What is a SoulMate?
The dictionary definition of a soulmate is:
A soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, and spirituality.
Let’s take this a step further and make it easier to spot and define a soulmate.
Soulmates will have these ten qualities present.
- A person you accept without thinking. There is a deep and unspoken respect between both of you.
- You have chemistry of the body. Your instincts have kicked in to feel as if this person is your mate. When you touch this person, your body calms down into a deep peace.
- You have chemistry of mind. You complete each other’s stories in life.
- You have chemistry of spirit. Everything flows with smoothness.
- Without knowing why, you would die for and live for this person.
- This person inspires you to improve yourself over time.
- Conversation never gets old between the two of you.
- You feel no need to control or limit this person. Soulmates don’t limit each other which means this is a judgment-free relationship.
- A person you can let go of gracefully
- Perfect timing.
Soulmates are not unique. In other words for the sake of argument lets say a soulmate is a 1 in a 100,000 relationship.
Most older and deeper relationships fail the soul mate test at points 8 or 9 because of forcing a relationship or being unable to give space to their partner. Bad timing is what excludes us from meeting most soulmates in our life.
Our highest ideal companion is someone that embraces life with us in a deep and harmonious manner. This deep relationship is what we call “soulmate” in our culture. The desire to find our soul mate often blinds a person not to see:
- What is required to balance the actual relationship
- Our current relationship might need to shift into something different than the ideal being held by either person in the relationship.
The simple truth is: everyone pushes themselves and their relationships too hard!
Soulmate Trap #1
A most profound reason a person doesn’t find a soulmate is that of trying too hard. Mix this deep desire of wanting a soulmate with modern culture’s perception that anyone could be a possible soul mate and you get the all too common hopping from one relationship disaster to the next.
Soulmate Trap #2
All relationships, even the best ones, have hard challenges within them. Another common mistake is that people think relationship smoothness is a measure of a soulmate. This is not the case at all. Even soulmate relationships will have rocky points to overcome.
Soulmate Trap #3
Unequal chemistry. Chemistry is the deep driver of soulmates. However, chemistry isn’t always equal! Just because you feel a deep chemistry for one person doesn’t mean the chemistry is balanced and equal in return. If a person doesn’t have equal chemistry back towards you, your advances will only push them away. So in addition to trusting your senses, you need must examine how the other person responds to your attention.
Soulmate Trap #4
Don’t only concentrating on your physical chemistry. Physical chemistry can be so powerful that it overwhelms a person. So much so you don’t pay attention to the chemistry of the mind or spirit. A strong physical chemistry will be enough to keep two people together for 2 to 7 years. Longer lasting relationships also require spiritual (direction) and the mind (your stories) chemistries to be in sync also for two people.
So what is a soulmate? Nowhere are we taught in western culture what soulmate is 100%:
Understand your definition may not fit your partner’s definition. If you each hold different ideals of a soulmate, that is enough to break two people apart from being a soulmate. Some people don’t even think soulmates exist.
A soul mate is a person who you connect to without even needing to speak. A soulmate will help you grow even if it means losing you. A soul mate shares in kindness and non-judgment, but they are one of the few people we will trust with judgment.
Chemistry is what makes or breaks two people as being soulmates. To use an analogy, a relationship requires connection and current to work. Like a fuse, each type of chemistry carries 10 amps of the relationship load. So Body, Mind, and Spirit altogether carry 30 amps of relationship load. An average relation runs on 8 to 16 amps of current. Most people do get by with lighter relationship connections. However, a soulmate is a 24 amp relationship. It requires all three chemistries to be strong and vibrant.
When people try to push a relationship to be deeper than the chemistry isn’t strong enough to support then relationship burns out.
This is why personal growth is so important in finding soulmates. We all have issues; issues can disrupt chemistry and how strong of a relationship we can hold in life. Timing includes taking the time to improve oneself and be in a stronger position later in life to support a deeper soulmate connection.
Soulmates and Sex
Finally, a soulmate is a person we are mated to with a deep and honest sexual connection also.
It’s the mate aspects of soul mate where people often fall short. Since in reality, people try to force a person into a soulmate relationship before they know if they have a good sexual connection. Once sex is added to the equation, at times, it falls apart. When this is the case, you have a different type of relationship. The simple truth is our culture doesn’t understand there is a slightly simpler level of soulmate called Soul Companion.
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A soul companion is almost the same as a soul mate except there isn’t either the need or desire for a mated sexual union.
