Midlife Crisis and Transformations

Midlife TransformationThe term Midlife Crisis brings up many images. In America, it brings up deriding images of a person buying a red sports car, daydreams of flings, broken marriages and people acting as a child again.

In reality, a Midlife Crisis represents a deeper possibility for a person to become their dreams. However, those dreams are hard to realize within an un-supportive society and without clear personal understanding of the actual experience. People often end up hurting themselves in the process of trying to change. A person’s life carries a lot of momentum from the past that tumbles them about heedlessly upon trying to change to be something new.

Midlife Crisis is an unfortunate label applied to those working through these transitional times of their life. So the first step to understanding this process is to understand what crisis is:

Crisis is a turning point when change must happen to prevent the break down of the former order of things. Crisis is not a time of trouble: unless doing nothing. Crisis is a time for transformation and opportunity.

The truth: Midlife Crisis is really a Midlife Transformation.

The reason I became a healer evolved from the fact few people truly understand and support Midlife Transformations. As a result of my own experience and helping others, I have opened up a healing practice to help guide people within their own midlife transformation process.

Some basic observations about Midlife Transformations.

  • It’s a time of change. Many people hurt themselves and those they love by resisting change. Holding onto the past will tear a person and family apart during a time of change.Often times the pain of resisting change causes people to revert back to old habits. A midlife crisis is not a sure thing. Human nature desiring comfort and the social pressure resisting change are powerful forces shaping a person’s life. The majority of people going through midlife crisis actually fail for these and other reasons.Mid life transformation can be one of the most beautiful and amazing times in a person’s life when flowing with change and the support of others. Or it can be a nightmare of confusion mixed to the actions of people actively hindering your path. When facing such a nightmare most people embrace past comforts to resist the transformation and actually re-transform back into an image of their old life.The direction of change isn’t always forward, A MidLife Crisis is often experienced stumbling backwards.
  • A time to experiment with new perspectives. Since this represents a changing of life. A person moving down this path will not have the years of experience to safely make choices with known outcomes. As a result people make many mistakes as they experiment around with new ideas and actions.
  • A time to reconnect to the freedom of a child. Midlife Transformation closely resembles the time of being a child when you had to learn everything newly. People experiencing a midlife crisis will at times act as a child again as they are literally picking up where they left off from their childhood. This often means the resurfacing of many problems and dramas which were buried as a child. As a result sometimes within a midlife transformation a person can also be trying to resolve childhood issues. This just makes the process more confusing at times.
  • A time to simplify. With so many changes happening, a person often simplifies their life to help figure out what’s important to them. During the process of simplification often times a person will toss away a bit more than they bargain for.
  • A time to break out of mis-matched relationships. People often use relationships to crutch their life. The trouble is when changing, a person will discover that the crutches no longer fit or are painful to wear. As a result relationships at times are tossed to the side during this process of change.Often times relationships break during a midlife crisis. Why? Simply because the partner isn’t at a point of change themselves, or they are changing in a different direction with different needs. Partners are often are in conflict since they may not want changes to occur. The statement often heard is: “you are not the man I married” This phrase illustrates how drastic a mid life transformation truly is in changing a person. The extra strain of one person needing change, while the other person holds back is enough to break many relationships. Even if the relationship doesn’t break, many people end up unhappy when partners don’t sufficiently support the requirements of a new balance.
  • Society is unsupportive of midlife change. It’s not in the interest of society to encourage midlife change. From a very basic view point midlife crisis disrupts people and resources from flowing smoothly. Also people going through mid life transformation have tendencies to want to change society. Society will resist such changes itself: firstly by encouraging people not to change, secondly by helping people to stay the same and finally by alienation of those who disrupt the norms of society.
  • A time of Mental, Physical and Spiritual evolution. One myth of the midlife crisis is it’s only in the mind. A midlife crisis occurs within a very real physical transition time point in the human body. It’s a very similar experience as a teenager switching from a child’s body to an adult. Surprisingly western culture doesn’t have a term for the physical changes as not everyone experiences it quite the same way or same time point. While it seems to start frequently around 37 to 42 years of age, it can happen sooner or later in life. Also many aspects of the physical changes are subtle changes in hormones, physical condition and attributes. Other aspects might be very apparent in the aches and pains of an aging body.One part of helping a person transverse a midlife crisis is to establish a new set of physical practices to help the body transition. This is a nice opportunity to take up yoga, Qi Gong, change diets, martial arts or even something as simple as a jogging practice to stimulate the transformation process.Another aspect of helping a person transform is to help reveal the missing parts of their life. We are each a combination of Mind, Body and Spirit, yet so many people concentrate on the Mind or Body or Spirit at the exclusion of the other parts. Midlife transformations are usually a time to fill and strengthen the missing parts of a person’s life.
  • True Mid Life Transformation is a process that spans years. Another misunderstanding about this process is thinking that this is a relatively quick single event of a few months. In fact even the term “Midlife Crisis” gives the impression of a sudden single event. It’s not. The transformation process is often a series of events that span several years. Think about how being a teenager was a process that took 5 or 6 years, A Midlife transformation takes a similar time period. Typically I see people working through this period of transformation for 5 to 8 years. The process occurs in a series of transformative waves two to three years in length. Just when a person thinks they are done changing, everything then starts again and another series of events rocks their life.So: A midlife crisis will appear to some as being a brief fling, as people do suppress the change or actually re-transform back into an image of their old life. A large amount of outside pressure exists to make this the case. The power of our mind is very strong and the capability to suppress or even deny change is a very strong human trait.Compared to:
    A midlife transformation as a series of life changes to become complete. To be the person you yearn to be.
  • Some don’t experience a Midlife transformation. A few souls balance and flow through life in such a way to seemingly never go through a midlife transformation.Humanity is a spectrum of experience. Not every one goes through a midlife crisis. The whole process is complicated being dependant upon many variables such as culture, support of friends and family, how a person lives life itself and so many other factors.A midlife transformation isn’t a time of judgment or comparing your own experience to others. This is a time of acceptance and learning to flow with your life, body, mind and spirit to live as completely to your own nature as possible. In the American culture where so many are taught to be someone else from childhood, to chase an American dream of wealth: midlife crisis is a relatively common event, as many spend time not being themselves.

