Survive and Thrive after a MidLife Affair

Surviving a Midlife Affair

People in Mid life crisis are looking for answers. Often times a person in mid life crisis is not ready to be alone and looks for help outside their current situation. As a result the consequence of many Midlife Crisis situations is that a person will think about or even have an affair.

I have helped many people work through the consequences of a Midlife affair. Lets not try to make the situation pretty: the fact is, once you are reading this, it means you have entered in a very hard world, with very real consequences that will effect the rest of your life.

The only way to handle a midlife affair is to remove judgement. Judgement traps a person into having an affair and judgements force affairs to go deeper and become messier situations than they need to be. Judgements prevent people from learning from their mistakes. Judgement after the affair will prevent a healthy relationship from growing from the aftermath.

So the one truth that must get released is:

Release the judgement!

There are three cases to consider: Pre Affair, During the Affair and Post Affair.

Pre Affair

If you are considering a midlife affair, it means it’s time to take a deeper more honest look at both yourself and your current relationship. A Midlife Affair also often represents being afraid to directly work with your partner or that your partner has stopped communicating with you.

In the end many midlife affairs happen because a person is seeking to move past feeling stuck in their current life. The affair represents motion and new options. Affairs also represent the seeking of another person to provide comfort and finally often are an attempt to validate oneself through another person.

If you are longing towards an affair the first step is to realize that your current relationship is already having serious enough problems to end it.

Finding a counselor to help you begin work out issues is often a better path to explore rather than just suppressing your feelings. The problem is individuals are often blind to their own problems and cannot fix them on their own (hence the pull to an affair). The only trouble is the affair rarely fixes personal problems, rather affairs usually only add additional complications into the mix.

Most people try to solve the pre affair by suppressing their own feelings. Suppression of personal feelings will always fail as an answer. Suppression of feelings leads to (a) you breaking down to having the affair, (b) the pent up feelings coming out volcanically to break your current relationship later in a much more painful manner or (c) pent up feelings slowly rend your heart apart to the point you spiritually die, or even worse (d) the pent up feelings slowly tear a person up inside to the point they stop caring about life, many heart attacks and cancers come out of not taking care of your body properly.

 

During the Midlife Affair

The truth is sometimes the midlife affair has to happen. Too much tension exists or the need for freedom is so strong that a person finds themselves in a relationship with another person. Part of this attraction comes out from that fact all new relationships are relatively judgement free still. New relationships are fresh, this opens up new experiences and kick starts the exploration of life again. The pull to live again is very irresistible. The pull to be with a person that doesn’t limit one down with judgements or measurement is intoxicating.

The only problem is this: having started a new relationship by breaking trust, this also sows the seeds of hidden judgements, judgements that will grow and circle back around to slowly eat away at your choices. A person can run only so far before having to start dealing with the very issues that created the previous set of relationship problems eating away at the earlier relationship.

The first few months of any affair is magical, but at some point judgement and past patterns will creep back into the situation to cause most people to repeat the seeds of crisis they were running away from.

Post Midlife Affair

At some point, events catch up to a person and their relationship. Most people fall back to the common tools taught to them by society to handle the after effects of an affair: anger, judgement, hate, despair, feeling wronged and feeling morally right…

Conflict accomplishes nothing, and in the end judgement results in conflict.

The truth is this:

The whole midlife affair ends up actually being inconsequential. Most people living fresh from the results of the affair won’t believe this statement. But it is true. What truly matters is this: What did you learn and how did you use the situation to grow from?

If you focus on the affair, you then get stuck in the past and judgements which limit how you can grow from the situation. Learn from the affair but don’t focus upon it either. The affair is a stepping stone towards a better life for everyone, if used as a stepping stone. For most people affairs become swamps of despair. Such a place is not a place worth living within.

Many people waste the experience to hate or regrets. Hate is a very sad limited way to hold an experience. Hate allows no room for growth. In fact, hate dissolves the heart away, it eats a person away until they are left with nothing. Those resorting to hate often will fall prey to depression and slowly pull away from others.

No this whole process means being brave enough to stand up and learn from the experience. To be willing to live life honestly and not hiding away from others.

The Real Truth about A Midlife Affair

This is a very delicate case by case situation that most of the time will not be resolved smoothly without outside assistance. The truth is once the affair happens, the marriage is officially broken. The fundamental value of trust that a marriage is based upon is broken and will never again be the same.

But here is the secret:

Mid life transformation is all about starting a new life. You and your partner are in mid life transformation. This means it’s possible to start and build a fresh new trust between partners, to create a whole new relationship, since you both are in transformation!

The process runs like this

  1. Remove judgement. No one is guilty.
  2. Release the Relationship. (All relationships)
  3. A new friendship is beginning.
  4. Work with kindness.
  5. Help each other grow
  6. In time, if love reignites then remarry, if not then help each other move on

Is this easy? No it isn’t. The over whelming response of our society is to push guilt, to force relationships and want answers right away. Yet the mid life transformation process takes roughly two years to grow within. It takes time to grow and find one’s nature.

