How do I resolve anger?

Anger

What is anger?

Anger serves a purpose to release deeper issues, problems and internal conflict. It’s a pressure release valve. Since from the body’s perspective: it’s better to release anger than to turn it around to destroy oneself.

However, anger is not very efficient and it’s the last step/tool in a person’s automatic release options. Suppressing anger is self destructive, as the negative energy redirects directly into your body. Anger is a path of destruction. Anger’s purpose is to destroy problems.

How does one heal anger? The true key is awareness of one’s inner self. Understand the root of anger is about releasing problems. It’s better to release problems in other more efficient and less damaging manners. So resolving anger means developing habits that release internal conflict in constructive manners before it can release as rage.

I had a teacher who taught me all about anger. My father was a wonderful soul, yet his one weakness was rage. He let rage control, diminish and then destroy his life. He showed me time and time again, to release with rage, always results in negative feedback from the rest of the world: which in turn would cause him more harm.

The lesson was very clear:

The world always reflects your actions. If you lash out in rage, then the world lashes back at you with that same anger causing pain/grief that still has to get resolved.

Once your anger gets stirred up, there is no true “release” except resolution.

Lashing out with anger is an inefficient attempt to resolve or make a problem go away.

The Key: Resolution

To lash out in rage is to still lash out at yourself, creating problems that will require healing.

So if you have anger

  1. Don’t hold it in.
  2. Don’t release it as pain.
  3. Release it as acceptance.

Now acceptance has many levels, since as you practice acceptance, you can release the anger long before it even boils up to become anger.

Long before anger: look towards your feelings, find the internal conflict (or external) and work towards acceptance. Taoism teaches peace is the true warrior’s path. The sword while an option is never used with anger or you have lost from the start.

Firstly: Don’t remove all aspects of anger out of one’s life, it does serve some useful purposes. More importantly at times you need some anger when dealing with other people. Occasionally you need to reflect anger with anger. Since anger is used at times as communication. Look at the wolf snarl above, it isn’t anger as action, it’s a statement of communication to indicate position. The wolf is saying: “I am willing to fight to retain my place.” The wolf doesn’t want to fight, in fact its trying to release the need to fight, with its snarl.

However, having said that, I teach that 80 to 90% of anger is wasteful.

Basic Techniques to resolve anger

In looking for answers you will discover many different anger management tools. Julie and I focus on the teachings that balance a student closer to their essence. This allows a person to find both a stronger internal baseline and a calmer perspective to work against life’s challenges. Here is a simple introduction to some of our teachings that a person can use to attain more refined control of their actions and finally resolve their anger.

When feeling anger.

Step one:

  1. Take a breath, and just feel it.
  2. Look at it, don’t try to answer it, just look at it.
  3. Accept it, and then release it as a long exhale.
  4. Imagine it going into the earth as compost.
  5. With your arms sweep it away:Literally use your arm like a sword to cut through the feelings of anger to say I see the anger: and it is as it was.

We maintain a lot of energy to hold onto the past: the past is just reflection of what we think happened. In the now… it’s gone and only a memory… and memories are no longer truth, but rather guide lines only. It is as it was. Release the issue as most anger is actually a lie that people use to project and keep the past alive in the now. But doing so is actually a form of delusion: 80 to 90% of anger is based upon lies! Why give up your own power to such lies? A Taoist as a result just releases anger without fuss. Simply brushes it away as a lie and anger on its own has no power at all, except any power we give it to make it real.

In this example, the answer is a process of releasing both the past and any twisted thoughts that got entangled in that past.

This technique also ties into breathing techniques. Yes, letting go of anger in some cases can be as simple as releasing a breath! Breath management is used quite a bit since our thoughts actually flow against our breath. So by breathing with a deeper awareness it becomes possible to release the thoughts which are stirring up the anger in the first place.

For a Taoist this fact resolves 75% of anger issues. However, when your anger is based on painful personal truth, then we must look at the issues that need to be addressed and work a bit deeper.

Step Two:

After looking at the anger: then look closely.

  • If it’s a problem you can resolve now, then do so… No lingering excuses or apologies. Be decisive, apologize once and only once if needed, make your amends and just move on quickly and simply.
  • If it’s something you feel guilt over: then forgive yourself! Be giving to others in repentance for three to five times to put forth kindness in balance of the negative actions. But only a few times. Your life is never an apology, rather in kindness our actions are about now, not filling in the past. As I said before: the past is just that: past gone!
  • If it cannot be resolve right away: then let it go.Instead resolve other smaller problems and be happy with that. Chip away at the anger in small resolutions/actions that over time will undercut the larger anger issue naturally.