 

MidLife Crisis

Mid Life Summary

I work with people on a case by case basis, since each person is a unique tapestry of needs, past events needing resolution, different future goals, different mixes of partners, supporting past obligations: all mixed together in the chaos of change. As a result, the process of aid is a delicate balance of patience and understanding.

The most important aspect for a person undergoing going a Midlife Transformation is to accept their nature is changing. It’s important to approach this time of life not as a crisis but as a time for transformation and opportunity. It’s not something that can be rushed or forced into a vision. Rather this is a time of following the needs of mind, body and spirit equally.

It’s also important to understand, in change, resides the loss of old comforts and support. Often time’s painful moments have to be embraced, experienced and accepted before the final transformation can occur.

Another important tool is to witness your own life. Document and explore your life with a journal, art, music, playing an instrument, dance, poetry and being open to witnessing how others see you. A problem within the midlife transformation is the action of changing places a person within a blind-spot to seeing their own nature. As a result, our shifting outer form is never quite what the mind perceives. Our minds cannot see ourselves purely. Journals, art, music, playing musical instruments, poetry, the observation of others all give critical feedback to help view one’s nature and guide the transformation rather than shift blindly to illusions of what we think we are.

If you decide to explore art please remember: the art isn’t about creating a masterpiece, it’s simply about witnessing yourself. Art is an amazing tool to explore life and find place in the world. These are two qualities of life that people seek within their midlife transformation. Some people hesitate to use art or music at this point since it often seems daunting or it brings up bad experiences from younger years of failed artistic explorations. However, many years have passed and new skills have been added to one’s life. The period of a midlife transformation is the perfect time to begin exploring life again with art and music. I must stress here that the goal is not one of a trade or career but for self exploration. Studies have shown with 5 to 10 years of focused practice anyone can get quite good at any skill. The length of time within a mid life transformation supports the drive and time required to develop our inner potential, since it provides both new energy and time for the channeling of such skills.


Finally and most importantly:

We all see the world as a reflection of ourselves.

Just because you are changing doesn’t mean the world needs to change. Focus your energy upon yourself and not the world.

