I have gone through my share of breakups in life. It’s never easy to leave and start a new life. At times it’s best to move on and at times we fight to stay. Ironically, those challenges have led to me helping others find the best answers for their situations.
Let’s focus on this truth: breakups are not one-sided affairs.
The two sides of releasing a relationship are when you need to leave and when your partner needs to leave.
This article looks at the two sides of breaking up in relationships.
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When Your Partner Leaves
What do you do when you are left holding the ghost of another soul?
No single answer can restore true love from a person who truly has left.
People expect answers to explain everything. But this is one time where no solution will be complete nor fill the hole left behind. Worse even the right answers at first will feel hollow in the void left behind by their lost love.
To those who have truly lost their love or partner: know this:
It isn’t possible to reclaim a partner through guilt, tears, bleeding hearts, holding old memories nor torn bits of soul… All these methods create false stories that erode quickly with time. Answering your loss in this manner frames a life to be doomed in embracing emptiness.
Until the time they choose to come back to their own heart, you must take care of yourself, must work to becoming stronger and finding personal answers how best to move ahead with your life. No answers will make the next steps easier, but you still must take steps to move ahead! Live with those who do care and find a life your heart can embrace. Make sure you start living in a manner, so even if they don’t come back, you have a life worth living.
Don’t ever punish yourself for the other person leaving and don’t lash out in hate or pain since this only reflects back to wound your own heart.
At times the pain is the answer that is left to us. We hold tightly to this pain because it’s the last remnant of the person we love. To let go of the pain is to lose the person forever.
Accept that pain to not embrace or lash out:
Sink back into yourself.
To move beyond it.
If no “one” answer removes the pain of this situation, then the secret is to embrace the pain while moving ahead with many many small steps. The pain, in small bits, like crumbs: will decay with time, with each little step. I do ask of you to move ahead, rebuild a better life, a better life because this is the only answer that works. This answer isn’t dependent on your former partner, and it is the answer you must follow because no matter what other people may do, this answer at least helps you live a better life. More importantly, this gives a person something to embrace eventually: themselves.
At the time of loss, this answer is the hardest one of all to accept since it does feel the emptiest. As you are numb to feeling even yourself.
But this is the path of healing, a healing release.
Release in the end is the only answer that truly works for all.
Release opens up the possibility other people can come back freely. However, more importantly, a release is also the only answer that gives back your freedom to live, your life without pain.
I will repeat this secret to making it all work:
Release your former partner fully, with many smaller releases. Living to release will be a series of hundreds of smaller answers you cobble together over a period of a few years, that creates a new life.
I will repeat and stress for the third time now so it can sink in:
Release in the end isn’t a single answer, but countless smaller steps… that become your life. A new and whole life.
You won’t see it now, but if you walk this path, you will come to a new point, a new life with a wholeness that you will accept as a good life again.
So the truth is: it doesn’t matter who leaves first in a relationship. Each person has the right to veto a relationship. Once one person goes, the other person should respond in kind to make the separation process kind.
When You Have To Leave
Balancing A Break-Up
It’s possible to break up gracefully. But understand your partner is not obligated to make it graceful. Timing in breaking up is often critical as part of the process. But very few people have practice in breaking up so don’t expect things to go smoothly even when trying to time everything perfectly.
By definition, a relationship is to resist release. As a result, it’s hard to break up a relationship, even when a relationship has reached its natural separation point. This contradiction causes all sorts of problems. All too many people breaking up use negative habits to break their relationship in a harmful manner. This type of break up causes all sorts of spiritual problems later to resolve in life.
What can generally be said is this:
- Your heart is a guide, but it is your guide, not theirs.
- Know that your actions have to balance out in reflection which means you have to observe and be aware. Don’t judge or try to change their course. Focus your actions work towards what improves your path while hindering their path the least. If you try to heal or help them, it will further drag your ex-partner into more pain.
- Don’t let fear drive your actions since otherwise, you make your fears real.
- Make sure you take care of yourself. Keep a regular exercise practice like yoga or Qi Gong or similar practices to help keep your mind and body sharp. This will help balance out the interactions better as a result.
- Know that you will make mistakes and that is fine. Work with mistakes to learn and turn them around and make a better life
- Discover this is also a process of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a form of release. As you forgive yourself and your ex-partner’s mistakes you will gain unexpected insights and directions when least expected.