You will be surprise how fast these techniques can help you resolve anger.

However, you have to be willing to release.

If you hold firm to “the past”, “expectations”, “lies”, “issues” : then it will be a long road in the release and often your anger will follow destructive means to create the release needed to occur.

In coming across a person who takes this longer road, you let them travel and go your own way. Every person makes their own path. Respect other people’s choices even the bad ones, since they are working on issues. The reason is that often times anger is Karmic in nature. You have to let a person work out Karma naturally and first hand, otherwise you just prolong their negative Karma.

Anger is a Karmic emotion, when you lash out in pain, you inflict negative Karma upon yourself and others around you. Pain inflicted thru anger takes time and active consideration of the people involved to release. As a result be respectful of those working with anger issues, Karma is a powerful beast and the only way to tame it is: with respect, time and acceptance.

Additional Anger, Crisis and Emotional Support Reading Materials

 

For Professional Assistance Releasing Anger

Julie and I teach from a wide collection of tools that will help you find peace and release anger. Often times addressing deeper truths require outside assistance to gain new angles that resolve out the internal conflict a person is holding. We teach you how to release judgements that hold you back and then flare up later as rage. We work with Taoist and shamanic tools that add in a grounded spiritual component to anger management.

Contact Casey and Julie at:
PersonalTao@gmail.com
(360) 870-2897

 

49 Responses to How do I resolve anger?

  1. simon says:

    thank you this has been most helpful,

  2. You are welcomed Simon!

  3. Thanu says:

    This gave me a good understanding to deal with different kind of people,without loosing control of my emotions and in avoiding of distructive thoughts. Thank you

  4. You are welcomed Thanu!

    Working with anger or those who use anger isn’t easy if you are not taught how to redirect that anger. Sadly our culture uses conflict and anger to resolve out 75% of it problems when in reality when anger should only come into play at the most 5% of the time.

    Another sad truth is this, anyone who uses anger and conflict as their primary tools of choice are highly predictable and very easy to control by those who truly understand power. As a result you often will find people being used by others in their anger. Some people think their anger makes them powerful, but there is no true power in being used…

  5. L says:

    How do you propose resolution of anger towards the culture of planetary destruction, and those in power who help it continue? It’s a large problem, and I am deeply angry about it.

  6. @L: No need for anger anymore.

    chaos come nipping at the heels of men.

    Rotten under pinnings are shifting even now. Such is the process of erosion: it moves unpredictably fast towards the end. The only question is how long is this kept hidden before it collapses. A month or 10? the world is about to shift. And with shifts come change . Let the house fall, be on the outside with peace in the heart as not to get caught in its downfall.

    Those with anger only will lose their footing in the erosion of the times.

    Patience and then answers will come to you.

  7. IsabelLeigh says:

    thank you so much this really helped with family issues i have read alot of discriptions about dealing with anger and yours is by far the best greetings from the uk xxx

  8. @IsabelLeigh: Thanks I have had to deal with other peoples anger for a long time. One thing I have found is that anger is a very poor tool to helping people get what they truly need.

    For every victory gained using anger as the tool, also produces defeats, personal stress and other problems that always circle back around to harm a person later.

  9. Ronald says:

    I would like to subscribe!

  10. Bobby W. says:

    It’s easy to preach about anger and letting go, yet I find it hard to practice. It’s almost impossible to let go. Most of my anger results from : unfulfilled expectations on people and self , others hurting me.

    Yet if we don’t set standards, people won’t improve and adhere to management. If we don’t get angry when people hurt us, then people will think that we are okay with mistreatment. Sometimes anger is constructive, sometimes it’s destructive. We need to be able to channel our anger well.

  11. @Bobby: This isn’t about preaching at all. This is all about a different way to deal with anger, by learning additional tools of communication. Most people only have one tool to use and that’s judgement. Judgement will always result in conflict and then anger creates more problems than solutions.

    By understanding kindness is to be in your essence, you can protect your essence without anger. You can protect yourself without anger, by using awareness to shift the situation and using communication to work around judgements and frustration.

    Again the main problem is that most people are only taught to use judgement and anger quickly becomes their tool of choice. Then it is very hard to switch because it takes time and practice to develop any skill.

    Anger as a tool should only be used 10% of the time at the most. I am not saying to remove it fully but only use it when appropriate and that take times to learn and polish.

  12. Sapph says:

    Hey Casey, I have enjoyed reading what you have written and understand what you are saying. My problem is:- when I am really hurting and trying to explain my feelings to someone, and I am either given the silent treatment or the other person becomes defensive, changing my words to mean an attack on them, my hurt increases and I lash out with anger, either verbally or physically. I understand anger to be a secondary emotion and when it is my hurt driving it, I struggle to remain rational and the lashing out takes me by surprise… any ideas as to what I can do to help myself?