The Earth has been around for 4 billion years and isn’t going anywhere quickly (Except around the sun at 67,000 mph). Trying to change the world, pretty much ensures you will have no energy left to transform and heal yourself. Trying to change another person means to take upon their nature into you, which effectively derails many mid life transformations. Instead embrace and discover your new nature. The world is truly a reflection of each of us, so changing the world simply means putting energy and time into embracing and transforming yourself completely and fully.

Let the world be a reflection of yourself in acceptance.

 

Sincerely
Casey

 

For Professional Assistance or Counseling
regarding your mid life transformation

 


Contact Casey at:
PersonalTao@gmail.com
(360) 870-2897

Additional Midlife Crisis Reading Materials

 

91 Responses to Midlife Crisis and Transformations

  1. @Kim: I can’t answer medical questions in a comment since I am not a Medical Doctor.

    Much of the mid life crisis process is one where you have to take control of your own answers and begin building a new life. Many different aspects to this based on what is happening in your life at this moment. As a result, I have to talk to most people directly, in order to help them work efficiently and precisely through the situations at hand. Because of this, I only offer more in depth mid life transformation assistance to those who become a client or a student.

    @Jill: Be strong, voice out your needs and actions so you can build a new life. To go against what society tries to shrink wrap and limit you into becoming a one of the countless clones of conformity.

  2. Tim says:

    I have been in a state of flux for at least a year. I have been searching for an idea of why I am who I am now. The life I built with my wife is good. Yet there is a restlessness within my heart and body I am unable to control. I fear the pain caused to others if I were to just follow where I feel pulled to. I do not want to end my family. I struggle within myself.

  3. @Tim: You can do this and not lose your family.

    But it’s a difficult time and you must have patience with yourself

    http://personaltao.com/patience-3/

    It means acting when required, allowing yourself to change, and working with those you love in a way they too can adjust to your new developing sense of self.

    The restlessness you feel is the desire to discover your new life. You are right if you rush too fast you lose those around you, but if you don’t strive ahead then you lose yourself.

    As a result you must find a middle path. A path where you will make mistakes, but not big ones (where you can recover, learn and expand from your mistakes). A path where you will find successes, but small ones that add up over time to a whole new life.

    If you need a guide send me an email and I can arrange some online sessions to help you.

    Peace in your journey.
    Sincerely
    Casey

  4. Lisa says:

    I must be experiencing this. I am the mother to eight children and live with a man I do not know anymore. I have been wishing for death because life is too painful to live. I have always loved my life until now. I do not know where I took a wrong or right turn. I am on the potters wheel… ready to be molded. Just do not know what shape. I do not want to hurt anymore. I have cried more in the last few months than I have my entire 50 years. I want joy and peace. I want to be in a marriage where I know my husband loves me for who I am not what he thinks I should be.

  5. @Lisa: Life is to be lived.

    To wish for death means you are ready not to end this life but rather understand it really means you are truly ready to start living a whole new life.

    It’s time to start a fresh life. Restart life to discover a new life.

    I felt the same way in my mid life crisis, and I restarted my life as a whole new life and I would do so again.

    If you are feeling suicidal contact one of the help lines right away. This is a time of great hope, if you turn it all around to start fresh: which you can do.

  6. Pattrizzia says:

    Many of your signs of mid-life transformation are recognizable by me. A series of life events have made me unrecognizable to myself. My sister died (she went from being an olympic athlete to a street person), my baby brother died 1.5 years later, then my mother died exactly one year to the day of my baby brother. Prior to this, I was traveling the world with the love of my life (and writing in between). I gave him up when my sister took ill and brought her here to live with me until she died. I was plunged into DEATH all around me. Now, my youngest is in college (last year) and this is a major financial and stressful time being a single Mom supporting him. One of my daughters and her give children are living (temporarily) with me. I just want to be free. Structured religion does not help. Those people are very strange (I know — this is not being kind but the root of many evils is truly religion and I’ve had my share of slaps in the face from them). Point of this email — to say that your site validated a lot of what I am feeling and much of what I am going through. Thank you.

  7. @Pattrizzia:

    I am glad Personal Tao has been of help in your coming to terms with midlife crisis and transformation.

    Be patient with yourself and take small sure sure steps.

