Midlife (Crisis) Transformations
The term Midlife Crisis brings up many images. In America, it brings up deriding images of a person buying a red sports car, daydreams of flings, broken marriages and people acting as a child again.
In reality, a Midlife Crisis represents a deeper possibility for a person to become their dreams. However, those dreams are hard to realize within an un-supportive society and without clear personal understanding of the actual experience. People often end up hurting themselves in the process of trying to change. A person’s life carries a lot of momentum from the past that tumbles them about heedlessly upon trying to change to be something new.
Midlife Crisis is an unfortunate label applied to those working through these transitional times of their life. So the first step to understanding this process is to understand what crisis is:
Crisis is a turning point when change must happen to prevent the break down of the former order of things. Crisis is not a time of trouble: unless doing nothing. Crisis is a time for transformation and opportunity.
The truth: Mid life Crisis is really a Midlife Transformation.
The reason I became a healer evolved from the fact few people truly understand and support Midlife Transformations. As a result of my own experience and helping others, I have opened up a healing practice to help guide people within their own midlife transformation process.
Some basic observations about Midlife Transformations.
- It’s a time of change.
Many people hurt themselves and those they love by resisting change. Holding onto the past will tear a person and family apart during a time of change.
Often times the pain of resisting change causes people to revert back to old habits. A midlife crisis is not a sure thing. Human nature desiring comfort and the social pressure resisting change are powerful forces shaping a person’s life. The majority of people going through midlife crisis actually fail for these and other reasons.
Mid life transformation can be one of the most beautiful and amazing times in a person’s life when flowing with change and the support of others. Or it can be a nightmare of confusion mixed to the actions of people actively hindering your path. When facing such a nightmare most people embrace past comforts to resist the transformation and actually re-transform back into an image of their old life.
The direction of change isn’t always forward, A Mid-Life Crisis is often experienced stumbling backwards.
- A time to experiment with new perspectives.
Since this represents a changing of life. A person moving down this path will not have the years of experience to safely make choices with known outcomes. As a result people make many mistakes as they experiment around with new ideas and actions.
- A time to reconnect to the freedom of a child.
Midlife Transformation closely resembles the time of being a child when you had to learn everything newly. People experiencing a midlife crisis will at times act as a child again as they are literally picking up where they left off from their childhood. This often means the resurfacing of many problems and dramas which were buried as a child. As a result sometimes within a midlife transformation a person can also be trying to resolve childhood issues. This just makes the process more confusing at times.
- A time to simplify.
With so many changes happening, a person often simplifies their life to help figure out what’s important to them. During the process of simplification often times a person will toss away a bit more than they bargain for.
- A time to break out of mis-matched relationships.
People often use relationships to crutch their life. The trouble is when changing, a person will discover that the crutches no longer fit or are painful to wear. As a result relationships at times are tossed to the side during this process of change.
Often times relationships break during a Midlife Crisis. Why? Simply because the partner isn’t at a point of change themselves, or they are changing in a different direction with different needs. Partners are often are in conflict since they may not want changes to occur. The statement often heard is: “you are not the man I married” This phrase illustrates how drastic a mid life transformation truly is in changing a person. The extra strain of one person needing change, while the other person holds back is enough to break many relationships. Even if the relationship doesn’t break, many people end up unhappy when partners don’t sufficiently support the requirements of a new balance.
- Society is unsupportive of midlife change.
It’s not in the interest of society to encourage midlife change. From a very basic view point midlife crisis disrupts people and resources from flowing smoothly. Also people going through mid life transformation have tendencies to want to change society. Society will resist such changes itself: firstly by encouraging people not to change, secondly by helping people to stay the same and finally by alienation of those who disrupt the norms of society.
- A time of Mental, Physical and Spiritual evolution.
One myth of the mid life crisis is it’s only in the mind. A mid-life crisis occurs within a very real physical transition time point in the human body. It’s a very similar experience as a teenager switching from a child’s body to an adult. Surprisingly western culture doesn’t have a term for the physical changes as not everyone experiences it quite the same way or same time point. While it seems to start frequently around 37 to 42 years of age, it can happen sooner or later in life. Also many aspects of the physical changes are subtle changes in hormones, physical condition and attributes. Other aspects might be very apparent in the aches and pains of an aging body.
One part of helping a person transverse a midlife crisis is to establish a new set of physical practices to help the body transition. This is a nice opportunity to take up yoga, qigong, change diets, martial arts or even something as simple as a jogging practice to stimulate the transformation process.
Another aspect of helping a person transform is to help reveal the missing parts of their life. We are each a combination of Mind, Body and Spirit, yet so many people concentrate on the Mind or Body or Spirit at the exclusion of the other parts. Midlife transformations are usually a time to fill and strengthen the missing parts of a person’s life.
- True Mid Life Transformation is a process that spans years.
Another misunderstanding about this process is thinking that this is a relatively quick single event of a few months. In fact even the term “Midlife Crisis” gives the impression of a sudden single event. It’s not. The transformation process is often a series of events that span several years.
