Midlife Crisis & Transformation

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The impact of midlife change touches every aspect of a person’s life. We offer a complete set of materials here for you to understand every part of what we experience in midlife. Also if you need personal help Julie and I work with people directly to help solve every challenge that arises with midlife awakening.

transformation

A Midlife Overview

The term Midlife Crisis brings up many images. In America, it brings up deriding images of a person buying a red sports car, daydreams of flings, broken marriages and people acting as a child again.

In reality, a Midlife Crisis represents a deeper possibility for a person to become their dreams. However, those dreams are hard to realize within an un-supportive society and without clear personal understanding of the actual experience. People often end up hurting themselves in the process of trying to change. A person’s life carries a lot of momentum from the past that tumbles them about heedlessly upon trying to change to be something new.

Midlife Crisis is an unfortunate label applied to those working through these transitional times of their life. So the first step to understanding this process is to understand what crisis is:

Crisis is a turning point when change must happen to prevent the break down of the former order of things. Crisis is not a time of trouble: unless doing nothing. Crisis is a time for transformation and opportunity.

The truth: Midlife Crisis is really a Midlife Transformation.

The reason I became a healer evolved from the fact few people truly understand and support Midlife Transformations. As a result of my own experience and helping others, I have opened up a healing practice to help guide people within their own midlife transformation process.

Some basic observations about Midlife Transformations.

  • It’s a time of change. Many people hurt themselves and those they love by resisting change. Holding onto the past will tear a person and family apart during a time of change.Often times the pain of resisting change causes people to revert back to old habits. A midlife crisis is not a sure thing. Human nature desiring comfort and the social pressure resisting change are powerful forces shaping a person’s life. The majority of people going through midlife crisis actually fail for these and other reasons.Mid life transformation can be one of the most beautiful and amazing times in a person’s life when flowing with change and the support of others. Or it can be a nightmare of confusion mixed to the actions of people actively hindering your path. When facing such a nightmare most people embrace past comforts to resist the transformation and actually re-transform back into an image of their old life.The direction of change isn’t always forward, A MidLife Crisis is often experienced stumbling backwards.
  • A time to experiment with new perspectives. Since this represents a changing of life. A person moving down this path will not have the years of experience to safely make choices with known outcomes. As a result people make many mistakes as they experiment around with new ideas and actions.
  • A time to reconnect to the freedom of a child. Midlife Transformation closely resembles the time of being a child when you had to learn everything newly. People experiencing a midlife crisis will at times act as a child again as they are literally picking up where they left off from their childhood. This often means the resurfacing of many problems and dramas which were buried as a child. As a result sometimes within a midlife transformation a person can also be trying to resolve childhood issues. This just makes the process more confusing at times.
  • A time to simplify. With so many changes happening, a person often simplifies their life to help figure out what’s important to them. During the process of simplification often times a person will toss away a bit more than they bargain for.