    In mid life crisis people often leap from religion to religion looking for answers: When the answer is to actually be open to what you truly want to be rather than what others will try to force you into becoming. It’s a tricky balance looking for structure while being open to change.

    Again be patient and stay true to your inner core, while never forcing others to follow what feels “right”; nor to explain yourself in something they will not understand nor accept (unless they too went thru mid life crisis). We each have our own path to explore. It’s something to live to fully understand.

    Sincerely
    Casey

  8. melody says:

    I’m 54 and my husband is 63. His younger brother passed away 13 months ago. My husband and his brother were not on speaking terms for a few years.

    I noticed that my husband started to change about 6 months after his brother invited us over and this was when his brother broke the news to him that he was dying and only had about 6 months to live. My husband made him alot of promises that he intends to keep. One of these was to take care of his family. My husband spends alot of time with his brothers wife and children because if his great commitment. In fact it is as through he has taken his brothers place but he still comes home at night. He has gotten himself a part time job which is know is really good for him since he has been on disability for a few years now. He tells me that he does not blame me for anything but he has taken all the money that we had saves and he has hidden it. He tells me that he loves me as a friend and the he does not love anyone and that he does not want to be loved. Several times he has told me that his brother was afraid to die.

    My husband does not do anything around our house or large yard anymore. I have been doing it for him since I know that he is dealing with so much and trying to deal with the thought of his own mortality along with his part time job. I have been married to my husband for 35+ years. The whole ordeal has been really hard on me BUT, I DO NOT INTEND TO GIVE UP ON HIM. If changing myself for his sake (and for myself to become a better person) means that WE can both get through this I intend to do so.

    Please, if you have any ideas to help me help him let me know..

  9. @Melody:

    Changing yourself to be who you want to be, and working to keep a relationship alive are not mutually exclusive.

    Focus in on improving your lifestyle first. The more you focus on “Him” the faster and further away you will push him away from you. So take the time to work on yourself first. Only when he is ready for you to help him is there is an opportunity to help him.

  10. Martina says:

    My husband is currently experiencing this phenomenon–his began as a crisis but he seems to be navigating the transition fairly well now. He has left our home but joins me in counseling from time to time. He seems sincere in his attempts to find himself and we are in touch regularly. I am wondering what a spouse can do to support their significant other through this time in their lives. I struggle with being supportive because I feel rejected (mostly due to things that occurred during the crisis phase) and because I fear that our relationship will not survive. I feel both things: the desire for my husband to realize his true nature and fear that I will lose the person I love forever. I know that I can’t and shouldn’t want to stand in his way. So how can I be helpful to him?

  11. @Martina: Read the Helping Partners in Change article, you will find listed in the side bar.

    Release is the key word. Release your fear, release your partner, release your judgements.

    But teaching release, that is where I step in to teach a person patiently how to release, because it isn’t always obvious.

    Many people refuse help, because they are doing everything they can not to let go. Yet things are already falling apart naturally, this is the natural decay of relationship ending. This is how most people learn the more painful lessons of release thru the mistakes of trial and error…

    NO matter which path taken, the learning does take months. This is all because it takes time to emotionally catch up to the realities of the situation you are in.

    So patience is key in mid life crisis. Patience to get to a place of release. Once you master release, then it becomes possible to grow and move ahead again.

    The trick is be careful not to fall prey to hate or judgement which destroys any chance to a friendship later in life after a mid life crisis breakup.

  12. Martina says:

    Thank you for your words. You say to release the relationship. How does one do this in practice?

  13. @Martina: The process of release is actually what I teach individually, since to release with grace, means to make fine / precise adjustments in a person’s lifestyle, mindset and life.

    It’s easy to say release, but how to release is actually is a very indivualize process. What will work for one person will actually cause another person to hang on tighter.

    The best I can say without actually having a session with you, is read through the pages I have written here. As you read, just be open to inspiration & ideas for places to release various judgements and blockages in your life.

    In the end release is an action not a thought, the more you think about it, the less action you put into motion and the harder it is to release.

    The average mid life crisis is release turned into conflict where the conflicts break apart your life as the release.

    True mid life transformation that I teach is to release key blockages. This often starts with small precise releases that slowly meld together into realizations and new ways of looking at life that open into opportunities that power a person’s growth.

    Again this is easy to say, but because of uniqueness in everyone’s process hard to generalize and write about on a web site.

