Signs of a Midlife Transformation

Finding Answers & HelpThis article is an introduction and a list of signs to help identify midlife crisis for yourself or someone you love.

I professionally work with many people in Mid Life Crisis by guiding the process to become a time of transformation. The most important truth is that this event doesn’t have to become a crisis. This should be a time of life to embrace change to become something greater. Don’t let this be a fear driven event, instead follow inner inspiration to make life better.

Signs of a Midlife Crisis

People often look for a list of signs to validate if a midlife crisis is at hand. The experience is a combination of feelings, events and physical changes that indicate a transformation is at hand. The final proof often occurs in retrospect after a person accepts they have changed and comes to terms with new life patterns. However, it’s possible to see the signs that forewarn of crisis and over time use the symptoms to actually help guide the mid life transformation process.

The truest indicators are the signs that actually illustrate drastic lifestyle changes in a person’s life. Most typically it will be friends and co-workers who diagnose the Midlife Crisis before the person in crisis will even realize it. In fact: just having someone point out you are in a crisis can be enough stress to trip a person into actually having a crisis.


Symptoms of Mid Life Crisis

The following is a list of symptoms that illustrate how defining a mid life crisis is truly relative to the person experiencing the changes.

  1. Looking into the mirror and you no longer recognize yourself.
  2. Desiring to quit a good job.
  3. Unexplained bouts of depression when doing tasks that used to make you happy.
  4. Changing or investigating new religions, churches or new age philosophy.
  5. Change of habits. Activities which used to bring pleasure now are boring. Unable to complete or concentrate on tasks which used to be easy.
  6. It feels good to get hurt.
  7. Wanting to run away from everything.
  8. A desire to get into physical shape.
  9. Irritability or unexpected anger.
  10. Change in allergies.
  11. Desire for physical -Free Flowing- movement (Running, Biking, Dance, Fast red sports cars, Sky diving, etc).
  12. Exploring new musical tastes.
  13. Sudden desire to learn how to play an instrument.
  14. Sudden interest in drawing, painting, writing books or poetry.
  15. Shifting sleep patterns (Typically to less).
  16. Thinking about death, wondering about the nature of death.
  17. Changes to the balance of vitamins you take. Or taking dietary supplements for the purposes of extending life.
  18. Extreme changes to what you eat.
  19. Excessively buying new clothes and taking more time to look good.
  20. Hair changes. (Natural changes in thickness, luster, color or Assisted changes in dying hair suddenly or shaving your head bald)
  21. A desire to surround yourself with different settings.
  22. Hanging out with a different generation as their energy and ideas stimulate you.
  23. Restarting things, which you dropped 20 years earlier.
  24. Upset at where society is going. Experience a desire to change the world for the better.
  25. Feeling trapped or tied down by fiscal responsibilities.
  26. Leaving (Mentally or Physically) family or feeling trapped in current family relationships.
  27. A desire to teach others or become a healer.
  28. Desiring a simple life.
  29. Excessively looking back to one’s childhood.
  30. Playing again just to play!
  31. Keep re-asking yourself: “Where am I going with my life?”
  32. Getting fixated on new “wonder” solutions to problems.
  33. Recently experiencing something extremely stressful. Stress can trigger a Midlife transformation. Some examples include: Changing Jobs, Divorce, Death of someone close, Chemical/Toxic exposure upon the body or experiencing a major illness.
  34. Doing things that get you into trouble when it surprises everyone as being out of character.
  35. Someone unexpectedly exclaims: “You are going through a midlife crisis!”



A Midlife crisis is actually the attempt to restart life to better fit a person’s heart. Due to existing personal commitments, it often isn’t easy to self resolve the inner conflict a person’s feels. As a result many times a person in mid life crisis will act confused or lost while trying to sort out the contradictions they feel and now have in their life. Also many times a person is trying to improve their life while not really understanding why they are acting in the manner they are. This mixture of conscious to unconscious actions often makes a person in midlife crisis unpredictable. This is also leads to the most dangerous mid life crisis symptom of denial. To confront a person in the initial stages of midlife crisis will often invoke and reinforce strong statements of denial due to the disconnect of conscious vs unconscious actions.

Most often a Midlife Crisis is defined well into the process of change. This is because it becomes most visible after a drastic shift’s in one’s nature. However, the process often has started long before the visible symptoms appear. It’s possible to aid a person to discover how to define life to fit better to what makes them content and happy. Care does need to be taken as often times a person in midlife crisis will feel trapped and in a corner without options.


Handling the Symptoms of Mid Life Crisis


Experiencing a midlife crisis is not about curing a set of symptoms. In other words this isn’t something you go to a doctor for a treatment to cure, rather this represents a time of life when a person is looking for an education to expand their life. It’s about shifting life to better fit where the person’s spirit yearns to be. A midlife crisis is a very natural biological and psychological process of a person maturing. While some of the symptoms might indicate a process opposite of maturing: at times a person needs to step backwards in order to move forward. This can also mean learning to play again since play is indeed a form of education.

Everyone evolves within their life as they get older. The truest resolution to crisis is learning to embrace the facts of one’s change and investigate methods of transformation. To do nothing is to let crisis decide how you change, Crisis still invokes change, but it’s an external change that a person no longer can control and often breaks those around us in the bargain.