  • A time to break out of mis-matched relationships. People often use relationships to crutch their life. The trouble is when changing, a person will discover that the crutches no longer fit or are painful to wear. As a result relationships at times are tossed to the side during this process of change.Often times relationships break during a midlife crisis. Why? Simply because the partner isn’t at a point of change themselves, or they are changing in a different direction with different needs. Partners are often are in conflict since they may not want changes to occur. The statement often heard is: “you are not the man I married” This phrase illustrates how drastic a mid life transformation truly is in changing a person. The extra strain of one person needing change, while the other person holds back is enough to break many relationships. Even if the relationship doesn’t break, many people end up unhappy when partners don’t sufficiently support the requirements of a new balance.
  • Society is unsupportive of midlife change. It’s not in the interest of society to encourage midlife change. From a very basic view point midlife crisis disrupts people and resources from flowing smoothly. Also people going through mid life transformation have tendencies to want to change society. Society will resist such changes itself: firstly by encouraging people not to change, secondly by helping people to stay the same and finally by alienation of those who disrupt the norms of society.
  • A time of Mental, Physical and Spiritual evolution. One myth of the midlife crisis is it’s only in the mind. A midlife crisis occurs within a very real physical transition time point in the human body. It’s a very similar experience as a teenager switching from a child’s body to an adult. Surprisingly western culture doesn’t have a term for the physical changes as not everyone experiences it quite the same way or same time point. While it seems to start frequently around 37 to 42 years of age, it can happen sooner or later in life. Also many aspects of the physical changes are subtle changes in hormones, physical condition and attributes. Other aspects might be very apparent in the aches and pains of an aging body.One part of helping a person transverse a midlife crisis is to establish a new set of physical practices to help the body transition. This is a nice opportunity to take up yoga, Qi Gong, change diets, martial arts or even something as simple as a jogging practice to stimulate the transformation process.Another aspect of helping a person transform is to help reveal the missing parts of their life. We are each a combination of Mind, Body and Spirit, yet so many people concentrate on the Mind or Body or Spirit at the exclusion of the other parts. Midlife transformations are usually a time to fill and strengthen the missing parts of a person’s life.
  • True Mid Life Transformation is a process that spans years. Another misunderstanding about this process is thinking that this is a relatively quick single event of a few months. In fact even the term “Midlife Crisis” gives the impression of a sudden single event. It’s not. The transformation process is often a series of events that span several years. Think about how being a teenager was a process that took 5 or 6 years, A Midlife transformation takes a similar time period. Typically I see people working through this period of transformation for 5 to 8 years. The process occurs in a series of transformative waves two to three years in length. Just when a person thinks they are done changing, everything then starts again and another series of events rocks their life.So: A midlife crisis will appear to some as being a brief fling, as people do suppress the change or actually re-transform back into an image of their old life. A large amount of outside pressure exists to make this the case. The power of our mind is very strong and the capability to suppress or even deny change is a very strong human trait.Compared to:
    A midlife transformation as a series of life changes to become complete. To be the person you yearn to be.
  • Some don’t experience a Midlife transformation. A few souls balance and flow through life in such a way to seemingly never go through a midlife transformation.Humanity is a spectrum of experience. Not every one goes through a midlife crisis. The whole process is complicated being dependant upon many variables such as culture, support of friends and family, how a person lives life itself and so many other factors.A midlife transformation isn’t a time of judgment or comparing your own experience to others. This is a time of acceptance and learning to flow with your life, body, mind and spirit to live as completely to your own nature as possible. In the American culture where so many are taught to be someone else from childhood, to chase an American dream of wealth: midlife crisis is a relatively common event, as many spend time not being themselves.