    I could write about some of the generic patterns I use but to do so, actually causes people to assume the wrong pattern or get angry over what they read or even focus their frustration at me. So no what I have here is just an optimal neutral starting point. It’s up to you to find the next steps or get help from a guide.

    My materials are written to be as helpful as possible. Getting a starting point is huge, use it with a smile and be gracious with that gift I have written. But more detailed help I only give to people I work with on a case by case process.

    People always want more… but in this process “more” doesn’t help. In this process you have to let go and start fresh to make it happen… or let the crisis itself break apart your life.

    It’s go time. It’s all on you to choose how.

  14. Traci says:

    I think I was meant to find your website, I was actually trying yo find info on the third eye because I had a patient that I worked with that told me that I needed to open/develop my third eye, & to get rid of the fear of having it. This actually happened a few years ago, & I was kind of freaked out about what she said, & now after reading/researching this website I realized that I am experiencing a midlife crisis, & I am afraid to ask for help. I want change so badly I can taste it, but my fears stand in my way because I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially my 2 children. I feel my husband is feeling these changes,& is not the nicest person when things are not going his way. I wish I had a supportive husband, which has not been the strongest part of our marriage. It seems with any changes or things that I desire to do or have it is a fight or an obstacle with him, & I don’t understand. I want to get along & not have any anger towards one another, but sometimes his negativity gets a hold of me, & I feel it holding me back, & I have had enough. I know I need help & I want it to be a positive & healthy transition for my children & myself!

  15. Bethany says:

    Dear Casey
    Some 5 years into navigating my husband’s mid-life transformation I found your website and video. While I instinctively knew what was going on and attempted to understand the situation and handle this in a sensitive caring way, you have provided such clarity for me, and I’m sure others. While I had read quite a bit about this, at my darkest hour of letting go, you provided the context, compassion, frankness and insight that has helped me find peace. So thank you…for helping me to realize his transformation is not my fault…that I cannot and should not be his parent or teacher, but rather aim to be his friend with as much patience, grace and dignity as possible. While I am ready to face my own co-dependencies and look forward to my own transformation, I wondered if you could share a bit more about what I might expect (from your experience) on what my husband’s “new person” might look like. After 28 years of marriage I know we both love each other and look forward to a new and different type of relationship…yet to be defined. He hasn’t been able to articulate what he is going through and I would say it’s been a fairly extreme “crisis” that has gone on for quite some time although the past year has been the worst. Does the “new person” become a blend of the old and new? Revert back to the old? Totally take on an entirely different persona? Or does it really vary by the individual? Now that I am working through the release stage, I guess my intellectual curiosity has gotten the better of me. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us…

  16. Bethany: what is next for your husband really depends on many many different factors. Even a small change in how you hold yourself can have huge impacts on where he heads in his own process.

    As a result I cannot tell you what to expect, because at this stage, literally so many results are possible in your husband’s midlife crisis.

    Ironically, you have more say than you realize in the mid life crisis, because in who you are, how you choose to grow, does also reflect into his choices… most powerfully when you remove yourself from his life and MLC process. The irony as you now know and accept is you cannot be directly be his teacher nor helper thru his Midlife changes, since if you do. it will end up usually having the exact opposite of what you hoped in the first place.

    Generally speaking Release provides the most graceful and relatively safe path in helping a partner in MLC now. Don’t overly try to out think or try to know where he will go. Concentrate on your life now. The more you try to know about them, the more you unconsciously shape them also. Instead take the time to know more about yourself first.

  17. Bethany says:

    Casey…my sincere thanks for reinforcing the path that I must follow. On to investing in myself. You have been so helpful – thank you!

  18. @Bethany: You are welcomed. Yes people can be very predicable at times also, especially in points of crisis or in MLC. However, unless I understand all the different aspects of your situation, and no way could you post to me the info I require, I cannot say where your partner is heading towards, because what looks like to many people to be even a minor nuances can have profound implications on how a person reacts and then flows to their life.

    The best answer is the one I gave you. Since once you release him, what matters is how you hold your own life and grow. And most ironically many times this approach has a long term positive helpful impact to partners also.