Another problem is that modern western lifestyles are based upon chasing dollars and goals rather than supporting personal truth. People are so focused looking forward to their incomes and the next pay check that they forget or feel they cannot afford to embrace living to their true internal personal needs in the now. Sadly this way of looking at the problem in terms of finance only, also means just doing nothing and that only promotes and expands the crisis into happening anyway!

Understand: It is far cheaper to address and educate oneself in this process than it is to pay the longer term consequences of letting it become a full fledged crisis.

Midlife Crisis Symptoms

Find Help Changing Direction

One of tht most difficult symptoms to resolve is the fact that people experiencing midlife crisis often feel separated, misunderstood and alone.
A bigger truth when in midlife crisis is that you don’t have to be alone. Rather you can find solace with those that don’t limit the transformation by outside judgments. Many times people in midlife crisis seek solitude to more easily avoid judgment from others.

I know from personal experience you can find answers that gracefully work. This isn’t easy and this is always an educational process. Finding guidance can make this process more graceful by showing ways to work around the common pitfalls. Don’t look for help that tries to define you, rather look for help that helps you avoid common mistakes! The trouble is the pressing feelings of being alone and the need to make this process one’s own path often make it all the more difficult to find outside help.


Partners of Mid Life Crisis


We must also consider the partners of those experiencing mid life crisis. Some of the signs that Mid Life Crisis partners often exhibit are:

  • Becoming more judgmental
  • Ignoring there is a problem at all and thinking it will all go away with only patience
  • And usually 1/4th of the symptoms that the person in midlife crisis is experiencing

As stated earlier: becoming judgmental or patiently waiting for things to resolve actually only reinforce the problems of crisis..

Understand that the process of change is often as hard for the partner as it is for the person experiencing crisis. Partners often find themselves confused and even worse getting left behind as the person in crisis sometimes goes running off to search for freedom that eludes their capacity to define. This often forces partners to become more judgmental as they look for answers and this further drives a wedge between the partners. Know that the worse thing a person can do is to act in a judgmental manner that will actually aggravate a person in mid life transformation into running away straight into facing a full blown midlife crisis.

The most ironic fact is since partners are so close, is that they reflect each other. When one person is in midlife crisis, that midlife crisis is often psychologically contagious to partners. As a result, partners are often a few steps earlier in the process and this can allow the partner to approach their own mid life process more openly in terms of transformation. Since usually they are looking for answers to help their partner, partners often use those very same answers to help themselves unconsciously. Three times out of four it’s the partner who I first assist as they are usually the first person to contact me for help. Being earlier in their own process it is easier to help shift the process in transformation as they have made less mistakes to recover from and are all too eager to avoid the problems they see from the other person in crisis.

What If My Partner has Left?

Start to Find Answers Now

If you need help right away you can start here with this 30 minute video. The video has a 2 minute preview and then the full video has a cost of 17.50 to watch completely.

Introduction to Midlife Crisis: A Time of Transformation


Growing Beyond Mid Life Crisis

Learn how to regain control of your life.

This 30 minute video covers:

  • What is Midlife Crisis?
  • What age does Mid Life Crisis typically begin?
  • A deeper explanation of Midlife transformation. Don’t get trapped by the word “Crisis”.
  • Explaining the natural life cycles we all live through.
  • The psychological aspects of Mid Life transformation.
  • The duality of transformation.
    Putting to words the frustration a person feels in change.
  • How to reveal the new side of your life.
    The attraction of new relationships and friends.
  • What happens in the body during Mid Life transformation.
  • How to re-balance out your life in Midlife.
    A person going through Mid Life Crisis is not crazy!
  • How to remove conflict from your life in Mid Life Crisis.
    Expanding life options.
  • Dealing with Mid Life Crisis frustrations.
    How to talk with others.
  • Dealing with Depression from Mid Life Crisis.
    Discovering how to pace yourself and play in transformation.
  • I want to run away!
    How to stay true to oneself rather than run away.
  • Releasing with Grace. How Long does Mid Life Transformation take?
  • Speeding up a Mid Life Transformation.
  • I can’t stop myself! How do I move ahead in a better manner?
  • Expanding your awareness to more efficiently move ahead in your transformation.
  • Don’t repress, rather learn how to release.
  • The next steps to your Mid Life Transformation.


Finding Help to Resolve Mid Life Crisis


If this page resonants with you, then it means: it’s time to change routines and shift how you move in the world. The very nature of the signs you are witnessing are also a reflection of a process of change. Denying change is what brings about the crisis you are in or feel is looming ahead of you. Holding on to old answers gives life no space to grow into something new, the very thing a midlife transformation is all about. To preserve the aspects of what you love most often means to release and switch around quite a bit in your life to open space for the path of discovering positive transformation.

Change isn’t easy, and the prospects of change often paralyzes the strongest person. Ironically when this is the case then the solution is often to take a simple retreat to pause and to reflect on one’s life. Sometimes to take pause in awareness itself is the change people need! Often times pausing means to stop the actions which were fostering the crisis. As a result, Pause isn’t to do nothing, pause is an active process of examining potentials and considering which options would fit best in life! People often need to be taught how to pause and this is why those in midlife crisis often seek to learn meditation as a technique of pause to help them find peace in their situation.

