Affairs are a part of life. While in an ideal world we wouldn’t need to worry about having an affair, the world is far from ideal.

Many times, we are not in a perfect relationship. We might love a person, but love isn’t always enough to stop a person from having an affair. At times we encounter another person who has such deep chemistry with us, we cannot resist temptation. Other times, over time, changes between you and your partner cause you to need space or even the need for help from another person.

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Facing an Affair

This article will not justify affairs, nor condemn them. Instead, it’s important to accept that affairs can happen and if it does happen to you, how to then work with the situation to find a graceful answer. This article is written to help the person in the affair. If you are the partner, then start with this article for partners of affairs. The advice changes depending on timing and which side of the affair you are within. Many people try to solve affairs by bringing both partners back together too fast, while the relationship is critically fragile. The first step is triage (heal critical problems first) and helping each partner resolve out fears and communication problems, to be able to have a truly healing dialogue later.

If you come to me for help, I will never judge you, the situation or destination. I will work towards helping you find the best answers. I have seen every combination of results. I know that many times the path towards a good future can be twisted and strange. Due to the intense emotions involved in affairs, the path is never simple, and each case is unique.

Affair Dynamics

We can break down affairs into four different stages to consider:

  • Pre Affair
  • During the affair
  • Your partner discovers the affair
  • The affair becomes public

Let’s look at each case separately.

Affair

Photo By my-bohemian-spirit

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Pre Affair

If you are considering an affair, it means it’s time to take a deeper more honest look at both yourself and your current relationship. The desire to start an affair often represents being afraid to directly work with your partner or that your partner has stopped communicating with you.

Many affairs happen because a person is seeking to move past feeling stuck in their current life. The affair represents motion and new options. Affairs also represent the seeking of another person to provide comfort and finally often are an attempt to validate oneself through another person.

If you are longing towards an affair the first step is to realize that your current relationship is already having serious enough problems to end it.

Finding a counselor to help you begin work out issues is often the more graceful path to explore rather than suppressing your feelings. The problem is individuals are often blind to personal problems so they cannot spot and fix them on their own (hence the pull to an affair). Understand that an affair rarely fixes personal problems, rather affairs usually only add additional complications into the mix.

The common approach to avoid having an affair is by suppressing personal feelings. Suppression of individual feelings will always fail as an answer.

Suppression of feelings leads to:

  • Breaking down to having an affair.
  • Your emotions coming out volcanically to break your current relationship later in a much more painful manner.
  • Pent-up feelings slowly rending your heart apart to the point you spiritually die.
  • Pent-up feelings slowly tearing a person up inside, to the point they stop caring about life. Many early deaths come out of not taking care of yourself properly.

The pre-affair moment is a good wake up call to consider working on your current relationship problems. If your relationship problems cannot be resolved, then it could be time to consider leaving your relationship before starting an affair. By cleaning up your current relationship, you don’t push forward your problems into future relationships.

Most people let fear stop them from starting a conversation in repairing their current relationship. That fear will work its way into the affair and corrupt any decent chance of the affair becoming a stable relationship.

Another aspect is that people will use the affair like a drug. They have no intention of leaving their primary relationship but want to use the affair to supplement their needs.  This drug-like quality of a possible affair is very tempting. People think they can control the results. While this could work in the short term, it rarely works for the longer term. In helping clean up thousands of relationships, I find the odds are 1 in 250 times this does work. More often the case, 225 times out 250, it results in a mess.  I don’t judge here, and people do play the lottery but know your the odds aren’t in your favor.

During the Affair

The truth is sometimes the affair has to happen. Too much tension exists, or the need for freedom is so strong that a person finds themselves in a relationship with another person. Part of this attraction comes out from that fact all new relationships are relatively judgment-free still. New relationships are fresh; this opens up new experiences and kick starts the exploration of life again. The pull to live again is very irresistible. The pull to be with another person that doesn’t limit one down with judgments or measurement is intoxicating.

The only problem is this: having started a new relationship by breaking trust, this also sows the seeds of hidden judgments, judgments that will grow and circle back around to slowly eat away at your choices. A person can run only so far before having to start dealing with the very issues that created the previous set of relationship problems eating away at the earlier relationship.

The first few months of any affair, even a bad one, may feel magical, but at some point judgment and past patterns will creep back into the situation to cause most people to repeat the crisis they were trying to avoid.

Your Partner Discovers the Affair

The moment your partner discovers your affair, everything changes.  Chances are you will come into conflict with your partner.

Conflict accomplishes nothing, and in the end, judgment always results in conflict.

The strangest truth is this:

It’s possible to teach a person new ways to examine the whole situation. The midlife affair is not the primary problem. Most people living fresh from the results of the midlife affair won’t believe this statement. But this is true: What truly matters is what did you learn and how can you make changes to improve life? The past is gone, and it’s time to fix and make life strong again.

If you focus on the midlife affair, you will get stuck in the past and judgments which limit how you can grow from the situation. Learn from the affair but don’t focus on it either. The affair can be a stepping stone towards a better life for everyone if used as a stepping stone. For most people, midlife affairs become swamps of despair due to the way they linger within the past event. Such a place is not a place worth living within, so instead drain the swamp and create a new baseline to grow into a better life.

No, this whole process means being brave enough to stand up and learn from the experience. To be willing to live life honestly and not hiding away from others.

Once your partner discovers the affair, it’s time to start a dialogue and determine a path ahead.

At this point, my help is situational from case to case. I would need to talk with you directly to give advice on which path is most grateful to you and your partner. The number of options is mind-boggling. Often it takes six months to balance out both parties needs before you can find a path that truly works for both parties.

A little help goes a long way in solving relationship problems.

