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What is Love? Understanding & Exploring Love

What is Love?

So many types of love exist. A mother’s love, two lovers in affection, a love of life, a calling of devotion and countless other types.

The starting definition for every type of love is:

Love is to become more or to help another become more.

I could list a thousand different kinds of love. In love, people push; to test and then try to go further. People do so many crazy things in the drive to be more, all in the name of love. Love has countless different aspects, and despite all the variations, it’s all the same:  Love is the push to be more.

The expression/style of more, is what determines the type of love you have.

Family and Love

Becoming More

When a person asks what love is, they’re asking: what do they need to become more. Think about it for a second, what do you need to grow in life? You will be able to name a few things, but also you will miss other important elements. So knowing perfectly what is love, is not a valid question since it’s an ever changing question. Don’t focus on definitions that will always change over time. Since what we each need to grow changes so much from person to person, the needs of a relationship won’t always match the needs of each person. Just because you love a person doesn’t mean you can give another person what they need in growth.

Love always represents a relationship, to that outside connection that makes you more, be it to a person, passion or even endeavor.

To have a lasting relationship is to let love itself change and grow over time to match your needs and your partner’s needs in life.

The Tree of Love Teaching

Having helped thousands of people over the years, I created the Tree of Love teaching as a new way to understand relationships. The trap in modern culture is that people think affection is enough to build a lasting relationship. This isn’t true. Love is the starting point of a relationship, and there exist five other elements that are required to support love.

A relationship has eight distinct elements within it to create a lasting connection. Growth is only one element of a relationship. Relationships also need harmony, clear communication, respect, compatible goals, and chemistry. The two videos on this page will go into more details regarding the Tree of Love. If you need help working improve a relationship you can contact us directly for a session! I use this teaching to analyze the situation accurately and find answers that work.

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Tree of Love
Tree of Love - Learning all about love and relationship dynamics.

Traps of Love

The trap of love is to put a person in our hearts. We change and other people do change over time. To place a person in your heart is to break your heart later upon changing. Instead, learn how to put the connection to a person within your heart rather than the person. In that manner, as you change, as they change, you can stay connected and still help each other grow. Working to maintain affection requires you to strengthen your connections with flexibility rather than smothering it with sameness. Deepen your connection with open communication and avoid restrictions and ultimatums.

Look for love being growth rather than something that never changes.

Tree of Love

A little help
goes a long way
in finding love.

Love Without Judgment

The second trap in love is to love with judgment.

People try to measure and find the perfect love. To do this is to fall into a trap! Do you see it? The right love, the best love, a pure love: Right, Best, True are statements of judgment, and within judgment, all love crumbles into dust.

How can you have true love, if you always measure the person you love?

Always comparing a partner, to those who might be younger, smarter, more beautiful, fresher, newer: will always break your love. Even worse, to measure yourself against others and then to find yourself failing to be worthy of love. To do this is to makes you or your a partner into a commodity and in that, you will consume your partner. To make you or your partner into a commodity is to ensure the relationship will burn out from the consumption of the relationship over time. Leaving everything and everyone broken.

To consume love is to break in love.

LoveAlso, people are taught by media and stories to look for the perfect ideal, for a knight in armor or the proper maiden to save. How can a relationship survive if you unconsciously compare your partner to a preconceived picture of what it is to be as a partner -> that doesn’t exist? Part of love is to work at improving how you hold a relationship consciously. The harder part of relationship work is releasing all of these unconscious judgment traps.

So you can see, there are many ways we introduce judgment into our relationship. The way to remove judgment out of a relationship is ironically straightforward: See your partner as being a unique person.

We are each unique, think of the person you are with as unique and you quickly discover that person is without compare.

Love isn’t about a measurement nor a judgment. Love is about who helps you grow and expand and become more.

No one person is perfect for another, yes many people can fit into our lives, there is more than one soulmate out there for you. Life isn’t a chase to find all the soulmates nor the best. It’s about being with the person who helps you enjoy life, explore and continue to become more.

So whenever you think of your (partner) / (prospective partner) relative to another person, or if you say things like: “I would be crazy not to” (yes there is self-judgment in this statement equally as bad) those are judgments. Each comment is a pathway of judgment leading you to feel a better person is out there for you or them. At this point, you have immediately and from the start begun to undercut your relationship.

You will not make the distance, by undercutting your relationship with judgment at the start. Your relationship will never last if you hold your partner to some impossible ideal.