Think about how being a teenager was a process that took 5 or 6 years, A Midlife transformation takes a similar time period. Typically I see people working through this period of transformation for 5 to 8 years. The process occurs in a series of transformative waves two to three years in length. Just when a person thinks they are done changing, everything then starts again and another series of events rocks their life.
So:
A midlife crisis will appear to some as being a brief fling, as people do suppress the change or actually re-transform back into an image of their old life. A large amount of outside pressure exists to make this the case. The power of our mind is very strong and the capability to suppress or even deny change is a very strong human trait.
Compared to:
A midlife transformation as a series of life changes to become complete. To be the person you yearn to be. - Some don’t experience a Midlife transformation.
A few souls balance and flow through life in such a way to seemingly never go through a midlife transformation.
Humanity is a spectrum of experience. Not every one goes through a midlife crisis. The whole process is complicated being dependant upon many variables such as culture, support of friends and family, how a person lives life itself and so many other factors.
A midlife transformation isn’t a time of judgment or comparing your own experience to others. This is a time of acceptance and learning to flow with your life, body, mind and spirit to live as completely to your own nature as possible. In the American culture where so many are taught to be someone else from childhood, to chase an American dream of wealth: midlife crisis is a relatively common event, as many spend time not being themselves.
Mid Life Summary
I work with people on a case by case basis, since each person is a unique tapestry of needs, past events needing resolution, different future goals, different mixes of partners, supporting past obligations: all mixed together in the chaos of change. As a result, the process of aid is a delicate balance of patience and understanding.
The most important aspect for a person undergoing going a Midlife Transformation is to accept their nature is changing. It’s important to approach this time of life not as a crisis but as a time for transformation and opportunity. It’s not something that can be rushed or forced into a vision. Rather this is a time of following the needs of mind, body and spirit equally.
It’s also important to understand, in change, resides the loss of old comforts and support. Often time’s painful moments have to be embraced, experienced and accepted before the final transformation can occur.
Another important tool is to witness your own life. Document and explore your life with a journal, art, music, playing an instrument, dance, poetry and being open to witnessing how others see you. A problem within the midlife transformation is the action of changing places a person within a blind-spot to seeing their own nature. As a result, our shifting outer form is never quite what the mind perceives. Our minds cannot see ourselves purely. Journals, art, music, playing musical instruments, poetry, the observation of others all give critical feedback to help view one’s nature and guide the transformation rather than shift blindly to illusions of what we think we are.
If you decide to explore art please remember: the art isn’t about creating a masterpiece, it’s simply about witnessing yourself. Art is an amazing tool to explore life and find place in the world. These are two qualities of life that people seek within their midlife transformation. Some people hesitate to use art or music at this point since it often seems daunting or it brings up bad experiences from younger years of failed artistic explorations. However, many years have passed and new skills have been added to one’s life. The period of a midlife transformation is the perfect time to begin exploring life again with art and music. I must stress here that the goal is not one of a trade or career but for self exploration. Studies have shown with 5 to 10 years of focused practice anyone can get quite good at any skill. The length of time within a mid life transformation supports the drive and time required to develop our inner potential, since it provides both new energy and time for the channeling of such skills.
Finally and most importantly:
We all see the world as a reflection of ourselves.
Just because you are changing doesn’t mean the world needs to change. Focus your energy upon yourself and not the world.
The Earth has been around for 4 billion years and isn’t going anywhere quickly (Except around the sun at 67,000 mph). Trying to change the world, pretty much ensures you will have no energy left to transform and heal yourself. Trying to change another person means to take upon their nature into you, which effectively derails many mid life transformations. Instead embrace and discover your new nature. The world is truly a reflection of each of us, so changing the world simply means putting energy and time into embracing and transforming yourself completely and fully.
Let the world be a reflection of yourself in acceptance.
Sincerely
Casey
For Professional Assistance or Counseling
regarding your mid life transformation
Contact Casey at:
PersonalTao@gmail.com
(360) 870-2897
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49 Responses to Midlife (Crisis) Transformations
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Very beautifully written. If you are going through it or someone you love is experiencing…midlife
crisis, or as you say transformation, it can sure take the sting and hurt out of it, if only for the moment, by trying view it from a different, and more healing perspective. I search for hope…hope for a life, hope…for a future….
The enduring Hope that God can and will lead me back into the sunshine again.
Articles such as yours help…thank you.
@Linda: Thank you and I am honored that I was able to help you with my writings.
Mid Life transitions don’t have to be a crisis. Shifting how a person views this change in life, is very critical part of improving the outcomes of the change. Transformation is never easy, it requires a person to actively make drastic shifts in their life. These changes are often painful and it’s that pain often forces people to act in ways they wouldn’t normally act and to in reflection hurt those around them.
Shifting how we view the process does help relieve a good portion of the pain of the process and also helps people make choices that are healthier in their life.
When mid life crisis touches multiple people, then things get more complicated quickly due to each person having different needs and being at a different part of the process.