 

MidLife Crisis

Mid Life Summary

I work with people on a case by case basis, since each person is a unique tapestry of needs, past events needing resolution, different future goals, different mixes of partners, supporting past obligations: all mixed together in the chaos of change. As a result, the process of aid is a delicate balance of patience and understanding.

The most important aspect for a person undergoing going a Midlife Transformation is to accept their nature is changing. It’s important to approach this time of life not as a crisis but as a time for transformation and opportunity. It’s not something that can be rushed or forced into a vision. Rather this is a time of following the needs of mind, body and spirit equally.

It’s also important to understand, in change, resides the loss of old comforts and support. Often time’s painful moments have to be embraced, experienced and accepted before the final transformation can occur.

Another important tool is to witness your own life. Document and explore your life with a journal, art, music, playing an instrument, dance, poetry and being open to witnessing how others see you. A problem within the midlife transformation is the action of changing places a person within a blind-spot to seeing their own nature. As a result, our shifting outer form is never quite what the mind perceives. Our minds cannot see ourselves purely. Journals, art, music, playing musical instruments, poetry, the observation of others all give critical feedback to help view one’s nature and guide the transformation rather than shift blindly to illusions of what we think we are.

If you decide to explore art please remember: the art isn’t about creating a masterpiece, it’s simply about witnessing yourself. Art is an amazing tool to explore life and find place in the world. These are two qualities of life that people seek within their midlife transformation. Some people hesitate to use art or music at this point since it often seems daunting or it brings up bad experiences from younger years of failed artistic explorations. However, many years have passed and new skills have been added to one’s life. The period of a midlife transformation is the perfect time to begin exploring life again with art and music. I must stress here that the goal is not one of a trade or career but for self exploration. Studies have shown with 5 to 10 years of focused practice anyone can get quite good at any skill. The length of time within a mid life transformation supports the drive and time required to develop our inner potential, since it provides both new energy and time for the channeling of such skills.


Finally and most importantly:

We all see the world as a reflection of ourselves.

Just because you are changing doesn’t mean the world needs to change. Focus your energy upon yourself and not the world.

The Earth has been around for 4 billion years and isn’t going anywhere quickly (Except around the sun at 67,000 mph). Trying to change the world, pretty much ensures you will have no energy left to transform and heal yourself. Trying to change another person means to take upon their nature into you, which effectively derails many mid life transformations. Instead embrace and discover your new nature. The world is truly a reflection of each of us, so changing the world simply means putting energy and time into embracing and transforming yourself completely and fully.

Let the world be a reflection of yourself in acceptance.

 

Sincerely
Casey

 

For Professional Assistance or Counseling
regarding your mid life transformation

Contact Casey at:
PersonalTao@gmail.com
(360) 870-2897

95 Comments. Leave new

Casey:
My husband is going through a transformation. Two years ago he had an aorta dissection and survived. He got his health back and continued to work as a lab manager in a hospital. Last spring he decided to change his career and in late summer he started a journey to be a financial advisor. He loves financial planning and could have a potential to earn a lot more than at the lab. He struggled with this transition and started realizing that he doesn’t like sales, which is a big part of being a financial advisor. Over the last two months he struggled with making a poor decision which sent him into a spiraling depression. He became unmotivated and could barely do his job. Last month his mother died. He is having problems with the unpleasant memories of growing up at home. When he returned from the funeral, he shut down. He could not and still struggles with motivation. He says he feels stuck, that he has failed at his job and made a huge mistake. He is on medical leave right now until mid February to try to get his mind clear and to decide what to do with his life. He is ashamed and embarrassed. I think he needs to go back to his old job so that we don’t experience further financial devastation but know that I can’t tell him that. He wants to figure out what to do with his life and isn’t sure what that is right now. How do I help him? Is going back to his old job until he figures his life out the right path? Is this mid-life crises or just a man that has made a mistake?

I’ve been married for 15 years. My husband and I are really close and we’ve never wanted or imagine ourselves wanting or having children. But recently I have been consistently yearning for my own child. At the same time, I’m often feeling depress and lost. I’m 40 yrs old and I think I’m going through midlife transition. Is it midlife crisis that makes me want to have kids?

Confused: Midlife transformation is a time to reconcile life. So yes often times a person will revisit ideas and older ideals and have to think hard about the choices ahead.

It’s a side effect of the transformation process. In change we reflect against our life and the decisions of the past and also come to terms with what we want to become for the future.

Casey Kochmer
February 8, 2014 1:08 am

Lorie: You ask if your husband has made a mistake. If you hold it as a mistake… Then it becomes crisis. If you hold it as a lesson and opportunity to grow… then it becomes a hard path of transformation.

What he should do? Live in a way he can grow and thrive. Is that easy? No it isn’t, many people fail because they crumple against the pressure of change. Many mistakes line the path to true growth.

It’s how you use the mistakes to learn from that will determine ultimately if the path can become successful or not.

Reading this is like turning around and seeing my footprints in the sand I recently walked along.

Casey Kochmer
April 5, 2014 9:02 pm

@GCH: Yes it is pretty amazing how many people travel the mid life change road. It is more amazing how society distracts and hurts people in midlife transformation to make it about crisis rather than growth.

Midlife crisis can be the doorway to the most beautiful changes when people turn into being about a time of transformation.

