We seek companions that embrace life with us in a deep and harmonious manner. The highest ideal of these deep relationships is often labeled as “soul mate” in our culture. The desire to find our soul mate often blinds a person to not see:
- What is required to balance the actual relationship
- A relationship might need to shift into something different than the ideal being held by both people.
The simple truth is people push themselves and relationships too hard. The most profound reason a person isn’t finding their soul mate is because of trying too hard. Mix this deep desire of wanting a soul mate with modern culture’s perception that anyone could be a possible soul mate and you get the all too common relationship disaster.
The first step before finding your soul mate, is to take a step back to explore the nature of our relationships. Understanding the chemistry and variations of relationship helps us to better balance out all of our relationships.
All relationships, even the best ones, have hard challenges within them. Another common mistake is that people think a soul mate is when everything goes smoothly. This is not the case at all. Even soul mate relationships will have rocky points to overcome. Once you understand the types of relationships that exist and how to work with relationship chemistry you will be able to move ahead and find the person that matches down to very toes of your soul.
Relationship 101 Definitions
The first step in relationship 101 is understanding the types of relationships we have in life. People often limit their current relationship to only fit the patterns they saw when they were younger.
Worse modern culture only has a few patterns to work with. For instance: English has words for “soul mate” and “friend” but lacks any words for a special person who falls in between Friend and Soul Mate. I have added several new classifications: True Friend and Soul Companion. “Soul Companion” is a new term all together.
Lets start by reviewing the basic relationships most people experience in life. The first trap of relationships is to only limit relationships down to: Friend, Partner and Everyone Else. This really doesn’t help much because it forces people into categories that don’t cover all the different types of chemistry that do exist between people.
Types of Relationship
A person you know and interact with. Many people we consider as friends are really acquaintances. Generally speaking respect acquaintances, give them space as required and learn not to take seriously any judgments they may pass your way. Keep things simple and don’t push too hard on what to expect from an acquaintance.
A person you enjoy spending extra time with. In this friendships are measured by the time & activities you share with that person. Since time is limited, this why the number of good friends we have gets limited by how we spend time with others. If you don’t have time for a person then they aren’t a friend they are really an acquaintance. Likewise, if one of your friends never seems to have time for you, then they really are treating you only as an acquaintance.
This is a person who won’t judge you. A true friend is a relationship that transcends time and this friendship isn’t defined by how much time you do spend with them. You might be with a true friend for only 5 minutes and yet that 5 minutes lasts a lifetime. They won’t hold you back nor measure you. True friends are true treasures. Not many people can hold another without judgment.
Simply defined: A person who has been connected to you for a long time.
We are Body, Mind and Spirit. This means three different types of Old Friends.
- Old friends of the Mind have spent a long time sharing or even building a connected story.
- Old friends of the Body have spent much time sharing in physical activities.
- An Old Friend of Spirit is someone that moves along in the same direction as you over a life time, even across lifetimes. You could be working on different things, creating very different stories and yet there is a harmony between you and an old friend of spirit
Just because a person is an old friend doesn’t necessarily make them a true friend. Some enemies for example will call each other old friends due the the amount of time they have spent sparring against each other. Also Old Friends of the mind can go away very quickly, especially when a person has shifted their personal story deeply. In fact old friends of the mind can come into conflict when trying to force another back into an older story.
An old friend of spirit is usually not a Karmic relationship. Karmic relationships exist to teach a lesson against. Compared to an old friend of spirit where two connect across lifetimes only because they like to flow with each other. Usually there isn’t a karmic debt between you and another as old friends of spirit.
Old Friends can be tricky because with the length of time we know another person, people are often tempted to assume or push the connection the old friends to be deeper than it really is in reality. So understand, even with old friends care needs to be taken in how you relate against each.
This is a rarer situation, but becoming ever more common. When two people have drifted apart and yet are forced to keep a friendship thru a bond that transcends each person. This happens most commonly with two adults with children that end up divorcing from each other. The children bind those two people together eternally and yet often times these two adults cannot just be best friends any more. Eternal friend is a new named I coined for this type of friendship. It symbolizes the fact you have a deep external connection, where ideally you should work closely together but are also far apart. By giving it a new name, a couple won’t be trapped in trying to force the relationship to be that of a best friend, but the two people need to work with each other in ways that are greater than just a simple friendship.
Now great care must be used with defining an Eternal Friend. When relationships reach a trouble spot, it isn’t always possible to know if two people can become closer and evolve into a soul mate or if the relation is drifting apart into becoming an Eternal friend. I have found that it can take up to a year, allowing each partner to grow to determine which direction the relationship is truly moving towards.
An Eternal Friend is technically a subset of being a partner. However, after divorce people don’t want to refer to each other as partners any more. So I created the term Eternal Friend to help give a touch extra “social” distance between the two ex-Married partners. I use the word “eternal” to indicate despite the distancing that might need to happen between the two friends, obligations or other larger events are going to tie these two people together for a long time.