This is a time of choice, the choice of crisis or transformation. To do nothing is to pick Crisis, To do nothing is to continue living life to the past choices that led everything to this crisis you face. In these articles I give a person some basic information to work with, enough so you have a chance to encourage the process towards transformation. If you have questions then it is a simple matter to contact me to ask a question.

Without help, on average I see people take 3 to 5 years of many false starts and painful side trips before they settle down in their life. Also many of these people don’t end up in a place that truly matches where they were hoping to go.

With teaching and patient guidance Every person I work with works thru these changes in less than half the time ( 1 to 2 years of learning and exercises to rebuild a stronger life) and everyone I work with ends up in a place they want to be. Since I guide people to grow in their essence rather than chasing expectations.

The solution is about getting a new perspective to encourage actions that channel the crisis energy into constructive processes. Sometimes just asking a question is enough of an action to resolve a seemingly impossible crisis into a process of growth that truly transforms everything.



For teaching or counseling assistance to help resolve problems you are facing, contact me at:
(360) 870-2897

Additional Midlife Crisis Reading Materials

Please post below your experience or questions regarding your midlife transformation.

I will remove any comments which are rantings, are morality/judgement statements, link to outside pages or aren’t respectful.


344 Responses to Signs of a Midlife Transformation

  1. ROSA says:

    I am 38 years old female and although MLC usually appears between the ages of 40-60 I believe I am going through it now. I have lost all interest in everything including my husband. I didnt realize that MLC was such a serious thing until I realized myself that this is what I was going through. I find myself in limbo a lot during the course of the day. I hope that I don’t have this for the next two years because I am not sure what I am capable of. I am open to all or any suggestions to help me through this process. My husband and I sleep in seperate bedrooms. And when I asked him if he knew what midlife crisis was last night he smirked like I was crazy. He is 48 and has never been very understanding. Help

  2. @Rosa: Take time to live, find some exercise to keep you feeling your life. Be ready to take a few years to find your course in life. Trying to force it or rush it doesn’t work.

    Also it isn’t uncommon for partners to scoff at this change or to judge it as only being crazy. When this is the case, you need to just work on yourself and slowly find your new life.

  3. PS says:

    Thanks so much for your articles. I am 36 year old woman, and married for over 12 years. My husband is 38 and a good man. Our relationship has been up and down and currently going through some turmoil. We don’t have kids and I want kids soon. I feel like I have so many of these symptoms I am going through now. I do hope that I can be true to myself soon and find the right path.

  4. Shattered says:

    I am the spouse of someone going through a mid life crisis and in my desperation to find answers I stumbled on your page and it feels like you hit the bulls eye with everything that I have been observing. After 15 years together we welcomed a child into the world, he is a great father and loves his daughter but suddenly he is distant. He suddenly feels like he had lost himself and feels trapped in his life, the things that made him so happy before are now reminders of a life that he doesn’t want. We have now been to marriage counselling for 2 months and it’s really helping because he holds on to the notion that people should be born compatible and communication isn’t needed, if that isn’t the case then the pair is not meant to be together.

    I’m really heart broken, I have been very patient with him and we are now at 6 months and he doesn’t feel any different. He wants to try fix things but doesn’t know how to himself. I look at this man who I have loved for over 15 years and its blank when he looks back. We don’t live in the States and there doesn’t seem to be any counsellors who specialise in helping someone through a mid life crisis.

    I love our family and I hope we survive but I’m am mentally exhausted and I’m not sure how long I can hold on for as he tries to work out what he wants.

  5. PS: Be patient and stay true to what you want, not what others push on to you or what society has taught you to think it should be like.

    This is a time to make sure your life is aligned to you.

  6. Suzanne Andrews says:

    In Tears I say Thank You for your site.I am not only in a huge Mid Life Crisis I already had the Affair. Your site rings so true to who I am becoming, and the Spirit I have been my whole life, so lost and adrift in this world so asleep. In three years I have stopped drinking, lost everything, sold my house, moved across the USA for the 21st time, fell in love with another man, lost my beloved Mother to cancer I was with her for 6 months till her last breath, completely cleaned out and took care of her estate, taught my stepfather how to live without my mom and was separated from my husband of 25 years for 2 years.I am back with my husband, in a life I have been miserable in for years, judging from all the entries in my journals for the last 20 years. I love my husband for the friends we have become and for all we have been through together, a very hard life where we only had each other.I had 30000.00 dollars of Psycho Dynamic Psychotherapy and Nero Feed back and then was dismissed from the practice because of counter transferance and it took me two years to heal myself from this all the while my life continuing to fall apart. Life no longer works for me but as a Mystic in training I keep getting up each morning filled with dispare hoping the answer will come to me somehow. The man I have fallen in love with who knows if he is really the one? My husband is so stuck in his ways and I know he would try but as always fall back into what is comfortable for him which is me waiting on him and living his life, his temper and bigotry and only living mine in secret. I am fifty three and no longer want to live that is how trapped I am. I would welcome your type of help but not sure if I have the funds. What ever the case your site is what I have been looking for my whole life, I know you would have believed me when at three when I told you everything had rainbows around them…My life has been taken on all the Blue Highways the highways most fear to tread. I am truly in the Dark Night of the Soul. Thank You

  7. Suzanne Andrews says:

    P.S. I am suffering from all the symptoms in your Mid Life Crisis and Affair page, and not just now but for the last 20 years, all much easier to take while using alcohol to deaden the constant pain. Now sober for 2 1/2 years everything is so in my face I can barely function, and being an Empath makes all the feelings, and stimulation from the outside world even worse for me. The one that is the worst is the dying of the Spirit and Soul I am there, and the slow deadening of my heart is beyond anything I have ever felt, I am now standing at my own side looking at myself dying spiritually, I am alone in this experience, just reaching out and finding your site makes me know that Spirit is answering my cries for help.