I am often asked to come and help couples and partners in this process because an experienced counselor as myself helps de-tangle most of complicated issues. The issues seem complicated because the people involved with the problems are too close to the problems to see next step resolutions clearly.
Remember this is an active process, A crisis exists because no actions were taken and natural forces around the people involved are now breaking things into crisis. Part of resolving the crisis is to take kind actions within one’s life to grow and improve who you are changing into.
Being proactive and aware of your life’s changes and then adding in a shift of perspective to make crisis about transformation, truly makes the process a wonderful process.
A simple truth is:
To hold onto disaster means to have the disaster’s wreckage to clean up later in life. If you embrace transformation then you walk around disasters. Transformation means an improved and better life by your very actions you live to grow towards. Transformation is never fast and usually takes roughly 2 years to accomplish. So patience is required in transformation compared to disaster being the fast track of destruction.
It makes most sense to transform, less mess and much kinder to everyone who is touched by the mid life transition.
Patience and kindness towards your future Linda.
Sincerely
Casey
I have a partner that is younger than me going through this change.I have been lost as to coping and reacting out of character to the things that have been happening.After reading this article it has opened my mind further and has bought a kind of peace and understanding.Hopefully I can find the strengh to look after me and be there for my husband who I adore. Thankyou
@joanne:
You can find the strength to improve both your life and relationship. But also focus on your own education at the moment. Give your husband space to explore. To be there when he asks, but also to give him his time to find himself on his own terms.
While this is happening most especially use the time to explore your own heart, your own curiosities.
This time is most focused upon resorting out ones own nature on one’s own terms. The more you or others try to support directly a person going thru this change, the more you push them away since they truly need personal time, more than relationship time. Usually that is…
Also ironically by exploring new things / activities for yourself, your partner will get curious about various activities you are exploring, and that opens up new avenues to explore life together. Don’t expect them to get interested in everything new you do, but some of the new explorations will catch their interest if you don’t go out of your way to advertise everything you are learning.
Mystery is always a spice of life. Most especially during times of transformation, since transformation by nature is mysterious.
Sincerely
Casey
Thanks Casey for this, I do really wish I had found your site a few years ago as my mid life transformation really took hold. I am very glad to find it now as some solace for very painful times that I have left behind but continue to experience.
Perhaps I will tell my story in the forum
Dear Casey
Reading your articles has helped me understand that I am not the only person suffering this process. My husband is going through a mid life transformation, unfortunately we did not recognized the signs and it was until I found out he had an affair that the crisis exploded. Now he is completely lost, deeply depressed and not knowing whether he wants to stay or leave. I thought we had a good marriage and a wonderful family made of our five kids, 13, 11, 8, 6 and 4 but as I read in your article, it obvius wasn’t since we are now at this stage. At first I was so full of anger that the only thing I could think of was separation, but reading your articles has giving me some hope. How do we start finding ourselves back?, he tells me he loves me and don’t want to leave but he is cool and distant. We are going to counseling but even though the counsel recomend it will be good for him to get away from the family and the relationship he refuses to do so. I took my kids and when away for 3 weeks for a vacation and i asked him to leave the house before my return if he could not be the person i fall in love with, that based on what i read from the article, its impossible. The separation will destroys our kids that has always seen a close, loving relations between their parents, but is so hard for me having my husband next to me and at the same time a complete stranger. do you think I should be more patient and let him stay home while he gets back on track or pushing him out of the house, as recommended by the specialist, will speed up the process for him to decide whether he wants in or out?
@Cecilla: There is no right approach to this process (many many wrong approaches, but no single “right” approach). Uunderstand: all approaches will have some issues and some benefits. You have to trust to yourself. Don’t choose what feels not “right”, Don’t do what is best for the children. You have to live a day at a time. When making mistakes learn and then revised how you act, when things are quiet getting rest and moving ahead on your own personal growth…
You are asking me for advice, yet when I work with people I tailored everything exactly to their full life situations to teach them how to move ahead and grow. I don’t know your full situation to be able to match advice specifically to where things are at now.
Since all approaches will have issues: You have to select the approach you will back with your heart, so as problems do arise, you can stand up to the issues and tackle the consequences kindly and smoothly.
Any answer I give in this comment section, will only be correct for at the most today and then shift the next day as your situation evolves.
Your actions need to match to you: Not what you feel is best for others or what others tell you is best for you. If you don’t feel capable of deciding yourself, then you are left to trusting to the counselor you picked to help you in those choices. If this is the case for you: Then make sure you choose a counselor that stands behind your heart rather than judges who you should be…
sincerely
Casey
Dear Casey
My wife show all the symptoms of going through a mid life crises and trying to be at ease with herself, this I presume is her trying to find her transformation, I have researched about spouses going through crises and have tried to be supportive to her. However about 3 months ago she quickly made her mind up that she was leaving and got herself an apartment that was totally useless to her needs, however she signed up for the apartment for 12 months.