But to those who take the time:

This is literally becomes a magical process,

truly the stuff of stories everyone else reads about and wishes would happen to them.

The only trouble is this, wishing for your story to have a happy ending means not truly putting effort into your process.

To live the happy ending is a slow process requiring patience, it means making mistakes and growing from those mistakes. Feeling and lashing out in pain is not the same as working thru your process. It’s a long and hard continued effort. For most people this will be the hardest test they ever face in their life and relationship…

 

Finally and most importantly:

Be Brave.

Hiding from an midlife affair or truth only diminishes you in this process.

Be Brave: so you can live your life and grow.

Right now, it won’t seem possible that the whole affair issue can ever resolve out gracefully, but having work with many people, all my clients say the same thing, they would go thru the process again: because it allowed them to truly live again, honestly and completely as themselves! In other words, many relationships have become a prison from judgements and that is where the affair comes into the picture. In this process, we free those involved to live to heart, without judgement. The whole affair literally just becomes a past story to be shed as each person transforms into a newer wiser person.

Literally

  1. Shed it or have it shred you.

Many people reading this are probably feeling shredded by the thoughts of an affair…The shredding feeling is your soul eroding away. Stand up and live your life.. or watch it erode away in pain.

It really is a personal choice. Sadly most people in this culture choose the painful path, only because they haven’t been shown another way. This article is to help show, there is a better path that does work.

 

As a note: Many times people are stuck in abusive situations and a person will have an affair to help break free of abuse. Understand in abusive situations call immediately the abuse hotlines that exist and find assistance. No one should live through abuse. Abusive relationships require special helping conditions and local help. While I work with people around the world, I don’t work with abuse cases as it requires local assistance and professional help specially trained to help break of the abuse.

 

Start to Find Answers Now

If you need help right away you can start here with this 30 minute video. The video has a 2 minute preview and then the full video has a cost of 17.50 to watch completely.

Mid Life Crisis Affairs


Learn how to regain control of your life.

This 30 minute video talks about:
(1) Working with trust issues that arise from a midlife crisis affair.
(2) Changing how you interact with your partner.
(3) The state of mind of you and your partner.
(Changing the way to work with marriage)
(4) How to regain control of your life.
The keys of communication and non conflict. (Saying Less is More!)
(5) How long does it take to resolve everything?
(6) How to grow stronger rather than being destroyed by the affair.
(7) Letting go of things said and how to listen.
(8) Dynamics of an affair relationship. (Looking ahead to avoid common mistakes)
(9) What are true dangers of a Midlife affair (Don’t repeat old patterns).
(10) How to grow from Midlife mistakes.
(11) What are my next steps?
How to take personal control of the situation.
(12) Turning it all around to be strong.

Professional Assistance in Handling a Midlife Affair

I work with people on a case by case basis, as each person is a unique tapestry of needs, past events needing resolution, different future goals, different mixes of partners, supporting past obligations and different stories.

It takes rebuilding a new relationship and that is a very patient process and a process not many people are willing to commit to. I have helped many people thrive in the most beautiful ways after affairs have occurred, but it only can happen if you are ready to change. Otherwise, the conditions that led to the affair will only get worse, the problems will repeat and you ensure leading a very unhappy future life.

Strangely and most sadly people usually choose hate and pain as the answer to the midlife affair. Look around to how many bad divorces that happen that end up in hate, and you will know the truth of this statement. Refuse to let pain define your life, Choose to change and grow.

I can help you grow and thrive. But the process I teach isn’t for everyone. Before I accept you as a client you must set up an interview with me to determine if you would match to one of the various processes I use. Of all the services I provide, this is the most serious and complicated one I offer. In the hardest cases, it even requires exploring the process of a Spiritual Divorce. No matter what path is taken: understand you will need to look to the future not the past, explore personal commitment in taking care of yourself and have a deeper patience to be true to your heart. It requires releasing all judgement to instead embrace acceptance that this is a time to grow.

While some people in anger after the affair may not agree with what I write here, I know from the dozens of clients I have helped that this process works with amazing results.

To quote one client:

Grace and Kindness were two unfamiliar words to me before Casey came into my life. As a result of his kind and non judgmental teachings my life has gone from a place of chaotic despair to a never before known place of peace and tranquility. Challenging but rewarding the way of the teaching has set me on a path to live to heart with kindness and grace.

If you are ready to step ahead and truly make your life thrive after an midlife affair then contact me and lets start now.

Contact Casey at:
PersonalTao@gmail.com
(360) 870-2897

Additional Midlife Crisis Reading Materials

Please note: Any comments which are not respectful, are in anger, are rude or lash out with judgment will be deleted. Part of this teaching is to work without judgement.

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89 Responses to Survive and Thrive after a MidLife Affair

  1. @do I wait?

