Aloha Dragons.
I listen to music as I write the newsletter and vibe out my feelings. Here is the song list I’m listening to while writing this month’s newsletter:
The songs for each newsletter start off randomly, and as I began writing, David Bowie’s song ‘Heroes’ came on. The line, ‘We can be heroes just for one day,’ reminded me of the Taoist idea of consciously engaging with our life story. This made me reflect on what it means to be a hero and the roles we embrace in life, setting the tone for this month’s exploration.
Many people don’t consciously choose how they move through their story. However, unconsciously, many people do choose a role: hero, renegade, helper, parent, or other identities within their life story. In this, people react to life events based on the roles they play.
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If you take time to become aware of the story you are experiencing, you can change both your narrative and the roles you want to embrace. Let’s explore how people move through their life narrative and the roles we take on, especially the hero role.
Casey Insight #1: Many people tear themselves down. Don’t let your inner dialogue bring you down. You cannot be your own hero if you are busy writing yourself out of your story!
For those who do tear themselves down, here is a video to help find inner peace.
Casey Insight #2: Why do we focus on being the hero for other people? We can also be our own hero.
Now this gets me thinking about myself. I have never been my own hero.
Casey Insight #3: Not everyone wants to be a hero, nor to save themselves.
These three insights stir up considerable personal reflection. As I pivot back into a full-time digital nomad lifestyle, I am stepping out of a 21-year parenting chapter and beginning to consider how I want to shape my next 7-year story arc.
So here are some of my personal thoughts and experiences on this topic:
- Taoism teaches how to move through your narrative consciously.
- Not every story has a hero.
- I truly find joy witnessing the patterns of life. For me, the story isn’t about the destination; it’s about pausing in the moments between my destinations.
- I have been a hero several times in my life. It really isn’t my gig. I quickly learned not to save people. So instead, I refined my actions to help others rather than save others.
- It took me 15 years of social work to realize I couldn’t save the “system” either. So instead, I further refined my process to focus only on helping individuals.
So all of this leads to two questions:
- How will I move through my next life story?
- How will I add a dash of hero back into my life story?
Please note that this newsletter extends the Exploring Wholeness in Your Story newsletter. The topic from the October Newsletter was to validate that you were living within a story that made you whole. Today’s topic expands on how a person can consciously shape their life story.
Humans naturally experience life as a story. We remember the past as narrative, we imagine the future as narrative, and we interpret events by placing them inside a storyline about who we are.
Psychologists call this narrative identity, which is the internal story we construct to explain our lives.
One truth is that many people inherit a story that then drives their narrative identity, rather than write a story to support the narrative role they want to live. A person who never questions their story often lives inside someone else’s expectations. Part of the message today is to be more aware of the stories shaping you and choosing how to navigate them more gracefully.
“We are all storytellers, and we live in a network of stories.”
– Haruki Murakami
Think of your story’s role as a boat that allows you to move through an interconnected waterway of stories. You have more choices than you realize. Using a battleship role as a hero is much different than being in a canoe role as an observer. My experience is that many people ride their role like a cannonball through life and sort things out after they crash through their experiences. Riding on a cannonball is usually a very fast and disruptive path in life. Slowing down and pausing can help a person re-evaluate and change their life roles.
How People Approach Living Their Life Stories
To simplify things, let’s examine the common approaches to managing one’s life story.
- Just surviving.
- Follow another story.
- Control everyone else’s story.
- Go with the flow. (Taoist Approach)
- Plan and control your story. (Western Approach)
Just Surviving
In my experience, just surviving can be a limiting way to live out a story. It might be the most common story I see happening around me. As stated in previous newsletters, focus on growth and thriving rather than hunkering down to survive. To focus only on survival forces a person into a reactive lifestyle that takes away agency over one’s own life.
When you feel like you are just surviving, scream the mantra “I Live” and go do something new. Survival is actually a doorway into adventure if you treat it as a door. (It becomes a door by choosing a different action than “just surviving”).
“Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did.”
-Mark Twain
- Action follows your steps. Just surviving stops your steps from happening.
- Just surviving makes a person a background character.
- Just surviving puts you at the mercy of those who strive to control your story.