Breaking up in a relationship can be a time of healing, to let go of old wounds. Allow your life to change as the process evolves. Don’t hold yourself back in wounds and mistakes instead look to the healing aspects of what is improving from the break up also.
What is best in a break up isn’t based on past expectations or resolving other people’s guilt. Once you release guilt (and there will be many layers of guilt from different sources), you will discover true freedom and new options for how to move ahead.
Relationships evolve. You know you are in a bad relationship when your needs have changed, but the relationship itself is stuck in older patterns. If a relationship doesn’t change over time to fit each person: then either the people inside will be unhappy, or over the longer term the relationship will break.
As a result, I teach how to release misconceptions that people must sacrifice themselves to a relationship to make it work. In fact, it’s often the opposite: some relationships have to be sacrificed for the needs of each person.
General Truths About Breaking Up
Breaking up is tricky. People often think they only have to release one thing: the other person. Most times, release is a larger process of letting go of many co-dependent factors and also some of your issues / misconceptions. This is why release is difficult. If you don’t release fully, then other hidden problems will surface and seemingly drag you back to the original problem.
Let’s look at a specific example of when a relationship is experiencing a breakup. Breaking up is, of course, an extreme form of release.
Breaking up is often a forced release. A forced release means one person in the partnership is unwilling to release. Being forced to release often reinforces unhealthy actions in the last desperate attempts to hold on to relationship. Acts of clinging then just further serve to wedge apart the unhealthy relationship.
When I work with those in separation, the first thing to understand is often times both parties grab onto older patterns to help them move through the separation. The problem being, those older patterns are the reason the relationship broke in the first place. So repeating them sets a person up for extended failures in the future.
I teach in forced separations; it’s best to reinforce the separation to help heal each party rather than clinging to what didn’t work and ensure a permanent loss of friendship.
When a partner leaves, the process of breaking up has started, and it’s important to let it run the course for purposes of healing. Any such release is much more than moving beyond a partner.
A Hard Final Truth
A hard truth for some in a relationship is this:
The lesson isn’t always about how to stay together.
For some, the lesson is about what we learn from the relationship breaking up.
In many cases, we need to grow and expand against our weaknesses. Often it’s the breaking up that serves as the fuel and material to learn against. A break up is also the chance to improve oneself within the quest of becoming a complete person.
People all too often focus on finding completion within another. Unfortunately, more times than not, it’s the breaking apart that teaches us to be stronger and also forces us to improve upon ourselves.
Working With a Breakup
Both sides of release are true.
When you release yourself to be free: it also means letting your partner be free.
When you release your partner to be free: it also means letting yourself be free.
It’s easy to make a mistake of placing your fears and thoughts into your former partner. Don’t project what they are or are not feeling! If you do that, you will hurt yourself, them and further push the partner away.
This is why I teach a person to use kindness in the process of release. Kindness permits a person to minimize damage within a separation and enables people to repair longer term friendship.
The release process includes stopping all self-punishment of yourself for what you might have done wrong in the past. Don’t punish former partners or yourself for past mistakes, doing so pushes others away and also ensures re-living past mistakes.
People often insist on holding to something of their former partner. Strangely people usually choose to hold to the mistakes that broke the relationship in the first place. On the surface, this is done to figure out what went wrong. Yet deeper underneath, this is done to hold on to something of the old relationship. This is projection and only pushes partners further away. So again part of the release is letting go of the need to know, to need to “project” into other personal fears and problems.
Release the mistakes of the past, to be free and find a path true to the heart.
Release is a very critical process, but understand release has many levels.
In this process of letting a partner go: be patient, often pause and follow the course of release in a manner that lets you grow. Don’t let breaking up, once started, break you in half from guilt. It’s always possible to turn any process of release into a positive experience, but it isn’t always a simple path to discover.
Release requires both patience and self kindness to navigate.
In a release, a person will have this question:
Do you think staying close with a person as we separate helps the process, or hinders the process?
This is the line where counseling happens, and I cannot give a generic answer. The balance shifts for each couple: Every relationship has a different balance and set of answers.
To know the right / or best answer for a relationship requires to feel/know the spirit of the situation. To test and understand the dynamics and tenor of the relationship and partners. Additionally, the answers always also shift as people releasing relationships are now in a state of change/ flux. So you always have to adjust answers accordingly and often during the process. As a result, I proactively work with people so the assistance stays in sync with life’s changes.