I can see the changes in her and I have tried to understand it and support her through this period as a new person, however she says a pull at her heart strings but there can never be romance between us again, I have since gone No contact as advised which helps me, does it make any difference to her, I wouldn’t want her to think I don’t care, but at the same time and need to heal myself. I would love to transform with her and share the journey but I really don’t hink I’m part of her plan. I think she as also had an emotional affair with her best friend
@Steve: Working with mid life crisis is a patient process. One which you must be willing to embrace change as much as your partner in crisis is experiencing change.
In mid life crisis for two people that have been together for a while means you both are in transformation.
Due to the timing of mid life crisis, your partner is already in drastic lifestyle shifts and at this juncture it isn’t uncommon to find what you describe.
Simple advice:
Take care of yourself, The better you take care of yourself, with kindness, the more likely the partner will look back and realize perhaps they don’t need to run away so far nor so fast.
More complicated advice: Its best to contact me directly for help, my practice is about helping people around the world work thru mid life crisis and thrive.
Hi Casey! For my morning devotion on self-improvement and growth, I read your MidLife Crisis article. This is very interesting and you put it all in great perspective. Your post to Linda dated January 13th, 8:12….. I particularly found the explanation of It being a “transformation” unique. One of my animal spirits has always been Butterfly, which is the only living species to go thru a whole life transformation without having the same DNA in the process (larvae, cocoon, caterpillar,butterfly). So yes, it is a difficult process to go thru transformations, which I am presently going thru
Thank you for mentioning this transformation may take 2 years. Knowing this, I will be able to stay strong in my weak moments. I find that if I meditate throughout the day, speak to my animal spirits, talk to God and read sites such as Personal Tao, I have a clear conscious, peace, love, faith and hope. Thanks for all!
@Kbsandflea: You are very welcomed!
Dear Casey,
Is it normal for a midlife crisis to feel like a nervous breakdown?
@Denise: It’s not that it is normal, rather, it is more the extreme point of breaking. Once crisis reaches breakdown, especially nervous breakdown (which does happen) then it takes longer to heal and recover.
The problem is that people can resist their change so much, that at times they break their own spirit and life in the attempt to not change. IN kindness, it’s important to work with your inner change rather than resist it.
I do not know if I have it in me to bounce back from being broken again (still can’t find some shards from the last break!) but the happy news for me is I know I need to change; in fact, I welcome it. Thank you for the reply.
@Denise: You have it in you to transform to something greater… this is what Midlife transformation is all about after all.
It isn’t easy, it isn’t something you can buy a map for and it is a process that tests you for the duration of the process…
yet if you welcome it a day at a time, you can make it happen.
Be patient with yourself. You can change, it is part of your nature to change.
I understand where your coming from on change.I embrace change ,but I feel ihave know passion .or hobbies etc….I cant find my place to begin to change.in other words nothing excites me ….ive been this way for ever..the only thing that moved me towards purpose was my family..there has to be somthing else out there ,but I cant seem to find it..that is how ive spent my midlife looking for purpose to promote change…
I am going through depression right now, and I feel that part of it has to do with not identifying with my ‘old’ roles. The kids are grown, my parents are dead, and I didn’t make a lot of time for becoming an individual in my years of marriage. I had a pretty challenging beginning in life too, and those issues are being re-visited. I get pretty overwhelmed at times. I haven’t been working for a couple of years, and that doesn’t help. I have become dependent on my husband, who is a nice, patient, understanding guy, but I get these urges to run away from him, from this life, from it all. I feel crazy. I came to this site because years ago I studied Spirituality. I was drawn to Taoism and Eastern philosophies of life. I’ll be learning Qigong over the next 12 weeks, and I hope and pray that this will bring some peace to my conflicted state of being. Mid life transformation + depression + anxiety??? Gah!
@Brenda: Mid life is a time to truly become oneself.
Add in to the mix our society is going thru mid life crisis itself, means those in mid life transformation are being pushed harder, faster and to new heights of exploration. Expect to see many people working towards promoting change over the next few years. You wont be alone in your mid life transformation.
Together we will shift the world to be a kinder place. Just by living in a graceful more aware manner.
Take the time to explore what grace means to you and then share the grace, not in words, but rather in your actions of how you live.
@Patricia: For those in mid life transformation Taoism and Qi Gong are amazing practices, because Taoism is ironically optimized for people in transformation. Taoism as a practice evolved to help Chinese culture work with people in mid life crisis. It’s a very gentle and graceful practice to help people explore their life.
Enjoy your Qi Gong Class.
Well, stated, Casey. I prefer the term, “transition”, and everything you state here is on the mark, from my own personal and professional experiences. Many men fear such a transition and want to rush through it, but we just can’t say “hello” until we have said our “goodbyes”. It is a process worth taking slowly and patiently, receiving support, and reassessing where we’ve been, where we are right now, and where we want to go. Although change is inevitable, men tend to be trained to fight it, ignore it, or simply deny it. It is possible to live in our passion(s), and to create a new or renewed path, but it takes courage and a willingness to slow down to do the ‘work’ to realize we are who we are at the core. We are at an age and stage when we can look back with a mature perspective to re-assess and learn to continue to love ourselves more deeply, more authentically. Thanks again.
