People in Mid life crisis are looking for answers. Often times a person in mid life crisis is not ready to be alone and looks for help outside their current situation. As a result the consequence of many Midlife Crisis situations is that a person will think about or even have an affair.
I have helped many people work through the consequences of a Midlife affair. Lets not try to make the situation pretty: the fact is, once you are reading this, it means you have entered in a very hard world, with very real consequences that will effect the rest of your life.
The only way to handle a midlife affair is to remove judgement. Judgement traps a person into having an affair and judgements force affairs to go deeper and become messier situations than they need to be. Judgements prevent people from learning from their mistakes. Judgement after the affair will prevent a healthy relationship from growing from the aftermath.
So the one truth that must get released is:
Release the judgement!
There are three cases to consider: Pre Affair, During the Affair and Post Affair.
If you are considering a midlife affair, it means it’s time to take a deeper more honest look at both yourself and your current relationship. A Midlife Affair also often represents being afraid to directly work with your partner or that your partner has stopped communicating with you.
In the end many midlife affairs happen because a person is seeking to move past feeling stuck in their current life. The affair represents motion and new options. Affairs also represent the seeking of another person to provide comfort and finally often are an attempt to validate oneself through another person.
If you are longing towards an affair the first step is to realize that your current relationship is already having serious enough problems to end it.
Finding a counselor to help you begin work out issues is often a better path to explore rather than just suppressing your feelings. The problem is individuals are often blind to their own problems and cannot fix them on their own (hence the pull to an affair). The only trouble is the affair rarely fixes personal problems, rather affairs usually only add additional complications into the mix.
Most people try to solve the pre affair by suppressing their own feelings. Suppression of personal feelings will always fail as an answer. Suppression of feelings leads to (a) you breaking down to having the affair, (b) the pent up feelings coming out volcanically to break your current relationship later in a much more painful manner or (c) pent up feelings slowly rend your heart apart to the point you spiritually die, or even worse (d) the pent up feelings slowly tear a person up inside to the point they stop caring about life, many heart attacks and cancers come out of not taking care of your body properly.
The truth is sometimes the midlife affair has to happen. Too much tension exists or the need for freedom is so strong that a person finds themselves in a relationship with another person. Part of this attraction comes out from that fact all new relationships are relatively judgement free still. New relationships are fresh, this opens up new experiences and kick starts the exploration of life again. The pull to live again is very irresistible. The pull to be with a person that doesn’t limit one down with judgements or measurement is intoxicating.
The only problem is this: having started a new relationship by breaking trust, this also sows the seeds of hidden judgements, judgements that will grow and circle back around to slowly eat away at your choices. A person can run only so far before having to start dealing with the very issues that created the previous set of relationship problems eating away at the earlier relationship.
The first few months of any affair is magical, but at some point judgement and past patterns will creep back into the situation to cause most people to repeat the seeds of crisis they were running away from.
At some point, events catch up to a person and their relationship. Most people fall back to the common tools taught to them by society to handle the after effects of an affair: anger, judgement, hate, despair, feeling wronged and feeling morally right…
Conflict accomplishes nothing, and in the end judgement results in conflict.
The truth is this:
The whole midlife affair ends up actually being inconsequential. Most people living fresh from the results of the affair won’t believe this statement. But it is true. What truly matters is this: What did you learn and how did you use the situation to grow from?
If you focus on the affair, you then get stuck in the past and judgements which limit how you can grow from the situation. Learn from the affair but don’t focus upon it either. The affair is a stepping stone towards a better life for everyone, if used as a stepping stone. For most people affairs become swamps of despair. Such a place is not a place worth living within.
Many people waste the experience to hate or regrets. Hate is a very sad limited way to hold an experience. Hate allows no room for growth. In fact, hate dissolves the heart away, it eats a person away until they are left with nothing. Those resorting to hate often will fall prey to depression and slowly pull away from others.
No this whole process means being brave enough to stand up and learn from the experience. To be willing to live life honestly and not hiding away from others.
This is a very delicate case by case situation that most of the time will not be resolved smoothly without outside assistance. The truth is once the affair happens, the marriage is officially broken. The fundamental value of trust that a marriage is based upon is broken and will never again be the same.
But here is the secret:
Mid life transformation is all about starting a new life. You and your partner are in mid life transformation. This means it’s possible to start and build a fresh new trust between partners, to create a whole new relationship, since you both are in transformation!