    Your problem now has nothing to do with him, It has everything to do with you. You are making it about him, since he has defined the problem you must face: How do I now live? But the situation is all about how you will live. So you are focusing on what caused the problem while ignoring your own life. That question has only the word “I” in it no “him” at all. So how will you now live?

    Ask yourself can I survive on just waiting. The answer is no. As you wait you slowly undercut and destroy your own life also.

    Move ahead with living. He can always decide to catch back up later, but you cant live in “later”. You have to live in the “here and now”.

    So live. It has nothing to do with waiting: it has everything to do with living.

  2. Kathryn Nordike says:

    My partner of 16 years was 49 when I noticed a character and personality change that affected both me and our daughter. I had suspected he was cheating on me and I had been right. I was the one that had been working and he was home more with our daughter. The women he was seeing didn’t work and he had a lot of free time also which made it very convenient. I had already felt like our relationship had been out of balance. I was working swing shifts and always wanted him to find full time work. He would always leave the house at supper time and say he was going to play cards with his buddies. I later found out she had been cooking for him and they were both smoking pot together. That was something else I wanted him to give up. He left the day after my birthday and told me he would be gone for a while. He didn’t even come home for his daughter’s 14th birthday. That just wasn’t like him. He came back about a month later and told me he was back for good and would never do anything like that again. He told me he wanted our relationship to work. It has now been 2 years and he is still in denial about where he was for that month. He made up a story to me about where he was and it wasn’t with that women. Our relationship is a lot better than it has been in years. I would like for him to tell me the truth though and just admit it to me about where he really was. I do bring it up every so often and it’s still the same made up story. I think for our relationship to keep working he needs to tell me the truth and quit lying to me. What do you think?

  3. @Kathryn:

    Release the need to know what happened.

    Only when he is ready, should he share what he went through. Only he will know when the time is proper. Otherwise you will only introduce conflict into your relationship and everything will go to places you have no desire to work upon.

    I am not saying ignore growing or stop challenging life. Rather I am saying pick and choose what actions are graceful ones. Truth is rarely what people think is the truth and the contradictions of “truth” needlessly destroys all too many relationships.

    Work on the truth of what you have now, not contradictions from the past.

  4. @Everyone: I do not give legal advice. I give spiritual advice. No advice I give out here should ever be interpreted as legal advice. Spirit is the movement of life so my advice will help people move more smoothly in the challenges they face. But when a person crosses the line to ask about the legal divorce process then you need to talk to a Lawyer not a spiritual teacher. This culture separates the two. I will often work along side your lawyer to help you balance out your choices to include the spiritual component of life, but modern western culture makes a clear distinction here between legal advice and spiritual advice.

    I just deleted a comment asking for advice on how to move ahead with a legal divorce.

    I instead work with spiritual divorces which are not a legal divorce. A Spiritual divorce is a new concept and set of spiritual teachings I have developed over the years to help people separate and yet keep some of the social benefits of a legal marriage. If you want to know more about spiritual divorce: contact me directly. Each case is delicate and I never give general advice regarding spiritual divorces, since each case is unique.

    Due to the complexities and commitment required to ensure a spiritual divorce flows smoother, I charge at a higher rate for such help.

  5. TS says:

    Thanks so much for your article. Do you have any advice for someone who has a good soul, but because of not wanting to hurt a spouse, never broke the marraige- but instead stepped out of the marraige a few times to get the connection.

  6. This is a very loaded question, because this question will stir up judgement in most readers and people. As a result literally any answer I give here will upset many people. The real answer will vary as a result from person to person.

    I will say what many people will do is usually either 1) be honest and then deal with the fall out or 2) be silent and then deal with the fallout.

    In other words no matter how you handle your past affair, you will stir up some problems. So you deal with each problem and do you best to act in kindness, do your best to work in trust.

    I will say this: If you cannot put the event behind you: then you have to figure out why you are stepping out of the marriage and change your life accordingly so you don’t have to break your own integrity.

  7. amber baltic teething says:

    Good blog you have here.. It’s hard to find quality writing like
    yours nowadays. I seriously appreciate individuals like you!
    Take care!!

  8. vicky says:

    hi,
    i am 47 and clearly going trough so called mid life crisis. I’ve met this guy and fell in love. the relationship is not sexual (yet). but he seems to take his step back all of sudden (he’s a single). i am devastated. my husband doesn’t know any of this and until i met the gur i thought we have a good marriage. i just don’t know what to do. all i can think of is him. i know i should end this but it is so, very very hard. often times, i find myself crying. i can’t focus. i am depressed. should i just give it a time? it will all resolve on its own?

  9. @Vicky: This isn’t something that resolves with time, it resolves with personal growth. How you choose to work with your challenge will then determine who you grow into over time.

    If you only make choices that are about being right, then judgement will slowly hang you with guilt.

    If you only make choices that are about running away, you run away from yourself and diminish who you can become.

    All the choices you face have problems, its how you address those problems that help you grow and define your life to be better.