I am a 46 year old female married 23 years with 3 wonderful daughters. I feel guilty feeling sad and lost when I should be thankful for having everything. My husband went through his transition a few years ago and came out beautifully. He started running and lost 60 pounds and went from a beer drinking couch Potato to a buff marathon runner. I have stood by him and supported all he has done. But since this I feel lost and inadequate to him. I am busy with my girls and working the business we own together. I have time to “transform” but my problem is I don’t know what my new self looks like. I don’t know what my dreams are to even know where to head. I feel trapped and bored. Because of this I feel ugly and simply tolerated by him. I don’t want to loose him but I know I need to find myself to be a better partner and regain the attractiveness I once had. How do I move forward?

Casey Kochmer
June 11, 2014 6:53 am

@Lost at 46:

Don’t ask yourself what to do to make yourself be better for another. (This path just spirals out of control into a mid life crisis)

Ask yourself… what is it I need to do to enjoy and connect to my own life in a better manner. (This path expands out into mid life transformation)

I would just like to thank you for your generosity in providing a very gentle presence to people in midlife transitions. I have been accompanying some in the same situation and your site is a rich resource where I can refer them to. I commend your very integrative approach to understanding midlife. Thanks for the gift that you are, Casey.

Casey Kochmer
July 21, 2014 9:56 pm

Thanks Ranette.

Personal Tao is a resource to help people transform with grace. All too many people force midlife crisis to only be about breaking or the pain. Which then means they only get crisis. It really should be all about the transformation.

Mid life while complicated in terms of social interplay is actually not that complicated once a person starts to take smaller steps and stops trying to do everything “right”.

Once you get a person to slow down and work with awareness it really is amazing all the new options that will come forward. To turn it all around from being a midlife crisis and then to help a person discover a midlife transformation.

My husband and I are both 34 years old. In December, when I was 6 months pregnant with our 2nd daughter, he told me he felt broken and wasn’t in love with me anymore. He moved out for 9 weeks and was a complete monster during that time ( and was having an emotional affair with another woman). After 9 weeks he returned. He wasn’t back to himself but was home. Then we had our daughter in April. He was back to his normal self for a while. Told me he loved me and our family and there was nothing he wanted more in life than to be with us. This went on for about 2 months. Then in June he started acting moody and depressed again. He moved out at the end of June saying ” he needed to think.” I found out that there was a different woman he met and was talking to/texting. Again he said he’s not happy or in love with me. I learned from the first time and have completely detached myself. The other night he came home saying his head isn’t right and he feels like a complete nut job and he struggles everyday. He says he doesn’t want this for his kids and there is no person in this world he loves more than me I just listened and validated. That was a few nights ago and I haven’t heard from him again.
Is there hope for us and where is he at in this crisis?

Casey Kochmer
August 1, 2014 7:55 pm

@Amy: Your husbands midlife crisis is going to be a harder longer process for him. You will have to be careful not to get too entangled with his own uncertainity.

I wouldn’t focus on the word hope, as much as making sure you are as strong as possible as he takes the time to find himself. From the little you posted I would say he has deeper personal challenges to overcome first. He is looking for something that isn’t within your marriage nor children. That you cannot be the person to heal him or help him find his way at this moment.

It is possible he can come back after his midlife crisis, but he is trying to find something, to heal himself while he is in crisis. In this instance if you try to heal him, his state of being while in crisis will ripple back into you breaking yourself.

There is something deeper stirring in his midlife crisis, something he needs to tackle on his own.

Hi Casey, just found your site and would like to offer my gratitude to you for creating this website. There are some fantastic resources to help all the lost people who are looking for answers in life.

Regards
Grant

Casey Kochmer
August 5, 2014 6:42 pm

Thanks Grant! May your midlife change and transformation be strong and graceful!

I am 33 years old and have been going through this crisis for the last 4 and a half to 5 years. Originally I experienced a sense of needing to do more, like I am supposed to fill a higher purpose. This feeling started to consume me so much so that I left my job. My personal life was in turmoil and I spent my time fixing ties with my husband and mostly ignored my desire to become the “more” I felt I needed to be because I just didn’t know where to start. Slowly I reverted back to my old self, but now after 4 and half years th feeling has returned. I’m so confused, I believe that I should change but just don’t know where to start. My job feels like it is literally sucking the life from me, but how do I just quite? We won’t be able to pay our bond or support our family otherwise,but I’m dying…

Casey Kochmer
August 18, 2014 10:58 pm

@Marchelle:

The challenge of midlife crisis and balancing work can be incredibly tough for many people.