So to reiterate because its the real secret of a lasting relationship: We are each unique, so fall in love with each other’s uniqueness.

Uniqueness is beyond compare and as a result creates for a more balanced relationship.

Of course, be aware of the reverse of this concept. If the person you are with judges you: Then run.

Judgement is a game of conflict, and in love, that means one person will be diminished, and that undercuts love altogether.

The only way to win such a game, of judgement, is not to play it with judgement to begin with.

Love Isn’t Always Passive.

Love is about growth. Growth is not passive. If we only love one person deeply, we lose touch to the world. We need to change and push in life to grow. Don’t be afraid of a fierce love.

What is Fierce Love?

Love is to become more. The trap of love is that all too many people are passive with love.

Fierce love is love with determination and action.

What we need is love coupled with action!

Fierce love is proactive love.

We often become passive in our love and only love a few people deeply. We need to reach out and love others around us to be stronger.

Fierce Love is an expanded love with awareness and determined steps to counteract and take away racism, greed and other destructive behaviors that can limit us. I have been pondering and experimenting over the last 40 years trying to work out how to use this concept. Twenty years ago I decided that I needed to be proactively kind and help others live more in their essence. While I live with proactive kindness, most people aren’t proactive in their kindness. Passive kindness will not save the times.

A teacher tasked me with the question: “Why did love fail in the late 60’s”. I now know the simple reason it failed was that people were passive in love. People didn’t account for organized fierce greed. Well, now it’s time to organize fierce love.

All too many people will try to sit the times out. To sit the times out will be to lose to organized fierce greed.

Love is to be more, don’t wait for “the more” to come to you, be proactive, organize, be part of communities and grow. Help each other become more with a fierceness of heart and protect each other and our growth.

Be kind with determination. Reach out pro-actively to improve the world. Be strong in how your reach out to make a better world.

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Fierce Love
Learn to be strong nin your love.

Becoming More Includes Space.

If too many trees grow too closely together, they strangle each other out.  Part of the growth is including space, compassion, and respect. Yes at times we need to have a fierce love, but don’t smother those you love either!

This is respectful love, the quieter and gentler side of love.

The Two Sides of Love

Fierce love is great for dealing with life outside our main base. Respectful love is fantastic for those close to us. These two loves work together to expand and balance out how we live.

A Love Poem – Flowers

Dancing around 
gentle swaying air
under the sun
a flower.
So simple
so complicated deeper,
looking ultraviolet
discover faint intricate traceries
new patterns of attraction, landing pads
networks of lives coming, going, feeding into pollination 
frenzied frenzied life beats, becoming seeds 
waiting towards bursting futures 
all this and more... 
a simple waiting flower.

Why does love get placed under a microscope?
It's so tempting:
Tasting apple bits, bites, 
connections, attractions, 
rational examinations,
complicated dissections
conducted with steel scissors and tools.
To place the flower into: a vase…
so we can watch it die, in agony.

Acceptance and understanding
are not the same thing.

Let’s together stand under
the sun, washing rains
dancing swaying air
accepting our natures 
being the flower.

Casey Kochmer 2004

Love Within Relationships

Many assume a relationship or marriage is only the sharing of life’s journey. The journey of life is also personal for each person. No matter how closely we are tied with another, our lives are always also personal. What is eternal in a relationship? (Even if it only for a single smile or 50 years), From moment to moment, we do rise out from our isolated bubbles to honestly and mutually share a moment. We go beyond ourselves to find more in our life.

We work over the phone and also offer couple retreats!

You will discover many simple life hacks to change the way you view a relationship that will help you balance out the connection. Our teachings will help you improve how you hold your bond. Shifting how you hold ties by helping each other grow is often the best way to improve your relationship.

To have a lasting relationship is to embrace the shared moments while balancing that love in having our own time as well. To allow for the flowing of these moments, rather than forcing the relationship to be a static ideal or only shared experiences. In this: every relationship lasts forever within these moments shared with each other. From moment to moment, sharing and yet not forcing it to be always.

Remember to love each of those you have/will/do share moments with over a lifetime.

So a relationship is a dance between each shared moment moving against the tempos of personal growth. The balance of this dance changes dramatically on many different factors. You will find many relationship cookbooks that will try to give to the ideal mixture of everything. While you can use relationship cookbooks or experts to help find a starting point, it will always be upon you and your partner to practice and live against each other. No outside material ever perfectly documents the exact spice of life required to make a particular relationship harmonious. Maintaining love is made more difficult by the fact that relationship spice shifts/evolves with time also. Tree of Love It’s tempting to define life to relationships.