One of the most dangerous stories a person can live inside is the belief that nothing can change. When people believe that, they stop experimenting with life.
Thirty years ago, I felt this trap closing around me. The key that set me free was simply choosing to perform small acts of helping others and myself.
Casey Insight #4: Whenever I encountered a “survival” moment, I flipped it into action by simply asking, “How can I help?”.
Follow Another Story
The easiest path to creating your own story is to follow a storyline you already know.
- Just do what society, family, or work wants you to do.
This approach offers more options than just surviving. However, if left unchallenged, it can gradually erode personal agency.
After high school, I decided to try out the American Dream as my life story. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I lost all agency as I focused on completing everything expected of me. Needless to say, I left this approach behind at 31 and never looked back.
If you are stuck, it’s ok to draw inspiration from other stories around you, but also take the time to make it your own.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
-Maya Angelou
Controlling Everyone Else’s Story.
This category represents all the abusers in life, people who seek power through control. As the Epstein files demonstrate, many rich billionaires, famous citizens, and powerful politicians are truly terrible people who control others with abuse.
Controlling other people’s stories ultimately leads to a loss of freedom, both for others and for oneself. When people are controlled, they become disconnected from their own narrative agency. Last month’s newsletter reinforced the importance of coming together to protect ourselves from tyrants.
If you feel controlled by others or trapped by a system, recognize that awareness is the first step toward reclaiming your agency. If you feel controlled by others or trapped by “the system”, scream out the mantra “OH HELL NO”. Listen carefully for those who respond out loud with “OH HELL NO,” then join together.
I have my own life experiences from people in power trying to victimize me. The important lesson I learned is to never forget oneself. I could easily share a story of how the famous person “X” did a terrible thing “Y” to me. Rather than defining my story by those experiences, I use them as lessons for navigating future situations. The interesting truth is, I don’t view these experiences as part of my own story as much as background situations that I overcame with “Oh Hell No”.
This brings us back to the song that started the newsletter: David Bowie’s Heroes.
When I asked the internet what the song “Heroes” is about, the summary answer is that the song highlights ordinary people becoming temporary heroes through small, defiant acts of love, despite the overarching feeling of being doomed or overwhelmed. The song was inspired by seeing two lovers meet by the Berlin Wall. For him, it was a symbol of hope, defiance, and fleeting triumph over political oppression.
Casey Insight #5: You don’t have to be a hero all the time. Heroism can exist in small, momentary actions. Acts of courage, kindness, or boundary-setting can all be expressions of this. Just the micro-action of “Oh Hell No” is a momentary act of being the hero. For myself, this is the key insight: We don’t need to constantly embrace the path of the hero; instead, it’s about remembering, in moments, to take action with “Oh Hell No” and help each other.
Just look at everyone saying the same thing over and over again.
“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”
– Aesop
“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention.”
-Khalil Gibran
“The best portion of a good man’s life is his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.”
– William Wordsworth
“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”
– Mother Teresa
“One small act of kindness may not change the world, but it may change the world for one person.”
– Anne Frank
“It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay.”
-J.R.R. Tolkien
It’s time to tell quite a few bad people, “Oh hell no,” as we help each other in neighborism to live better lives.
Go with the flow. (Taoist Approach)
Taoism emphasizes working with life rather than forcing your options. This method allows you to get stronger as you face each challenge. As we help others and build connections, we can then act in kindness to improve our lives.
The January Newsletter explores some tricks of living in the flow of life.
The Taoist approach to story management tends to focus on Wu Wei (effortless action or action aligned with the natural flow of events). This often gets simplified to mean flowing with life. This approach has the advantage of being very flexible. Nothing keeps you down, and you use everything in life to slowly grow.
“Act without striving and everything will fall into place.”
– Lao Tzu
The Taoist Farmer story illustrates this approach in story management.
This flow approach from Taoism almost seems to contradict the idea of taking control of your narrative. Yet what it’s really saying is to work with & take advantage of each situation as it unfolds. Not to outthink all the possibilities.
At this point, the second song, ‘Renegades,’ comes into focus.
