How to Become Someone New
I was asked today for advice or a book on how to help a person work through transformation.
The first interesting thing in the question was the person didn’t tell me anything about their transformation at hand. Often when a person calls out for help, they are so shaken by the process of change, they cannot even think logically anymore. Transformation isn’t a logical process. It’s a jumping-off of life’s path or tracks into a new place. It’s a very disorientating situation.
The second aspect of the question was the hope of a simple book to use in guidance. Strangely, people give up their power by trying to follow other people’s guides to transformation. The reason for this is simply because people are afraid of the unknown.
Let’s turn this around and help show you a path towards a graceful life transformation.
Structure, experience, and help are the keys to a clean and smooth transformation in life.
We can provide all three: a framework with experience to help you change into a better person. We teach over the Phone & Skype around the world. We also arrange direct personal sessions & retreats in Hilo Hawaii. All sessions are by appointment only.
We will help you discover graceful solutions.
Each person is a unique puzzle; it isn’t as if a single book has your name on it for the perfect path. I work with each person very differently to assist them in crossing thru many different angles of a life transformation process. I strive to help each person find the best path that matches their spirit and heart.
For example, I wrote A Personal Tao book to share part of my journey in transformation and to help others. I wrote it in a generalized manner, but even in this, it won’t perfectly be a guide for the masses, but only those in a similar place of mind and situation that I was in at that time.
Understand that becoming someone new is a very personal process hence Personal Tao.
While guides like myself exist, you also must learn how to refine your shape of life around you.
In this, trust your smile, learn how to release judgment, to open up the options that best match your spirit. The process isn’t easy since it requires a person to test their boundaries and initiate growth. A life transformation is always a laborious process for any person. People seek books and resources to make that more comfortable, but those very same resources limit you to another person’s path also. You can get clues from such materials, but in the end, it’s about making the journey your own.
Truths About Crisis
Transformation and crisis are two sides of the same coin.
Life Transformation is Isolating
A life transformation is often the first time a person is “truly” and fully connected to themselves. So the process disconnects a person from other people. Big life changes are a very overpowering place to be within.
Know when feeling in this manner. You are not alone; many are experiencing the very same process, and that countless others are in the same place you are.
It’s OK to be “alone” since this process is all about coming to terms with your truth. Don’t rush to fill in the empty feeling with other people. Spend some time with yourself.
Be Careful of Helping Others
People in change often have a deep desire to reach out and aid others. But here is the secret that must be embraced:
No matter how many other people you are kind to, no matter how many people you might save or help discover “harmony”.
You will never discover balance, never resolve out your life transformation until you make some time for yourself.
So to people in the turmoil of great change, remember this simple truth:
Be kind to yourself also.
The Path to Becoming Someone New
Humans desire form so much that when in the middle of a transformation, people fumble and grasp out to the nearest form that seems to fit. They then apply that form to be their new template for living.
In reality: transformation is the freedom to re-shape yourself. It isn’t required to use another form to overlay on top of yourself. It might be easier to do so. However, this carries the risk of shaping yourself into something you won’t be happy with later.
So be careful when reading solutions to a life crisis, whatever it might be since it also has the potential to force you into changes you may not want or need.
In reality, I would say the steps of transformation as I teach it are
- Practices to explore one’s nature.
- Repeat 1-3 in several iterations. (Which equals patience)
- Relaxation into self
- You are now in a place where you worked most of the issues holding you back. Please note: never try to solve all your problems at once. Otherwise, new problems will creep in to fill the void.
- Move ahead with yourself in wonder and enjoyment.
Not many people are interested in taking the time to explore their life fully: most people like to stay in the stories they know already. I help people work through a midlife crisis by turning the crisis around and using the change to become your potential: over some pre-defined consumer fling event.
It’s a choice everyone has.
Awareness is essential for this process. Without awareness, people react and grasp the closest pattern/form that fits their life to stop the pain. Without awareness, transformation occurs blindly, with little control of the final form. Sadly for too many people, this represents the various “flings” that break things apart more than heal.