Live now: Letting relationships flow… Allowing separate personal realities to dance together.

To do so is to discover connections that can move with and endure a lifetime… Something which few people understand or accept. In other words:

It’s never about the Relationship rather it’s all about the Relationship.

It may seem the same upon the first reading: but the truth is in how you hold and flow with the word, relationship, that will determine if you make the distance with your relationships.

Working on Your Relationship Video

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Love, Soul Mates & Finding Your Life Partner
Love, Soul Mates & Finding Your Life Partner - A Deeper Exploration of Love

Learn how to understand relationships better and how to find your soul mate. This hour long video will step you through what a true relationship looks like and how to understand the dynamics of a relationship. Discover you don’t have to be alone, in figuring out how to improve your relationship.

Acceptance, Love and Poetry

Personal Tao Chapter 8

Looking At Love

Understanding is a snapshot of knowledge.

Acceptance is knowledge that something is
as it is,
is as it will be,
is as it was,
is is, is,
as its nature, not defined by outside observation.

Love is entangling acceptance
Love is acceptance with a relationship.
Love, such a dangerous word.
Misused, overloaded, misunderstood, overused, overthrown, head over heels and over and over, tumbling as so many attempt to force it down, into a deeply split apart crack within the soul as an ultimate salve.

Love a mixture of actions. Seemingly so simple, yet so often confused within passion, sex, lust, power, control, commitment, submission, absolute release, surrendering.

As for some, love does enwrap such various combinations.

Love is an expanding reality: personal in nature; simmering down to the mixing of needs in “how” each of us combines their very essence with the larger world.

Love: the active acceptance of an outside relationship. The act of, the process involving, the connection between oneself and another is love.

How do you define love?

This expression of connection: of love → is vastly unique from person to person. Each person is reaching out to meld themselves into something that stands more completely to the larger world. For some, this is something dark indeed, a need to be torn down or to tear down, as a means to bring up and forth their inner aspects which require healing. For others, love is a fulfilling experience in the building upon positive aspects of themselves. Between these two extremes discover the spectrum of variations through relationships.

It’s an ever-shifting experience: 

       as life bounces against life: 
              as one love changes another love: 
	            onward and onward 
		        in the interweaving of souls.

Love is the one area of humanity where people consistently flail in an attempt to find completeness. So many lonely souls trying to find refuge in another; when completion must start within the self first and then grow outward to the warmth of another.

The Path of Love

Love should not be confused with the approach taken to find love. Nor should love be thought of as a final destination. Rather love is a continuous process, thru which we become a little more than our previous states of being.

Finding true love is not the same as discovering harmony with a Personal Tao. However, discovering love enables one to access additional resources and perspectives, which in time leads to discovering deeper truths about our own nature.

A personal peace exposes self-truth; a personal love exposes truth gained from joining to the outside. The two seem so close that people confuse their search for personal peace with the completion of discovering love. Love is not a way to find self-peace. Remove an object of love, to discover how quickly one loses a personal peace based on such outside connections. Love is a way to discover harmony to what is outside oneself.

The importance of love comes from its ability to aid a person to do ever so much more than they could do alone. For these reasons, love should be embraced fully and deeply. However, personal peace, as it is personal, must come from the inside of ourselves to be true. Those we love might help us find truth in ourselves, yet in the end, embracing the peace of a Personal Tao must in large part come from our own inner self.

While discovering love usually will not help a person find true personal peace, the reverse is often true. Finding a Personal Tao, coming to peace with oneself, permits a person to discover harmony and love much more easily. Usually, I find most people look for love first, and then try to find personal peace. This is the harder path. Why would this be the case? It’s the case simply because once you have inner peace; it becomes possible to accept love as a relationship. If a person doesn’t have personal peace, then much of the energy of love isn’t going into a balanced relationship, it’s going into shoring up, trying to keep an inner peace alive. This would be a one-sided relationship and often these relationships burn up.

How often does anyone ever truly teach us how to love? How can it be taught, when love’s definition is personal? Our true teachers within love are those who we entwine with love. Teaching is a process of expression found within love itself. By default, we teach ourselves much of what we need in love (as we are part of the entwining). If we cannot accept ourselves within love, then we lose half of the equation.