  19. helpatmidlife says:

    Well I’ve been going through the midlife transformation for ten months now. At first I never believed it was real but after reading more of the signs and seeing it is real I’m not sure how to move forward with it. I’m turning 35 on my next birthday it started after turning 34. I’m become obessed with my age and getting older and keep thinking back to my twenties and all the choices I didn’t make. I feel like time is stating to run out for me to have the dreams I want in life. I mostly just want to escape my family and run away from my life. I’ not sure if that makes any sense.

  20. helpatmidlife says:

    I look in the mirror and I see wrinkles grey hair signs of aging. I do not look like the young gal I was a decade ago. It’s like as you age as a woman you become invisible. You no longer have the power you once did. My hands now look like my mother’s hands and well I look like the middle aged woman not that you see at the grocery store. Society now views you as older. It’s like I woke up one day and realized that I do not have my whole life ahead of me anymore. In five years I will be forty and my kids will be almost grown .I think why did I waste my youth on low paying jobs and bad choices that I can not go back in fix. I guess I have to move forward but I don’t really want to move to the middle years.

  21. @helpatmidlife: What you write about is very common at midlife transformation.

    Our society makes people feel old before having lived a life fully. The truth is you are only old if you burn yourself out. In a culture that teaches people to always push at 110% it means many people do burn out. Worse is that Modern culture is a consumer culture, so once done with something, it throws it away. Modern culture throws away older people who get burnt out.

    It is possible to re-ramp lifestyle and heal at this time. It’s amazing but after people work with me, you can see a difference in how old they look. It’s like taking 10 years off a person once you get them to live a lifestyle that is paced properly. More importantly, the body is more proactive in healing during Mid life Transformation. It is re-syncing and rewiring itself dramatically.

    As a result if you approach Mid life Transformation with awareness and good lifestyle choices, it is pretty incredible how much you can improve and heal during this time of life.

  22. Lost and Confused says:

    My husband and have been together for 18 years and lived together for most of that time. We met at a very young age and didn’t really date many other people. We had a child very young who is now 16 and were married 6 years ago. I felt like we were soul mates with a very rare love and I saw us growing old together. We understood each others thoughts and knew what each other liked. The man in front of for the past few months is not my husband. He stopped loving me and now he tells me he has regrets for staying with me.

    I was the one who always worked the most and my husband said I negelected him when I was working two jobs and he wants me to feel that rejection. My neglect wasn’t intentional. Then I lost my job and we moved out of state, away from all of our family and everything we know 3 years ago. My husband went after his career in the new state and I supported him whole hearted. He is in a very stressful job and I feel it’s taking a toll on him but he told me he takes on any over time to avoid me. Where I am always looking to spend time with him.

    He told me a few weeks ago he has been talking to another women but only over the phone. He had planned to start a relationshop with her an leave us. I asked him to end it. I was shocked that he would want to leave everything we have over such an emotional affair. He is telling me he hasn’t been in love with me for years and that women made him miss what we had. The thing is my husband stopped doing things to show me he loves and all he has to do is try. The spark is still there, just has to be rekindled. I love my husband and my whole world revolves around him, he is the only person I feel has always been there for me until recently. He just wants to run from everything. Wants to get his own apartment, all though we can’t afford it. Wants to Date other people but doesnt’t want a divorce. Said he isn’t looking for sex but a connection. He tells me we will be freinds forever but he has to live his life. We are going to cousleing. His counsler told him he has to decide if he can let go of his resentment.

    I am trying my best to be patience through all of this. I don’t want to lose my husband but I feel if I try to talk I just push him away. He still wants to spend time with me and go out together but wants to see what he has been missing too.

    Everyone he talks to tells him he is making a mistake so he has turned away from them too.

    How do I help him? He seems so confused. Will we survive this?

    Lost and alone. I need advice.

  23. @Lost and Confused: You help him with patience, you help by deciding what you need to do for yourself. To not force him to fit into your answers. You also need to not force yourself to fit into his answers.

    After trying for a given period of time (the amount varies from couple to couple)

    If you accept that you no longer fit each other then you release and do you best to be friends.

    If you are patient and lucky you might come together into a newer relationship. But its a very tricky path. Most people fail, use force / judgement and then only get pain/conflict in the end as the reward.

    More specific advice can only be given to those I work directly with since even the most delicate of advice can shift things into so many different states of relationship.

