here: About Relationships.
Finding Your SoulMate Video
SoulMate & Soul Companion
We have the words for “soulmate” and “friend” in Western culture. But we don’t have many good words for any special person who falls in between friend and SoulMate. I have added two categories: True Friend and Soul Companion. “Soul Companion” is a new term all together.
Lets look a little deeper on what it means to be a SoulMate compared to being a Soul Companion.
Understanding the Nature of Relationship
People love to say that a soulmate is what they strive to find as a partner. Yet for all the talk about soulmates, do people really understand or know how to spot soulmates? Ironically not. We are feeling beings and our feelings/emotions do actually trick us at times. When we first meet a person who has a powerful connection, our emotions tend to bind very deeply and also initially blind us a bit. Yes soulmates do exist, but the need to find a committed partner (our species does want to continue with children) causes our body to use some biological tricks on the mind to bind some relationships to feel deeper than they might really be.
In Midlife transformation people shift their focus on how they look for partners. If when younger a person looks hard or tried to reinforce a soulmate level of connection, then ironically during mid life transformation a person flips around and instead begins to look more at themselves rather trying to find a strong bond of a soulmate. If a person when younger doesn’t feel they had a soulmate, then ironically during midlife transformation looking for soulmates will all of the sudden take a new importance. So several very different patterns come out of Midlife Crisis in how people hold and look for partners.
Lets start by reviewing the basic relationships most people experience in life. The first trap is to only limit relationships down to: Friend, Partner and “Other”. This really doesn’t help much because it forces people into categories that are not expansive enough. Let expand this out.
Types of Relationship
Acquaintance:. A person you know and interact with. Many people we consider as friends are really acquaintances. Generally speaking respect acquaintances, give space as required and learn not to take seriously any judgments they may pass your way.
Generally speaking in midlife crisis many people who were held as friends will be dropped down into the acquaintance category. Typically this creates lots of conflict between old friends now distanced by the mid life crisis.
A Friend: A person you enjoy spending extra time with. In this friendships are measured by the time & activities you share with that person. Since time is limited, this why the number of good friends we have gets limited by how we spend time with others.
A True Friend: Is a person who won’t judge you. A true friend is a relationship that transcends time and this friendship isn’t defined by how much time you do spend with them. You might be with a true friend for only 5 minutes and yet that 5 minutes lasts a lifetime. They won’t hold you back nor measure you. True friends are true treasures. Not many people can hold another without judgment.
A Partner: A person you have social obligations with. (Since midlife crisis often represents a person shedding various social obligations in order to discover themselves, this is in part why so many partnerships get tested and also break during mid life crisis.)
Soulmates: So what is a soulmate? No where are we taught in western culture what soulmate is 100%:
The generic definition of soulmate is super wide open and very vague:
Soulmates are two people that share feelings and a deep natural affinity for each other. The relationship seemingly goes beyond love, intimacy, sexuality and spirituality
So first understand your definition may not fit to your partner’s definition. This can create problems, as you and your partner could actually be working to different ideals of soulmate. Some people don’t even think soulmates exist.
A soulmate is a person who you connect to without even needing to speak. Soulmates will help you grow even if it means losing you. A soulmate shares in kindness and non-judgement, but they are one of the few people we will trust with judgement. Finally a soulmate is a person we are mated to with a deep and honest sexual connection also.
It is the mate aspects of soulmates where people often fall short. Since in reality people try to force a person into a soulmate relationship and then get confused by adding sex to the equation and then everything falls apart. The simple truth is our culture doesn’t understand there is another level of companionship called Soul Companion.
A Soul Companion is the same as a soulmate except there isn’t a mated sexual union.
At times a person will marry their soul companions and then over time discover the relationship doesn’t work, because sexually they are not 100% compatible. This is more common than what you might think. Trying to force a Soul Companion to be a Soul Mate can at times end in a disaster. Our needs relative to sexuality is very complicated dance. It can be fine to marry a soul companion, but it’s highly timing dependent on many factors happening in each person’s life.
A soul companion is truly spiritually close to you, you know each other down to the soul level. Its a powerful place to be.
But just because you know a person to their soul, doesn’t mean they also need to be your biological mate.
Just because someone was your biological mate in the past, doesn’t make them a soulmate in the now either .
At times same sex soul companions will get confused by the depth of their feelings for each other, since such a deep connection can seemingly go beyond what they feel is proper. In fact the term bromance has arisen to cover this situation. So for some people understanding there is this deeper connection with some people can also improve their same sex relationships. Make no mistake soul companions are powerful connections. Since Sex is also about definition and relation, it is at the sexual level that soul companion becomes a confusing topic to come to terms with. Once you remove the need to define soul companion as being your mate or sexual partner it truly opens you up to many special relationships.