Many people I have watched, spend time imitating others and basing love by example. No wonder so much time ends up in the maze of love. Instead of following our nature, we attempt to follow the nature of others. We lose our own nature in the process of pretending to be something we are not.

This also explains another aspect of love; many individuals tend to bounce between love and discovering personal truth. Yet because they don’t understand what is happening, it becomes a very drawn-out process of repeating past mistakes as they redefine themselves.

Sigh Into Love

Anyone going through this will understand the *sigh* at this point. Turn the *sigh* into a smile, as we are who we are. It’s a process of expanding ever softly outward to joining to a larger world.

To discover love: Embrace your nature.

Following needs, to dispel needs.

Love is always mixing and matching with what feels right.

It’s self-destructive to become someone else in the process of love. Accept your nature and add upon the qualities which reinforce/ support your nature.

Love is an important aspect of human life. To reject it, is to reject a part of humanity. The path of love is a way of reaching out to a larger world. Treat the overall process as love, each lover as its separate lesson and your life will grow accordingly.

Love Poem – Flowers


Dancing around 
gentle swaying air
under the sun
a flower.
So simple
so complicated deeper,
looking ultraviolet
discover faint intricate traceries
new patterns of attraction, landing pads
networks of lives coming, going, feeding into pollination 
frenzied frenzied life beats, becoming seeds 
waiting towards bursting futures 
all this and more... 
a simple waiting flower.

Why does love get placed under a microscope?
It's so tempting:
Tasting apple bits, bites, connections, attractions, happenings
     rational examinations, complicated dissections
     conducted with steel scissors and tools.
To place the flower into: a vase…
      so we can watch it die, in agony.

Acceptance and understanding
      are not the same thing.

Let’s together stand under
the sun, washing rains
dancing swaying air
accepting our natures 
being the flower.

Casey Kochmer 2004

Love Poem – Earthquake


Some people are earthquakes to the soul
What depth, degree, place
       can someone shake you down 
       tumbling senses
       rumbling confusion
       to deepest marrow

Some people are wind to the spirit
What height, direction, place
       can someone spin you around 
       lifting you up
       easing burdens
       to highest points of spirit

No matter what sundering upon an earthquake
No matter how far the wind travels away
Love never leaves
       unless love was never there

To love, is sharing of center
Briefly touching that... 
Which cannot be described outside the moment
If described fully, not obliquely, 
       then was it truly love?
Yet, moments move as passing connections 
Leaving names piling up as pointless lists...
No list ever gets written upon the soul
yet love is weaved within the soul
Threading our changes within the warp 
Leaving it impossible to untangle 

So roll into every seismic event
Let the wind and breeze entangle
Embrace earthquakes down to the core
Unearth the depths
Roil, live, breathe within shuddering passions
   To the benefit of...   
            Revealing within love
                 Tumbling of the senses
            Lifting acceptance of the soul

Casey Kochmer 2005

Love Poem – Tearing Love

Tearing of Love

So little 
very little
almost nothing
do I truly care about

But of what I do care for:    
Love of you, love of family, love of myself
It’s my entire world
nothing more

without your love
I feel as if I were nothing

Is this suffering as Buddhists talk about
Is this agony of hell
¿ Is this sane ?
Is it real
Is this... what is it, to be in love
Wanting to vomit out entire souls

When at times criss crossing
Lover’s anger flays indiscriminately about

Doesn't make sense... At all
It's a melding of souls           
and at times
ripping of souls

screaming for velcro 

In time tearing heals
Makes stronger
The puzzles of who we are

Casey Kochmer 2005

Love Poem – Sapling


So much to say
		Seeking touch
So much to hear
		Seeking convergence 

To feel your hand on my face
To feel whispers of a moan
forever spiral within dreams
Yet awakening to discover: dream and reality touching
to a blurring of one

Briefly...	without words, 
Lost...	within emotions
Smiling knowing your touch indeed 
Did make dusty bones spring and grow 
As saplings embracing rays of the sun

You touch me in whispers, encased in warmth
Unfurling and growing 
I am entranced within your gaze
your eyes saying everything

All memories forever sweetly trapped 
within the amber 
of embracing gazes

Your giving merely brief seconds
     yet lasting forever within me
Amber within amber
Two saplings reaching, entwining, growing
becoming more beautiful than any poem 
I could write for you

Casey Kochmer 2002

Love and Relationship Articles

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1 (808) 445-9864 USA

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