I use the word eternal to reinforce the need to take care with this type of friend. The last thing you want to create is an eternal enemy instead! Since when you push too hard to break away, when a long term connection is still present, it becomes all too easy to push too hard to break that old friend and create a person becomes eternally against you. All too often this happens with two divorced people in western culture.
Since Eternal Friend is a new term it has no social baggage associated with it and it’s easier for two people to come to common separate terms within the Eternal Friend concept.
This represents a person who we need to learn a deep life lesson from. Often times the lesson we need to learn is only apparent and learned after the Karmic relationship ends. Karmic relationship often teach us the lessons we don’t want to face on our own. Often times Karmic relationships don’t survive past the lesson being taught. Be careful with a Karmic relationship. Karmic relationships often start hot and furious. It isn’t uncommon for a person to mistake a karmic relationship to be a soul mate. I see this happen quite a bit actually. Fortunately many times the conflict that does occur in karmic relationship breaks relationships up before marriage happens, but it’s very intense and and often passionate up front.
A person that shares social obligations with you, obligations that actually define how you appear in public. Partners can mixed with other categories. So it’s possible you can have a Partner who is more of an acquaintance than friend. People tend to push “Partner” into meaning more due to the shared social obligations you have with each other. Many divorced partners with children fall into the eternal friend category since they can’t stomach the term of partner anymore.
So what is a soul mate? No where are we taught in western culture what soul mate is 100%:
The generic definition of soul mate is super wide open:
A soul mate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality
So first understand your definition may not fit to your partner’s definition. This can create problems, as you and your partner could actually be working to different ideals of soul mate. Some people don’t even think soul mates exist.
A soul mate is a person who you connect to without even needing to speak. A soul mate will help you grow even if it means losing you. A soul mate shares in kindness and non-judgement, but they are one of the few people we will trust with judgement. Finally a soul mate is a person we are mated to with a deep and honest sexual connection also.
It is the mate aspects of Soul Mate where people often fall short. Since in reality people try to force a person into a Soul Mate relationship and then get confused by adding sex to the equation and then everything falls apart. The simple truth is our culture doesn’t understand there is another level of companionship called Soul Companion.
A soul companion is almost the same as a Soul Mate except there isn’t either the need or desire for a mated sexual union.
At times a person will marry their soul companions and then over time discover the relationship doesn’t work, because sexually they are not 100% compatible. This is more common than what you might think. Trying to force a Soul Companion to be a Soul Mate can at times end in a disaster. Our needs relative to sexuality is very complicated dance. It can be fine to marry a soul companion, but it’s highly timing dependent on many factors happening in each person’s life.
A soul companion is truly spiritually close to you, you know each other down to the soul level. It’s a powerful place to be.
But just because you know a person to their soul, doesn’t mean they also need to be your biological mate.
Just because someone was your biological mate in the past, doesn’t make them a soul mate in the now either .
Often times same sex soul companions will get confused since they feel this deep connection with certain friends and they might even feel a sexual edge. So for some people understanding there is this deeper connection with some people can also improve their same sex relationships. Make no mistake soul companions are powerful connections. Since sex is also about definition and relation, it’s at the sexual level that soul companion becomes a confusing topic to come to terms with. Once you remove the need to define soul companion as being your mate or sexual partner it truly opens you up to many special relationships.
Now you may ask how many soul companions can a person have. I don’t know, Generally speaking I see people with 1 to 3 soul companions in their life. More is certainly possible but probably is rare also, since it requires a special blending of non judgement and judgement to temper such a relationship. Just because Soul companions exist, don’t try to force normal friendships into being a soul companionship either.
Understanding that there is this deep Soul Companion level truly helps to open up a deeper relationship. To remove the confusing deeper sexual overtones can actually free up two people to start again building up a more honest relationship.
A soul companion you have social obligations to.
More generic term I use to reference both soul mate and soul companion since the two states are so similar.
Julie and I help people come to terms within their friendships. The teachings on a Personal Tao about kindness and non judgment help balance out friendships in an amazing manner. Don’t hesitate to get a touch of help when you need it to sort out a relationship. When things go sideways a touch of help can make all the difference.
Life is a dance. Enjoy dancing with those who will compliment your life. Bow out of the dance when it isn’t time to dance and welcome new dance partners as they join in to your life.
Julie and Casey
Now lets dive into helping you find your soul mate. We have created a more in depth video to help you move ahead in your relationship.
Finding Your SoulMate Video
Learn how to understand relationships better and how to find your soul mate.
This hour long video will step you through what a true relationship looks like and how to understand the dynamics of a relationship.
Discover you don’t have to be alone, in figuring out how to improve your relationship.