  24. Shawn says:

    After 25 years of verbal abuse, I left my husband. Practically overnight, he began making tremendous changes and begged me to come back. I did return after six months (because of our children) but I don’t trust that his changes are permanent and I’m angry that our marriage suffered for so many years, only for him to change so quickly. I find myself no longer attracted to him and am constantly annoyed and find constant fault with him. However, I do love him but I’m not sure that I am not in love with him. I fantasize about life without him but am afraid of making a mistake and of hurting him and the kids. How can I make a decision and will my love/attraction return if I just hang in there?

  25. @Shawn: When a relationship has abuse, then it doesn’t go away easily, even when it seems to get better for a short time.

    Grow the best you can. Love on it’s own isn’t enough for a relationship and if the love has been burnt out from abuse… then no it typically doesn’t come back.

  26. Lorie says:

    Casey:
    My husband is going through a transformation. Two years ago he had an aorta dissection and survived. He got his health back and continued to work as a lab manager in a hospital. Last spring he decided to change his career and in late summer he started a journey to be a financial advisor. He loves financial planning and could have a potential to earn a lot more than at the lab. He struggled with this transition and started realizing that he doesn’t like sales, which is a big part of being a financial advisor. Over the last two months he struggled with making a poor decision which sent him into a spiraling depression. He became unmotivated and could barely do his job. Last month his mother died. He is having problems with the unpleasant memories of growing up at home. When he returned from the funeral, he shut down. He could not and still struggles with motivation. He says he feels stuck, that he has failed at his job and made a huge mistake. He is on medical leave right now until mid February to try to get his mind clear and to decide what to do with his life. He is ashamed and embarrassed. I think he needs to go back to his old job so that we don’t experience further financial devastation but know that I can’t tell him that. He wants to figure out what to do with his life and isn’t sure what that is right now. How do I help him? Is going back to his old job until he figures his life out the right path? Is this mid-life crises or just a man that has made a mistake?

  27. Confused says:

    I’ve been married for 15 years. My husband and I are really close and we’ve never wanted or imagine ourselves wanting or having children. But recently I have been consistently yearning for my own child. At the same time, I’m often feeling depress and lost. I’m 40 yrs old and I think I’m going through midlife transition. Is it midlife crisis that makes me want to have kids?

  28. Confused: Midlife transformation is a time to reconcile life. So yes often times a person will revisit ideas and older ideals and have to think hard about the choices ahead.

    It’s a side effect of the transformation process. In change we reflect against our life and the decisions of the past and also come to terms with what we want to become for the future.

  29. Lorie: You ask if your husband has made a mistake. If you hold it as a mistake… Then it becomes crisis. If you hold it as a lesson and opportunity to grow… then it becomes a hard path of transformation.

    What he should do? Live in a way he can grow and thrive. Is that easy? No it isn’t, many people fail because they crumple against the pressure of change. Many mistakes line the path to true growth.

    It’s how you use the mistakes to learn from that will determine ultimately if the path can become successful or not.

  30. gch says:

    Reading this is like turning around and seeing my footprints in the sand I recently walked along.

  31. @GCH: Yes it is pretty amazing how many people travel the mid life change road. It is more amazing how society distracts and hurts people in midlife transformation to make it about crisis rather than growth.

    Midlife crisis can be the doorway to the most beautiful changes when people turn into being about a time of transformation.

  32. Lost at 46 says:

    I am a 46 year old female married 23 years with 3 wonderful daughters. I feel guilty feeling sad and lost when I should be thankful for having everything. My husband went through his transition a few years ago and came out beautifully. He started running and lost 60 pounds and went from a beer drinking couch Potato to a buff marathon runner. I have stood by him and supported all he has done. But since this I feel lost and inadequate to him. I am busy with my girls and working the business we own together. I have time to “transform” but my problem is I don’t know what my new self looks like. I don’t know what my dreams are to even know where to head. I feel trapped and bored. Because of this I feel ugly and simply tolerated by him. I don’t want to loose him but I know I need to find myself to be a better partner and regain the attractiveness I once had. How do I move forward?