Thanks Ken, this is how I make my living, teaching kindness in transformation. It’s all about helping people find a graceful path in mid life rather than be defined and limited to crisis as the only option.
More and more people are discovering they don’t have to live to crisis but they can transform with grace and beauty if they truly patiently work with the process.
Hi Casey, my husband left in February and said he didn’t know what he wanted. He is not the loving husband and father he was. He is very cruel and cold to us. I believe he is seeing someone which he denies but tells me he loves me but at the same it looks like he hates me. He txts me saying he misses me and wants to work things out with me but he doesn’t even try. He will spend the night one day and then go back to living his single life again. When the kids try talking to them he acts and argues like a teenager like he’s mind is going out of control. I have filed for divorce even when I still love him but he has put thru alot of hurt and pain and constantly trying to control me and fighting for cars and house. I don’t know what to do anymore, I know he down deep inside does love me but I just can’t take this pain anymore. He has become a person I don’t know anymore, he lies alot, and makes up things to other people and our kids. I still love him but down deep inside that he won’t ever come back home because he has had alot of opportunities but doesn’t do anything about it and his actions are what I see more that he says he loves me and misses me but he’s still out there living his single life. How can I take him out of my heart, I can’t take this pain anymore.
@Betty: You ask how to take him out of your heart, to stop the pain.
Then release him from your heart by truly letting him go, by not judging his actions and by releasing judgement of your own actions.
Making sure the separation created is, in results, kind to yourself also.
I can say this easily but the steps to achieve this are never as easily done, because you have to walk it, thru many steps of living fire that slowly strip away all the best wishes of dream’s past.
What advice ever makes that process of releasing dreams easy?
None.
But it is still the path you recognize as the path to walk if you are to regain freedom in your life by being kind to yourself again.
sincerely
Casey
Thanks Casey, I like your advice and words but I don’t know how to let go which I try very hard but after 25 years together it makes it so hard. I miss him so much, that is the old him because now he has become someone I don’t know. I remember all the good times we had and how he took care of me during my pregnancies and when I would get sick. I miss and cry to the old him, I can’t believe how he changed when he would always tell me that he loved me and I believed it and I guess I took it for granted. Our marriage was equally 50/50 we both worked, both cooked, both attended house and kids. If he got home before me he would start dinner. We struggled together to have what we have right now but little by little I have started losing everything cause of financial problems. I can’t believe 25 good years just gone from one day to another. I hope god gives me courage and strength to come out this strong for my our four children cause at many times I have felt just like giving up this fight and not continue with it and feel like just letting go of myself. Thanks Again
@Betty : you have the strength to do this, because the answer is to live your life. Every day you pine away for him, is one day less you have lived your life. It’s time, to begin. Once you do so, you will realize, this process becomes a gift to you to live a better life.
Holding to the past ensures you only live to pain and that does lead to self destruction over time.
Releasing and starting a new life is difficult at first, ever step seems hard, but then day by day it becomes better, then week by week you discover anew life and you will look back and realize Life becomes something much greater, in how you live it, even with the challenges.
You have to step ahead, one day at a time.
This has really helped me to make sense of what I have been going thorugh and the things I have done that have been so out of character. I have been really confused and shocked at how I’ve behaved and I would never have done them if i wasn’t in my late thirties?? At least it is a natural maturation process as opposed to me going crazy!! B ut just how long will it last? I keep thinking I need to get back to how I was before I did silly things looking for a freedom but then I think I can’t go back. what’s wrong with me? My little boy said ‘you’ve not retired’ yet I feel like I have taken premature retirement yet I know I’ve got along way to go, I feel lost. I just don’t know what to do.
Hi Louise:I highly recommend people like yourself contact me to help them out. I teach people all over the world (over the phone, Skype or retreats) how to make this time into amazing time of growth.
With my help the process becomes more focused and successful. Without a guide, people tend to drift and repeat mistakes over and over again which expands out the whole process to be 3 to 4 years long and then most people end up where they started just becoming what they were.
With minimal help, some focus and guidance to help people learn how to work with this transformation, it then become s a2 year long process that zips by and helps a person transform into who they want to become.
This isn’t about counseling rather, it’s all about teaching new tools to help a person efficiently and with a focused approach explore their life with passion, wonder and awareness.
sincerely
Casey
I married my best friend 24 years ago. We have never had a fight. Alan is an amazing person and I truly believe him to be my soul mate. Our marriage and relationship has been admired by many, including us. We have enjoyed every stage in our lives together.
On May 20, he kisses another woman.