Eight Tips to Transformation
- Others might say statements to hurt you. Such statements will not be true and are part of their process of either breaking away from you or trying to control you. Don’t judge or internalize most things you’ll hear from others. Everything other people say will be a reflection of them, not you. Yes, you can learn from what others say, but use what others say with modesty.
- Release judgments of failure! What matters is how you will move ahead in becoming someone you can be proud of. Judgment traps a person to the past, to one’s failures. Judgment is an anchor that will prevent a person from becoming someone new.
It is an emotional process to release your judgments. You have to be kind to yourself to allow for the time to release being hard on yourself. It takes three months to process an emotion (compared to 3 seconds to process thought). It’s a slower process we have to account for if a person is to change later in life successfully.
- Stabilize your life. This is where you are now. For the first three months, Julie and I spend much of the time working to ensure you don’t overreact or create worse problems for yourself later. Take time to catch up to the newer realities you face emotionally.
- Simplify your life. As everything sorts out over the next six months, it becomes time to remove anything that doesn’t help you. Overall the simpler you make life now, the less work later you will have to push through in your own development.
- Play a little. A person will need to relax and test new ideas out slowly. However, relaxing at a time of crisis is hard; the feeling of panic overcomes even strong people as they look ahead and realize they don’t have everything they need to survive. Fear undercuts us at this point in life, so we need to counteract fear. Play and exercise are two potent tools to counteract fear and uncertainty. I will often ask new students in this situation to explore yoga, a martial art, or qi gong and ask them to play while doing these exercises. Ironically to do these exercises will get you involved with other people. The exercise will help channel your frustration and fear away. You will play and see things in a new light. You will meet new people and open up opportunities. Play is about expansion, and in that expansion, opportunity follows.
- Use your current job to help you change. At some point, I help a person examine what is going on in their work or situation. We want to change up old habits. To learn any important lessons now and not to repeat any bad patterns in your future jobs.
- After play comes experimentation, experimentation is the focusing of ideas that came out of play. The fact is no new idea/connection is going to be perfect. It will require tinkering and experimentation to fit into your life. This whole process shakes life around a bit. In the shaking new elements will come into focus that you can’t outguess. So steps 2 thru 5 represents you buying time to let other newer elements come into your life. Steps 6 and 7 are active steps to start, then living a new life. These new experiences will be the seeds for more unexpected ideas and connections that will be critical later in completing the overall transformation process in your life.
- So many more little things, but at first, let’s concentrate on these earlier elements. Once you are stronger, we will begin helping build out deeper independence and self-reliance.
Play Turns Crisis into Transformation
One aspect of becoming someone new is play.
Play is a critical part of any transformation
If you look at Taoist Masters, for example, they are a very happy bunch, always experimenting and exploring by playing around in life. I know too many people who can’t play, or who stop playing because they are an “adult.”
Play is about testing and exploring possibilities in life. When you’re transforming, you are changing, becoming something new. If you don’t play while in the middle of a transformation, then the chances are you will revert to what you already were, since you didn’t take the time to play and work out new options for your life.
I had a wonderful long conversation about play last night. Some people assume playing is a light happy thing. Play can have dark aspects to it. If you ever watch children play, sadly they can be quite cruel at times with their play. When exploring life, a person needs to examine various dark and light aspects of their being to be whole. Play can cross these boundaries and play can often touch the darker places safely compared to acting out the negative character of one’s nature in real life. Think about how violent some sports can be in their “play”. Perhaps this is one reason why Western culture has such a high crime rate: people aren’t given enough safe ways to explore life in play as adults.
Adults tend to bury, repress or forget about play. Even worse society takes away play from adults, forcing them to work and complete the status quo. Not being able to play reinforces a person into getting stuck when they reach a life transformation moment.
Lack of a playful attitude is often the most critical part of life missing in a life transformation. So then later when a person lets loose, like buying that red sports car or performing more extreme actions, their transformation gets channeled in ways which are now destructive. Most destructive paths could have been avoided if a person was able to start with smaller changes within play.
Play helps a person move smoothly through their life changes. Remember to play more when you are changing in life!