  8. @Suzanne: Now starts the hard part to turn the crisis around into transformation. Love to the future, don’t root to the past and start crafting a new life, your life.

    This site is showing you how to release the judgements: that creates space to step into a new life, one small step at a time.

  9. cynthia says:

    Wow! Now starts the hard part to turn the crisis around into transformation.Love to the future,don’t root to the past and start crafting a new life,your life.
    I do appreciate your words as i have just realized what i have been going through and i am so thankful that i am not alone in the experience!
    Life is good when we are able to share with others!
    Peace be with you and yours.

  10. Corina says:

    I have been with my husband for 5 years and we recently married. WE only married in march and now he wants a divorce as he says he is on a journey that does not include me . After reading al of the syptoms I strongly believe that he is going through a crisis. He had a bitter divorce, his father died, he changed jobs, moved and now works overseas fo long periods of time and thinks that when he gets home he has to be this spiritual guru to himself . He reads all these self help books which do not help him at all. I am strong but this is wearing me down and I am not sure I can hold on any more .. What can I do to get through this ?? I don’t want to give up on my marriage or him as basically we are good together .. I am shattered and am wondering if I should let him go in order to find myself .. Any suggestions are much appreciated . I live in Australia and there only seems to be counsellors who don’t seem to deal with this ..

  11. @Corina: If you don’t want to give up on your marriage, then give him some space and take some time to explore your own life. Begin to simplify and strengthen your own personal lifestyle first.

  12. @Cynthia: You are far from being alone.

    Over time you find more and more people who have gone thru similar experiences, and then together you can work with others to improve how the larger society responds to crisis.

  13. Ingrid says:

    Casey, I am 50 (married) with a 9 yr old son.

    I have been immersing myself in a whole heap of reading on climate change, peak oil, economic meltdown, population explosion, consumerism and finite resources, the environment etc.

    I feel upside down. I feel confused.
    It seems as if it is not just me that has been on the wrong track but the whole world.
    I feel more awake. I feel lonely.

    Is the whole world in a midlife crisis.

  14. Caey Kochmer says:

    Ingrid: yes that is exactly what is happening, the world itself, the larger global society is within a Midlife crisis.

    Myself and many others are working to help guide it into a becoming a kind transformation rather than a crisis. You are not alone. You had a deep and profound insight. The path is kindness, modesty and non judgement to shift a world into balance again. I am glad to meet you and say you are not alone, in friendship we work together to evolve crisis into transformation.

  15. Ingrid says:

    Thanks Casey, yes it feels like I have suddenly seen a different reality and also I feel I suddenly have an awareness of those people in this world who are trying to effect a change, who are shining a light, who are on a different path, there are many people! It feels like I will need to let go of shame and negativity in order to step onto a new path. Today, as I felt feelings of anxiety/panic about being so inadequate/dumb come up, I looked around at the beautiful trees in my garden and felt “I am part of nature” and it felt like there was a blanket of anxiety that was wrapped around my shoulders and that it just slipped off and I could breathe and I was in a place where just “being” is o.k. It feels like this is something I need to remember.

  16. Ingrid says:

    P.S. I am happy to meet you. Greetings friend.

  17. SM says:

    My husband of 19 years is going through mid life crisis. In august of this year he became ver distant and angry, he added a password to his phone and started having late meetings at work. When I confronted him he admitted to an affair with a 23 year old girl ( the same age as his daughter from a previous marriage). We are in counseling to help save our 19 year old marriage, but I still feel some days there are more than two people in this marriage. He also told me yesterday that he would have preferred to remain friends with this 23 year old. My husband will be 50 early next year

  18. @SM: The trick isn’t to save the old marriage. That broke once already and to recreate it will mean it will break again. Yet that is what so many people repeatedly try to do.

    The harder path ahead: is to first let go pre-concieved notion of what a partnership should look like. Then explore if you can create a new friendship. Finally, if you are able to grow and let go of the judgements of what happened to then grow into a new relationship and future.

    What that relationship looks like: is often very different and unique for each person / couple.

    As a teacher who helps others in this: I know this is an art in being a guide to the future, to help each person, each couple discover a new set of patterns to live against.

    Most people choose old patterns and the main stream society stories told to them over and over again. That just leads to the average argumentatively nasty divorce and that is rarely is a pleasant experience in western society.

    Be brave enough to forge a new path ahead is the hard path, but also the graceful path.