______
The day he kissed her tore him apart. He was an emotional mess and hated himself. He said he loved me but was not in love with me! We talked and he said he wanted to go to counceling with me. I went and then he went and said he would not go back because the councelor would not respect his feelings! I walked on egg shells all summer trying to get him to “fall in love with me again”. Three years ago had planned a trip to Tanzania to climb Kilimanjaro this September. I thought all summer it would help him to realize what was happening to him. Unfortunately, he came back unchanged. He left me Monday, October 3. I have been battling the WHYs, what did I do, but he tells me it is within him, and he is not happy. He also claims he is NOT going through a mid-life change!
I am lost right now and need to find myself. I know I am a great person and I have a lot of support around me. I feel so broken.
@Susan: it isn’t for us to show a person they are in mid life transformation, the more you try to prove they are in crisis, the more you give energy for that crisis to happen, for a person to deny it, and then push everything into melt down.
As a partner you must release their crisis, not let it define your life to crisis and start determining how you want to live. As you move ahead in your life, then answers will start appearing for everyone involved.
I help people learn how to do this and find their path safely. If you need a guide contact me for help.
Casey
My husband whom I love n adore so much just told me he wants to live by himself. After probing deeper, I discovered he has connected with a woman and wishes to pursue it. He is in an emotional roller coaster at the moment, on one hand he really wants to go, but he feels guilty about me, he also felt responsible for me. He was worried about how others might see him, but not anymore. He doesn’t care anymore. It’s like he is yearning for a new life and wants me to release him.
It is really tearing me apart,I am trying to be strong. We had a chat and he opened up to me like a friend. I want my husband back, so i told him that i will not judge him and I promised to give him space and time. But when I know that he is still going to see her, it breaks my heart, and I can’t do anything about it. I still have to pretend to smile and act strong in front of him coz of my promise. But inside, My heart feels like its bleeding and suffocating. How much can a girl like me really take?
What gives me hope is that he has agreed to go for counseling with me. Made appt for 2 wks later. At least,he is still willing to give it a try. I can’t stop myself from kissing n hugging him. The yearn for physical contact is especially strong, maybe because I m afraid that I might not have the opportunity for long. I stare at him sleeping n secretly held his hand for the same reasons. Today, I asked him out for a date next week n he agreed, but is this advisable?
Sometimes he acts normal, other times he is just cold. I cant imagine living without him, and I really want to save our marriage and is willing to forgive his affair, i just want him back! I act strong in front of him, but every time he turns his back, I am back to my weak, crying state. Do you have any advice for me?
@Bleeding heart: Tearing yourself apart only ensures you speed up crisis and speed up the ending of your relationship.
The best way to handle this is to working to grow and discover new ways to be strong. To literally move ahead in your life on your own terms rather than let another person drag you through crisis. If you do this it can have amazing effect on your life and relationship.
I sent you a personal email to discuss how to start and to do this. Since this process has to always be tailored to each individual person’s situation.
sincerely
Casey
Hi i wonder if you can give me your perpective on my situaion myself and my husband have been happily married for 26 yrs shared the same sense of humour good sex life and everyone said we made a perfect couple and a good team we have two children one has aspergers although i cant lie deep down i have felt my husband over the years wanted a bit more in life and he hates his job even though he works at the aiirport so has travelled the world a lot as he enjoyed traveling and i would let him go away on holidays on his own and holidays together my husband always said if i ever left him he would kill himself as loved me so much, but 4 mths ago my husband started to change as he nursed his mother for whom she had cancer and she died after 7 weeks end july 2011 myself and my husband had not got along with his mother for yrs but the last year of her life we all got on great! my husband and i live in london and his parents live in kent and thats where my husband grew up and myself in kent then not long before his mum died my husband got back in touch with his first luv who is happily married just to see how she was after 3o yrs so that was strange he also became very cold and distant to me and started to go out in kent with all his old friends girls and boys from his youth again and started taking more care of his apereance and buy new underwear and yet insists theres no one else? he never came home to london for 3 mths saying he needed space he thretened to quit his job and sell the home said he didnt luv me anymore and wants to be a single man and do what he wants to do from now on ,he is going councilin but refuses to go together we sleeps in seperate beds as he insists for three mths now and has put his wedding ring on his other hand he has just come home two weeks ago after being in kent for mths come back to go back to work he works 7 days on then 4 off and says he will support the family for now and stay in our home while he is working in london as he needs a base for work so he can carry on supporting things and then when he is off work for those four days he goes to kent in a hotel and few days with his dad who tells him go home to your loving wife the thing is i originaly at the start broke down tears the lot told him how much i loved him only for him to hate it so then i changed my tatic and i went out and did my own things to which i am still doing two mths on but it hurts he is going out partying and i go out and do my thing i even said he should go on holiday for a mth to help him a bit as i said he needs time to explore himself again and find the person he is before he looses everything, but he said maybe he will go away ? but he has mentioned a tattoo and a motorbike to friends in conversation and told his friends that he cant fault me as i am a good wife and mother but he is going to do this be single from now on, i have now mentioned about selling the house as i feel he wont change and could be like this for yrs and his response was as if its my choosing if i do that but he insists its over and just wants to be friends thats all he keeps saying what do i do hang in there! or look at moving on i do still love and care for him will he regret in the end ? sincerly maria
I supposed when facing any change, including midlife crisis, one way to cope is to keep in mind that everything, however good or bad it may be in the past, will come to an end one day, and by adopting Taoist’s philosophy of being “soft and pliant” as opposed to “hard and rigid” when the inevitable change comes. Great site, keep it up!