    Do nothing, and it all falls apart.

    SO the question becomes is which path do you feel is the one you can put your heart into and support for the distance? If neither, then choose a whole new option, start living your own life rather than defining it by your partner or partner to be.

  10. Deborah says:

    I don’t know if you can give me any advice, but I sure need some. Unbeknown to me I was having an affair, he was going through his mid-life crisis and started seeing me, he forgot to tell me he had been married for 34 years though. I found out he was married from his wife finding my number on his phone bill, she sent me a series of nasty texts to which I never responded for over 6 weeks.

    He continued to try and get in touch via text/phone calls and each time I told him to get in touch if ever he was free and that I don’t need or want to be the other woman.

    Eventually I responded to his wife to say that I did not know he was married, I told her about where we met and the things we had done and the phone calls/texts etc. I responded to each of the issues she raised whereby she put the blame on me and said she believed him in as much as we only met for coffee. I continued to get texts and calls from her.

    I know this sounds awful but I was upset about being made out to be the one in the wrong when I was oblivious to his marital status I and sent her a picture of us together which proved we was not just having coffee, we was out having dinner. He is not happy with me at all! I feel terrible for doing such a stupid thing and for upsetting her even more.

    I am still hurting, I really fell for this guy, I probably fell in love with him but I was not prepared to be used for his fun. There are wives and husbands who always put the blame on the 3rd party, but in my case, how could I be held responsible for something I knew nothing about.

    It still hurts though, for me it was a proper relationship, I knew nothing about his other life and that hurts too.

  11. Lisa says:

    I had an affair this spring/summer which ended a few months or so ago. Me and my husband are going marriage therapist tomorrow. I love my husband, I just feel like my life has become stagnet, in a rutt. I feel I am not growing as a person because I am not experiencing anything in life. I feel isolated, and trapped into this life where I am not growing. I love him, he’s a good man and didn’t deserve what I did, but I am so torn on what I am to do. We had a seperation agreement ready to sign and go for divorce after the first of the year. Just when I think I want to stay and work on things, I start remembering how things were before affair, I was unhappy then, and don’t want my life to continue as it was before affair. Sometimes I just want to live by myself for awhile, but I he says he wants to get on with his life if I don’t want to stay here. What do you think?

  12. @Lisa & @ Deborah: You each had affairs because something was missing in your life.

    So as you work on fixing everything or trying to come to terms with the after effects of the affair. Don’t forget to look at the very thing you were trying to reintroduce into your life in the first place: actual life itself. Work harder to reintroducing a spark into your hearts in a way that doesn’t require another person to keep your fire going.

    While it’s always nice to have another person help you in life, we must always remember to keep our own fire going strong.

  13. Tracy says:

    It has been two months since I found out about my husband’s midlife affair, and I am still experiencing deep pain that I am working through. He ended the affair himself and has no contact with the other woman now and wants to rebuild our relationship. I am practicing kindness and doing my best to treat him with respect and love, which is very difficult at times as I am still dealing with the pain of the broken trust. I see him struggling through his transition and he seems like someone I don’t know at all. This entire process is something unlike I have ever experienced before. I accept that I need to focus on myself and learn to grow and expand, discovering my true essence and becoming who I really am. Right now, my husband and I are still living together, but I’m wondering if there should be a true separation period. Since you advise to “release the relationship,” should I remove myself from the home in order to do my “soul work,” or is it just as effective to stay in the home with him? We are keeping the conflict to a minimum, and we have a counselor assisting us. Any advice would be appreciated.

  14. Sandy says:

    My husband moved out May 2012. He swore up and down there was no one else. He said he just didn’t want to be married any more. We were, what I thought, perfect for each other. We dated 2 years before we got married. Had been married for 11 1/2 years. I would never have guessed he would have an affair. I found out about OW after he had been gone for 4 months. He kept saying he wanted a divorce, never filed until Feb. 2013. it was final 12/31/13. He still has me and my family as friends on FB. We are both 53, his OW I 38. I have not given up on restoration of our marriage. I try to look at this as a process, much like you have said. I have been told by so many, he will come back to me. I guess my question to you is, do the majority of people going through a mid life crisis return to their marriage? I still love him, unconditionally. My vows were for better or WORSE… what can be worse? In good times and in bad… these are truly bad times. In sickness and in health…. I see this as a sickness he has to heal from. Till death do us part… neither of us is dead yet…. my intentions are not to WAIT for him, but to continuing living my life, while he is going through hell, and keeping the door open for him to return. Am I doing right?

  15. Sandy: You ask if the majority of people come back. That is the wrong question.

    Whether a person comes back is not based on the odds of larger patterns.

    The more you try to judge another, yourself or the situation… the more limited options you give everyone. Which means the less likely of two people getting back together.

    The more a person resists changing after the fact when change has happened, the less likely a person will come back.

    The more damage that has been done while holding on to another person desperate to leave, means the less likely a person will come back.