  19. Mads says:

    My husband left me 4 1/2 years ago after literally changing before my eyes!!! I had noticed him withdrawing for 6 months previously but guessed work was getting him down….life was not without it’s problems. We were solid (so I thought)and were past the hardest bit of rebuilding his life which had taken a good 10 years as he had been previously married with kids ! Through hard work and grit we got on our feet ,married ,had a couple of kids and finally life had a purpose. Within 2 years I watched his energy go and him become lost until I asked what was happening to him/us…….Big mistake! He could no longer hide from his life and it appeared to all be my fault! We had never argued and I loved him so much I just wanted him to see life contented and with a happy heart. But he left…….
    This past 4 years were the most soul searching time for me once I realised I had lost him yet finally after I accepted it ( a good 2 years for that)I almost feel privileged to have had the opportunity to grow!!! How bizarre is that?
    I still look to understand why things went that way and this site is probably the most understanding from the science to the spiritual awakening. I am now aware I must allow for ‘fate’ or however we wish to think to show me the direction my life will take. With 2 young kids and responsibilities to fill my life that feels such a gamble yet I know it will be ok……..I shall continue to watch ,work and grow as a person but to also enjoy the journey for what it is rather than keep wishing for the past.
    Reading about MLC I really do think he was/is having one which is sad as he now has a new relationship and has denied any part of his departure being anything other than a mistake….for 12 years!!!
    I (the partner) feel it did trigger a MLC in me and as mentioned above and confronted it head on in order to find a way out.
    In conclusion……time is your best friend and don’t be afraid to dissect your inner self to find your real self :-)

  20. Donna Dunbar says:

    I have within the last three years quit a job and floundered with my weight, my self esteem, my self worth, my direction and my mortality. I am exhausted. I will suddenly panic and my heart will race and the only thing I can think of is “what am I going to do with my life?” Most things on your list apply to me with the exception of marriage problems as I have been divorced for a long time. I do feel like it’s affecting my kids and my parents though. They see changes in me and they don’t understand the mid-life crisis. My mother says she never experienced one although I think she did but didn’t realize that was what it was. Most days I think I am crazy. I pray hard to overcome this and find direction but I haven’t yet. It doesn’t seem like I am ever going to be normal and with a son graduating and a little one to still take care of I can’t take time to explore what I want. I have to work and put my nose to the grind to make a life for us. Most days I feel like I am struggling to keep my head above water while tied to a weight all the while everyone is telling me to just swim to the shore. It’s just not that easy. The worst part of all of this is I’m at a crossroads with my income and I have to make a decision within the next few weeks. With all of the questions I constantly ask myself how am I ever going to make a decision??

  21. Donna: It is a hard transition time. So don’t make it harder by being hard on yourself. There are many options, and not every options works well for you. Often times you have to mix and match options together into a strange collage of old life and new life to be.

    It isn’t easy to keep you head into your new life, while also trying to survive against the old life.

    As a result I cant give a a you a go / no go answer since it’s highly dependent on so many variable you cant write about. It’s all too easy for people to just say “jump and move ahead…” but when they say it to you, they are not the ones doing the swimming are they? Advice is cheap and easy. Living to life is the challenge.

    This is up to you now. Are you up the challenge to make it or are you needing time and resources as you pull your new life strengths together?

    The crossroads you are at are not gentle nor easy to navigate. At times, a person can be at the crossroads for years getting ready for the plunge down the new life.

    I will give you this hint:
    The choice doesn’t have to be rushed as much as people feel the need to rush into the new life often appears.

  22. sarah williams says:

    Am 38, single, no kids, made redundant from ten year job last year, floated round, did a computer course (reason to get out of bed), got a job sitting at a computer to use new skills (hate it)…started to study (4th qualification, probably wont use) and now am unsure what to do…..I want kids, but I cant control that or make it happen, I want a career I care about, work to be a place I want to be at….but I dont know what….or if I should continue to study (3 more years!)…a friend told me no one will hire someone in their 40s when they can get someone in there 20s :( most of all I dont think I should be childless, loveless, and stuck in a crap job…maybe I should travel since I have no ties (BUT then I have an 83 yr old mother who needs me as SHE is alone)….what to do ??????? I know its a midlife crisis (as a teen I never saw myself living past 35, i see this as old!)

  23. @Sarah: It’s time to look deeper into your options and try to focus upon the one you can live against, work against and thrive. The exact nature of this answer varies from person to person quite a bit due to circumstances in each person’s life. Right now the longer term answer you seek isn’t possible in the shorter term: so you have to make several intermediate steps.

    I would focus on finding a simple job first, just something that you can do and find acceptable. The second thing to focus upon is your personal health. Doing something active that you enjoy. From this baseline, you can then begin to experiment and explore the various options ahead. This is just a stepping stone,from here then to slowly create a larger answer that works for you.

  24. Suzanne says:

    I’m 51 and have a very successful career but have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning to perform yet again. I don’t enjoy it – I have many other interests but lately nothing seems to be fun except sleeping. Both kids gone to school – good marriage – I should be so happy but feel so lost. Advice?

  25. Brendan Liam says:

    I’m in the tailend of it now. Been aware of it since about 2010-the year I had to sue my father and my uncle after they screwed me, failing to pay me after almost a year of work. It had a profound effect on my business morale-if I can’t trust my own father… what’s the point? Either way, the idea of continuing a brokerage (real estate) had no meaning for me.

