We get asked every day: Can you help my husband or wife in a midlife crisis? You have come to the right place.

This article is for all partners and spouses of midlifers: married or unmarried, separated or together. We’ve helped thousands of individuals successfully navigate a complicated midlife crisis more gracefully.

Because you’re here, you’ve most likely already experienced confusing moments and contradictions from your partner. You may also feel powerless. Working together we will help you reclaim power as well as find peace and answers.

First, helping partners and spouses in a midlife crisis is a process that requires patience, acceptance, and time. There isn’t a single answer but we will help you find answers specific to your situation and the unique relationship you have with your spouse.

Second, the more you restrain the midlife process with expectations and limitations, the less likely it is to become a positive growth experience for you, your partner, and your relationship. Instead, we will help you define and maintain clear and healthy boundaries.

If you’re ready to start now, we recommend watching the above video we created first. If questions arise or you think you could use additional support please contact us to schedule a private session via phone/Zoom.

We teach via Phone & Zoom in fifteen countries. In-person retreats are also available in Kona, Hawaii.

All sessions are by appointment only.

Receive support to find answers and create a better relationship!

Contact Us

Helping Partners Change

Your partner is changing. We all change and everyone needs to be able to shift with life. What makes this process difficult for many partners is that midlife crises may force you to change too, often before you’re naturally ready.

When both you and your partner are changing, life gets more complicated. Every aspect of the relationship: workloads, expectations, and family support structures are tested and shifted.

The act of helping partners shifts the questions we ask.

  • Are you ready to change?
  • How much are you willing to change to balance out the situation?
  • In changing to help your partner, are you hurting yourself?

Just because your partner is transforming doesn’t mean you have to. Chances are, no matter how you handle this situation, you will discover yourself in a new light. However, helping a husband or wife in a midlife crisis becomes a process of helping yourself make good changes too.

An Insight:

Don’t take your spouse’s change personally.

This is a moment where the balance of your relationship is changing. Don’t resist the changes rather learn how to use the changes to improve your situation.

Because the process forces you to change also, as partners, we often take midlife crisis personally. We often impose our judgment, fears, and desires upon our partner. In doing this, you can accelerate the process, often to accelerate your husband away from you. After all, in trying to define their change in your terms, you can easily force them further away from their change.

You can work on your change within this process, but be sensitive to how you share your fears with your husband. They’re in a delicate state of mind. It takes a slight misstep to hit a mine in a minefield. Likewise, it’s too easy to step on explosive issues within your partners’ hidden internal process. Issues that are coming to the surface as the midlife crisis stirs up the spirit.

The process of helping partners takes patience, awareness, and kindness.

We change side by side, not in lockstep with those we love. Discover how to grow in the love of becoming more!

What is Midlife Crisis?

If your partner is truly in the middle of a midlife crisis, then it has the potential to become a time when you are living in a falling house of cards.

Think about an earthquake for a second, when the earth changes and rocks. You don’t stand in the middle of the house in an earthquake, hoping the house will protect you. You run for the door to either stand outside of the house or in a doorway to protect yourself from falling debris. After the earthquake is over, you can go back in and fix the house.

A person experiencing a midlife crisis is being shaken apart by an earthquake of the soul. Little stable ground exists inside them to act as support at such a time of inner shift.

Some counseling tips in helping partners.

  1. Help shift the crisis into transformation. A crisis is about breaking, the more you re-enforce crisis, the more likely your relationship will break from the crisis. Instead, approach this as a process of transformation. Transformation isn’t about breaking; it’s about change. If you help your partner transform, it helps smooth out the breaking aspects of change, and you will have a higher likely hood of being able to repair any relationship problems as a result.
  2. Don’t hold on too tightly to your husband. The harder you hold on to them, the more likely their change will break you in reflection, or cause inner turmoil for yourself to be set off. Also, the harder you hold to them, the more you reinforce the crisis and inner earthquake aspects of the process. Hold on enough to keep yourself and other family members together. Hold on enough to help balance your relationship as required, but not too much to take the brunt of their lashing out.
  3. Since a partner is in part a reflection of ourselves, you will have to find peace in shifting also. Otherwise, you will internalize the stress and take on pain of the midlife crisis yourself. It will be equally important for you to be extra pro-active in your health practices and look towards movement practices such as yoga, exercise, or Qi Gong to help re-establish your equilibrium.

A little help goes a long way in solving relationship problems.

Who is Your Partner Now?

All preconceived expectations quickly disappear in this state, and a person can shift moods, emotional state, and personality very quickly and unexpectedly at this time.