Now you may ask how many soul companions can a person have. I don’t know, Generally speaking I see people with 1 to 3 soul companions in their life. More is certainly possible but probably rare also, since it requires a special blending of non judgement and judgement to temper such a relationship. Just because Soul companions exist, don’t try to force normal friendships into being a soul companionship either.
Understanding that there is this deep Soul Companion level truly helps to open up a deeper relationship. To remove the confusing deeper sexual overtones can actually free up two people to start again building up a more honest relationship.
The full list for additional variations of relationships are found here: About Relationships.
There is something called a karmic relationship. A relationship which is old, and is one where you have to come to terms with an issue. Karmic relationships are tough, hard and powerful. But a Karmic relationship is rarely a soul companion or soul mate.
Karmic relationships are those people who help us learn lessons about our weaknesses.
Soul companions and mates are those people who match to our strengths.
Don’t think a karmic relationship is a soul mate, these two relationships are very different. A mistake people often make is to force a karmic relationship into being a soulmate. To force a karmic relationship to be too deep of a relationship usually results in too much conflict and pain.
Soulmates and Judgement
If you try to force person to stay, with judgement, with words, with force… then you are not being a soulmate yourself to the person you cling to.
If a person is truly your soulmate, you can release them, and they will come back. You cannot force a relationship into being soulbound. The exact opposite happens, if you try to force a person who is your soul companion to try to make them into your soulmate. Your will break your soul companionship and lose one of your most important friends in life.
I see this in my work with people: Married couples who are soul companions, truly deep friends. But often an insecure partner responds to midlife changes with judgement in an attempt to change their partner to fit them.
Part of the full definition of soul mate is a person who stays a soulmate even after midlife crisis and change. If you truly think your partner is a soulmate, and they are in midlife crisis: then you will need an almost inhumanly deep patience at this point to discover over a two year period of change, if they truly are your soul-mate. Not everyone has the endurance to make it through such a test.
Don’t force soul partners, instead give your partner the freedom to grow and become who they need to become. If you restrict your partner only because you fear getting hurt or losing them… then you are not being their true soulmate either.
I know this is hard for many people to initially understand: but a soul companion is so close to being a soulmate, that often times you only discover the difference at times of extreme testing. Midlife crisis is such a time. If you respond with grace and nonjudgmental, not only will you discover what depth of relationship you truly have, but you actually will also strengthen your relationship. If you force a relationship thru an extreme time by adding more tests on top of that, then being human, most of the time you will break each other’s spirit and destroy the relationship.
To be soul bound with another is a dance not a binding.
Don’t mistake the dance to be binding the other person to you. Rather you learn how to gracefully move through life with your soul partner to help each other always grow.
Deeper Thoughts about Soul Mates
When I was younger I used to wonder if soul mates existed. Not everyone believes in soul-mates. I now know soulmates exist: the relationship is neither rare nor common, rather it’s a question of awareness that determines if you find such a partner.
It isn’t that soulmates need to be rare: the real problem is people force relationships to be more, to always be more! In the rush to have relationship… people just are not patient enough to truly find their soul-mate. It is easy to say a person is your soulmate, but finding the proof to actually having a soul mate, is a bit deeper process in the end.
You cannot be with a soulmate, if you are busy struggling and blinded within an existing relationship. If you are always rushing to be in a relationship (as most people do), you are pretty much assured you will not find your soulmate.
Also in order to find a soulmate or a soul companion you cannot force the relationship. You need to have some inner peace in your own spirit so your own internal conflicts don’t mismatch you to the wrong person.
An interesting truth is people match themselves first relative to their issues/insecurities and then secondly to their strengths. Since in weakness a person avoids personal issues, it means also avoiding those who can help face those insecurities. So until first addressing and slowly removing personal insecurities it isn’t easy to see the people who would truly be soul companions to us. Soul-mates are rarely the white knight that save us from our problems. Rather soul partners help us grow up to be strong enough to deal with our own problems.
Soul companions and soulmates are those people who match to our strengths.
If you are busy just struggling to overcome personal issues, you will also be too preoccupied to spot your true soul companions.
How to help Soulmates in Crisis?
If at all possible start by simplifying your relationship to being a true friend. This isn’t always easy nor possible, but it is a good baseline to start exploring. Read more in Helping Partners Change.
How do you find your SoulMate?
Since many people in midlife transformation are also dating again for the first time in a long while. I have written another article How to find your SoulMate to help people connect to a soul mate rather than just finding a new relationship.
I would recommend this article to partners of a person in midlife transformation because it will give you further information on how to work with your partner in change.
Also to explore more about relationships check out our healing and relationship section of the site.
Discover you don’t have to be alone, in figuring out how to improve your relationship.