    I had a major epiphany January 26, 2013-as a result, we (my spouse and I) decided to change our names and our children were in agreement -5 name changes. All from an interview I saw with Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali). The name change had nothing directly to do with my familial falling out-but rather with the root cause of it.

    Around January of this year (ie 3 months ago) I started doing a little art with our 2nd daughter, Falyn at the suggestion of my wife since Fally and I were not very connected. I felt like a real ass as upon making this small effort-this little girl opened up completely and were very close now. To cut to the chase-I realized/decided that I’m an artist, not a broker. And keep in mind, I have nearly zero background in art. No training, no education other than 3 of my 185 college credits-and still that was for drawing, which I hadn’t, well haven’t done since and that was 20 years ago. But since January, I’ve been quite busy-art just pouring out of me. I’ve done almost 300 paintings, most of them not finished but well into the process. I closed my brokerage somewhere in there (not officially, it just kind of happened).

    And I don’t think I have much talent either. Let me back up a moment as this relates to spirituality as well. In December, I prayed, and not prayed like in Christianity, more like an affirmation (I’m a Nichiren Buddhist), to “Have a job I can do from anywhere.” As we were talking about leaving this nation, so void of its claimed heart of liberty (then why do we have more laws than any nation-state in history!!) and indeed this is my response to my prayer a very loud one. I even extended it to include the apocalypse and I’m confident I could survive. My methodology has developed quiickly and some of my paintings take less than 5 minutes and you’d never know it. It’s all abstract, but very complex and detailed. I plan to include a painted magnifying glass with my mesonite paintings/prints. I’ve found it just as much an asset that I’m so ignorant of art as a liability. Scratch that-only an asset so far.

    It dawned on me that “art” as an industry or a concept is somethign of a stranglehold upon itself. I have no constraints. I sculpted recently inside a large basket. Don’t worry, I have faith that the polycrylic will hold in all the plaster. I’m a bit broke from not working the previous job for months now nad spending so much on paint and various supplies… But I think I’m headed for a couple patents and hopefully will show that the end consumer CAN make up their own mind-they either like it or they don’t. By this I mean or allude to gallery owners-who apparently are like the president and choose a justice every once in a while, declaring them “good enough to buy”. I’m close to opening up. And I expect my line of “Weapons from the Apocalypse” to selll very well. I believe as a nobody, I can make $10,000/painting off a few and never even sell the original.

    MOral? Well either most artists aren’t that creative, or I am beyond delusional. We’ll see. I’m just glad I’m not at the mercy of a god or even deaf gods, like chance, or pre-determinism, all 3 are fatalism when you boil it down. So for me, mostly inaction worked okay-but only because I poured desire into that prayer.

  26. Walty says:

    I am surprised by the lack of men’s comments, so I wanted to contribute my point of view to assure you that this is very very real and very very scary for those of us who have lived it. I am 47 years old, and I have been struggling for the last few years trying to figure out if I am going crazy. I recently took an unpaid leave of absence from my job as I felt too unpredictable and mentally unstable to proceed. (After holding my last career for 20 years with less than 10 sick days)

    Now that I have found this site, I realize that I fit over 30 of the symptoms VERY closely. I feel better just realizing that this is normal. It’s horribly confusing…more emotions than I realized were possible, but overall I do feel that I have changed my life for the better. My priorities now make sense to me, and they are completely different than my priorities just 5 years ago. Now I know what I need to focus on, so thank you for sharing this information.

    My wife has been amazingly supportive which helped a lot, and we talked at great length about what I was feeling and how I should proceed. Fortunately, we will still be married after this is done, but that was not always guaranteed. She did need to address one of her own demons that was causing me distress on a daily basis, and she has lived up to her end of the bargain. Overall, I am optimistic that we will have a happier and healthier relationship moving forward as I have learned to value my family first and put my career in the second slot. (Something I failed to do for the first 20+ years of my career)

    Hang in there!!! Don’t give up!! It may take a while to happen, but hopefully we’re all sane and happier in the end. I suspect that I have 1-2 years to go to get through this completely (mine seemed like a complete nervous breakdown), but I believe that I am over the worst part of the process.

    If you are trying to understand a spouse in this mode, just try to understand that it is one very long panic attack. There is very little logic involved…just an overwhelming number of feelings that we’re not accustomed to feeling and therefore a complete sense of panic. However, we will think of every option possible to try to feel normal again…and sometimes the solutions we come up with just make no sense (but we’ll likely try them anyway).

    And for the record, MLC does not mean that all men go after other women, sports cars, and gold chains. Mine was more of a defeatist attitude where nothing seemed important…instead of shaving daily, I converted to weekly. Instead of nice clothes, I wear cargo shorts and t shirts. I really stopped valuing everything that I had worked for (material goods) and starting looking for the deeper meaning in life. Sorry for the long post, but what did you expect….I’m crazy.

  27. @Walty: You are not crazy at all, you are growing more sane every day thru your own mid life transformation.

    You are finding your life and centering.

    Unfortunately the path of centering is often thru crazy at times. So we make the mistake to associate that crazy to be us. It isn’t: crazy is merely recognizing change is in process still.