    There are thresholds of transformation. Once certain things happen, the likelihood of reconciliation go down quite a bit.

    Ironically: “Till death do us part” is a mightily powerful judgement that permanently breaks up many marriages and creates many personal hells that people entrap themselves within.

    When I marry people I have removed that death pledge. It’s horrible if you think about it, to base faith on a death pledge. It might be romantic, but it isn’t realistic and represents the ultimate insecurity statement and creates the very fears and stresses that will break a marriage apart.

    Life is to change, relations is about connection. Marriage is a connection accepting helping your partner change, and even allowing them to be released when they change into a different person. Which happens to many people. To not respect change is to create much conflict in one’s life.

    The truth here isn’t whether he will come back or not. The question is will you adapt gracefully with change and release judgements based on lives lived long ago, in an unreachable past, by two very different people than the two standing apart now.

  16. @Tracy: There isn’t a right answer to your question. Rather you make what you need to work: work. For some this means a time of separation, for some it means staying in the same house.

    All depends on so many factors that are not within your comment, that I cannot just give an answer in response here. This is why I work with people directly to help fine tune the options.

  17. RC says:

    I have been having an affair for many years now. Each time engaging in the act swearing it will be the last. I go home and work so hard at connecting to my wife. We have a young daughter who there is no way I can leave and only see at visitation times. My wife and I get along well but there just seems to be some missing passion. I am 38 years old and now feel as though between a mid-life crisis and this affair I have really messed things up very deeply. Your blog gives me hope I can find an answer. I have tried so many difference approaches from trying to take control to praying God will help me and guide me. Unfortunately I fall back into the same trap again and again. Is it possible to recover from this with my wife without having to tell her and end in divorce? I don’t know the first step to make this right again. Please help!

  18. RC: Yes you are at the point of needing the help of a guide to help you transition through your next steps of mid life change. I can give you many answers but it is how you use the answer , not the answer itself that makes the difference.

    I can tell you yes it is possible to recover everything from mid life craziness. But you will need to work with change and personal growth…mixed in with the proper non judgmental, modest kind actions… Without a guide the chance of getting it right are pretty slim. Even with a guide it is never a 100% chance. The best odds you will get are 50/50 to fix it all up. But 50 / 50 are betting odds and the best odds in the game at this stage.

    If anyone tells you its absolutely going to break up, or they can for sure save a marriage… both those statements are judgement and will ironically cause you more problems.

    You are at a fundamental growth point, and the time to invest in how you grow gracefully is the only win win answer you can find.

    This is an open but flexible approach towards mid life crisis that can help you regain your life for sure and gives you the best chances of re-balancing with your wife…

    But what open represents changes for every case also. So the advice is tailored to meet each person.

  19. al says:

    Do you plan to come to Ireland? Then we would love to take up your services.

    My wife keeps bringing up the “why” question at random times which causes conflict. Conflict was one of the reasons we separated in the first place, and have now reconciled. How can we get her into positive thinking or finding a suitable moment to discuss issue’s and not at our son’s soccer match in the middle of all the parents earwigging?

    Yours A and M

  20. alex says:

    my husband had an affair and a baby resulted .He is back now but I still feel so much pain and hurt . I feel so unable to feel safe and am unsure of when he could do this again . Margaret

  21. Hi Al

    She will be asking for quite a few months so you will have to learn to practice against each questioning session by releasing your own self judgement and reactions.

    It’s all still raw and it takes up to 2 years to heal past the experience.

    Patience, great patience is a required part of getting back together to rebuild a new trust and relationship.

  22. @Alex: You never will know for sure if you allow things to go back to normal. For many that uncertainty will result in the marriage breaking up later.

    It’s all very human, but not normal: So don’t fall for the normal trap. Rather it is about reinventing the whole relationship. Business as usually ended up in the affair, so you know that doesn’t work. It’s about going beyond and finding what truly works for you now. Don’t pretend it won’t happen again, that only repeats history, over and over again. If you can’t feel right or settled in your relationship with your partner, then it’s time to make changes. If those changes don’t work out then it becomes time to release the relationship.

  23. Kikki says:

    I had an affair, my husband discovered it. We spent a year in counseling, me trying to discover if I really love my husband but was hurt by his verbally abusive style, (I do love him!). He worked on “becoming a man I wouldn’t leave or cheat on.” He became more loving, talking to me with respect, we felt back in love. Then he found a very old e-mail to my counselor saying I was still having thoughts of the other man- this was just 2 months after our split- and my husband has come undone, a 180 degree turn, says he wants to leave, and even goes to a strip bar once a week. (doesn’t know I know). I am so sad that we almost made it, I want to help him through this, I continue to work on myself but is there anything I can do to help him? It seems to me that although he worked on changing his behaviors, he never dealt with the pain of the affair. Since he already went to counseling and “it didn’t work” he won’t go back.

  24. @Kikki: Give him a few months to catch up with himself. Then re-evaluate. If required then consider separation as an option.

