The First Secret to Happily Ever After
Happily Ever After, isn’t a story! It’s a lifestyle. Don’t force your “Happily Ever After” to be only a single story or it will be forever chasing broken dreams ever after.
Finding a partner to share life with happily is a challenge.
Once you do find a partner
Don’t restrain them to a single path or story.
Don’t let them limit you to only one story either!
The Second Secret to Happily Ever After
Happily ever after isn’t only about relationships. To be happy is a process of knowing oneself.
Until taking the time to be with yourself and be content with yourself, focusing in on the inability to find another person to be happy with, is just an excuse to not to work on yourself.
Discovering personal confidence and contentment is also the path of supporting a successful relationship.
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Confidence comes out from knowing oneself.
I was chatting with a friend, and the statement that really caught my eye to speak on was this:
I still have no idea who I am and what makes me happy, but at least I am trying to move forward.
When a person is living transformation when they are releasing what they were: to become something new. Looking for a definition of who you are during the process is a trap that delays your process of transformation. Trying too hard to “define” your life takes you away from living your life.
Releasing is not about knowing oneself but opening up for options. As a result be patient with yourself and the knowing oneself comes in retrospect. Ironically when you let go of trying to know yourself, the answers come quickly when you least expect it. The reason is surprisingly simple:
It’s easier to know yourself afterwards in your actions than before the actions when you are still very much undefined…
That’s the difference.
How can you know yourself, or what makes you happy until you experience it, until it passes within the moment and dances about in the heart?
If you stress out trying to know yourself, trying to find happiness… then you don’t find it, simply because you are too busy trying to define yourself over, actually living your life in new actions that later show you life.
The Third Secret to Happily Ever After
Not everyone is truly seeking happy.
People seek Happily, Happily, Happily
Yet some only repeatedly get
Unhappily, Unhappily, Unhappily,
A Simple Truth of Happily is…
- Strangely, some people are happy (or content) at being unhappy.
It’s a personal choice. No one can magically fix being in an unhappy state if how you focus your efforts reinforces unhappy. You might think this to be not true. However, more people hold onto hidden elements of unhappy than you might realize.
- Be happy with who you are (Hint: it isn’t happiness, rather seek acceptance), and then over time find the partners that match your nature.
- Or be happy at being unhappy and always be in a shitty relationship. Many people think they are working towards #1 but instead just focus on living in #2. As Yoda said ”There is no try, just do” Pick 1 or 2 and work at being in the zone you want to hold. Of course, people at #2 never will admit they are happy since they’re unhappy. It’s the perfect catch-22.
Plenty of people dwell and make their business in this zone of unhappiness. It isn’t worth spending much time propping up unhappiness. Oh, it’s possible to spend lots of money going to counselors and psychologists reinforcing such bad behavior. But it’s a waste of relationship (time) to do so. No one can save a person not ready to be saved, and likewise, no cure exists for a person working actively at being unhappy. Taoism is effective in helping people since Taoism teaches how to release such behavior.
But only if a person is ready to release.
Here is a powerful trick from Taoism. Happy and Sad define each other. To have one is to discover the other. So release each to a stronger root: Acceptance in this case. Living with acceptance, adding in a dash of grace, and you get what most people try to force as being happy.
Happily ever after truly means:
Acceptance of each other and Graceful sharing over time.
The Fourth Secret to Happily Ever After
Don’t push your stories or expectations onto your partner. Don’t expect not to change nor for your partner to stay the same.
Cultural expectations tend to force everyone to strive and only have a single ideal partner. This one fact results in more broken and failed relationships than I care to count. The simple truth is this: Every 7 to 9 years we become a new person. Relationships are an interesting dance of shifting partners: even when being with the same person.
We are all time travelers in our relationships, jumping from memories, future expectations, and current moments of time.
In working with personal transformation, it means also working with transforming relationships to match the new realities of changing partners over time.
Upon transformation, it’s normal to ask if your current relationship is flowing well or if it is time to shift the relationship. Don’t be afraid to work with change and don’t be afraid to look at the hard questions. If you cannot ask these questions within your relationship, then that in itself is a clue you aren’t truly in a healthy relationship.
A classic question after transforming becomes this:
“Don’t you think it’s better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?”
― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife
I can say there isn’t a one size fit answer for this. For some, it’s better to be happy and move on, for others the answer is to hang on tight to ok.
I will say: no relationship will make the distance if you are not your true self.
“Love the world and yourself in it, move through it as though it offers no resistance, as though the world is your natural element.”
― Audrey Niffenegger,
Answers for life are hidden all around us, in books, in songs, in memories, in mirrors, in stories, all around us. I mixed in the Time Traveler’s Wife book to illustrate this point.
Allow yourself to ask questions, to grow and to shift. Don’t be afraid to love deeply, don’t be afraid to move along with your life.
Discover you don’t have to be alone, in figuring out how to improve your relationship.