  28. @Suzanne: Mid Life transformation is all about rediscovering yourself now.

    What is it you dare to dream? Or
    What is it you need to rest into? Or
    What will electrify you? Or

    Or a thousand thousand other options…

  29. gch says:

    “Going off the rails of a crazy train” — Ozzy

    But who wants to be on rails?

  30. gch says:

    And which is crazy?

  31. Hi S. I deleted your comment to protect you.

    When dealing with a Abusive / Vindictive ex-partner you have to be very careful and patient. You have to release 100%. You will often need professional help to recover from the abuse and to change your own personal behaviors so you don’t encourage further abuse.

    The path ahead of you will be hard and don’t underestimate how much another person can lash out.

    I don’t work with situations that are based in abuse and I recommend directly contacting a local counselor who specializes in helping abuse victims recover.

  32. diamond says:

    I am in a two-year relationship with a married man, whom i believe, after reading articles on the subject; yours included, is undergoing MLC. He has got all the symptoms and I am one single woman who has been longing for someone stronger and more stable than I am, whom I can entrust myself with. In the earlier part of our relatioship, I fought with his girlfriends who were already existing, even without me. Now I am starting to get jealous with his wife.

    I am only 34 years old. Could it be possible that MLC has come to me earlier?

    I love the man and I couldn’t imagine living a life without him around.

    What could have been happening to this once sweet nice and responsible woman, me?

    I am only 34 years old. Is it possible that MLC has come to me earlier?

    I am only 34 years old. Is it possible for my MLC to have started earlier?

    I am now 34 years old. Looking back in my younger years, I am that good girl who was responsible enough to earn for her whole family.

  33. @Diamond: Change has come to you. The question isnt if it is MLC.

    The question is how will you turn this all around to be a better person, and to make life flow around you in a better way.

    Your challenge is to live better, not to be in crisis, but use it as incentive to live a better life.

  34. angela says:

    I am so bored. I am so stuck in a rut. I am drinking, smoking, working and not a lot else really. I hate what I am doing. I am so fed up but cannot see a way out. I am a single mom and work full time. I lack patience, motivation and money!!!
    I know I want and need to sort myself out, but I just can’ t see how to do it. I keep waiting for a surge of motivation and a love of something to hit me, but it just isn’t coming. I know, really, it needs to come from within, but how do I make that happen?

  35. Donna says:

    My husband seems to have many of the signs pointing toward MLC. He expressed a desire to not be married to me anymore which obviously devestated me as well as blind sided me. Our marriage has always been wonderful, or so I believed. He tells me he doesn’t know why and that it isn’t me. I did all the wrong things, I cried, pleaded, argued my case etc. Finally, I felt calm enough and lost enough to just accept it was what he truly wanted. Then, out of nowhere, he asked me to let him reconsider his decision. This scarred and confused me as I had just went through this emotional rollercoaster that ended with me broken and lost. He doesn’t want our teenage children around anymore and seems to either want to be alone or to just party with friends. We have very recently decided to begin the process of working things out. Part of me is so terrified as I don’t want to lose him or go through this with the same end result. I find that he will push me away and then pull me back to him. It seems that he can’t decide where I really fit in and I am at a complete loss as to where to start bridging this gap. We are actually just taking baby steps. spending time together with no pressure, talking about light hearted things instead of the heavy issues, (I don’t believe that our marriage could survive that yet)I just hope that when this is over, we are still a team.

  36. @Angela: Many people get stuck in mid life crisis. It’s often a question of resolving out the various personal factors in play undercutting the person. Such as getting back into shape, fixing or releasing bad relationships, re-balancing out how a person works. ETC. There can be many tangled strands of life that need to be addressed.

    The goal is to open up space which then allows a person to start new things.

    So if you feel unable to start and move ahead, it could mean some strand of an issue is de-powering you. If you are drinking it means you are avoiding tackling the very issues which are preventing you from moving ahead as you desire.

    The first step for someone stuck in avoidance patterns is to release the drinking. Start small actions to fix or improve what you can in the life that is yours but on many level you don’t want.

    Until a person wants their life, they can’t get started in living a life.

  37. Hektor says:

    Okay, this talk a lot about the person experiencing the MLC….Wha about the husbands and wives that suffer from the MLC. Many times we are the ones that get abandoned, have to live with affairs the irresponsibility, etc. What help exist for us? Any way we can keep our marriages from crumble? We also suffer the MLC.

  38. @Hector: The teachings I use here work equally well for partners and those in midlife crisis. I have worked with hundreds of people from both sides of the midlife crisis process. It comes down to removing judgement and slowly stepping those involved towards kind and modest solutions.

    Because those in mid life crisis and their partners often avoid tackling things at the earlier stages of crisis, this often means the problems evolve into extremely tangled webs. It takes a deep patience for people to slowly step towards the graceful answers.

    Also since judgement makes problems too personal, it often requires a neutral outside teacher to help untangle the issues without stirring up extra pain from the process.