At times a person will marry their soul companions and then over time discover the relationship doesn’t work because sexually they are not 100% compatible. This is more common than what you might think. Trying to force a soul companion to be a soul mate can at times end in a disaster. Our needs relative to sexuality is very complicated dance. It can be fine to marry a soul companion, but it’s highly timing dependent on many factors happening in each person’s life.
A soul companion is truly spiritually close to you; you know each other down to the soul level. It’s a powerful place to be.
But just because you know a person to their soul, doesn’t mean they also need to be your biological mate.
Just because someone was your biological mate in the past, doesn’t make them a soul mate in the now either.
Often same-sex soul companions will get confused since they feel this deep connection with certain friends and they might even feel a sexual edge. So for some people understanding there is this deeper connection with some people can also improve their same-sex relationships. Make no mistake soul companions are powerful connections. Since sex is also about definition and relation, it’s at the sexual level that soul companion becomes a confusing topic to come to terms with. Once you remove the need to define soul companion as being your mate or sexual partner it truly opens you up to many special relationships.
Now you may ask how many soul companions can a person have. I don’t know, Generally speaking, I see people with 1 to 3 soul companions in their life. More is certainly possible but probably is rare also, since it requires a special blending of nonjudgment and judgment to temper such a relationship. Just because soul companions exist, don’t try to force normal friendships into being a soul companionship either.
Understanding that there is this deep Soul Companion level truly helps to open up a deeper relationship. To remove the confusing deeper sexual overtones can actually free up two people to start again building up a more honest relationship.
In practice, a twin flame is a karmic soulmate!
People tend to seek a twin flame as an extra strong soulmate. What they don’t understand, is that the karmic aspect of the twin flame relationship often breaks two people apart. The challenge within a twin flame relationship is to resolve out the karmic lessons involved in the relationship. Only after two people have resolved the karmic issues will a twin flame relationship become a more sustainable soulmate.
The intense initial pull of twin flame relationships often fools two people into moving too fast with each other. Without moderation and hard work, most twin flame relationships do burn out.
An Overview to Finding Your Soulmate.
The first truth in how to find your soulmate is to understand the nature of a soulmate. It’s strange, but most people don’t sit down to figure out what a soulmate is. As a result, people often force the wrong person into fitting the soulmate mold. If you want to know how to find your soulmate, then you need to actually “know,” rather than wing it in understanding what a soulmate is.
Many people are running around trying to find a soulmate, thinking they will automatically feel their soulmate, simply by how effortless it will be or by the intense connection they will feel. Well, this isn’t how to find your soulmate and not true at all. Unfortunately, our biology will often trick us into feeling another is a soulmate by focusing you in on the mate aspects of a relationship. Our species does desire to continue onward, and as a result, biological chemistry can blind two people into falling into love for a shorter relationship for purposes of having children.
A soulmate is more than just physical chemistry; it includes mind (our stories) and spiritual (our flow) chemistry also. However, at the beginning of many relationships, physical chemistry does tend to have the most powerful vote of the three aspects of our nature. Physical chemistry is only enough to get two people seven years along in their relationship (Hence the 7-year itch). To make the distance of 20 or more years, you truly need mind, body, and spirit all to agree on the chemistry.
Additionally, relationships with soulmates are still a relationship. All relationships have issues, even the best ones. A soulmate relationship might have fewer problems than most relationships, but even a soulmate relationship will have its challenges. Our Tree of Love article will teach you about what comprises a relationship.
At different points of life, we look for different attributes to compliment us. Psychologically we change quite a bit in our maturing process every seven to nine years. As a result, the advice to find a soulmate does vary depending on where we are in life. Understand the variations of how we perceive and match to our soul partners over time does factor into how to find your soulmate.
The First Step in How to Find Your Soulmate.
(1) Taking time to be your own person.
A soulmate compliments you. Your strength works with their strength. To focus in on your weakness means you won’t find your soulmate. To live to your weakness is to find a person who compliments your weaknesses. Such a relationship is a co-dependent relationship. Co-Dependent relationships always burn out or move on in the end. Co-Dependency at first feels balanced, but the problem is as you change it spins out of control. So ironically for Co-Dependency to survive also means always to be staying within your weakness.
We need to grow. Yes, we can focus on a weakness, to grow from that weakness. But never stay weak on purpose to keep a relationship going. That just comes at the cost of your own life.
Also to keep a person in a relationship for the sake of a relationship is a weakness that destroys a relationship.