    Rebuilding trust is a very hard thing to do and it doesn’t take much to re-shatter that trust. The old email he found shattered his trust. Now you face a path of broken trust which is a path not everyone comes home from. If he doesn’t want help, then it becomes a longer path as he has a need to discover all the mistakes on his own.

  25. Paul says:

    I have had an emotional affair. I am married 9 years and have 2 girls 8 and 6. About a year and a half ago, I started having strong feelings about a girl at work. She was 30 and I was 43. I had already convinced myself that I had married the wrong woman before I met her. I was in a lot of pain at the time. The friend at work provided me with an escape and a glimpse of what life could be like with someone else other than my wife. She is married too with a child. She didn’t want anything physical to happen, when I suggested even though she wanted to too. That was over a year ago. We share a busy crowed office space and she sits 15 feet from me. The problem is I think I love her, I have been thinking about her constantly all this time. The relationship broke down because of my feelings for her although she still wanted to be friends but at a distance. This has only exasperated my feelings, and when I try to communicate with her she is uncomfortable and unwilling to discuss. We now do not talk at all anymore and barely say hello if we pass each other. I know that this should be let go, but I still think of her constantly. I took the brave step to tell my wife I had feelings for a girl in work, but I didn’t reveal the extent of the feelings. I also told her I wasn’t sure if I still wanted to be with her. She advised I seek cancelling and I had, it helped me address where I want to be, and whether I should stay with my wife. Even though I have feelings for someone else I realised I love my wife and she is a perfect fit for me. I need more help in moving past this emotional affair and I’m afraid to tell my wife the extent of my feelings for the girl in work because I don’t want to hurt her, and selfishly. Don’t want to lose her ether. Any guidance would be appreciated. Thank you

  26. Hi Paul:

    It’s going to take some hard work to move past what you are feeling. I do help directly teach people go thru exactly what you are going through right now. But it isn’t possible to give you a simple one or even 10 paragraph answer here in a comment.

    The fact is you want conflicting answers. You do need to shift and change parts of your life to have a better balance. The actual process ahead will take a year or two to come to terms with your transformation at hand. The process isn’t one or two large actions, rather it takes a series of many smaller actions that are tailored to you, which allow you to grow and address the frustrations you have in your life now.

    At first the process tackles the mid life crisis directly and we need to address the feelings that are creating the crisis. That will shift the mid life crisis into becoming a mid life transformation. Then while in transformation you will have to step thru dozens of smaller changes to get you to a stable new life.

    It is quite the process.

    You will need patience to tease apart the various issues in play, and then tackle each aspect separately.

  27. I just deleted a judgmental comment. While the poster might have meant well, it was still judgmental and from a place of not knowing the full situation in play. Any comment posted here only contains the smallest sliver of the picture in play from any one person.

    Not everyone should stay married and not everyone should give up on their marriage. It is case by case depending on many factors.

    Judgmental advice will always create conflict and often pushes people in the wrong direction. Judgmental statements will always be deleted from comments.

  28. H says:

    Hi,
    My husband had an emotional affair two months ago ,he is 33 years old,nd i 29 years.the woman single 29 years nd she with him at work and she was the one who start this relation by telling him that she is like him.we have a lot of problems nd conflicts since we got married 7 years ago we hav 2 kids.nd all that time I feel like he did not show me any respect nd he told me many times tha t he regrets married me ne I felt the same in some points but I love him so much.nd I knew that he talking with his first love nd telling her that he is had a bad life nd he stay in this marriage just for kids sake that was 2 months ago, nd he told the woman who he has affair with her now same talk.i let him know that i will leave him when i knew about his first love but he promises me to be straight ne never do it again ne we need a fresh start,then I knew this is midlife crisis because he want to change his career too.nd I choose to stay wiz him.but when I know about the new affair,I didn’t tell him that I knew about it,in same time can’t Handle my jealous when I saw him texting her all the time ne calling her am afraid the things will get complicated with her bs turns to loving her very much.nd am trying to get a life ne be strong but he hold my back ne always let me feel that i dont have anything to do it cause am a housewife nd i never work befor.he Gets me frustrated.do u think this is really midlife crisis or we aren’t Compatible(am not the right person for him )??

  29. Hi H

    Actually, many people are in a relationship in which they are not compatible. This is part of the reason mid life crisis is a time when relationships break.

    By time a person comes to me the odds are often at the 50 / 50 point if the marriage can be recreated successfully. With my help I can often tip those odds in be your favor. However, all too many people try to force their odds to be 95% towards having to fix everything which then ironically breaks everything. It’s a very delicate process guiding two people back into a relationship at this stage.

    The problem is people resist what is more graceful for them in order to keep the older stories of what they had alive. This creates the baseline for most difficult break ups.

    Even worse, it’s possible the chemistry for one person to be bad, but because another person is so entrenched in various stories, that they feel the compatibility is actually good. In other words many times relationships are very lopsided.

