How to Stop Hating Someone

I got this statement today from a person trying to sort out some feelings:

I have a real hate for this person, and it makes me feel bad.

 

If we feel hate: it means that something or someone is actively diminishing us. We do feel bad when feeling hate, for the very reason that an active problem is present and it requires our attention to resolve! Hate is not an emotion to bottle up: to do so is very dangerous as it means you are bottling up an extremely negative process. Holding hate is something most people cannot do safely, and it quickly ends up re-projecting outward to then hurt those innocent around us.

Hate

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What is Hate?

Hate is a composite emotion.

It’s Judgement Directing Anger

A deeper part of the problem is that anger itself is another composite emotion which is often a mix consisting of frustration and survival.

With this information, it now becomes possible to work against hate from several different angles.  The high-level process is:  when feeling hate: it’s time to begin a process of release. Since hate is a composite emotion, you can focus on the sub-elements first rather than the entirety of hate. For most people to work on the final entangled feelings are too complicated, and it quickly becomes a process of spinning around the issues rather than dealing directly with the roots of the problem. By focusing on the individual sub-elements, you can quickly unravel the hate all together.

  • Release the judgments driving the feelings of anger.
  • To move on with our own life without attachment to where our feelings of hate arise.
  • Use Spiritual Jiu-jitsu to create different perspectives on your interpersonal interactions.
  • Sometimes being compassionate is to walk away without saying anything. At times no answer is the best answer.
  • Take the time to focus releasing the anger itself.

As you work against each smaller problem, keep your awareness open so you can learn more about the nature of the feelings. As the process unfolds, you will get more information which you can further use to unravel the source of the hate. When an issue still keeps coming back, then fully release the source of the problem. With this awareness, you can spot the sub-elements feeding into the feelings of hate and more precisely work on your healing process.

How to Stop Hating SomeoneHate makes us want to fight, yet many times the fight is trying to stop the fight. That itself is a hard lesson, especially when the person who we might feel hate towards, actively clings back, inflicts pain on us or is attacking us. If we walk away, we give no target to be attacked, and the fight ends. So the real lesson is to release fully.

Angles of Hate

Since hate is a composite of judgment and anger, many new side issues twist into existence with the hate. These issues are secondary problems to the real deeper issues at play. As a result, dealing with surface issues may do nothing in helping a person overcome hate. Remember to focus on any components based on judgments, feeling frustration or of anger.

For example often “hate” involves an imbalance in a relationship. What happens when some parts of the relationship help a person and other parts of the relationship are harmful? This would be the classic love/hate relationship.  Relationship inbalances usually evolve out from judgments twisting the relationship out of balance. Some examples

  • Older judgments from previous relationships
  • Abuse from the past
  • Family issues from how we were raised by our parents

To initially only treat the imbalance, rather than the older issues, ironically will just keep the love/hate relationship spinning. Instead, it’s a question of how you resolve out the lower level judgment and anger that is undermining the relationship.

Understand hate is a powerful emotion, (powerful enough to destroy nations as WWII showed) Hate exists for a reason, it’s an unconscious reaction to lash out at what seems to be harming or diminishing us. Hate isn’t something to ignore, or you can hope will go away. Unfortunately, you need to actively work at releasing this poison when it’s found digging into your soul.

Releasing Hate

The true lesson to learn about hate isn’t to reflect that feeling of destruction back out, but instead to release judgments in a kind and gentle manner to grow from.

Many times the best way to be kind is to walk away without attachments and commitment, to leave as little behind for the reflection of hate to work against you. Sometimes others will push anger to conflict, and we have to be ready to deal with such conflict also.

When encountering hate, examine the feelings surging in your core being. In smaller steps work to heal the damage, pain, anger, frustration, and judgments in play. If it isn’t possible to release the root aspects where the hate is stemming from, then release the full package by moving on with your life. The world is a vast place with many answers; you won’t help anyone stuck trying to fix a problem you aren’t in a position to resolve positively.

In other words, hate can never be held: release hate, or it destroys the heart where it resides. Keeping to this emotion, only leaves destruction. Hate is anger’s second to the last step in the march of personal destruction.