  33. @Lost at 46:

    Don’t ask yourself what to do to make yourself be better for another. (This path just spirals out of control into a mid life crisis)

    Ask yourself… what is it I need to do to enjoy and connect to my own life in a better manner. (This path expands out into mid life transformation)

  34. Ranette says:

    I would just like to thank you for your generosity in providing a very gentle presence to people in midlife transitions. I have been accompanying some in the same situation and your site is a rich resource where I can refer them to. I commend your very integrative approach to understanding midlife. Thanks for the gift that you are, Casey.

  35. Thanks Ranette.

    Personal Tao is a resource to help people transform with grace. All too many people force midlife crisis to only be about breaking or the pain. Which then means they only get crisis. It really should be all about the transformation.

    Mid life while complicated in terms of social interplay is actually not that complicated once a person starts to take smaller steps and stops trying to do everything “right”.

    Once you get a person to slow down and work with awareness it really is amazing all the new options that will come forward. To turn it all around from being a midlife crisis and then to help a person discover a midlife transformation.

  36. Amy says:

    My husband and I are both 34 years old. In December, when I was 6 months pregnant with our 2nd daughter, he told me he felt broken and wasn’t in love with me anymore. He moved out for 9 weeks and was a complete monster during that time ( and was having an emotional affair with another woman). After 9 weeks he returned. He wasn’t back to himself but was home. Then we had our daughter in April. He was back to his normal self for a while. Told me he loved me and our family and there was nothing he wanted more in life than to be with us. This went on for about 2 months. Then in June he started acting moody and depressed again. He moved out at the end of June saying ” he needed to think.” I found out that there was a different woman he met and was talking to/texting. Again he said he’s not happy or in love with me. I learned from the first time and have completely detached myself. The other night he came home saying his head isn’t right and he feels like a complete nut job and he struggles everyday. He says he doesn’t want this for his kids and there is no person in this world he loves more than me I just listened and validated. That was a few nights ago and I haven’t heard from him again.
    Is there hope for us and where is he at in this crisis?

  37. @Amy: Your husbands midlife crisis is going to be a harder longer process for him. You will have to be careful not to get too entangled with his own uncertainity.

    I wouldn’t focus on the word hope, as much as making sure you are as strong as possible as he takes the time to find himself. From the little you posted I would say he has deeper personal challenges to overcome first. He is looking for something that isn’t within your marriage nor children. That you cannot be the person to heal him or help him find his way at this moment.

    It is possible he can come back after his midlife crisis, but he is trying to find something, to heal himself while he is in crisis. In this instance if you try to heal him, his state of being while in crisis will ripple back into you breaking yourself.

    There is something deeper stirring in his midlife crisis, something he needs to tackle on his own.

  38. Grant says:

    Hi Casey, just found your site and would like to offer my gratitude to you for creating this website. There are some fantastic resources to help all the lost people who are looking for answers in life.

    Regards
    Grant

  39. Thanks Grant! May your midlife change and transformation be strong and graceful!

  40. Marchelle says:

    I am 33 years old and have been going through this crisis for the last 4 and a half to 5 years. Originally I experienced a sense of needing to do more, like I am supposed to fill a higher purpose. This feeling started to consume me so much so that I left my job. My personal life was in turmoil and I spent my time fixing ties with my husband and mostly ignored my desire to become the “more” I felt I needed to be because I just didn’t know where to start. Slowly I reverted back to my old self, but now after 4 and half years th feeling has returned. I’m so confused, I believe that I should change but just don’t know where to start. My job feels like it is literally sucking the life from me, but how do I just quite? We won’t be able to pay our bond or support our family otherwise,but I’m dying…

  41. @Marchelle:

    The challenge of midlife crisis and balancing work can be incredibly tough for many people.

    It’s a hard challenge to support oneself in transition. We have to make hard choices, but choices that leave options open and enough support to survive.

    It often means working in transitional jobs to allow the midlife transformation to continue while supporting those you love.

    People in midlife change often feel the calling to a higher purpose and just leave everything… which then destroys them completely from the lack of support.

    I teach people how to turn around jobs to be part of the process. So you don’t run away from one job to just repeat the patterns of crisis into the next job. (All too many people just drag their issues or crisis from job to job: that isn’t an efficient path.)

    So pace yourself, yes learn from the job and over time step towards your new life. In a manner that is sustainable.

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