It’s a hard challenge to support oneself in transition. We have to make hard choices, but choices that leave options open and enough support to survive.

It often means working in transitional jobs to allow the midlife transformation to continue while supporting those you love.

People in midlife change often feel the calling to a higher purpose and just leave everything… which then destroys them completely from the lack of support.

I teach people how to turn around jobs to be part of the process. So you don’t run away from one job to just repeat the patterns of crisis into the next job. (All too many people just drag their issues or crisis from job to job: that isn’t an efficient path.)

So pace yourself, yes learn from the job and over time step towards your new life. In a manner that is sustainable.

Hi. I have been reading and learning so much from the resources on your website. Thank you. My husband and I are in our early 50s and have been married for 32 years. We have 2 wonderful grownup children in their late 20s. We married very young and have been through a lot of life changes together but this midlife stage has proved to be much more of a challenge. My husband is a workaholic and actually says that his work is what defines him. He is great at his job and liked by all. I am an artist, a late developer, and in the last 2 years have started to have some success in terms of selling my work. Last year my husband said he was in love with a much younger woman at work and that he felt our marriage hadn’t been working for a long time, that he had changed and I hadn’t. We tried counselling for a while but 4 months ago he decided to move out to give himself a chance to figure things out. All he has done is pursue the relationship with the other woman and they are now practically living together. He has cut himself off completely from family and friends and even finds it difficult to see me or our son and daughter. He is often tearful and apologetic though still seems to feel that this new relationship is what he needs to be happy. Since last year, I have gone from being suicidal to finding some real peace and joy, interspersed with sadness of course, but a deep change has taken place in me and my husband, children and all those who know me have commented on it. I feel like I have finally let go of my childhood and adolescence pain and have discovered a life in me which is separate from my thoughts and feelings. Is there anything I can do to help my husband through this and get him to see that the answers do not lie in people or things but inside himself?

Gut wrenching nightmare! My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 7. We have had many life changing events occur.i have three children from a previous marriage. But my current husband is their “dad”. We have been best friends, team mates and deeply in love. Long story short, we took care of my 29 year old brother as he was losing his battle with cancer. After he passed, my husband and brothers father found refuge in each other’s grief. Unfortunately , my brothers father died unexpectedly. The kids began going to collage and all of this within 3 years. I saw a change in my husband but I thought it was just him dealing. He began drinking and throwing himself at work. Arguments escalated, everything I said or did was wrong. Three weeks ago he told me( crying) he’s not sure if this is the life he wants. He said he’s never felt like this and he’s always been sure of us, until now. My response was, ” I love you and I feel like you need space for you to figure yourself out and I’m willing to support you through this process.” I didn’t realize until a few days later that this might be a mid life crisis. He says he loves me and he always will. He questions if he even loves himself right now. Sometimes he’s cold and mean but I don’t take it to heart. He’s confused and hurting. He hasn’t left. He says he willing to try. Our sex life has increased dramatically. I’m so confused and I never know what I’m going to get with him :( I feel like he’s hurting as much as I am. He doesn’t want a divorce just yet. Do marriages survive this?

Casey Kochmer
October 20, 2014 2:16 am

@help-me: You show the turmoil you are going through and you also express the desire to make it all work. But making it all work often looks different than what we expect it to be. For 50% of people in your situation making it work looks opposite of what you want.

The deeper truth is slow down and take care of yourself. Let everything catch up and don’t try to force your marriage. To force the marriage to make it, is a sure path to breaking the marriage.

Casey Kochmer
October 20, 2014 2:22 am

@Bi: You ask: Is there anything I can do to help my husband?

Yes give him space, simplify how you communicate with him to minimize the conflicts and practice non judgement as much as possible. This is the core of what you need to do. However, you will be tested in a thousand ways while trying to keep it all simple in order to reduce longer term drama.

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