  13. @Sapph:

    Understand each person has their own process and speed at which they come to understanding. At times it’s critical to say less, and spread across what you would like to say over a longer time in smaller steps.

    Understand with some it’s best to not say anything, despite what you might feel inside, despite the urge to “fix” things. Because if their perspective is opposite of yours, that will initiate conflict and conflict doesn’t fix anything it just decides who wins. Sometimes we have to walk away from trying to create a middle ground so both parties can find their own solution.

    This isn’t always a ration process and emotions can derail rationality very fast. So yes it is a dance in how you interact with others and often times you just have to walk away from that dance.

  14. Jerry says:

    Thank you….. I have struggled with my anger and divorce, and felt the best way for resolve was to lash out only to be bitten by my own anger, and then dissapointed in the way I spoke out in anger.

  15. @Jerry: You are welcomed. Anger in divorce only accelerates hate, at first it feels as the only option, as it just comes out without your being able to stop it. But the option of anger only limits choices later as the anger bites back.

    Finding peace with your anger which happened in the past is never easy. You can release it, but others who were bitten by that anger will carry the scars for a long time.

    You apologize once and move on. And then in actions begin discovering kindness to counter the damage of anger over time.

    But kindness isn’t always to be nice more often it’s to allow things to move on at times.

    Not everything can be mended by your own hands and some things are to be left to regrow into something new and beyond your new life.

    Just the way it works at times.

  16. DENISE says:

    Mahalo 4 ur wordz. dey r very caressing.

  17. Bob says:

    Thanks for these wonderful and wise words. I was looking for ways to deal with anger, not specifically anything about Taoism, but this really made me interested in learning more about it.

  18. Cody klassen says:

    I just wanted to say thank you :) best advice I have had now I can begin to heal I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted to a new me I have to just let it all go and live for the now and you just made my life feel more filling and want to try to be a better person so am super greatfull for this peice of advice

  19. @Bob & @Cody: I am honored what was written about anger here has helped you both release the weight of anger you held before.

    All too many people get trapped by anger in this culture. It can be released. My father’s life was shaped and limited by anger, and from that he taught me how to release anger. I am grateful for the lesson.

    Not everyone gets it, since once you let anger define you, it’s harder to release as it feels like you are letting go of something else from your own center. But anger is never the center of anyone’s life, it merely is a path of destruction over time.

  20. Cat says:

    Thank you so much. I have come to realize that reacting to anger and frustration have only served to draw more of it into my life and circumstances. As you say, almost all of it is counter-productive and serves no healthy purpose. Now I am on a quest to find ways to dispel that energy and allow healing to take place. Dealing with this is my first step, and I appreciate your help.

  21. @Cat: Yes frustration if resisted serves to create deeper anger later.

    Releasing it opens up new opportunities to move around or even solving the issues creating the frustration in the first place.

    Don’t hesitate to ask further questions as you continue to grow from this process. You will be amazed at what opportunities it can then open up.

  22. Frans says:

    Your answers are not strange to me and I consider myself as a lucky guy and enjoy helping others. Still frustrations are the one thing hard to control or to avoid because they’re not as easily to recognize as they have not the grandeur as the wolf or the lion but sneak upon us like hyena’s in the night. I belief your doing good work Casey
    From Holland (Europe) Namaste

  23. @Frans: You are right about frustration being a major sticking point.

    One trap from frustration comes when one is tired. If tired then when frustration hits, a person acts automatically with that tiredness.

    So for many people this means frustration becomes the release for lashing out with older anger style habits that their parents or teachers lashed out to them within tiredness.

    Old habits come back stronger when tired.

    So a simple solution is to be well rested when dealing with something you know will frustrate you.

    Or if frustrated and tired, quickly notice the tiredness and then always pause upon feeling frustration to give yourself a breath or too to re-collect oneself.

    Often it takes a while to learn new habits so you have to pace yourself to the learning processes you are within when releasing anger.

    To not let frustrations backslide you into older habits.

    Strangely you can use frustration as a notification point in your learning process to help learn where you need to concentrate. So you can focus and RELAX more into your newer path / tools.

  24. Frans says:

    It’s so obvious that I missed it. Being the functional type pushing to hard at times is tiresome and thats where I need to stop. Thanks it’ll realy help.