Becoming Someone New is Always a Personal Process.
When finding guides or resources to help you, make sure that they respect your heart and nature. This is most especially true in books that contain static and fix states of mind. As powerful as any book can be, in the end, all books are still limited, by (1) how they were written, and (2) by how you the reader judges it.
Becoming a new person is about jumping your tracks in life, no book can cover all the variations of problems you now face. While a smile and an open heart are always limitless in the opportunities that you can find to solve problems at hand.
The first step is then this: trust to the smile and open heart, then be aware that all around you: from, books, events, actions, people are the tidbits you need to assemble your take-off and path for your transformation at hand.
Transformation is Hard to Share
I received this wonderful statement from a friend:
I’ve been trying to let others know about the ‘transformation’ and they don’t get it … so I will just Live it!
The curious thing is after a person transforms; it’s such a profound process, the first desire is always to share. It’s a natural urge to share change since it’s a wondrous process, one which gives a person a deep clarity of life. The sharing is natural as part of testing the boundaries and nature of one’s change relative to how others see you.
Strange isn’t it? To go through a process that makes everything clear, to discover a fuller life only to discover on average, you cannot share your change. Now, this is due to many many reasons. But it comes down to the truth we already talked about in that life transformation is personal.
So many people, after becoming someone new, often try to push their transformation to others. This is always a path towards conflict, which then would cause you to lose your inner peace.
I smiled when my friend sent me the statement because the truth is 100% correct in that you just have to live it :).
It’s in the living of your change you share change.
Life isn’t About the Path Most Trampled (Traveled)
Unfortunately, the fear of facing the unknown is what causes people to hurt themselves. Rather than change into something unknown, people will choose pain or harmful options that they know rather than risk the unknown.
I work with change, teach how to transform. Transformation can come from the outside. Typically when change comes from the outside of the soul, people resist and fight change. This makes sense; change is often painful and represents a lot of work towards dealing with the unknown.
Most people don’t handle the unknown gracefully.
They instead fill the unknown with fears and monsters…
Change, when personal, often means that a person resists direct outside help since the change is personal. People will read self-help materials from a distance which feels safer.
A Story From Life
A friend was looking back at a partner who ran away and commented:
I wished that he’d seeked some help rather than just leaving the way he did…
When sorting out what happened to another person. Do take a moment to understand it not from your own heart but from the other perspective for a moment. Especially in a midlife crisis, which is all about a person facing the unknown to become a new person.
It can be challenging for someone in a midlife crisis (or any crisis) to ask for help because of the very nature of turning inward (or the process of running away from themselves). It’s part of the psychological of the inward transformation. Often the more you try to help from the outside, the more you force a person to go in the opposite direction to retain the focus of their transformation.
It’s what it is, a deep part of human nature. Understand to work against transformation opens bigger disasters later. Instead, you have to work with the energy of the given situation as much as possible.
In the aftermath, we are often left wishing for answers. After a long period of soul-searching, we even let go of answers, such as my friend saying:
Anyway I guess I’ll never know why he did what he did.
As an outsider, we are often left to look at the wreckage of what transpired, looking at the broken pieces of life strewn about in a frenzy to tear away restrictions and pains.
People look for answers, answers to explain everything, but the answers are never complete, and worse, they are never full. All the answers feel hollow because they don’t fill the void that is left behind. In the end, all a person is left with are stories of what happened. Stories, so many stories carelessly cast about.
In the end, the best answer is no answer.
This gives you the most freedom to be yourself without issues. In the aftermath of change, the people involved are upon new paths.
Embrace Your New Life Story
To restrict oneself to only a single story is to hide many truths from our life.
The search for our stories represents art, our soul, our endeavor to paint out what we saw.
At some point, we also must embrace release. Dropping the need for an answer is the first step to true release.
Understand and discover this isn’t about the path most trampled (traveled). It’s about your path, which is still virgin, unknown, and to be explored. That means not having an answer because we go into virgin territories for new answers rather than old past gone stories.
This is the start of a new life, so much joy in embracing becoming someone new!
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