@Marie: It seems to be a case of mid life crisis.
The materials on this site will help you some understand parts of it. But he is becoming a different person. This means in reflection you will become a new person also.
The first question then becomes what do you need to do to support your life. Then take steps to grow. Don’t hate him or try to recreate the past. He is being clear about wanting to move on. So take strong steps to living a kind , strong and healthy life for yourself and your children. Do your best to keep the friendship and dont worry about wasting energy towards the marriage which he has declared as over. Use your energy for yourself and children. The more serious you start building your own life up, the better the chances are he will turn around to be helpful rather than distant.
Patience, this is a process that will take several years to grow into.
Sincerely
Casey
is there any particular standardised questionnaire to measure the mid life crisis?
Ana: I dont know of any standardized questionnaire for mid life crisis. Some might exist, But its like adolescence , it happens and you deal with it as it happens.
Casey,
Thanks so much for some seriously positive insights/explanations, it’s amazing to see how many others out there are suffering out there with heart ache and major life change etc… sometimes when you feel so alone you feel like you’re the only one going through such crisis! You think you’re a nutta or something, because your friends and family aren’t going through what you are…. Big thanks!
Mila
@Camilla: yes mid life crisis can feel crazy and yet, it’s about becoming sane for the first time in many years, the sanity of living your own life, upon your own terms.
In kindness we balance out the overall process and its balancing out kindness which is the hardest part of all in this process of change.
Even worse everyone’s definition of what it is to be kind can be at odds with each other, so listening to your own heart as the tie breaker is also often a heart breaker for those around you.
So Mid life transformation becomes a delicate time also. Sadly, people add in judgement and the delicate time often becomes one of conflict and that messes it all up for everyone.
You are welcomed Camilla, explore with peace and open heart.
Sincerely
casey
Thank you for your response
Is there a specific age that someone normally goes through a mid-life crisis?
MSD29: There is generally an age range of 35-55. Depends on many factors when in that range mid life transformation occurs.
For some they never even open up to their changes and miss the chance to be themselves completely.
Its been two months since the bomb was dropped on me by my wife. The only difference was she said I love you but am not sure if I love you. I was shocked to say the least and very naive to catch on. My initial reaction was non confrontation with my spouse. Why? That evening I was blamed for everything, and I mean everything. Her statements regarding our family was so cold it was irrationale. What Mother would emotionally harm her kids without making superhuman efforts to prevent it. In the end, I recognized that her departure from reality as we had known and lived it was so drastic I knew we were dealing with something she had little controll over. So, in the initial days/weeks, I played possum, I chose a path of non confrontation. I excluded the possibility of an affair (at least an obvious one). I started a support network of family with the caviot that they keep quiet and do not confront her but only reinforce the truth when she seems to be going too far left of center. I gave her space, made certain trips happen that she has desired to go on and have told her I accept the new and real wife that she has become. I did this assuming the “real ” her is not developed at present….Trying to buy time and trust. I have been physically cut off but yet she still kisses me good night, sleeps in the same bed, and says I love you to me, albeit not with the passion it use to have. She has all classic signs and still neglects me and the children. I try to keep confrontation to a minimum and have made a 200% effort to change some of my failings and to engage her new life but without smothering her. I made a pact before God many years ago and intend to keep it. If I was in the fog I would want the same done for me. Is there anything else I should do?
@Mark: Understand that just because confrontation will make thing worse, doesn’t automatically mean Non confrontational is the answer either. Non confrontational is not what your wife is asking for, Nor will non-confrontation work.
She is asking for release. Until you release, you will be stuck with conflict in your own heart. Until you release: confrontation will be how she will reply to a “surface level Non confrontational” approach. Look carefully at your words and see how in your heart you are still confrontating her with judgment. Until you release, you are as guilty as she is in this process.
sincerely
Casey
Mid life transformation is not an easy process for anyone involved, and often due to how people move thru it, leave many problems to resolve.
In the years I have run the site, up till this week, everyone has been respectful. This week, I had to for the first time remove a post which was written in a disrespectful manner.
Comments left in anger, judgement or without respect will be deleted.
Times are getting harder and people are making harder choices, but that means also to work harder in using kindness. Find grace in the words and manner you express personal opinion. Otherwise personal judgements will only cut you further away from solutions.
Not everyone is going to agree with this site or how I approach mid life transformation. It is easy enough to find other resources or teachers. Go to the place which fits for you.
Sincerely
Casey
I take it it was my comment that was removed, it was not posted in anger, it just brought up a point you do not seem willing to mention.