It’s our time to make a move, it’s our time to make amends
It’s our time to break the rules (hey), let’s begin
This approach allows a person to break rules by refusing to play limiting societal games, instead stepping around disruptive events that might otherwise derail their path.
Finally, Taoism offers an interesting twist on the idea of heroism.
Western culture often celebrates the loud hero — the conqueror, the leader, the savior.
Taoism tends to admire the quiet hero, the person who moves with life so skillfully that conflict dissolves before it begins.
“The sage does not attempt anything very big, and thus achieves greatness.”
– Lao Tzu
Just remember, even the quiet hero needs to shout and act out with “oh hell no” every once in a while! Many people practicing Taoism miss this important lesson.
Plan and Manage Your Story.
The Western approach to managing a life story is very different from the Taoist approach. Instead of flowing with events as they arise, the Western mindset focuses on planning, prediction, and management. This approach assumes that the future should be shaped through deliberate effort. In many situations, this mindset works extremely well.
If you want to build a bridge or design a rocket, you absolutely need careful planning. Complex projects require structure, sequencing, and detailed preparation. Western civilization has achieved incredible things through this mindset.
But life itself is not a perfectly engineered project. Relationships change. Opportunities appear unexpectedly. Entire life directions can shift because of a single conversation, failure, or chance encounter.
Trying to rigidly manage every aspect of life can lead to frustration when reality refuses to follow the script.
Plans are useful, but they are not reality.
“Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”
– Mike Tyson
When life becomes punchy, adaptability becomes more valuable than plans.
The Western approach gives us direction.
But without adaptability, that direction can become rigid, stressful, and disconnected from the flow of real life. This is where Taoist thinking becomes valuable.
Additionally, a fully rigid approach does not always align with a hero’s path. Systems, red tape, and corruption often limit action. This is why moments of courage, choosing to act, speak up, or challenge what feels wrong, become essential. It all circles back to embracing ‘Oh Hell No’ when it truly matters.
Merge The Options
The answer is not one or the other. My experience has been to combine both the Taoist and Western approaches.
Planning gives you a direction to move toward. Taoist flow allows you to adapt as situations change.
Lately, the analogy of sailing and planning has been popular. It fits here also. You can choose the destination and point the boat in that direction. That is planning. But you cannot control the wind or the currents. A skilled sailor does not fight the wind. They adjust the sails and work the angles of the wind to get to their destination. This is the mixing of the Taoist and Western approaches. The same principle applies to life. You set intentions and choose the direction for your story, but remain flexible enough to adjust your narrative as reality shifts.
Instead of trying to force your entire story to unfold exactly as you plan, you move through life step by step, learning, adapting, and recalibrating as opportunities appear.
You are neither a rigid planner nor a passive drifter. You become a conscious participant in your own story. This opens your awareness so you can choose your roles in each situation rather than being forced into undesirable roles or actions.
You set a destination, move toward it, observe what unfolds, and adjust along the way. And more powerfully, this allows you to have many destinations in your life.
Over time, this combination of intention and adaptability allows your story to evolve in ways you could never have predicted at the beginning.
Closing Thoughts
Earlier, I mentioned how one of the hardest lessons I learned in life was not to save others but to help people. Discover that help includes respecting a person’s free will to shape any help to fit their life and direction.
A person learns to shift their momentum and improve their direction with “help”. This isn’t about changing a person; it’s about fostering growth in how they process their story.
You cannot change people. You can only offer them love.
– Anaïs Nin
Love is to become more or to help another become more.
Helping each other provides direction and tools for building our life stories. In helping a person, you assist in their growth (love) so that they, too, become strong enough to say “Oh Hell No” when it matters most in their life.
The hero’s path includes love.
This finally circles us to our last song: I Lived.
In love, in helping a person become more, it inspires them to live more fully.
Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup
Here is to a full life ahead.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
– Carl Jung
Extra credit
Watch the movie Stranger than Fiction (it’s free), which explores what happens when a man becomes aware that his life is being written for him—and then chooses to take it back.
“If you don’t write your own story, you will be a character in others.”
–Soman Gouda
Big Love from
Julie & Casey
“…I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”
– Robert Frost