  25. Mel says:

    Casey,
    Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom here. I booked marked this page 2 years ago and have come back to it since. I am finally in a place in my life to be able to see my feelings of anger clearly and your words have given me guidance on how to move on from it. I feel a sense of peace and hope after re-reading your page. Thank you very much.

  26. @Mel: Thank you truly.

    You honor me by sharing this back to me.

    Helping so many people, yet I see so little of the reflections from the help I give. So I appreciate this very much.

    It helps me know when I am on the right track of how to say thing to better help others.

  27. Ned says:

    Casey,
    Thank you for all your comments. I have found it very difficult to forgive my mother. Her abuse and criticism many years ago hurt me very badly. At times now when I make a mistake, my anger at myself sounds as if I am replaying her voice in my head. How can I let go of the voices inside? Perhaps through disidentification?

  28. @Ned: I would recommend working with a counselor who works with anger directly.

    When something is looping over and over again, it helps to having an outside person help give some tools and reflection to help you break out of the loop. Having a person physically / verbally work with you helps to break those loops and is worth the few sessions over the struggling against something repeatedly.

  29. Clare says:

    My problem is… that I feel if I let go of the anger then they get away with their bad behavior.. I know it harms me, I’m experiencing that. But, it’s so hard for me to think about releasing when I know that the person I feel anger for will feel like, “ha…I got away with it.”

  30. @Clare: That is a judgement. Then the judgement will force it to evolve into that very situation.

    If you approach it with clearer boundaries, clearer communication often you can get better results.

    Since you are not expanding upon the bad behavior in question it is not possible to help give guidelines to how to change the situation.

    If you are dealing with children, then I suggest you read this book “Setting Limits with your strong willed child

    If you are dealing with a partner then perhaps its time for a new partner that respects you rather than being with a person who’s actions reinforces bad behavior. Not all relationships are positive, nor is it reasonable to expect you can fix all relationships to be positive. At times you simply must acknowledge the difference in chemistry and simply move on.

    It all changes depending on the dynamics at play. But seek to establish mutual respect (without judgement nor force). If respect isn’t possible then that’s the area you get to experiment within and then try to find the interactions that can generate respect. Part of this is being willing to always push and improve communication and support actions.

    At the baseline, is always remembering to support yourself: if you can’t respect yourself, you will get frustrated and then angry also because others will always take advantage of your own lack of respect.

  31. Clare says:

    Thank you, Casey. I am talking about a partner and I am working on the mutual respect option. Thank you for reminding me to respect myself..what I need to reinforce also.

  32. John says:

    Casey,
    I’ve been having problems lately on how to deal not my own anger, but other’s. I am currently in school and its full of anger, fear and frustration that is “surrounding” my ch’i in negativity. I’m trying to increase my awareness, and that will come in time, but how does one deal with others who are on a path of fear and hate? This surly is a test of my control, and I don’t always “win” those self-control battles, but I do try to learn from them. So how does one deal with the constant surroundings of anger and fear(and demands from others said in a “cold hearted” way)?
    -John

  33. @Clare: You are welcomed. Helping a partner isn’t easy since usually it isn’t your role to be a teacher to a partner. It’s an unbalanced power relationship. So to become a teacher can easily destroy a relationship over time. So be careful of that.

  34. @John: Don’t let another person’s frustration or anger define you. It isn’t your anger so you release that. If you see a person being frustrated, then help them resolve the source of the frustration is it is a graceful or simple thing to do.

    Of course many times, a person needs to learn their own lesson, so you learn to release personally other people’s anger/frustration so it doesn’t build up in you. So many times and move around it when simple assistance isn’t welcomed.

  35. Greg Hinds says:

    – They say that truth is stranger than fiction!

    Master Casey said: “80 to 90% of anger is based upon lies! Why give up your own power to such lies?”

    – Truer words might be difficult to find.

    Thank you Master Casey!

  36. @Greg: I am glad what I have written has helped, and thank you for the compliment.

    Peace through Acceptance in your path.

    sincerely
    casey

  37. judith Manderson says:

    having a problem releasing anger at myself I’m writing about it but getting stuck in the past. My anger is stopping me from moving on and is such a burden. It’s old news. I will keep writing about and hopefully come up with a resolution. I want to move on so much.

  38. @Judith: After having helped many people work and resolve out anger, the most important step I find is removing judgement from one’s life.

    Of course there are often specific ways for each person in how best to apply non judgement. So this one statement: “remove non judgement” will play out in countless manners and hence all the different anger management techniques.

    So any resolutions you make, remember to do so without judgement and focus the resolutions in a manner to help you also reduce your own judgement and how you handle other people’s judgement.

  39. Clayton says:

    Thank you Casey and all previous posters. This entry along with your answers to people’s specific situations has helped me back on the right path.