    I can’t answer from a quick comment if you and your partner are compatible, I haven’t talked to either of you so I cannot know that answer.

    Rather you have to look deep down into your life and decide that for yourself. Chances are if you are asking then most likely the simple truth is your relationship has reach a point of incompatibility.

    If this is the case then it’s a question of how to release and grow into something better. For some the better answer is to end the relation. For others the best answer is to work on the relationship. Either way it’s a hard path ahead for each of you.

    I focus a person on working on the activities that help them get strong. In this manner no matter which answer and path is taken, you can be successful and back on your feet as quickly as possible.

  30. Ppp says:

    Dear Casey,
    I am turning 49 next month, my husband is 12 years younger. From the time I dated him he stressed the point of wanting a baby. We have had financial hardship since meeting, and we could not afford invitro and surrogacy. I returned to school and completed my BS and an Undergrad Certificate.
    I knew things were not right, our sex life stopped; I asked what was wrong, what could I do to make things easier blah blah blah.
    Long story short, he has a 24 year old girl pregnant. The daughter he raised with me is 18. I have decided this is his crisis.
    I am trying to help my daughter get ready for the military and prepare for life outside home.
    I have lost 22 pounds and am strength training. I have begun graduate school. I am happier than ever.
    I have a new apartment which will be ready August 1.
    This is my 3rd relationship.
    6 years- 14 years. Please help me direct my thinking.
    I am not sure if the matter is I attract men without looking deep enough to know they have deep seated issues.
    Or are they good men who mistake my kindness for weakness.
    I am tired of finding myself in relationships of loneliness which dredge the bottom of my soul.
    I have found a new love, scuba diving. Under water there is only my breath, and life and the sweet wrap of pressure. BELONGING
    My goal is to present for the ones who love me, respect me and choose to share my moment.
    I am not mad, just empowered.
    Ppp

  31. @Ppp: That is great to turn it around and be empowered. Releasing your partner with grace, releasing judgement, will be key in you healing yourself and also finding partners who better match you in the future.

    So yes do as you are. You are becoming more complete. In this you will then over time attract partners that likewise are more complete.

    How you move on and hold yourself does also shape who you meet in the future. So work on holding this with an open mind and heart both. Be strong and allow yourself to expand with the activities that reinforced you.

    The mistake people make is to try to find the partner first and themselves second.

    It’s the other way around. You find yourself first and then after that the partner that matches to who you are -> will follow.

  32. Malorie says:

    Hi Casey,

    I have been reading all the comments you posted, which have been very helpful so far.
    My husband is going thru midlife crisis, he’s turning 37 at the end of the months. For some reason about 2 years ago-in 2012- I saw it coming, call it intuition.. I asked him about it, I asked him if he thought he would have one. His answered was no and his reasons were that he traveled all around the world and had all the fun he could have, so a midlife crisis was out of question.
    But deep down something was telling me to prepare myself.
    When the MLC actually manifested, everything went out of control. I though I would have enough awareness to detach from it, i couldn’t. I also thought I would exactly know how to ask him for what he needs, but I couldn’t as our communication style was already in the form of blame.
    To make things short, he’s cheated and has now left me. I feel like a total failure for not being able to deal with the situation. But at the same time, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my back. The amount of attention and care-taking that he needed was just too much for a wife to give. I often felt like what he needed was the love and care of a mother, unconditional love. Is that even possible? And what does it mean? Where exactly does one set boundaries? I ended up taking the role of the mother, which is from my experience very incompatible with that of the wife. One reason being that intimacy becomes very awkward.

    Anyway, when he said he wanted to leave, I did not resist and said it was his journey to experience.
    Something inside tells me he will come back at some point, maybe just to test the ‘temperature’. I will have to make a decision (I think) and commit to it.
    But I have a hard time making a decision because it is diametrically opposite whether it comes from my gut or my mind.
    Also I know that he would have had other ‘experiences’ with other women. How does one deal with that? Plus, I would be his last choice, not the first. Obviously this question is very ego-driven, but how does one goes past that? I have practice kindness and compassion, but I realized that he would get worse, seeing me as naive and lacking self-esteem. I do believe in kindness though and refuse to act the opposite, but how do you keep your respect doing that?
    Malorie

  33. Malorie: Midlife marriage issues are delicate and tricky. The best paths are often the least obvious ones.

    You have to accept the man who is having that affair isn’t spiritually the man you married. If he is with another woman, that isn’t your man at all.

    The question isn’t about if he will return to being who he was.

    This is all about who you are becoming now. So in giving him space you are giving yourself space to grow.

    Here is a simple trick.

    Every time you think about him being with another woman, every time your stomach turns… turn it around into resolution to grow better yourself, to make life yours and become a newer person.

    Then with a year or so two people might meet, and they may smile at each other and start a whole new relationship based on love again rather than forcing everything to fit together.

    Kindness isn’t about being nice, it is about allowing people to go beyond the normal expected story lines handed to us. This includes yourself: go beyond the expected or normal.