We all have issues. A relationship is about complimenting our issues also.
This may seem like a contradiction at first, but it isn’t.
Our soulmates will help us work out of our issues, help us acknowledge them and then find healthy ways to work with our flaws to always be growing. A soulmate will never hold us back in our issues. A soulmate will allow us to make small mistakes but then will help you avoid large problems. We need to learn from our mistakes and grow.
The Second Step to Not Force A Relationship.
(2) Non Judgment.
We think we know who compliments us and then judge others who would be our best mate. Ironically people are blind to the missing aspects of their soul and issues. It’s not effective to only use logic to find the person who compliments you. This is why dating services do such a poor job using algorithms to find a partner for others.
Now a problem happens during the harder times of life.
The harder points of life are when we judge our partners the most. Also if you happen to be the midst of a great change such as adolescence, quarter-life crisis or midlife crisis, everything is shifting too fast to make sense of any of it. No one can know who their soulmate when they are in the middle of a crisis. (this is why soulmates can break apart in crisis). Acceptance of a soulmate comes after the crisis has passed after you release all measurements of who is best for you. You cannot measure clothing for a child as if they were an adult! Likewise, you don’t measure partners while you or they are in great change. Picking a person who is best for you in the middle of any crisis doesn’t match very well for later after you have grown up from your crisis.
Release trying to find prospective partners or to hold existing partners based on measurements (judgment) especially if you are in the middle of great change.
The Third Step of Awareness.
In the end, without awareness, a person is moving blindly in their life. Part of awareness is to explore and to be willing to meet and talk to different people to both understand chemistry and how we react to others. Awareness lets us work to our essence. Awareness, as a practice, is about connection. To make sure that when we do find a deep connection, that the connection is complete of mind, body, and spirit.
Without awareness equally from both parties, a relationship is blind and only one-sided at best and will fail.
Relative to a midlife crisis or any major change point.
A person’s awareness is focused for the first year or two back into themselves. Transformation points of life are truly about change, so it’s important that a person’s awareness does focus back inward for this period. This is required to help them sort out who they are and how to change. However, since awareness is required to complete the connection to your soul partner, this also means that a midlife transformation process or a larger life crisis very easily disrupts the bond between partners. During this period if the partner tries to reestablish the bond, the person in midlife transformation could just move further away, in an attempt to keep their focus on their growth. It will appear the person in midlife crisis is selfish, (and often seemingly childish in how to try to reclaim their space. This is because they haven’t yet figured out how to express what they are feeling yet).
Understand a person in crisis or midlife change has their attention focused on what they feel are required changes in their transformation. A person in midlife change will move away or fight back to reclaim their space from anyone, including soul partners, who gets in the way of this personal reconfiguration process. This is why midlife transformation can and does break soul partners apart. One person needs to change while the partner resists the change. Two powerful mind states that come into direct conflict and it isn’t a fun time to experience at all.
The Fourth Step of Pacing Oneself.
(4) Patience and Acceptance.
Once one is patient enough to accept their life, relationships improve dramatically.
I have a seen a simple trend.
On average, if you are patient, aware, centered and living in a decent sized community, you will come across a possible soul companion or soulmate once every three years.
This will vary of course from person to person. But it seems to be a good baseline that is accurate if you work with the teachings I offer. I find my students have a high degree of success in finding their Soul Companions / Soulmates after they work with me. Non Judgement and kindness (working to essence) is a powerful path to explore, and it has some nice benefits regarding improved relationships.
The Final Step
(5) Relationship Calibration
Relationship calibration is a special and unique teaching from Personal Tao. We teach a person how to recognize and match up chemistry. We teach you to understand your own essence and how to find another person with a compatible essence. We teach this process for our students so they can be confident to find a perfect match in life. Contact us if you want to learn more about relationship calibration.
A profound Soulmate truth:
Not every potential soul companion you come across will become a soul companion. It all depends on timing, conditions and other factors at the moment of meeting.
Once you have taken the time to be your own person and grow. It improves the chances of your soul companion noticing you. After you have learned to be aware and not just react. It improves your chances of spotting a soul companion. It takes both of you to connect and for awareness of what that connection means for the process to begin truly. Once you have become patient, it improves the odds that conditions will be right to embrace your soul companion fully.
I have developed a series of tests to help find your soulmate that I share with students and clients. The soulmate video on this page will teach you these tests. Also, you can arrange a session with us directly to help you find your soulmate.
Discover you don’t have to be alone, in figuring out how to improve your relationship.