The two sides of releasing a relationship are when you need to leave and when your partner needs to leave.
This article looks at the two sides of breaking up in relationships.
When Your Partner Leaves
Occasionally we get a call where a person is trying to fix a broken relationship beyond repair. Where one person is left holding the ghost of another soul.
No single answer can truly give the person what their heart most yearns for… true love from a person who truly has left.
People look for answers, answers to explain everything… But at times the answers found can never be complete or worse really are never full. No answer I can write could force or bring back another person who truly has left. Worse all answers feel hollow since all the person has left is the void left behind by their lost love.
To those who have truly lost their love or partner, it isn’t possible to get them back in guilt, tears, bleeding hearts, holding old memories nor torn bits of soul… All these methods create false stories that erode quickly with time. Answering your loss in this manner frames a life to be doomed in embracing emptiness.
Until the time they choose to come back of their own heart, you must take care of yourself, must work to becoming stronger and finding personal answers how best to move ahead with your life. No answers will makes the next steps easier, but you still must take the steps to move ahead. Live with those who do care and find a life your heart can embrace so even if they don’t come back you have a life worth living. Don’t ever punish yourself for the other person leaving and don’t lash out in hate or pain since this only reflects back to wound your own heart.
At times pain is the answer that is left to us.
At times we must face that pain
to not embrace but to rather release that pain
so we can move beyond it.
No “one” answer removes the pain of this situation. So then release it with small steps, in small bits, like crumbs to decay with time. I can tell a person to move ahead, and to rebuild a better life, a better life because you make it your own life. This answer isn’t dependent on your former partner and it is the answer you must follow, because no matter what other people may do, this answer at least helps you live a better life. More importantly, this gives a person something to embrace eventually: themselves.
At the time of loss, this answer is the hardest one of all to accept since it does feel the emptiest. As the person can’t feel their own soul yet.
But this is the path of healing, a healing release…
Release in the end is the only answer that truly works for all.
Release opens up the possibility other people can come back freely. However, more importantly release is also the only answer that gives you your own freedom to live your life without pain.
Here is the secret to making it all work:
Release and how to live to that release will be a series of hundreds of smaller answers you cobble together over a period of a few years… that creates a new life.
Release in the end isn’t a single answer, but countless smaller steps… that become your life. A New and whole life.
You won’t see it now, but if you walk this path, you will come to a new point, a new life with wholeness that you will accept as a good life again.
So the truth is, it doesn’t matter who leaves first in a relationship. Each person has the right to veto a relationship. Once one person leaves, the other person should respond in kind to make the separation process kind. So this leads naturally into our next section of the article.
When You Need to Leave
Learning how to release is a powerful tool to help a person reorganize their life. By definition a relationship is to resist release. As a result it’s hard to release a relationship, when a relationship has reached its natural separation point. This contradiction causes all sorts of problems. All too many people breaking up use negative habits to break their relationship in a harmful manner. This type of break up causes all sorts of spiritual problem later to resolve in life.
The Process of Letting Go
Relationships evolve over time. A bad relationship is when the needs within the relationship have changed but the relationship itself is stuck in older patterns. If a relationship doesn’t change over time to fit those involved: then either the people inside will be unhappy or over the longer term the relationship will break.
As a result I teach how to release misconceptions holding back or harming the relationship.
The process of release is tricky. People often think they only have to release one thing… Yet most times release is a larger process of releasing several co-dependent factors. This is why release is difficult. If you don’t release fully, then other hidden problems will surface and seemingly drag you back to the original problem.
Lets look at a specific example of when a relationship is experiencing a break up. Breaking up is of course an extreme form of release.
Breaking up is often a forced release. A forced release means one person in the partnership is unwilling to release. Being forced to release often reinforces unhealthy actions in the last desperate attempts to hold on to relationship. Acts of clinging then just further serve to wedge apart the unhealthy relationship.
When I work with those in separation, the first thing to understand is often times both parties grab onto older patterns to help them move through the separation. The problem being, those older patterns are the reason the relationship broke in the first place. So repeating them sets a person up for extended failures in the future.
I teach in forced separations, it’s best to enable the release to help heal each party rather than clinging to what didn’t work and ensure a permanent lose of friendship.
When a partner leaves, the process of release has started and it’s important to let it run the course for purposes of healing. Any such release is actually much more than moving beyond a partner.
When you release another person to be free: it also means letting yourself be free.
It’s easy to make a mistake of placing your fears and thoughts into your former partner. Don’t project what they are or are not feeling! If you do that, you will hurt yourself, them and further push the partner away.
This is why I teach a person to use kindness in the process of release. Kindness permits a person to minimize damage within a separation and enables people to repair longer term relationships.
The release process includes stopping all self punishment of yourself for what you might have done wrong in the past. Don’t punish former partners or yourself for past mistakes, doing so pushes others away and also ensures re-living past mistakes.
People often insist on holding to something of their former partner. Strangely people usually choose to hold to the mistakes that broke the relationship in the first place. On the surface this is done to figure out what went wrong. Yet deeper underneath, this is done to hold on to something of the old relationship. This is projection and only pushes partners further away. So again part of the release is letting go of the need to know, to need to “project” into another personal fears and problems.
Release the mistakes of the past, in order to be free and find a path true to the heart.
Release is a very critical process, but understand release has many levels.
A short post for a complicated time in a person’s life. The goal is to help remind a person, when finding oneself in any process of release: to be careful, take pause and follow the course of release in a manner that lets you grow, rather than letting the release break you in half. It is always possible to turn any process of release into a positive experience, but it isn’t always a simple path to discover.
Release requires both patience and self kindness to navigate.
Often in release a person will have this question:
Do you think staying close with a person as we separate helps the process, or hinders the process?
This is the line where counseling happens and I cannot give a generic answer. The balance shifts for each couple: Every relationship has a different balance and set of answers.
To know the right / or best answer for a relationship requires to feel / know the spirit of the situation. To test and understand the dynamics and tenor of the relationship and partners. Additionally, the answers always also shift as a people releasing relationships are now in a state of change/ flux. So you always have adjust answers accordingly and often during the process. As a result I work with people in an active manner so the assistance stays in sync with life’s changes.
What can generally be said is this:
- Your heart is a guide, but it is your guide not theirs.
- Know that your actions have to balance out in reflection which means you have to observe and be aware. Don’t judge or try to change their course… In other words you let your own actions and life be the way to shift the situation to best work for everyone.
- Don’t let fear drive your actions since otherwise you make your fears real.
- Make sure you take care of yourself. Keep a regular exercise practice like yoga or Qi Gong or similar practices to help keep your mind and body sharp. This will help balance out the interactions better as a result.
- Know that you will make mistakes and that is fine, we work with mistakes to turn it around and make a better life
- Discover this is also a process of personal forgiveness and as a result it will lead into unexpected insights and directions when least expected.
The way to work with releasing a relationship is to also allow your life to also change as the process evolves. To match and reflect against how each person is working with the release. That what is best isn’t based on past expectations but rather what is required in the here and now to let each of you grow.