So when feeling pangs of hate, be acutely aware and work towards discovering release, Being human we all will have felt this emotion at some point in our life, But also find it’s a lesson in how to release towards a better life.

Soul Work

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Additional Anger, Crisis and Emotional Support Reading Materials

For Professional Assistance Releasing Anger

Julie and I teach from a wide collection of tools that will help you find peace and release anger. Often addressing deeper truths require outside assistance to gain new angles that resolve out the internal conflict a person is holding. We teach you how to release judgments that hold you back and then flare up later in rage. We work with Taoist and shamanic tools that add in a grounded spiritual component to anger management.

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gabrielle

Hi – I am a 62 year old, 30 years in psychotherapy and psychiatric care. I was physically and emotionally abused and neglected as a child. I have worked hard on forgiving my parents, but this has left me empty inside. The hatred I felt for them fueled me to do many things that were important to me. Now I search but cannot find anything to do or care about.

Your list is, well, pretty common sense. What can you tell me that stops me from being a casualty of my own life?

Any comments appreciated.

Gabrielle.

First Lady

I am a Pastors wife and from being in the ministry and honestly being abused by the people in our co gregarious has caused me to have such a dark heart and a state of depression. Not to mention my parents suck and I have “friends” but not really anyone who I can be brutally honest with! Being screwed by people who love you one minute and then hate you the next is so damaging to a person emotional state that it can destroy you. That’s kind of where I am! Hate is controlling me , and this is not… Read more »

Lovelytony22

I find hatred to be an emotional disease. Sometimes there is no reasonable motive behind the hate… The hater has a problem to fix. However, there is none who doesn’t have enemies.

Carm

Hello, I appreciate this article and having been able to discover this site. I hope to be in contact to hopefully gain some deeper heading. But I will get on with my issue now… I noticed a similar situation that posted in 2010. I was unable to find many suitable answers from therapists, counselors, friends, and other services and stories I saw posted online. So, I am hoping to find guidance here. I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We have overcome quite a bit as many do who are in a relationship. We have one large issue that… Read more »

Alice

I hate my 10 year old step sister so much… my dad kicked me out of my bedroom and moved her into it because I stay at my mums most of the time. Now I have her old room which is really small. Before he kicked me out, I had been in that room for about 10 years. She is always rude and walks around like she’s a princess. I know an aspect of it is jealousy but I can’t move on from this because it feels like my dad is making more of an effort with her than he… Read more »

Ann

That is really sad to hear- I hope you have a adult family member or school counselor you can talk to – I wish I had words to comfort you –

BAP

I am struggling with the girlfriend of my daughter’s father. I do not know her well, even though they have been together for three years and have a child together. She has never talked to me, and my daughter’s father goes to great lengths to prevent us from communicating. They are not married, yet my daughter comes home and relays to me that this woman told her she is her step-mom. At 3, this seems to confuse my daughter. She seemed worried that I wasn’t her mother anymore, or that she had two mommies. This isn’t the first time this… Read more »

mj

Hi, I really hope you read this comment and answer it. I’m so sorry for my poor English!! I hate somebody of my relatives because he belittled me once in front of the whole family which made me feel really bad at that time and makes me feel ashamed whenever I remember that day; this person always makes fool of me & I always forget about it for I think that’s all nonsense!… I really really hate him that I feel I want to spit in his face; but the only reason which stops me is that I’m not rude!!!… Read more »

Karen Sardella

Hi MJ?: I too have hated!, Knowing in my heart that I am not supposed to, a per being a Christian! I do not understand how people can have no feeling as to hurt someone else to the point that they hate you!!!! But something I realized that if I do not let them in they can not hurt or make me feel a certain way!, HATE!!!! Many times people, both men, women, and children are angry or hateful or are living a life of misery, which in return may send them to people like you?! They hate themselves, their… Read more »

Steph

I’m leaving a comment on here because I suppose I’m wanting to feel less alone and more heard, even if it’s by a stranger; My current state of woundedness is making me self-focused in a way it seems. I say that through hurting so much and being so unresolved for awhile its almost all I feel every day and am a little desperate to find some support and care and relief- to have space to speak openly. For a long time I have I felt neglected. This feeling of feeling neglected without a means to resolve it makes me feel… Read more »

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