Your Affair Becomes Public

One of the worse moments in a person’s life is when events catch up to a person, and an affair becomes public. Most people fall back to the common tools taught to them by society to handle the after-effects of a midlife affair: anger, judgment, hate, despair, feeling wronged or feeling morally right. The post affair situation commonly ends up as an emotional battlefield.

If you are a politician or public figure

Well, this is a challenge. Politicians and public figure are held to different standards than everyone else. Even worse these standards are often contradictory and vary incredibility from case to case.

You will have to define your goals carefully and make some hard choices. No general answer will guide you now; you need a very proactive approach to navigate the shoals ahead. You will also need some outside perspective to help you navigate the shifting tides of public perception. Consistency is essential, so look ahead and try to become consistent relative to your long-term goals rather than short-term gains.

If you aren’t a politician or public figure

Once an affair becomes public, don’t hide it anymore. Don’t flaunt the affair, minimize the affair around your partner yet live more normally now. An affair becoming public also becomes the moment of reinventing yourself and taking responsibility in how you live.

How you respond will partially depend on your lifestyle and culture.

For Either Case:

You have broken trust with those around you in life. You will need to strive for consistency to rebuild trust.  People don’t trust politicians, so that means politicians get a different set of rules to play by in life. If you are a trusted public figure, you will be hit harder, and it will take longer to create a new baseline people can trust. For the average person, it means you will have to work hard with a few people that matter most to you.

You only get one chance of repairing trust. If you break trust a second time, it’s all over. It’s important to focus on your longer-term goals to be successful post affair. Many times people look for comfort in short-term solutions which set you up to break trust a second time. Expect it to take two years to get to a new stable position. Look for answers that get you past this two-year hurdle.

Often, people will reinvent themselves, which is simpler than re-establishing old trust.

If you are a person, who leads a quiet life.

For people in quiet lives, not much will change as you continue to live your quiet life, with occasional social discomfort. Push through the social awkwardness you will encounter.

If people judge you, then you may need to release those souls out of your life. Some people may stop being your friend. Remember this: a true friend will always stay by your side. Those who you thought as friends but now leave you, were never truly friends at all.

If you are person who is very active socially

You are going to have to stand up and take the hits. People are going to test you. You are going to have to establish the base answer you desire and not falter in that path. People will test you over and over again. After about two years if you stay true, most people will respect your choices.

How culture impacts this situation

I work in 15 countries. How I teach and help a person work through an affair changes quite a bit from country to country. Religious background and cultural background influences the choices and options quite dramatically. You would have to contact me directly with your questions on this aspect of working thru your affair becoming public.

Resolving Problems from the Affair

Affairs are complicated, yet people insist on making an affair a right or wrong situation. Right and wrong are judgments, and it’s important to release the labels of who is right and wrong. Many different conditions led up to the affair happening, and it’s important to work with all the elements to grow from the situation.

The core truth to handling a midlife affair is to remove judgment.

Judgment traps a person into having a midlife affair, judgments force affairs to go deeper and finally judgment creates conflicts that make affairs even messier situations than they need to be. Judgment prevents people from learning from their mistakes. Judgment after a midlife affair prevents the healing of everyone involved in the aftermath.

So to repeat, the baseline of resolving problems from a midlife affair is:

Release judgment!

When you work with me, I will help you release all the judgments in play and find peace.

The core truth to handling a midlife affair is to remove judgment.

Judgment traps a person into having a midlife affair, judgments force affairs to go deeper and finally judgment creates conflicts that make affairs even messier situations than they need to be. Judgment prevents people from learning from their mistakes. Judgment after a midlife affair prevents the healing of everyone involved in the aftermath.

So to repeat, the baseline of resolving problems from a midlife affair is:

Release judgment!

When you work with me, I will help you release all the judgments in play and find peace.

Midlife Crisis Affair Video

You can start working with me right now with this 30-minute video.

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Working with Midlife Crisis Affairs
Working with Midlife Crisis Affairs

Professional Assistance with Affairs

I have helped many people thrive in the most beautiful ways after affairs have occurred, but this only can happen if you are ready to change. Otherwise, the conditions that led to the midlife affair will only get worse, the problems will repeat, and you ensure leading a very unhappy future life.

I can help you grow and thrive. Of all the services I provide, this is the most serious and complicated one I offer. No matter what path you take: understand you will need to look to the future, not the past. You will explore personal commitments in taking care of yourself and will need a deeper patience to work through your relationship challenges.

To quote one client:

Grace and Kindness were two unfamiliar words to me before Casey came into my life. As a result of his kind and nonjudgmental teachings, my life has gone from a place of chaotic despair to a never before known place of peace and tranquility. Challenging but rewarding the way of the teaching has set me on a path to live to heart with kindness and grace.

If you are ready to step ahead and genuinely thrive rather than hide, then contact me and let’s start now.

Contact Julie & Casey

Email: OneRiverLLC@gmail.com
1 (808) 445-9864 USA

All sessions are by appointment only.
Over Phone, Internet and In Person.

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Nik

I’ve been in an affair for 15 months, after 6 months myself and my husband separated, although this was not due to the affair it was on the cards for a while, the guy I was having an affair with pushed and pushed and pushed me to get husband out the house and kept saying I need to let the children know that we were separating which I did, all the while I just felt like affair partner pressured me into all of it. Affair partner then said he would seperate from his wife and tell his children that they… Read more »

Rachel B

I’m desperate for help! I’ve been having an affair for 8 months now, the rumours got back to my husband, he confronted me about it and I was prepared to tell him the whole truth but he lost his temper and come at me with an axe handle. Didn’t actually hit me but came very close and I was too frightened to tell him anything after that. Now I don’t know how to get out of this marriage. I want it to end. I’m not sure I want the guy I’m having an affair with but I know I definitely… Read more »

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