The point being that there is more at work here than a rebirth of an individual.
There are all kinds of hormonal changes going on in middle aged adults that can trigger abnormal behavior, such as the abandonment of wives, husbands and most importantly the children.
As has been mentioned by many others here who have lost their spouses to MLC, their marriages were often long standing without any “Divorce-able offenses”. The formerly loving spouse over the space of a couple of months becomes almost an alien. Such behavior is not the act of someone seeking growth or spiritual enlightenment and one would be arrested for it if they treated abandoned an animal in the same manner. This may not agree with your stance, but it needs to be addressed.
@Mike : I deleted your last comment since it was done in a belittling / derogatory manner. I work with many people at mid life and the changes they experience can be the most profound and beautiful moments experienced in their entire life.
Your current response is more respectful and will not get deleted because you phrased it in a more balanced manner.
Do not belittle the change or the turmoil a person goes thru in this process. It is very real. Your perspective and that of your ex partner are very different. Many times in this situation due to differences that occur, there isn’t a “right” answer that will reconcile both sides. These situations often get very messy.
The process I use is based on kindness not judgement. However, kindness for two different people don’t always meet eye to eye either.
When working with people on average I save more marriages than not and the ones that do break up, 95% of the time occur with kindness where I manage to negotiate a friendship between the parties involved to help resolve out children and other shared life path issues more kindly. But my process isn’t for everyone and I only work with those that are open to releasing judgement in this process. Judgement results in hate, and conflict. Most people who approach this process in judgement will label this material as bunk and never come back. That is fine, because then they go elsewhere to find processes that fit better for them. I never make the claim this is for everyone.
Yes at times extreme differences, and yes occasionally even mental instability, do factor in to make things even worse.
On it’s own Mid life transformation is actually a natural part of many people’s life and is not related to mental instability. But the extreme situations and feelings a person goes thru can at times break people. But cases of mental instability are often due to mental instability that was occurring long before the midlife crisis. It is just the mid life crisis brings it to the surface to be seen more easily. Many people feel like they are going crazy but they are not. It’s a very confusing point of life for many people. It’s all too easy to judge someone , blame them and then move on with hate, which all to many people fall to, because that is the easier road that this society gives people to follow. Kindness and non judgement is the harder path to travel.
Also as is often the case person can literally grow into a new person, and that new person is alien to you at that point. But that doesn’t make it wrong, it just makes it not part of your life and acceptance between the two parties becomes a hard to obtain process. People often change into new people we don’t get along with, that’s life, we change with time. And the consequences of such change does and can generate lots of conflict.
This is a spiritual site, spirit represents the movement of life. IN my practice and this site I have helped thousands of people, but again, what I teach isn’t for everyone, but for countless people it has made a huge difference. There are many sites that approach mid life from mental health perspective and it’s up to people to use those resources when looking to handle it from that angle. Each resource is geared for people at different stages and perspectives of life and there is no magic line, or way to determine where that separation line is.
We work with people one person at a time and help them find answers that best work in kindness. Many times I refer people who contact me directly to other resources for this reason.
Peace in your own path.
sincerely
Casey
The more comments I read the more confused I got. I’m not sure who is having the midlife crisis or if anyone is. I am definately going through a midlife transformation. My husband has always been irresponsible, full of lies, drinks, has at least had an emotional affair,etc. I have never been over weight but lost 25lbs and work out every day. I have decided not to put up with the drinking and have been moving toward a divorce. I have physically and emotionally changed–mostly good things I feel. My husband accused me of going through a midlife crisis. I guess maybe I am, but I feel like I need to. I have read a lot of self-help books and feel like I need to pull away. After reading all of this I am feeling wrong about pulling away. Like it’s just a “crisis” I’m going through and I shouldn’t “give up” everything I worked so hard for. That’s been my biggest problem for the last year is being afraid of that.
@Karen:
Many of the responses you read are here are from people trying to figure out next steps in their mid life crisis situation that has flipped all the rules of their life to unpredictable places. People involved in midlife crisis situations are often times being forced to release an old life that is supporting them while in the middle of being trying to figure out possible new ways to live.
Many times the posts written here are a person’s first attempt to verbalize an overpowering life changing event. So the confusion you feel is understandable.
I approach this on a case by case basis helping each person find their path. However, in how I respond online, here is a very delicate business. I have to respond in a manner that slowly begins stepping people onto a path of growth, not an easy thing to do , when slight variations at different time points create vastly different outcomes. Especially when these responses are going to be read by many different people like yourself later.
These pages are general up front stepping stones to help people begin to puzzle out their situation. Many people contact me personally for more in depth help later. The process is unique for each person and I work with people all over the world over the phone or Skype.
This is really about mid life transformation: a time in life where people become their own person. This by definition is personal process, not something to stamp out as a one size fit all process for everyone.
This experience is almost impossible for me to verbalize. I can’t find a place to begin. It almost feels as if I’m floating and can’t get a grip to even see where I am. What are your feelings on hormone replacement for women.