  34. Karen says:

    Hi Casey, my just turned 50 year old husband is definitely in a MLC. He moved out twice now – once in April and again in June – returning both times after 2-3 weeks. Last night he texted that he would not be home but would be home “tomorrow” (today) and “we will talk then.” At first he said he was moving in with a female coworker who had a spare room for rent and that it was only for financial purposes. This person is 41, in the midst of a legal separation, with a 5 year old and 9 year old. She works at the same company as my husband, which I pointed out at the beginning was not a good idea. Anyhow, I have been taking counseling to help me realize it is not my problem, and not get involved in the drama. When he returned 2 weeks ago, he stated immediately that he would not be leaving again, and said he just wants to work on his cars and be able to use the debit card when he wants to (that’s a whole ‘nother story which I won’t go into here) — both of those have been happening since he returned. No problem. I’m sure that when he returns home tonight, he is expecting me to be a raving b*tch filled with anger and jealousy … the real truth is I am neither angry nor jealous, I have complete empathy for what he is dealing with, and while I neither condone nor appreciate what has happened, I respect him and am glad to see that something makes him happy, whether it’s true happiness or just an illusion of happiness. What should I continue to do so as to “help” him in his quest yet allowing me to continue to grow as well, with no judgmental feelings on what has happened. Thanks!

  35. @Maria: I removed your comment since it centers upon drug abuse topics we don’t cover here on the site.

    But to answer your question:

    “Do I have a future with my husband?”

    Understand you have your own and the children’s future to work against. As long as your husband abuses his own future, there is no future with him. Grace at times means to move on. If a partner has committed to self destruct in abuse then the choice has also been made by them: -> For you to move on.

  36. @Karen: if a partner is acting in judgement there is nothing you can do which doesn’t reflect back to them against their own judgement.

    His quest isn’t your quest in this case.

    Your path is finding yourself. It isn’t for you to help, hinder, teach, judge or heal him.

    It is for you to grow, find your future and live a better life on your own terms. With or without him. With him if he is kind, without him if he is in any way abusive.

  37. That Guy says:

    Casey,

    I have been with my wife for 17 years and married for the last 10. We have two children (twins, age 6)together. Last year when I turned 40, I now realize I was going through a midlife crisis. I have sort of a social personality and my wife and I rarely went out. The sex was 2-3 times a month as best where as my desire would be that a week. And worse yet there felt like no connection.

    I met a younger woman (24) at a bar and we instantly hit it off. Shes smart, beautiful witty AND social. And though she knew about my kids I lied to her and told her I was separated from my wife and living with a friend.

    For 5 months we spoke on the phone/texted/formed a connection before I flew out to meet her (she had been in town for the weekend) and finally made the relationship a physical one. But even more than that the weekend just showed me how happy i could be.

    But i’m also a realist. I understood that these conditions of the weekend were A) under false pretenses B) an environment not plaqued by everyday life. I also was obviously very concerned for my children as well as the entire family economic future.

    There was also history with the wife, who overall is beautiful and smart person I just wasnt connecting with any more.

    So I broke it off with my affair partner.

    I’ve been somewhat miserable ever since. I’m trying to do the “right” thing here and stay in the marriage, but every day I wake up with anxiety and pain over if i made the right choice. There are brief moments where I think how could i ever leave I love this woman followed by longing for the excitement and energy of the affair partner.

    My wife, who thinks this is all about a midlife crisis, has been great about trying to go out more (though the sex still isnt where id like it to be) but I often wonder If ive broken the marriage and I’ll ever be able to love her like I used to or even stay sane.

    Any advice?

  38. @That Guy:

    The path ahead is a longer one requiring many life changes to better match your spirit. Life changes that allow for a re-balancing of relationship.

    At this stage it isn’t about the marriage. It’s about how you gracefully re align life for yourself and those around you to balance out as many of the options that are important to you.

    Understanding no one answer will be perfect. Something will be wrong in any of the options you have.

    So you have to first work at understanding yourself and accepting who you are. Then rebuild out your relationships relative to what you can truly back with your spirit and actions.

    Not an easy choice. Especially since a person in crisis will lose most everything before they can realize the place to start is with themselves rather than fixing things outside of them.

    This is why I teach midlife change as midlife transformation rather than a crisis. You lose quickly when holding it as a crisis, you gain slowly if working to transformation.

    Slow is better, but it is harder to hold it for the distance.

    Again that is why a guide is so important. It’s too easy to go too fast when you have been taught to always go at 110% or to repeat the various traps the culture has taught you to unconsciously follow.

  39. Anonymous says:

    my husband was always cheating on me and even spends nights out. sometimes he even leave for the entire week end, pretending that he has work, but i know he just go meet women, my life was lame until
    i asked robinsonbuckler@yahoo. com to cast a spell for me. so that my husband can be a good man and after his spell, my husband changed automatically, he now spends much more time with me and the kids and we’re a family again

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