  39. Robert Ludlum says:

    I’ve been in a 20 year relationship. I’m 40, and been laughing about having a midlife crisis for the last 15-20 years, except i realize a now have one. The reason i say its been a 15-20y mlc is because i like having things i like, and doing things i love, like skiing, sports, trips, etc. I thought this was just a normal think, and as they are, they could be, but now i have added hurting my partner of over 20yrs. I ve told her i have not been the same and felt we were becoming distant for a few years already, that our passion is gone, and things that hurt her and moved her solid marriage foundations we had for so long. She realized we also have lost communication and have not shared personal and intimate desires for a while too… we have 2 amazing kids, and although they are so great, the change in our lives didnt help towards our relationship… we are doing councelling together and reading a fair bit about all things happening in break up marriages, crisis, and so on. All I want is to get back and feel as we were the first years we met, i know we change, and are completely different persons as we were when in our 20′s but don’t see why we can’t get that thrive and desires that came with that part of our journey in life together. Im trying to get a different approach in life, i am going through many of the described mlc changes, learning music, doing sports, etc, although i always been and loved doing these things, so im still confused as how much im into this mlc and how is this affecting my relationship or if and how to fix it. I am a very positive person, thinking and exploring ways to improve myself, love my wife and kids infinite but see that we also might ‘ve transformed into completely different people and might’ve distanced from each other or lost all our connections, laughs, passion, and a lot of the things a couple needs to share, but i cant and dont want to give up. Its too much the love i have for her and my kids and there is nothing i wouldnt do for her, even leaving if i see that i hurt her so much. so much in my mind, but in general i guess you get the idea. thanks.

  40. @Robert: Be strong, be patient. Allow for change and allow for space. Since I haven’t worked with you I don’t know enough of the details and cannot give more precise answers for your path ahead unless I do work directly with you.

    What I do see is you listing out frustration and everything you have. However, you haven’t really put down to words what it is you are changing into yet. I see pain of change but not the awakening of who you are yet.

    Until you have come to terms with this personal frustration you will not find answers that will complete a family. It isn’t enough to wish or know your family is what you want. The process of mid life crisis must be acknowledged and worked against first. Then you work at a balance for the family. You don’t build a new house in the middle of a hurricane. Likewise you do not fully repair a family in the middle of a mid life crisis either.

    It takes time and timing is everything.

    Many times the real reason family and relationships break up in mid life crisis is due to poor timing in how people work with each other during the mid life crisis.

    I work very closely and personally with each student I have because the process is so timing dependent. It literally often comes down to how two people hold themselves. That’s a difficult thing when you are being torn apart and don’t know yourself yet.

  41. Bernice says:

    Hi, firstly I would like to say what a great site this and already after reading these comments I am feeling a lot better about what is happening to me. I am 32 and feeling really down and out about life. I am a single mum to a very active 3 year old. I am in a 2 year relationship to a wonderful man. I work full time. I feel in the past year that everything has gone hill for me. I hate my job I just want to quit. I find it hard to get out of bed. If it wasn’t for my child coming in a poking me in the eyeballs I wouldn’t get up. I find no joy in doing anything I used in enjoy doing. I just feel lost and empty. I feel like the lady above when she said she feels like she is standing beside her spirit and watching myself fade away. I feel scared because I feel I no longer have any hopes or dreams or goals in life. I am literally living each day as it comes and somedays I don’t even want to see the day out and it scares me. I have no idea what I am doing in life just marely a shell of my former self. I live in Australia and was wondering if you know of any support networks here? I feel I can’t talk to anyone close to me as they are all judging and I feel I might be going slightly crazy! Thanks in advance

  42. T says:

    Thank you Casey! Much hope needed and I got some both from your article and everyone who shared…it does something, somewhere inside of me when I read these post and realize I am one of many!I’m nine! LONG HARD CORE years into this thing (is more like a methamorphosis, than anything else)a freaking labor pain that seems to have no end. I don’t even recognize the woman in the mirror, it took 2 years of continuous psychoanalysis for a therapist to convince me I was very much sane, although some days I question my sanity very much! The post hopeful post was the person who wrote “I’m at the tailend of this” Oh! how I envy those words!The worst part is when the exhaustion of this “journey” meets with everyday life and I just don’t want to try anymore. Even though today I know there is a light at the end of this long tunel, sometimes the effort to keep going seems so big and so hard, I just don’t know what to say or do or think to keep me going one more day. Pair that with the fact that most help available costs money and the whole thing starts looking pretty grim. Where is the help for the people that can’t go to a retreat in Hawai? Where is the help for those who can’t afford a therapist at $20.00 bucks an hour (the kind of therapist that don’t exist. Is this mid life MESS! only an evolution process for those who can pay their way through?
    Thanks to all and for allowing me to vent in a forum where I don’t have to explain myself a whole lot!

  43. Marvin says:

    Casey, I just turned 30 this year and I am surprised that i have 29 out of the 35 symptoms you’ve mentioned. Did MLC came to me very early? I am married for almost 3 years now and I opened up with my wife regarding MLC and she just ignored me and brushed it off. We are a perfect couple I assume but considering the situation i am right now, she should be the first one to feel concerned about me. There are a lot of times i feel i don’t have life at all. I feel bored of the things i am happy about before. Sometimes i feel like committing suicide is the only sweet escape for what i am experiencing right now. Any advice.

  44. Jay says:

    Great article!

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