The process runs like this
Is this easy? No it isn’t. The over whelming response of our society is to push guilt, to force relationships and want answers right away. Yet the mid life transformation process takes roughly two years to grow within. It takes time to grow and find one’s nature.
But to those who take the time:
This is literally becomes a magical process,
truly the stuff of stories everyone else reads about and wishes would happen to them.
The only trouble is this, wishing for your story to have a happy ending means not truly putting effort into your process.
To live the happy ending is a slow process requiring patience, it means making mistakes and growing from those mistakes. Feeling and lashing out in pain is not the same as working thru your process. It’s a long and hard continued effort. For most people this will be the hardest test they ever face in their life and relationship…
Hiding from an midlife affair or truth only diminishes you in this process.
Be Brave: so you can live your life and grow.
Right now, it won’t seem possible that the whole affair issue can ever resolve out gracefully, but having work with many people, all my clients say the same thing, they would go thru the process again: because it allowed them to truly live again, honestly and completely as themselves! In other words, many relationships have become a prison from judgements and that is where the affair comes into the picture. In this process, we free those involved to live to heart, without judgement. The whole affair literally just becomes a past story to be shed as each person transforms into a newer wiser person.
Many people reading this are probably feeling shredded by the thoughts of an affair…The shredding feeling is your soul eroding away. Stand up and live your life.. or watch it erode away in pain.
It really is a personal choice. Sadly most people in this culture choose the painful path, only because they haven’t been shown another way. This article is to help show, there is a better path that does work.
As a note: Many times people are stuck in abusive situations and a person will have an affair to help break free of abuse. Understand in abusive situations call immediately the abuse hotlines that exist and find assistance. No one should live through abuse. Abusive relationships require special helping conditions and local help. While I work with people around the world, I don’t work with abuse cases as it requires local assistance and professional help specially trained to help break of the abuse.
If you need help right away you can start here with this 30 minute video.
Learn how to regain control of your life.
This 30 minute video talks about:
(1) Working with trust issues that arise from a midlife crisis affair.
(2) Changing how you interact with your partner.
(3) The state of mind of you and your partner.
(Changing the way to work with marriage)
(4) How to regain control of your life.
The keys of communication and non conflict. (Saying Less is More!)
(5) How long does it take to resolve everything?
(6) How to grow stronger rather than being destroyed by the affair.
(7) Letting go of things said and how to listen.
(8) Dynamics of an affair relationship. (Looking ahead to avoid common mistakes)
(9) What are true dangers of a Midlife affair (Don’t repeat old patterns).
(10) How to grow from Midlife mistakes.
(11) What are my next steps?
How to take personal control of the situation.
(12) Turning it all around to be strong.
I work with people on a case by case basis, as each person is a unique tapestry of needs, past events needing resolution, different future goals, different mixes of partners, supporting past obligations and different stories.
It takes rebuilding a new relationship and that is a very patient process and a process not many people are willing to commit to. I have helped many people thrive in the most beautiful ways after affairs have occurred, but it only can happen if you are ready to change. Otherwise, the conditions that led to the affair will only get worse, the problems will repeat and you ensure leading a very unhappy future life.
Strangely and most sadly people usually choose hate and pain as the answer to the midlife affair. Look around to how many bad divorces that happen that end up in hate, and you will know the truth of this statement. Refuse to let pain define your life, Choose to change and grow.
I can help you grow and thrive. But the process I teach isn’t for everyone. Before I accept you as a client you must set up an interview with me to determine if you would match to one of the various processes I use. Of all the services I provide, this is the most serious and complicated one I offer. In the hardest cases, it even requires exploring the process of a Spiritual Divorce. No matter what path is taken: understand you will need to look to the future not the past, explore personal commitment in taking care of yourself and have a deeper patience to be true to your heart. It requires releasing all judgement to instead embrace acceptance that this is a time to grow.
While some people in anger after the affair may not agree with what I write here, I know from the dozens of clients I have helped that this process works with amazing results.
To quote one client:
Grace and Kindness were two unfamiliar words to me before Casey came into my life. As a result of his kind and non judgmental teachings my life has gone from a place of chaotic despair to a never before known place of peace and tranquility. Challenging but rewarding the way of the teaching has set me on a path to live to heart with kindness and grace.
If you are ready to step ahead and truly make your life thrive after an midlife affair then contact me and lets start now.
Contact Casey at:
Please note: Any comments which are not respectful, are in anger, are rude or lash out with judgment will be deleted. Part of this teaching is to work without judgement.