The husband you thought you knew, is not who they are now.

In effect, you are with a younger person rediscovering and re-establishing themselves.

Helping partners at this stage requires you to recognize and give space to this newer person waking up.

In effect, you have three relationships at once! One with the person you knew, one with a person experiencing crisis and one with the new personality growing out from the crisis! This is why marriages often fail in Midlife Crisis. Most marriages are based on expectations and memories of the past. Midlife Crisis re-shifts and changes all the rules, as the person is in transition. Their desires and definitions are shifting as they change in the crisis! As a result, marriages can and do break. The simplest way to help to prevent this is not to base your marriage on expectation or the past. Helping partners require us to be forward thinking, to make new rules for the marriage and help discover a new partnership in exchange.

For many people, this can be a chance to re-vitalize their partnership/marriage!

But by definition to re-vitalize, it will mean to drop old expectations, truly shift and jump into something new!

Also, be very aware, you may not like the new person evolving from the crisis. While we can help mold a person slightly at this time, the more you do so, the more you actually can hurt yourself and them in the long term. Trying to mold a person at this stage just introduces new problems to be dealt with later in life.

The stories of a midlife crisis, are often that the person in crisis will leave the marriage or relationship. It should be noted; it’s as equally valid that at times it might for you to consider leaving the relationship because you are not compatible with the new person your partner is becoming.

Embracing Kindness

In this whole process: Kindness is one key step which I teach. Kindness is important for everyone involved. In helping partners transform, don’t forget to be kind to yourself.

Take care of yourself!

Don’t jump in to save your partner until you are truly ready to understand and accept your problems.

It’s like when a plane is crashing, and the oxygen masks come out. You don’t place the mask on the other person first; instead, first take care of your mask, which then lets you take care of others, this is a similar situation.

One common problem is after helping a spouse change, is to take on too much pain. To take too many emotional bruises during the act of crisis can be very terrible. Don’t take on pain to a point it becomes destructive to yourself.

Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself in this process of crisis, because if you can’t take care of yourself, how can you expect to help heal another person?

When helping a spouse in crisis, unless you are ready to handle the crisis yourself, the crisis can derail your own life more than you expect due to the force of revelatory repercussions that will also come with the process.

It’s important while helping partners in kindness not to push them too hard and cause additional damage.  If this happens, you get blamed for all the problems.

Understanding Karma

In working with a crisis at times, the process is made more complicated, since, the issues being worked upon can go deep and be a result of multi-generational problems.

At times, it’s hard for anyone acting as a healer not to use their perspective to overlay upon another person. When we see a person going down a path that will hurt more, we want to help. Empathy is part of being a healer or being with someone you love. Ironically, the emotional pain can form the baseline for the healing they need.

Generational Karma

The bigger issue is that at times pain runs deeper than you might realize. Welcome to Karma coming into the picture. Karma not regarding your actions, but rather Karmic results coming from choices made from people in your family tree, this is “Generational Karma”. When Generational Karma is involved, then it’s never a straightforward business to heal. Often we have multi-generational issues happening during a midlife crisis. A midlife crisis can be a time when a person will begin to shed off family issues and problems from previous generations. Once you get into this territory, the healing process is more twisted and often passes its way through generations to resolve.

When Karma or Generational Karma is involved, people hurt themselves more for larger reasons that go beyond just them. Healing in these cases can span the spirits of several generations. Focusing help or healing upon only one person won’t directly work since it’s missing the larger picture of balance. Modern healing practices often miss dealing with Karma in their healing methods.

So be aware of Karma and multi-generational issues when helping partners.

Be careful on the timing of when you heal a person. If you heal a person before they are ready, they will often re-injure themselves or lash out at the person healing them. People will subconsciously but on purpose to re-instate the pain driving the midlife crisis process. When the pain is from generations, the wounds are deep. Just making things better at the surface can cause larger issues to surface which are more difficult to resolve if approached in the wrong manner.


 Contact Us directly for more availability and sliding scale options

Video: Husbands in Mid Life Crisis

If you need help right away, you can start here with this 30-minute video.

Understanding and Helping Partners.

Membership Perks

Gain Access to over 45 videos (including our paid videos) via our $25 Membership!

Learn how to help everyone make it through a difficult transition time.