    I often find that I am now at the point that I know what the solution is in many instances when I begin to feel anger or frustration but have a hard time overcoming the old habits of immediately resorting to anger. I find that it often takes me time to overcome the initial reaction and adopt the peaceful solution I knew I should have in the beginning. Thus, I spend a lot of time apologizing for my initial, hasty reactions…

  40. @Clayton: At times in anger management the hardest thing to do, is skip out, jump out, stop the old patterns that automatically takes a person into rage, anger and conflict.

    So when feeling frustration: you have a brief moment to act. When feeling frustration -> start a new pattern, Breathe, say out loud “Kala” which means “To bring into the light” or some other phrase that helps your release frustration, that feeling stuck… to derail the old pattern and then begin figuring out new options.

    You are doing this, by apologizing for a hasty reaction you are training your mind to get out of the old default patterns. Granted this is after you reacted still, but with time, you can pull this moment to be sooner and sooner and eventually happen before the anger.

    Be strong, you are on your path to releasing your anger.

  41. Shervorne Smith says:

    Hi Casey, I have read all the responses. Over the years while I was I child I was physically and verbally abused by my siblings since my mothers passing. Since then when I was 8 when she died I became an comfort eater. After that I started acting the way my siblings would lash out on me on other people when I am angry. I am in a stable relationship and also expecting. My fiance has a child as wel from his previous relationship and when he says something or makes a suggestion I just loose control. So far anger had brought me nowhere and it is really damaging my relationship. I need help to get rid of this disease. Otherwise it is over for my relationship due to the things I say when I am angry. Pls help

  42. Shervorne Smith says:

    My fiance is also showing a cold shoulder towards me because he is fed up already. I really want to stop with this anger before it’s too late.

  43. @Shervorne: Because of the abuse you experienced as a child, I would suggest contacting a counselor who specializes in recovering from abusive situations.

    Abuse is when others take your power from you. Your lashing out is a reflection of how you feel your power is being taken away from you. So you lash out at your Fiance in an unconscious effort to keep your power.

    The only true path to recovering from abuse is release. So you are right if you don’t get the anger under control your fiance will leave in response. But it isn’t the anger that is the problem, the anger is a reflection of the deeper issues pushing you. It is recovering from the abuse, and that is going to take patience, time and finding your own person confidence again.

    I don’t work with abuse recovery, So I do suggest finding a counselor who specializes in working in abuse recovery.

  44. Shervorne Smith says:

    Okay. I will definately do so. So that I can become a happier person! Thank you

  45. roman says:

    Hi,Casey I’m very grateful to finally meet a real teacher, father whom I can ask some questions.
    1.Why is so many hidden attacks of anger from people who you think they’re your friends?I was attacked by one and this one was a vampire.
    Thank you for your energy.Roman from Slovenia

  46. @Roman: yes some people do drain and take more than they give.

    The problem is too many people try to force relationships to be about friendship, to be about more than what is required between two people to keep things moving ahead smoothly.

    Many relationships should just be kept at a lower level of acquaintanceship rather than trying to force it to be a friendship.

  47. roman says:

    Thanks a lot,thats open some space.
    Namaste

  48. tera says:

    hi Casey
    i am experiencing strong feelings of anger towards the upstairs neighbors. it is like this: now over six months we are putting up with their subwoofer real loud. i asked twice and explained how this is affecting me and i am worried how this is affecting my small children (2 and 3 years old)who are still taking afternoon naps which are short and they wake up cranky. After i spoke to them they pumped up the volume. I called the police but there is nothing they can do until 10 p.m.. the neighbors son is a policeman so they turn off the bass at 10 p.m.. Sometimes they listen to the radio all day long and it is making me angry, sick, nervous… very negative. I am aware of that fillings but i am sure that i am suppressing them. We are looking for solutions like moving away but this takes time and i am afraid that i am subconsciously participating in war that i will not win. i am thankful for any advise, or solution for transforming my negative emotions towards my neighbors. thank you from bottom of my heart. tera

  49. Tera: it isn’t easy living in community where everyone has different ideals.

    The simplest solution is just to find a new place.

    The hardest solution to work against the noise that sets off the rage and judgement. To work against every time you feel your blood pressure going up to ironically flip that around and relax against it.

    The middle solution is to talk and find middle ground. But that solution seems ruled out since it is obvious both sides have soured to each other.

    So while you work at leaving, practice relaxing every time you feel the anger, sick, nervous, negative… use those feelings as cues to relax ever more deeply into your own self. Very hard to do, but if done, transformative and powerful. So work against that edge by relaxing against it.

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