This 30-minute video covers:

  • An overview of Mid Life Crisis: What your partner is going through.
  • Helping partners communicate more smoothly.
  • The mirror of mid-life change
  • Will my partner leave me? Steps to avoid a breakup.
  • How to work with change in your life. The rules are changing.
  • What relationship means in a mid-life crisis.
  • Helping partners by releasing judgment. The three key steps.
  • What is co-dependency and how to remove co-dependencies.
  • Don’t let other people force your choices. Breaking out of bad patterns. Considerations for children.
  • You and your partner will see issues differently. Learn how to approach this properly.
  • Release feeling guilty.
  • Helping partners in redefining friendship.
  • How to get over bad feelings.
  • The steps to move past the midlife crisis.

Midlife Relationship Resources

Contact Julie & Casey

(360) 245-6261 USA

All sessions are by appointment only.
Over Phone, Internet and In Person.

Our Happy Divorce

Our Happy Divorce: How Ending Our Marriage Brought Us Closer Together

Mindful Co-Parenting

Mindful Co-Parenting: A Child-Friendly Path through Divorce

the kickass single mom

The Kickass Single Mom: Be Financially Independent, Discover Your Sexiest Self, and Raise Fabulous, Happy Children

Spiritual Divorce

Storms Can’t Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce

Midlife Questions & Comments

More on This Topic : Midlife, Relationships
Notify of

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments

Why does it appear that men are the only ones experiencing mid life crisis? the article seems to be targeted towards women and their partners & the responses suggest similar. I’m curious as to why is there no mention of men seeking help in maintaining a relationship with women? Is midlife crisis the product of culture, social conditioning of a social system based in patriarchy?

I’ve just noticed comment by men supporting women through crisis – no disrespect meant.

My husband has turned 50. He is going through a midlife crisis. He changes his clothes not to where he used to be. My brother in-law told me to work on me to let him see what I have changed in me. Which I am doing. I don’t ask him questions about what he is doing. I do say I’m glad your home leave it at that. I still cook his meals bring him his plate. Is there anything else that I need to fix. I don’t ask him where he’s been who’s is he with. I watch what I… Read more »

We are not married we been together for 28 years he is midlife crisis 2 weeks ago he packs his clothes and got a studio that where he staying right now said he needs change always sad unhappy moping to depress, mood swings. Sometimes he is happy sometimes he is not. He said he apologizes what is going on with him and how he is handling it just know that he will always care about me than most of his family. And he said that Ed some time to re-Evaluate is the goal in life, I don’t know what to… Read more »

My husband is going through MLC for the past 4 months. He acts normal with everyone but has pushed me out of his picture almost completely. He wont hold me or be intimate with me. The only contact between us is the good night kiss (a ritual). I know he’s confiding in a female colleague and they’ve become very close. Im sure nothing has happened between them but still I feel deceited. My biggest problem is that I dont know which is the best way to be around him. Should I be normal and talk about everything like we always… Read more »

Hello- I am Vicki and my husband and I are divorcing after 32 years of marriage. He was living basically a double life while away on business trips. (Soliciting much younger woman). I found out the truth 01/20/2018. All last year I saw big changes in him- working out, personal hygiene differences, change of clothes, lack of interest in me and his family. This is serious stuff- I find myself reeling from all this and – all my hopes and dreams have been destroyed. The sad and ironic part of all this is he treats me like I did this… Read more »

I agree with above but I don’t think it’s right to validate you weren’t right for each other for the future. I have similar circumstances, but “being right for each other” is an excuse to not put in the work on a relationship.

Hi The advice is really good; I wish I could find it easier to cope and put into practice. My husband and I have been together for 20 years, with up and downs. He has bipolar and an alcoholic too. He had managed both really well until 2 years ago he hit a mid-life crisis too; he turned to drink/drugs – had an affair and had ended up such a mess social services only let him have supervised visits with our kids until he engages in a programme to get better. The affair woman is now with him and it… Read more »

My husband of 20 years moved out 4 years ago for 5 months saying he needed space. He came back, now I fear for our kids vs. our kids and me. He’s just left again, saying the same thing. He says its not about anyone else. He has to figure out how to be happy. His dad died at 52. My husband is now 55 and has wanted to move out of state. I fear that he’s blaming me for where we live. I am trying to let him have his space, but it’s so difficult; he’s not communicating with… Read more »

When I say “I fear for our kids vs. our kids and me.” I meant that I fear that he came back only for them?????

Hi there I just finished watching your video on helping your partner in MLC. It’s only been 2 weeks since my partner of 8 years told me he wanted to separate and moved out. A lot of what the video said resonated with my own feelings that I have been going through. My partner wants to break away from everything in his ‘old’ life, which includes me, but at the same time wants to keep the bond we share together. He has been a very supportive person through the darker times in my life and I want to be there… Read more »

Would love your thoughts, please comment.x